Lumps, Attempted NewsRevue Lyric (Mercifully Unused), 18 July 1992

I remember so clearly having a drink with this super cast; Jonathan Linsley, Dot Atkinson, Vanessa Peers and a spindly chap (was he named Paul?…no, Peter Anthony Graham) who did Mick Jagger very well. Paula Tappenden was directing.

I asked them if they had any special requests.

Peter (aka “spindly chap”) wanted to sing a doo-wap song.

The girls wondered whether I could make a really taboo subject such as cancer amusing.

That weekend I attempted both. Only one worked.

Lumps, the cancer song, didn’t work. Nor (mercifully) did the team use it, despite having requested it.

I tried.

I’D A LUMP IN MY GUT

(To the Tune of “You’re the One That I Want”)

 

VERSE 1 – HIS HOLINESS

I’ve got cells, they’re multiplying,

May be losing my bowel;

Cos the pain the lumps applying,

Its intensifying {Its intensifying, its intensifying, its intensifying}.

 

VERSE 1 – OLIVIA

You’d better shape up, cos we need a Pope, with a healthy intestine;

You’d better shape up, if you’re gonna cope, the growth better be benign;

 

CHORUS 1 – BACK TO HIS HOLINESS

Yes it is, the prognosis is divine.

I’d a lump in my gut, {how big’s the lump you’ve got?}, Oooh, ooh, ooh, sister;

Like a small coconut, {where did it hurt a lot?}, Oooh, ooh, ooh, brother;

Like a pain in the butt; {he has a lot of pluck}, Oooh, ooh, ooh,

That neoplasm, had me in spasm.

 

VERSE 2 – OLIVIA (COMING ON A BIT STRONG WITH HIS HOLINESS)

Keep abreast of the tabloids,

They’d go bust for a rumour;

‘Bout the state of my mam’roids,

Pap tumour.

 

VERSE 2 – HIS HOLINESS (SLIGHTLY OUT OF CHARACTER I FEEL)

You’d better shape up, Miss Olivia, cos you’re well known for your bust,

I’d better shut up, cos my own career, will be over if I lust,

{OLIVIA:Are you sure?}Yes, abstention is a must.

 

CHORUS 2 – OLIVIA

Now the one on the left, {look at the udder one}, is a lot bigger,

Than the one on the right, {titter at nipple puns}, which is much smaller,

Than the one on the left, {I read it in the Sun}, Ooh, ooh ,ooh;

It’s not neurosis, it’s carcinosis.

 

Now my tit has gone bust, {cancer’s a lot of fun}, ooh, ooh, ooh,

STOP (The music and dancing stops) – I can’t go on singing this pap:

It brings a lump to my throat.

 

(Looks of horror on the other faces and then quickly BLACKOUT)

Here is the video of You’re The One That I Want from Grease:

...and here are the lyrics.