Month: August 1992

I Feel Petty, NewsRevue Lyric, 9 August 1992

The day after I met Janie for the first time, I wrote this little critter. Coincidentally about someone named Jani.

Jani Allan was a journalist who had allegedly been consorting with the white supremacist Eugene Terre’Blanche (he immortalised in an earlier lyric of mine, which was currently in the show). I thought this additional little piece might complement his song.

It’s a bit all over the place (much like its non-evil twin song), but I think it was used a couple of times over the summer, if for no other reason to reprise (reuse) the springbok masks from the Terre’Blanche song. If you want to know more about Jani Allan, some of the newspaper headline links – here – are at least as funny if not funnier than my lyric.

I FEEL PETTY

(To the Tune of “I Feel Pretty”)

 

VERSE 1 – JANI ALLAN

 

I am Jani, yes I’m Jani, I am canny, my man ‘e is white,

And my fanny, is with Eugene Terre’Blanche tonight;

I feel Nazis, private parties, though my heart is not party to crimes,

Even tarts see that the Nazis are bunch of slimes.

 

See the article in the Mirror there,

Why does everyone libel me?

I shall sue the Sun, and sue Channel 4, and the Guardian and I shall sue me.

 

I am petty, oh so petty, but I bet ‘e can get me a pile,

Cos I’m now the most soughter reporter for miles.

 

MIDDLE BIT – CHORUS

 

Have you seen my friend Michael Jackson,

The crazyist guy on the screen,

The strange parts that his surgeon tacks on,

Have made him look so weird and some say obscene.

 

He thinks he looks good, he thinks he’s a brain,

He doesn’t look good, he’s really insane.

 

Write a word or two about Michael, and he’s bound to sue you for libel;

 

VERSE 2 – MICHAEL JACKSON (LOOKING IN A MIRROR)

 

Woooo,

I look pretty, woooo so pretty, though this city is shitty I’m white;

It’s a pity that the papers libel me through spite.

 

See that pretty boy in that mirror there {CHORUS WITH PAPERS: this mirror here};

Doesn’t he look slightly like me {CHORUS: who what where who}

Such a pretty nose such a pretty face such a pretty hair pity its not me.

 

Woooo,

I am petty, oh so petty, like Paul Getty I’ve earned mega bucks,

I don’t care if I look like the back of a truck.

If you want to hear Natalie Wood sing I Feel Pretty and see the lyrics to that song, see below:

 

Kim and Micky’s Party, 8 August 1992

All the diary entry says is “Kim & Michel 1:30”. A daytime, summer party. But that summer party was no ordinary passing event for me…nor for Janie.

On that day, at that party, Janie and I first met.

Writing this piece 25 years (to the day) after the event, my recollection of the day is a bit patchy.

I hadn’t seen Kim and Micky for some time; since my back injury, two year’s before, I had been a bit less sociable and had not been so good at keeping in touch with people. I remember being pleasantly surprised when Kim called, out of the blue, to invite me to that party.

There were quite a lot of people at the party – a few dozen I would guess. I chatted at some length with a pair of lively, friendly “girls”; Anthea – a photographer friend who had been at school with Kim, as had the other young woman, Jane, who was Kim’s chiropodist friend.

I vaguely recalled Kim having spoken with me in the past about these good friends; in particular Jane. I also recalled Rene Knight (who worked for Kim’s family for many years) telling me a funny story about Jane.

When Kim first started dating Micky, Rene mentioned to Jane that Micky was from Belgium and also that Kim’s new hot-shot boyfriend drove a Mercedes. Jane had asked whether the Mercedes was petrol or diesel. Rene wondered why Jane wanted to know. Jane told Rene that a Belgian diesel Mercedes must be a cab and that, if the Mercedes was diesel, Micky was clearly not the hot-shot he held himself out to be. Rene passed on this pearl of wisdom to Kim, who confirmed that the car was indeed propelled through the use of diesel fuel. By all accounts, Kim challenged Micky with this “fact” about his occupation the next time she saw him, but, despite Janie’s error of judgment on that matter, Kim & Micky progressed with their relationship and the two of them persevered with Janie’s friendship.

