Coppers Are Dressed As Hippies, NewsRevue Lyric, 31 May 1992

This one went down really well with the NewsRevue audience and ran for a long time.

I remember being a little disappointed that John Random didn’t use it towards the end of his April to June 1992 run, which was in full flow when this one was written. But I now understand more about the frantic nature of producing NewsRevue; this number would have been a real challenge to add to the pot (as it were) and do well mid-run.

Anyway, Paula Tappenden and her cast picked it up straight away in late June/July and did a fabulous job with it. The number was revived by later casts too, I’m pretty sure.

I recall Harriet Quirk being especially complementary about this one; I think she liked it.


(To the tune of “The Teddy Bear’s Picnic”)



If you go down to the Plain today,

You’re in for a big surprise;

If you go down to Stonehenge today,

You’ll see police in disguise.



For solstice time means unwanted guests,

The Fuzz are after heaps of arrests,

And that’s why lots of Coppers are dressed as Hippies.



Every piggy-wig in the force,

Is sure of a chance to bust;

The Hippies always have herbal smokes,

Speed, Acid and Angel Dust.



So all the filth that ever there was,

Is gathered there for certain because,

Today’s the day the Force infiltrate the Hippies.



Hippy time for PC Plod,

He’s in the drug squad,

He’s wearing a syrup and false beard;

Kaftan worn and sandal shod,

And using words like “hey”, “wow”, “man”, and “weird”.



Thousands of folk mill about,

Just watch them dance and shout,

And sometimes set off a flare.


At six o’clock the chief calls it off,

And they’ve not made one arrest,

Because there aren’t any Hippies there.


(Perhaps two Copper-Hippies simultaneously put their hand on the other’s shoulder and say “You’re nicked”)

Here is Henry Hall and His Orchestra with “The Teddy Bear’s Picnic” – I make no apology for the publisher’s placement of the apostrophe – but just dig the clipped tones of the singer:

Here is the lyric of “The Teddy Bears’ Picnic”…that’s better apostrophe-wise.

Castlemorton, NewsRevue Lyric (Unused), 31 May 1992

I wrote this one the same day as Coppers Are Dressed As Hippies. “Coppers” is a very good lyric, though I say so myself.

Let’s be honest, Castlemorton isn’t much cop. I must have written Castlemorton first and then thought, “oohh, I have a better idea…”

I’m not sure I even submitted it. One for the completists.

CASTLEMORTON (Be Sure to Put Gunpowder in Your Flare)

(To the tune of “San Francisco {Be Sure to Wear Some Flowers in Your Hair}”)



If your going to Castlemorton,

Be sure to put gunpowder in your flare;

Summertime in Castlemorton,

Your goanna meet some vicious bastards there.



If you’ll come to Castlemorton,

Be sure you bring some needles for to share;

Hear the beat of Castlemorton,

Amplifiers and Ghetto Blasters blare.



All across the nation,

It’s a “New Age Sensation”,

Ooh, ooh, people in motion;

They’re an old generation,

Just a strange abberation,

Ooh, ooh, what a commotion,

What an explosion.



All those who come to Castlemorton,

Be sure to wear flared trousers and long hair,

In the fields of Castlemorton,

Savage dogs attacking sheep out there.


If you come to Castlemorton,

Local people will relocate elsewhere.

Here’s a nice little photo-vid of Scott McKenzie singing San Francisco:

…and here are the lyrics for the Scott McKenzie.

Heatwave, NewsRevue Lyric (Probably Unused), 14 May 1992

Hmmm. A generic song about heatwaves.

This one certainly didn’t make the cut when first submitted to the Random run that spring and I’m not sure I tried resubmitting it all that hard.

I might have had Spitting Image in mind for this one. I know I sent them some stuff around that time, probably including this one, only to discover that they were off air spring/summer.

There are some good lines but it would be wicked hard to perform. I was still learning then…still am.


(To the tune of “Heatwave”)



Whenever the sun shines, {Ooohhh}

And Britain is warm;{Britain is warm}

Sun reporters,{Ooohhh}

And photographers swarm.



Could it be, a chance to see,{aaahhh, aaahhh}

Tit and bum on page one instead of three?{aaahhh, aaahhh}

Cos it’s a heatwave,{Cos it’s a heatwave,}

We’ve shots of Princess Di,{Cos it’s a heatwave,}

That prove she must shave,{Cos it’s a heatwave,}

Her armpits and her thighs.



There’s always one arsehole,{do wah, do wah}

Ends up breaking his spine;{yeh, heatwave, yeh}

He dives, head first,{do wah, do wah}

Into the Serpentine.{yeh, heatwave, yeh}



He doesn’t mind being half alive,{aaahhh, aaahhh}

Cos he made the news at five-forty-five.{aaahhh, aaahhh}

There’s still a brain wave,{There’s still a brain wave,}

Although it’s only faint,{There’s still a brain wave,}

There’s still a brain wave,{There’s still a brain wave,}

Oh – now there ain’t.



Take a trip to Margate,{do wah, do wah}

But you’re sure to get home late,{yeh, heatwave, yeh}

(British Rail Announcer)

“There’s no train service, ’till further notice,{do wah, do wah}

The sun has melted all the track”{yeh, heatwave, yeh}



Cos this whole country’s brought to its knees,{aaahhh, aaahhh}

As soon as the gauge shows eighty degrees,{aaahhh, aaahhh}

It’s called a heatwave.{It’s called a heatwave.}

Yeh yeh, yeh yeh, oh yeh, {Phew what a scortcher, this heat is torture}

Yeh yeh, yeh yeh, oh yeh, {Phew what a scortcher, this heat is torture}

This heatwave’s small beer, we get one every year

But its a heatwave!!!

