Leon The Pig Farmer, Followed By Dinner In Bristol With Hilary & Family, 26 to 28 March 1993

Janie’s diary is full of information for the Friday evening:

6.00 Leon Pig Farmer – Gary at Ian confirm?

7.15 starts (7.30) Kensington Odeon

Yes, I am pretty sure Janie and I saw Leon the Pig Farmer at Kensington Odeon.

I do not recall Gary (Davison, presumably) joining us at the movies that night.

Here is the IMDb resource for the movie.

Below is its trailer:

It was a quirky, rather corny film with some excellent actors in it.

I am pretty sure we ate and stayed at mine, not least because Janie treated one of her Saudi princess clients in town on Saturday moirning before we went off to Bristol. I don’t suppose they discussed Leon The Pig Farmer.

My diary is not at all forthcoming about the details of this weekend. All I wrote for the Friday evening and then Saturday were a couple of very short words:

PIG.

Hils.

Then some arrows and stuff across the Sunday, implying that we stayed in Bristol, Janie also had a symbolic line through Sunday.

With no other information about where we stayed, I’m guessing this is the one and only time that we stayed at Janie’s sister Hil and Chris Boswell’s house, in the conservatory, on their Z bed. (Sounds like a Cluedo accusation).

Memory suggests that we ate a very good meal with some good wine. Were “entertained” by the boys squabbling with each other and then tried our best to sleep on the Z bed.

Titty Titty Bum Bum, Presumably For A NewsRevue Smoker, 28 March 1993

My journal note for this lyric reads:

Tribute to the comedy legend Terry Randall

I’m going to guess that I wasn’t overly enamoured of Terry Randall’s March to April 1993 NewsRevue run. Presumably I wrote this for a smoker or just to show around the writers, some others of whom might well have been similarly disaffected:

TITTY TITTY BUM BUM

(A Song in memory of Terry Randall’s run to the Tune of “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang”)

 

INTRO

Titty bum bum, titty titty bum bum,

Titty bum bum, titty titty bum bum,

Titty bum bum, titty titty bum bum;

 

CHORUS 1

Ha ha titty titty bum bum, titty titty bum bum’s what we do,

And this titty titty bum bum, is a pretty dull dum News Revue;

Where has all the audience gone, they’re to thick to get the joke,

Bum bum titty titty bum bum, push pricks pubes paps and poke,

Bum bum titty titty bum bum, with TV sport and soap.

 

TV SPORT AND SOAP

East Enders screw everyone,

Brookside viewers read the Sun,

While Sky TV’s dropping like a stone;

Paul Gascoigne’s knee’s terrible,

And Vinnie Jones gropes the ball,

Mike Gatting is batting his bone.

 

CHORUS 2

Ha ha titty titty bum bum, titty titty bum bum’s all we’ve got,

And this titty titty bum bum, is a shitty rum numb not a lot;

Where have all the writers got to, they all know they’re out of luck,

Bum bum titty titty bum bum, so News Revue is stuck,

Bum bum titty titty bum bum, but we don’t give a fuck.

{Titty titty bum bum, titty titty bum bum, you’re all wankers, titty titty bum}

Below is embedded the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang Theme Tune:

Here is a link to those Chitty Chitty Bang Bang lyrics.

Ma Stricht, NewsRevue Lyric, 28 March 1993

25 years later Europe still dominates our politics here in the UK – oh boy.

Anyway, the Maastricht Treaty was the hot potato in 1993. I wrote this:

MA STRICHT

(To the Tune of “Ma Baker”)

 

FEMALE VOICE:Freeze, this here’s the Ma Stricht treaty.  Put your hands in the air and gimme all your constitutional powers.

MALE VOICE:This is the story of Ma Stricht.  The longest bill in old Westminster town.

 

VERSE 1

It was the longest bill, At the third reading stage,

A repetitious bill,It seemed to take an age,

It was no fun at all,No no no fun at all;

It was the tritest act, In old Westminster town,

A most prosaic act, They tried to bring it down,

Till the whips came along,Then Tories played along.

 

CHORUS 1

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht is, Parliament’s main fight,

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht keeps, MPs up all night,

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht is, as boring as hell,

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht cos it’s the Lords match as well.

