Inside A Femidom, NewsRevue Lyric, 23 December 1992

This is not the most profound song I ever wrote. The electronic file is dated just before Christmas 1992. The song premiered in the first run of 1993, about one month later.

The femidom was, in the UK in 1992, a much-vaunted innovation in contraception. An article from 2005 – click here for link – suggests that its success was short-lived.

Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Female_condom.jpg

Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Female_condom.jpg

Anyway, this one proved very popular in early 1993 (the song I mean, not the contraceptive device), despite the rather crude, sophomoric style of the lyrics. Mark Bowden’s team used it as their opening number, despite my protests that it should perhaps be used later in the show – see letter – click here for link.

The original tune is Under The Moon of Love, originally by Curtis Lee but made famous in the UK by Showaddywaddy – see YouTube of them singing it by clicking here or below.

And a link to the original lyrics – click here.

As part of my research for the lyrics that follow, Janie and I did procure and attempt to use such a contraption on one occasion. How we laughed. The things we put ourselves through for my NewsRevue art.

♬ INSIDE A FEMIDOM ♬

(To the Tune of “Under the Moon of Love”)

 

VERSE 1

Lets go for a little shag, and use a Femidom,

Just me and you and a plastic bag, lets use a Femidom;

I wanna lover {wanna lover} with a cover {with a cover},

Like a great big Wellington,

Little darling, let’s poke and stoke, inside a Femidom {a Femidom}

 

VERSE 2

Loving you is so fantastic, inside a Femidom,

With your coat of thermoplastic, known as the Femidom;

This vaginal {this vaginal} polyvinyl {polyvinyl},

Is an artificial con,

Little darling let’s bonk and tonk, inside a Femidom {a Femidom}

 

MIDDLE BIT 1

We only bought the one, because the price is so steep,

By the time you got it on, I’d long since gone off to sleep;

{I think I would rather use my hand}

 

VERSE 3

Bring the groceries from the shops, inside a Femidom,

A pork salami and sirloin chops, inside a Femidom;

It’s the fashion {it’s the fashion} to kill passion {to kill passion},

With a jumbo freezer bag,

Little darling, let’s hump and rump, inside a Femidom {a Femidom}

 

MIDDLE BIT 2

At enormous cost, a polyurethane thrill,

I hope that we’ve not lost, our coil and our cap and the pill;

{Why not use a method I can stand?}

 

VERSE 4

We’ll avoid a misconception, without a Femidom,

Let’s use other contraception, but not the Femidom,

Then we’ll feel {then we’ll feel} something real {something real},

And we won’t feel put upon,

Little darling let’s play and lay, without a Femidom {no Femidom}.

copyright © Ian Harris 1992

My Genitalia, NewsRevue Lyric, 12 December 1992

This lyric is shown on my January 1993 “Bowden submission sheet” – click here for link to that artefact.

It hadn’t been used in late 1992 (unsurprising, as the Christmas run tended to keep any December material out until January) so I resubmitted it in early 1993.

I don’t think the song was used, nor on re-reading it do I think it should have been. I cannot recall precisely why it seemed topical to write this song and/or to rhyme “Austin Metro” with “hetero” in Verse Three, but I think someone somewhere was caught doing something sexual with the exhaust of his car.

Click here or below for a link to My Generation by The Who, including their original lyrics for the tune.

♬ MY GENITALIA ♬

 (To the Tune of “My Generation”)

VERSE 1 – INTRODUCTION OF THE UNFORTUNATE CHARACTER

People try to put them down,

{talking ’bout my genitalia}

Just because they’re small and round;

{talking ’bout my genitalia}

The things I say are always crude,

{talking ’bout my genitalia}

Cos I can never get myself screwed.

{talking ’bout my genitalia}(My genitalia, my genitalia)

 

VERSE 2 – HE’S ON HIS OWN

Why don’t I just f-f-f-feel myself,

{talking ’bout my masturbation}

My DIY kit on the shelf;

{talking ’bout ejaculation}

The doctors call it sexual failure,

{talking ’bout my gamomania}

Just talking ’bout my genitalia.

{talking ’bout my genitalia}(My genitalia, my genitalia)

 

VERSE 3 – EXTRA VERSE WHILE THIS STORY IS STILL TOPICAL

People think that I’m not hetero,

{talking ’bout my genitalia}

Because I love my Austin Metro;

{talking ’bout my monomania}

I lust for its boot and regalia,

{talking ’bout my gamomania}

And that exhausts my genitalia.

