Mick’s Unpleasant Things, NewsRevue Lyric, 1 August 1992

25 years ago to this very day (I am writing on 1 August 2017), I wrote this rather nasty little lyric, which was very successfully used in NewsRevue for many weeks.

I’m hoping someone out there can name the two performers who made this their own for the first few weeks; I can picture them but not name them. I think Jonathan Linsley and Dot Atkinson were also in that cast, but I’m pretty sure the other two played Mick and Jerry…

Postscript: I found a running order and cast list in my own pile of antiquities – Peter Anthony Graham was “Mick” and Vanessa Peers was “Jerry”.

25 years later Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall are both still surprisingly newsworthy.

MICK’S UNPLEASANT THINGS

(To the Tune of “My Favourite Things”)

 

JUDGE:Dearly beloved.  We are gathered here today to conduct the divorce proceedings of Mr Michael Jagger and Ms Jeremiah Hall.  Ms Hall.  Will you please explain to this court why you wish to divorce this man.

 

VERSE 1 – JERRY’S TESTIMONY

 

Prancing about like a twelve year old wanker,

Marianne Faithful and loyal to Bianca;

Hundreds of other girls now wear his rings,

These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.

 

VERSE 2 – MORE OF JERRY’S TESTIMONY

 

Ogling at photographs of Dolly Parton,

Trips with Bill Wyman to the Kindergarten;

Look how he dances and hear how he sings,

These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.

 

CLIMATIC BIT 1 – JERRY’S CLIMAX

 

When a Mars bar, extra large size, is placed by my bed;

I think of Mick’s bulging and expectant eyes, and go for a walk instead.

 

JUDGE:Is she not radiant?  Is she not fragrant?  Would you care for a Twix, Ms Hall?  Now, Mr Slimy Toad, what do you have to say for yourself?

 

VERSE 3 – MICK’S TESTIMONY

 

Slow Texan drawl that drives me to distraction,

With girls like her I can’t get satisfaction;

Fights over Carla and my other flings,

These are a few of her unpleasant things.

 

VERSE 4 – MICK’S TESTIMONY

 

Honky Tonk Woman you’ve gone way past your prime,

Get off my cloud, paint it black for the last time,

I want some action, I don’t want the strings,

Least of all I want her unpleasant things.

 

CLIMATIC BIT 2 – MICK’S CLIMAX

 

When my lips purse, and I’m strutting, then its time for bed;

I think about Jerry’s aversion to rutting, and screw someone else instead.

 

JUDGE:Divorce granted.  Next case please.

Just in case you don’t know the song My Favourite Things from The Sound of Music…or even if you do know it but want to hear and see it again, here it is:

On 1 August 1993, I wrote a 50th birthday remix of this lyric:

MICK’S UNPLEASANT THINGS – 50th BIRTHDAY REMIX

(To the Tune of “My Favourite Things”)
 
ANNOUNCER:And now, in honour of Mick Jagger’s fiftieth birthday, we go over now to Mick & Jerry’s palatial residence in Richmond upon Thames.
 
VERSE 1 – JERRY HALL
 
Prancing about like a twelve year old wanker,
Marianne Faithful and loyal to Bianca;
‘Tho Mick is fifty he still has wild flings,
These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.
 
VERSE 2 – MICK JAGGER
 
Slow Texan drawl that drives me to distraction,
With girls like her I can’t get satisfaction;
I’m fifty so Jerry now clips my wings,
These are a few of her unpleasant things.
 
CLIMATIC BIT 1 – JERRY’S CLIMAX
 
When a Mars bar, extra large size, is placed by my bed;
I think of Mick’s bulging and expectant eyes, and go for a walk instead.
 
VERSE 3 – JERRY HALL
 
Ogling at photographs of Dolly Parton,
Trips with Bill Wyman to the Kindergarten;
Look how he dances and hear how he sings,
These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.
 
VERSE 4 – MICK JAGGER
 
Honky Tonk Woman you’ve gone way past your prime,
Get off my cloud, paint it black for the last time,
I want some action, I don’t want the strings,
Least of all I want her unpleasant things.
 
CLIMATIC BIT 2 – MICK’S CLIMAX
 
When my lips purse, and I’m strutting, then its time for bed;
I think about Jerry’s aversion to rutting, and screw someone else instead.