 

VERSE 2

She was the meanest cow,In old Westminster town,

An old and bitter cow,In her red Ermine gown;

She had no heart at all,No no no heart at all;

She used her heavy mob,These thugs all owed her credit,

An evil heavy mob,Lord Joseph and Lord Tebbit;

They had no heart at all,And had no brains to call.

 

CHORUS 2

Ma ma ma ma, Marge Thatcher, she and her old Peers,

Ma ma ma ma, Marge Thatcher, fought Europe for years,

Ma ma ma ma, Marge Thatcher, she thought the EC,

Ma ma ma ma, Marge Thatcher ought to stage World War Three.

 

MAJOR:This is a special bulletin.  Marge Thatcher is the Tory Whip’s most considerably wanted woman.  Oh yes.  If you see anyone voting with this woman, please report it immediately to Tory Central Office.

THATCHER:Don’t anybody move.  Hand over that treaty.

 

VERSE 3

John Major’s dull and thick, But he knows Thatcher’s ploys,

He’ll make the treaty stick,With his Tory whip boys,

Though it won’t work at all,Cos it’s not meaningful.

 

CHORUS 3

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht oh, when will the end come?

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht needs, a referendum,

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht has, got nowhere to go,

Ma ma ma ma, Ma Stricht cos half of Europe says “no”.

Here is a vid of Boney M (probably) singing Ma Baker:

Here is a link to Ma Baker lyrics.

Jimmy Knapp, NewsRevue Lyric, 28 March 1993

Jimmy Knapp was the leader of the National Union Of Railwaymen (latterly and by the time of this lyric the RMT).

The “Reid” mentioned in the lyric is Bob Reid, who chaired British Rail at that time, not John Reid who was Minister of Transport a few year’s later.

Jimmy Knapp was somewhat in the news most of the time but in truth wasn’t big news that spring. I don’t think this lyric was used.

JIMMY KNAPP

(To the Tune of “Jimmy Mack” – backing vocals are easier done than read)

CHORUS 1

Jimmy Knapp, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, when are trains coming back?

Jimmy Knapp, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re running off the track.

VERSE 1

MacGregor’s cursing you,

Bob Reid feels the same way too;

You stick to your lines like glue,

BR staff’s relying on you;

Worker’s chief fear is that you will fail,

To save those jobs in British Rail.

CHORUS 2

Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re taking all the flak,

Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, it’s trains that Britons lack.

VERSE 2

He calls Reid on the phone,

About three times a day;

But it’s hard to listen to,

What Knapp has to say;

Cos everything Jim says to you,

Is in a deep Glasweigan hue.

CHORUS 3

Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re an old union hack,

Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re like a BR snack {stale and vapid}

{Jimmy Knapp, you’re an old union hack, Jimmy Knapp, you’re like a BR snack}

 

VERSE 3

I wanna say, un-i-ons aren’t getting stronger,

But the trains don’t run any longer,

Briton’s trains are empty,

Cos Jimmy he’s in charge of the RMT.

CHORUS 4

Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’d better mind the gap,

Jimmy, (costs are rising), Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, cos British Rail is crap.

I attempted an updated version in June 1995, which went as follows:

JIMMY KNAPP
(To the Tune of “Jimmy Mack” – backing vocals are easier done than read)

CHORUS 1

Jimmy Knapp, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, when are trains coming back?
Jimmy Knapp, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re striking Railtrack.

VERSE 1

Railtrack are cursing you, commuters feel the same way too;
You stick to your lines like glue, signalmen aren’t working for you;
You took the bosses by surprise, with union action for a huge pay rise.

CHORUS 2

Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re taking all the flak,
Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, it’s trains that Britons lack.

VERSE 2

He calls Bob on the phone, about three times a day;
But it’s hard to listen to, what Knapp has to say;
Cos everything Jim says to you, is in a deep Glasweigan hue.

CHORUS 3 (SUNG IN A VERY DEEP GLASWEIGAN HUE)

Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re an old union hack,
Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you’re like a BR snack {stale and vapid}
{Jimmy Knapp, you’re an old union hack, Jimmy Knapp, you’re like a BR snack}

VERSE 3 (BACK TO NORMALITY)

I wanna say, un-i-ons aren’t getting stronger,
And the trains don’t run any longer,
Briton’s trains are empty,
Cos Jimmy he’s in charge of the RMT.