In some ways it is odd that Janie’s and my path hadn’t crossed before, through Kim & Micky, but in the late 1980s, when I would see Kim & Micky socially a few times a year, it tended to be dinner or lunch parties and I guess they saw Janie and me as part of different circles. In any case, we were both otherwise attached most of the time during those years.

Anyway, Janie and I ended up as part of a smaller group that was still around into the early evening, at which point Kim suggested that we all go across the square and play tennis.

I had just started playing tennis again post injury, although quite tentatively still. Goodness only knows how useless I was after quite a few drinks at the party. But most of us had been drinking quite heavily, so I don’t suppose the quality of the tennis was very high.

I’m struggling to remember who was still around for that impromptu tennis. Janie, Kim and Micky of course; I think also Gary & Clifford. Perhaps Anthea also, but I have a feeling that she ducked out before the tennis. Others might remember.

I do recall thinking that Janie was pretty good at tennis. It probably helped that she was the only sober person among us. It also helped that she had grown up in a house with a tennis court and sisters to play with, but I didn’t know that fact at the time.

Janie had mentioned several times that she had driven to the party in her car and therefore wasn’t drinking.  After the tennis, I asked her if she could drop me at a tube station. She said that she would, but that she wasn’t prepared to go out of her way and that the only tube station she’d be passing was Hanger Lane. That was ideal for me, as Hanger Lane and Notting Hill Gate are on the same line.

Janie and I chatted some more on the fifteen minute car journey.

She said that she liked poetry.

When she stopped the car to drop me off, I asked Janie for her telephone number.

Janie said no.

In order to get out of the car with my dignity intact, I took from my wallet one of those sticky labels with my name, address and telephone number on it. I stuck the label on her steering wheel, saying, “in that case, you can have my address and telephone number”.

Janie thanked me and said that she would write me a poem.

I’m still waiting for the poem.

The Complete Works of Shakespeare (Abridged) by Jess Borgeson, Adam Long, Daniel Singer, Reed Martin, Reduced Shakespeare Company, Arts Theatre, 5 August 1992

I went to see this show with Andrea, Maz and Daniel – normally the “three musketeers” of our bridge four.

Not sure whose idea it was to see this show…but I’ll guess that Maz was the ringleader for the trip.

I don’t remember much about it, but the diary says we met at 6:30 so I guess we had a drink before the show and a quick meal afterwards. I’m guessing The Mayflower Chinese, as I have a hint of a memory of dining with those three at that place, but I could be wrong.

Andrea or Maz might remember. Even Daniel might. I’d love to learn of any lingering memories from that evening.

My log simply says “fun”, which I recall it was. A rather silly show, of course, but that’s the idea of it.

Three days later, I met Janie. But that’s another story completely (unabridged).

The Reduced Shakespeare Company has its own website still, would you believe – here is the link.

There is also a Wikipedia entry for this great work – click here.

There is even a YouTube recording of the show – see below:

I can’t find formal reviews of this production but here is an interesting interview with the Reduced Shakeseare lot:

Veronica Lee With The RSCVeronica Lee With The RSC Mon, Mar 6, 2000 – 53 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

The Rise and Fall of Little Voice by Jim Cartwright, Cottesloe Theatre, 1 August 1992

This was the Saturday before my life-changing first encounter with Janie at Kim & Micky’s party.

I went to see this play with Bobbie Scully. I remember it very well; both of us were very taken with it. It did prove to be a big hit, transferring and being produced again many times.

Here is a link to the Theatricalia entry for this production.

This original production really was a cracker. I think it pretty much made Jane Horrocks’s name; I don’t think she was all that well known before – perhaps she was known on the TV. Pete Postlethwaite and Alison Steadman were terrific.