{talking ’bout my genitalia}(My genitalia, my genitalia)

 

VERSE 4 – HE’S OFF

Women try to put me down,

{talking ’bout emasculation}

Cos I’m the biggest prick in town;

{talking ’bout exaggeration}

I’ll take a trip out to Australia,

{talking ’bout a grand vacation}

Where all men talk about genitalia.

{talking ’bout my genitalia}(My genitalia, my genitalia)

 

copyright © Ian Harris 1992

 

Janie and Ian’s First Holiday Together, Venice, 3 to 8 December 1992

Janie and I met in August 1992.  Our first overseas travel together was a short trip to Venice, in early December that year.

02 Another grand canal view V_1992_3_Photo03_4
A Grand Canal View

I didn’t keep a written log on that trip, but we did take some photographs and make up a small album, which is captioned and which you can see by clicking here or on the photo above.

Janie wore the travelling trousers in those days. She bought a little guide book and scribbled some notes in it.

So from the photos and the guide book we have today (3 December 2017, 25 years later) tried to reconstruct our memories of this little trip.

We didn’t have enormous success with Janie’s hand-written list of eateries above:

  • Caffè Florian – we indulged ourselves with a coffee but not much more;
  • Trattoria Alla Madonna – we recall failing to get a booking there. Other trattorias are and were available – we did eat well in Venice, but not there;
  • Harry’s Bar – we had coffee, cake and a Bellini, because apparently that’s what you must do there;
  • Gritti Palace – mercifully the top restaurant was closed. I say mercifully, because even the coffee we had in the Gritti Palace bar was, as I described it in my photo caption, probably the most expensive cuppa in the world. We had also hoped to visit the Peggy Gugenheim in that part of town, but that was closed for a refurb at the time.

More successfully, we stayed in the Bauer Grunwald, now renamed the Bauer Palazzo; we absolutely loved it there.

I considered adding my two-penneth to the TripAdvisor reviews, but thought that a 25 year old review might not have sufficient merit. The Bauer still gets great reviews. We were pushing our financial boat out staying in a place like that back then – we both remember it being our first taste of staying in a big room with an enormous emperor-sized bed.

But, extraordinary as it might seem, we also went out of the room on several occasions and did a rather a lot around Venice, enjoying a mixture of sun and rain during our outings, as evidenced in the photos.

If the labelled, album stack of 26 photos (above) is insufficient for you, the entire library of our Venice photos, “uncut”, is also available – click below:

Photo02_2

The photographic evidence and Janie’s markings in the book suggest we did a lot of the usual Venice things:

  • The Doges’ Palace;
  • St Mark’s Basilica;
  • The Frari;
  • Rialto Bridge;
  • The Ghetto (I recall seeing it and on one evening eating around there too);
  • Clock Tower;
  • Accademia? – not sure we got that far through the list;
  • Museum of 18th Century Venice? – not sure we got that far through the list either;
  • Murano – yes – we have photographic evidence of that one, and we still have a glass bowl in the bathroom from there, holding the cotton wool, apparently;
  • Scuola Grande Di San Rocco – again with evidence:

Also, of course, we wandered around a lot, looking at markets and trying to imagine Death In Venice (in my case) or Don’t Look Now (in Janie’s).

We had a great time. We decided we wanted to explore more places together afterwards, which is a happy ending…

…far more than can be said about the movies that were stuck in our heads.

Harry’s Bar – Don’t Look Now – Death By Chocolate in Venice

Boutros Boutros, NewsRevue Quickie, 1 December 1992

I don’t think this was used.

Pearls before swine, some of my material back then.

BOUTROS BOUTROS – 3rd PERSON

(To the Tune of “Stupid Cupid”)

Boutros Boutros you’re a real mean guy,{Boutros Boutros}

Your troops in Mogadishu wish you’d die;{Boutros Boutros}

You try to harmonise relations,{Boutros Boutros}

By sending in the troops of the United Nations;{Boutros Boutros}

To free,

Somalis,

Boutros Boutros,

Boutros Ghali.

 

BOUTROS BOUTROS – 1st PERSON

(To the Tune of “Stupid Cupid”)

 

Boutros Boutros I’m a real mean guy,{Boutros Boutros}

My troops in Mogadishu wish I’d die;{Boutros Boutros}

I try to harmonise relations,{Boutros Boutros}

By sending in the troops of the United Nations;{Boutros Boutros}

To free,

Somalis,

Boutros Boutros,

Boutros Ghali.

Here is Connie Francis singing Stupid Cupid:

…and here is a link to the lyrics of Stupid Cupid.