Inside A Femidom, NewsRevue Lyric, 23 December 1992

This is not the most profound song I ever wrote. The electronic file is dated just before Christmas 1992. The song premiered in the first run of 1993, about one month later.

The femidom was, in the UK in 1992, a much-vaunted innovation in contraception. An article from 2005 – click here for link – suggests that its success was short-lived.

Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Female_condom.jpg

Source: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Female_condom.jpg

Anyway, this one proved very popular in early 1993 (the song I mean, not the contraceptive device), despite the rather crude, sophomoric style of the lyrics. Mark Bowden’s team used it as their opening number, despite my protests that it should perhaps be used later in the show – see letter – click here for link.

The original tune is Under The Moon of Love, originally by Curtis Lee but made famous in the UK by Showaddywaddy – see YouTube of them singing it by clicking here or below.

And a link to the original lyrics – click here.

As part of my research for the lyrics that follow, Janie and I did procure and attempt to use such a contraption on one occasion. How we laughed. The things we put ourselves through for my NewsRevue art.

♬ INSIDE A FEMIDOM ♬

(To the Tune of “Under the Moon of Love”)

 

VERSE 1

Lets go for a little shag, and use a Femidom,

Just me and you and a plastic bag, lets use a Femidom;

I wanna lover {wanna lover} with a cover {with a cover},

Like a great big Wellington,

Little darling, let’s poke and stoke, inside a Femidom {a Femidom}

 

VERSE 2

Loving you is so fantastic, inside a Femidom,

With your coat of thermoplastic, known as the Femidom;

This vaginal {this vaginal} polyvinyl {polyvinyl},

Is an artificial con,

Little darling let’s bonk and tonk, inside a Femidom {a Femidom}

 

MIDDLE BIT 1

We only bought the one, because the price is so steep,

By the time you got it on, I’d long since gone off to sleep;

{I think I would rather use my hand}

 

VERSE 3

Bring the groceries from the shops, inside a Femidom,

A pork salami and sirloin chops, inside a Femidom;

It’s the fashion {it’s the fashion} to kill passion {to kill passion},

With a jumbo freezer bag,

Little darling, let’s hump and rump, inside a Femidom {a Femidom}

 

MIDDLE BIT 2

At enormous cost, a polyurethane thrill,

I hope that we’ve not lost, our coil and our cap and the pill;

{Why not use a method I can stand?}

 

VERSE 4

We’ll avoid a misconception, without a Femidom,

Let’s use other contraception, but not the Femidom,

Then we’ll feel {then we’ll feel} something real {something real},

And we won’t feel put upon,

Little darling let’s play and lay, without a Femidom {no Femidom}.

copyright © Ian Harris 1992

My Genitalia, NewsRevue Lyric, 12 December 1992

This lyric is shown on my January 1993 “Bowden submission sheet” – click here for link to that artefact.

It hadn’t been used in late 1992 (unsurprising, as the Christmas run tended to keep any December material out until January) so I resubmitted it in early 1993.

I don’t think the song was used, nor on re-reading it do I think it should have been. I cannot recall precisely why it seemed topical to write this song and/or to rhyme “Austin Metro” with “hetero” in Verse Three, but I think someone somewhere was caught doing something sexual with the exhaust of his car.

Click here or below for a link to My Generation by The Who, including their original lyrics for the tune.

♬ MY GENITALIA ♬

 (To the Tune of “My Generation”)

VERSE 1 – INTRODUCTION OF THE UNFORTUNATE CHARACTER

People try to put them down,

{talking ’bout my genitalia}

Just because they’re small and round;

{talking ’bout my genitalia}

The things I say are always crude,

{talking ’bout my genitalia}

Cos I can never get myself screwed.

{talking ’bout my genitalia}(My genitalia, my genitalia)

 

VERSE 2 – HE’S ON HIS OWN

Why don’t I just f-f-f-feel myself,

{talking ’bout my masturbation}

My DIY kit on the shelf;

{talking ’bout ejaculation}

The doctors call it sexual failure,

{talking ’bout my gamomania}

Just talking ’bout my genitalia.

{talking ’bout my genitalia}(My genitalia, my genitalia)

 

VERSE 3 – EXTRA VERSE WHILE THIS STORY IS STILL TOPICAL

People think that I’m not hetero,

{talking ’bout my genitalia}

Because I love my Austin Metro;

{talking ’bout my monomania}

I lust for its boot and regalia,

{talking ’bout my gamomania}

And that exhausts my genitalia.

{talking ’bout my genitalia}(My genitalia, my genitalia)

 

VERSE 4 – HE’S OFF

Women try to put me down,

{talking ’bout emasculation}

Cos I’m the biggest prick in town;

{talking ’bout exaggeration}

I’ll take a trip out to Australia,

{talking ’bout a grand vacation}

Where all men talk about genitalia.

{talking ’bout my genitalia}(My genitalia, my genitalia)

 

copyright © Ian Harris 1992

 

Janie and Ian’s First Holiday Together, Venice, December 1992

Janie and I met in August 1992.  Our first travel together was a short trip to Venice, in early December that year.

02 Another grand canal view V_1992_3_Photo03_4

I didn’t keep a written log on that trip, but we did take some photographs and make up a small album, which is captioned and which you can see here.