I’m not sure what we did for food, but we tended to go to The Archduke or possibly RSJs after the show in those days.

No on-line reviews from those days, so you’ll just have to take my word for it – it was a cracking show. I rated the evening very good in my log, that’s for sure. Several reviews on-line for subsequent versions refer to the 1992 production – click here for the search term that brings those up.

Better yet, below is Michael Billigton’s Guardian review:

Billington on Little VoiceBillington on Little Voice Fri, Jun 19, 1992 – 36 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

Below is Michael Coveney’s Observer preview, mostly about Alison Steadman:

Michael Coveney Preview's Little VoiceMichael Coveney Preview’s Little Voice Sun, Jun 14, 1992 – 63 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

Then the following week Coveney reviewed Little Voice:

Coveney reviews Little VoiceCoveney reviews Little Voice Sun, Jun 21, 1992 – 56 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

Mick’s Unpleasant Things, NewsRevue Lyric, 1 August 1992

25 years ago to this very day (I am writing on 1 August 2017), I wrote this rather nasty little lyric, which was very successfully used in NewsRevue for many weeks.

I’m hoping someone out there can name the two performers who made this their own for the first few weeks; I can picture them but not name them. I think Jonathan Linsley and Dot Atkinson were also in that cast, but I’m pretty sure the other two played Mick and Jerry…

Postscript: I found a running order and cast list in my own pile of antiquities – Peter Anthony Graham was “Mick” and Vanessa Peers was “Jerry”.

25 years later Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall are both still surprisingly newsworthy.

MICK’S UNPLEASANT THINGS

(To the Tune of “My Favourite Things”)

 

JUDGE:Dearly beloved.  We are gathered here today to conduct the divorce proceedings of Mr Michael Jagger and Ms Jeremiah Hall.  Ms Hall.  Will you please explain to this court why you wish to divorce this man.

 

VERSE 1 – JERRY’S TESTIMONY

 

Prancing about like a twelve year old wanker,

Marianne Faithful and loyal to Bianca;

Hundreds of other girls now wear his rings,

These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.

 

VERSE 2 – MORE OF JERRY’S TESTIMONY

 

Ogling at photographs of Dolly Parton,

Trips with Bill Wyman to the Kindergarten;

Look how he dances and hear how he sings,

These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.

 

CLIMATIC BIT 1 – JERRY’S CLIMAX

 

When a Mars bar, extra large size, is placed by my bed;

I think of Mick’s bulging and expectant eyes, and go for a walk instead.

 

JUDGE:Is she not radiant?  Is she not fragrant?  Would you care for a Twix, Ms Hall?  Now, Mr Slimy Toad, what do you have to say for yourself?

 

VERSE 3 – MICK’S TESTIMONY

 

Slow Texan drawl that drives me to distraction,

With girls like her I can’t get satisfaction;

Fights over Carla and my other flings,

These are a few of her unpleasant things.

 

VERSE 4 – MICK’S TESTIMONY

 

Honky Tonk Woman you’ve gone way past your prime,

Get off my cloud, paint it black for the last time,

I want some action, I don’t want the strings,

Least of all I want her unpleasant things.

 

CLIMATIC BIT 2 – MICK’S CLIMAX

 

When my lips purse, and I’m strutting, then its time for bed;

I think about Jerry’s aversion to rutting, and screw someone else instead.

 

JUDGE:Divorce granted.  Next case please.

Just in case you don’t know the song My Favourite Things from The Sound of Music…or even if you do know it but want to hear and see it again, here it is:

 

On 1 August 1993, I wrote a 50th birthday remix of this lyric:

MICK’S UNPLEASANT THINGS – 50th BIRTHDAY REMIX

(To the Tune of “My Favourite Things”)
 
ANNOUNCER:And now, in honour of Mick Jagger’s fiftieth birthday, we go over now to Mick & Jerry’s palatial residence in Richmond upon Thames.
 