CHORUS 4

Hey, Jimmy, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, you mind the income gap,
Jimmy, {wages rising}, Jimmy, oh Jimmy Knapp, cos British Rail is crap.

Here are Martha and the Vandellas singing Jimmy Mack – embedded below or click this link to also see lyrics in YouTube:

Stand By Norman, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 March 1993

Well, I wrote far better lyrics about Norman Lamont – not least this pre-NewsRevue one…

Norman Lamont, Topical Lyric, 17 January 1992

…and the following, from after his demise, which is undoubtedly my favourite:

Norman The Chancellor, Topical Lyric, 30 May 1993

But while Lamont’s gig as Chancellor hung in the balance, I wrote this lyric – which I am pretty sure didn’t make the cut.

I can’t think of a lyric to this tune without thinking of Ivan Shakespeare’s wonderful piece: “Sometimes it’s hard to be a new man…Stand by your flan…” – a true classic.

STAND BY NORMAN

(To the Tune of “Stand By Your Man”)

 

VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR 

Sometimes it’s hard to be the PM,

Giving all your trust to just one man;

I have a wrecker,

In the exchequer,

Doing things that no-one understands.

 

VERSE 2 – STILL JOHN MAJOR

But as I’m desperate I’ll forgive him,

Even though the pound’s gone down the pan;

Wherever we go,

He fuels my ego,

Cos I look smart beside Norman.

 

CHORUS 1 – OF SUBTLE DOUBTERS

Stand by Norman,

Give him a rope to cling to,

Just hope he doesn’t hang you,

When you’re back is turned for moments.

 

CHORUS 2 – OF LESS SUBTLE DOUBTERS

Stamp on Norman,

And show the world we’re changing,

We want less mouse and need more man,

Stamp on Norman.

Here is Tammy Wynette singing Stand By Your Man with the lyrics popping up on the screen:

If that one doesn’t work, try this one:

…and a link to these lyrics.

Grunge Clobber Wearer, NewsRevue Lyric (Unused), 27 March 1993

I’d completely forgotten about this lyric. I’m sure NewsRevue didn’t use it but it certainly has party piece potential – especially as the tune, Guantanamera, is in my baritone-uke repertoire.

I especially like the spoken bit, emulating Pete Seeger’s delivery.

GRUNGE CLOBBER WEARER

(A Song with singalong potential to the Tune of Guantanamera”)

 

INTRO

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer,

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer.

 

VERSE 1

She wears an old green sombrero,

She bought for three quid at Oxfam,

It don’t match her blue bolero,

And she’s a bright yellow socks fan.

None of her gear ever matches

She’s a thing of shreds and patches.

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer,

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer.

 

VERSE 2

She dons an old baggy cardie,

And V-neck jumper that mum made,

Mum used to knit clothes so hardy,

That they would last several decades.

She decks her bright baggy flare-as,

Or loon pants under her hipsters.

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer,

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer.

 

SPOKEN BIT

The words mean:

She is much poorer now and can’t afford designer clothing any more,

But she is not crying, because she can now wear old tat and call it fashion.

Her cut outs are soft green.  Her cut outs are also flaming crimson.

Her cut outs resemble the output of an old age home occupational therapy unit.

The last verse says: “This fashion is insincerer”:

With the poor people of this earth she wishes to share her fashion statement.

But once she’s making pots of money again, she’ll go back into the boutiques.

 

OUTRO

Sing along now: Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer,

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer.

(Once more: Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer,

Grunge clobber wearer, she is a grunge clobber wearer.)

Here is Pete Seeger giving it his all in a grunge clobber wearer shirt:

…and here is a link to those Guantanamera lyrics.

Will He Employ Me Tomorrow, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 March 1993

Unemployment was a big issue in 1993 – the gig economy hadn’t been invented for a start. Quite a lot of my lyrics related to the topic.

I was unsure whether or not this one was used, until I found this letter – click here.

It’s perhaps not the very best of them and is generic in nature. Some decent lines though and it seems it gre on me when I saw it performed.

WILL HE EMPLOY ME TOMORROW?

(To the Tune of “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?”)