Here is a vid of the wonderful Martha & The Vandellas singing Heatwave to a rather sedate-looking English audience:

…and here is a link to the lyrics of Martha & the Vandellas’s Heatwave.

Labour Strikes, NewsRevue Lyric (Unused), 8 May 1992

Well, I had a surge of lyric-writing productivity on the back of California Here I Go making the cut for NewsRevue in late April…

…but like most of those early efforts this one didn’t get through the discerning filter of John Random and his cast.

Slow numbers are hard to make funny and this one only has a couple of really good lines.


(To the tune of “Edelweiss”)



Labour strikes, labour strikes,

More industrial action;

German Reich’s, labour strikes,

Give we Brits satisfaction.



Germany’s woe makes the English Glow,

Cos we know,

The feeling;

Farpotchkeit, labour strikes,

Prejudice is revealing.


VERSE 2 (Gently)

Labour strikes, labour strikes,

Stay at home, have a wank, Kurt;

Britain likes, labour strikes,

When they happen in Frankfurt.


CHORUS 2 (Full chorus – increasingly triumphal)

Once they go slow they won’t boom and grow,

Then we’ll show,

Our muscles;

While they fight, labour strikes,

We shall take over Brussels.

Here is a vid of Edelweiss from the film The Sound Of Music:

…and here is a link to the Edelweiss lyric.


You Can’t Hurry Trusts, NewsRevue Lyric, 7 May 1992

Buoyed by my early success with California Here I Go, I wrote quite a lot of songs during John Random’s Spring 1992 run.

Eventually I’ll upload the others; those performed and those not. Actually I’m not sure which John used and which he didn’t; I think he was (rightly) quite selective with those earlier efforts. But I do recall that John used this one about NHS Trusts; indeed it was revived, updated and used quite a lot for at least a couple of years – one of my better and more successful ones.

Virginia/Gini refers to Virginia Bottomley, the much-maligned Secretary of State for Health at that time.

I especially remember Chris Stanton starring in this number, as the lead singer/unfortunate old codger who was suffering while the NHS tried to transform into trusts. John Random will doubtless remember more about it, including the names of the other cast members from that run. I’m guessing Ian Angus Wilkie

My WP file is dated 4 May 1992 and I am pretty sure that my version was first performed that Thursday, 7 May 1992.


(To the tune of “You Can’t Hurry Love”)



I need drugs, drugs, to ease my pains, I need some treatment, NHS explains;



{Virginia says}You can’t hurry trusts {No} you’ll just have to wait;

{She says}List’ll get shorter, numbers doctored by the state.

You can’t hurry trusts {No} you’ll just have to wait;

{You gotta}Pop pills for a while, that way you will be sedate.



But how many more months must I pine,

Before they find a bed in which to mend my spine?

Right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on,

Is the pethidine and this mogadon.



{But Virginia always says}

You can’t hurry trusts {No} you’ll just have to wait;

{She says} While we raise finance, operations will be late.

How long must I wait, how much more can I take?

Before all ‘dis traction, will cause my poor back to break.  {You must wait}



NHS trusts, don’t come easy,

So they keep debating, pontificating,

While Gini argues, what trusts ought to provide,

The NHS shoots off down the slide.

But I keep hoping, {Oooooh} that one fine day,

( {The hospital’ tell me}, I can stay.})



{But Gini says}You can’t hurry trusts {No} you’ll just have to wait;

{Why?}We must hire accountants, and a huge inspectorate.

You can’t hurry trusts {No} you’ll just have to wait;

{We promise}You’ll have a bed soon, autumn nineteen ninety eight.

{So just wait!!!!!!!!!!!}

Click here or below for a link to a YouTube of the original Supremes hit recording of You Can’t Hurry Love, with the lyrics thrown in.


Lootin’ USA, NewsRevue Lyric (Unused), 2 May 1992

John Random must have thought I was obsessed with Californian news, because I submitted this less than two weeks after California Here I Go. Perhaps I thought it might replace the morbid execution piece, which by its nature became old news rather quickly.

Unsurprisingly, this “looting” one wasn’t used. But it was submitted in the same pack as You Can’t Hurry Trusts, so you can’t fault John and the cast for their discerning choice of a winner when they saw one.


(To the tune of “Surfin’ USA”)



If everybody was in turmoil,

And causing an affray;

Then everybody’d be lootin’,

Like Californ-I-A;

You’d see ’em wearing their shell suits,

With beard and sandals too;

They’d all be breaking their curfews,

Lootin’ USA.



Insurrection USA  They’re starting fires in Long Beach,

Depredation USA  And in Fort Lauderdale;

Conflagration USA  There’s violence in Pasadena,

Turbulation USA  And in San Quentin jail;

Consternation USA  All over Manhattan,

Deflagration  And down in Santa Fe;


Everbody’s gone lootin’;

Lootin USA.



We’ll all be planning out a riot,

And then we’ll light my fire;

Then go and nick some hi-fis,

To build a funeral pyre;

Insurgence and arson,

We’re gonna plunder LA;

Tell the fuzz we’re all lootin’

Lootin’ USA


SHORT INSTRUMENTAL (Preferably including some dancing that vaguely resembles people beating each other up)


Everbody’s gone lootin’;

Lootin USA.

Everbody’s gone lootin’;

Lootin USA.

Here is a really weird vid of The Beach Boys making minimal effort to mime Surfin’ USA while wearing bizarre beach outfits:

…and here are the lyrics to Surfin’ USA.