VERSE 1 – JERRY HALL
 
Prancing about like a twelve year old wanker,
Marianne Faithful and loyal to Bianca;
‘Tho Mick is fifty he still has wild flings,
These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.
 
VERSE 2 – MICK JAGGER
 
Slow Texan drawl that drives me to distraction,
With girls like her I can’t get satisfaction;
I’m fifty so Jerry now clips my wings,
These are a few of her unpleasant things.
 
CLIMATIC BIT 1 – JERRY’S CLIMAX
 
When a Mars bar, extra large size, is placed by my bed;
I think of Mick’s bulging and expectant eyes, and go for a walk instead.
 
VERSE 3 – JERRY HALL
 
Ogling at photographs of Dolly Parton,
Trips with Bill Wyman to the Kindergarten;
Look how he dances and hear how he sings,
These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.
 
VERSE 4 – MICK JAGGER
 
Honky Tonk Woman you’ve gone way past your prime,
Get off my cloud, paint it black for the last time,
I want some action, I don’t want the strings,
Least of all I want her unpleasant things.
 
CLIMATIC BIT 2 – MICK’S CLIMAX
 
When my lips purse, and I’m strutting, then its time for bed;
I think about Jerry’s aversion to rutting, and screw someone else instead.

Note To Paula Tappenden, NewsRevue, 1 August 1992

This note speaks for itself.

So the other female in that cast (other than Dot Atkinson) was named Vanessa. Can anyone remember or find out what her surname is/was?

(Postscript: Vanessa Peers.)

I remember absolutely nothing about the stupor-filled weekend in South London referred to in the note…

…so it must have worked.

The diary helps; I went to see Little Voice with Bobbie on the Saturday evening and played bridge (presumably at Daniel’s place) at 5:30 on the Sunday. I’ll write up the Little Voice presently but the bridge I don’t recall but it sounds as though it would have been well wacky.

 

Dear Paula,

 

 

Here is one new song and some changes to bring some others more up to date.

 

MICK (see enclosed)

 

Vanessa wanted a leading role in a number from a big musical – so here it is.  I’m actually very pleased with “Mick’s Unpleasant Things” and hope you like it too.  I think you could do a lot with it.

 

STERIODS (see enclosed)

 

The twists in the Olympic drugs story have helped me to tighten up the Steriods (sic) number.  I think it is better than it was, but I won’t be disappointed if you drop it for something better.

 

TERRE’BLANCHE (see enclosed)

 

The Terre’Blanche libel case gets more bizarre and more coverage in the papers each day.  I have tweaked the intro to bring it up to date with the case and added an extra “middle bit” couplet that pre-empts the ANC general strike (due to start Monday) and the Boipatong enquiry (due to start on Thursday).  You have done a really marvellous job with this number – I was very impressed.  It is just a shame that the writers could hardly see at the back last week!

 

LABOUR (not enclosed)

 

I agree with you’re swopping Dave Blunkett for Paul Boeteng in “Come Back Labour”, but I think the intros should now read:

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce:

Neil Kinnock on keyboards,

Margaret Beckett on do-dos,

Harriet Harman on wop-bops,

Dave Blunkett on eye-drops,

And me, John Smith, on (pointedly) lead vocals.”

 

One small hint on performing “Labour”: – the Wilson couplet can be made to scan by leaping in a fraction early on the second line – the emphasis is as indicated    thus:

 

“Come back Wilson, whatcha leave for?

We last won elections in ‘74,”

 

(I keep meaning to mention this when I see you – I know its a bit petty.)

 

ME (not enclosed)

 

I’m off now to spend the weekend in a stupor with various friends in South London.  I may well get some good ideas there – but am unlikely to remember many of them and am even less likely to write anything down.  If anything else does come to me I’ll bring it in Monday night.

 

You are all doing a grand job and I hope to see you next week.