VERSE 1

Each day I slog completely, {Sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha,}

To keep my boss repletely, {Sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha,}

Tonight my fright may well be mortified, {Aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa},

Will he employ me tomorrow? {Will he employ you tomorrow?}

VERSE 2

This permanent employment, {Sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha,}

Seems like transient deployment? {Sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha,}

Can I believe these are P45s. {Aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa},

He won’t employ me tomorrow. {He won’t employ you tomorrow}

MIDDLE BIT

For years with words unspoken,

I earned my pay by working hard;

But now my contract’s broken,

I’ve been sent {s/he’s been sent} to the knack- {to the knack-} ers yard.

VERSE 3

I’d like to hope that your boss, {Sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha,}

Does not treat staff like old dross;{Sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha, sha-la-lub-sha,}

So tell me now cos if you think he’s kind, {Aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa},

He may employ me tomorrow. {He may employ you tomorrow?}

I’ll crawl and plead if you don’t think he’ll mind, {Aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa, aaaaaaaa},

Oh please employ me tomorrow? {Oh please employ him/her tomorrow?}

Here is an embedded vid of the Shirelles singing “Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow” – and if you click through to YouTube on this link you can also read the lyrics:

Submission To Michael Ereira’s NewsRevue April To May 1993 Run, 23 March 1993

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING

MICHAEL EREIRA APRIL- MAY 1993 RUN

 

         

  Song Title

Original Title/

Artist on Tape

Aprox. No. of Performances
   7+ 4-6   1-3 New/Nil
top of the pops uk economy special golden brown/stranglers

jilted john/jilted john

y
better face heal the world/michael jackson y
zaire of the brat year of the cat/al stewart y
if i had a ….. if i had a hammer/trini lopez y
wake ye up signore amato wake me up before you go go/wham y
designer delilah/tom jones y
slobidan’s army oliver’s army/elvis costello y
i don’t care ’bout my baby take good care of my baby/bobby vee y
my genitalia my generation/who y
don’t leave me this space dont leave me this way/harold melvin & bluenotes

dont leave me this way/thelma houston

y
side b
i got bacon i got rhythm/happenings y
mushrooms under my skin i’ve got you under my skin/frank sinatra y
fair weather friend you’ve got a friend/carole king y
mating a bull with a heffer stairway to heaven/led zeppelin y
standing in the dole queue lambeth walk/no recording sorry y
marje proops high hopes/no recording sorry y
several quickies recordings of some of these available on request if you need them y

 

Saigon Rose by David Edgar, Orange Tree Room, 20 March 1993

Saigon Rose announcementSaigon Rose announcement Mon, Mar 1, 1993 – 26 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com

The “programme” – or rather the single sheet of printed A4 you tended to get at the Orange Tree Room – went missing for this show, which is a shame.

It was one of three plays we went to see in that room above the Orange Tree Pub, which they kept going as a second venue for a while but stopped using I think later that year.

This was Janie’s and my first visit to The Orange Tree together…my first visit there full stop.

I was thrilled to encounter Ian Angus Wilkie in that cast. He had been in the cast of NewsRevue late spring the previous year and had been one of the first professional performers to perform one of my lyrics.

California Here I Go, NewsRevue Lyric, 23 April 1992

Chris Stanton still speaks of Ian Angus Wilkie as one of the best comedy actors with whom he has ever worked.

Despite the antiquity of this visit, I can find two reviews on-line:

Because there are no other resources, I have scraped the above pieces, for just  in case; Ian’s – click here...or Sarah’s – click here,

I cannot reconstruct the whole cast and creatives list, but we can ascertain that the cast included:

  • Michael Higgs;
  • Henrietta Garden;
  • Mairéad Carty;
  • Ian Angus Wilkie.

Rachel Kavanaugh directed.

I remember really liking this play and the production and really liking The Orange Tree Room. It reminded me a bit of The Gate, a small fringe venue of which I was already fond.

Did they really make more money turning that prime space into hotel rooms?…

…no need to answer that question.

Orlando, Not Viv…I Think, 19 March 1993

Both our diaries say we went to Janie;s friend and former colleague Viv’s place for dinner, but Janie’s diary also has some temporally confounding stuff in it:

7.30 Viv dinner. 6.00 Ian for dinner.

Orlando at 7.00 (film start 7.10)

[then Viv’s Temple Fortune address, redacted for this purpose]

From memory, this scheduled evening at Viv’s was postponed, perhaps more than once, owing to Gray (Viv’s partner) being indisposed. Busy chap was Gray – I think we were supposed to have dinner with him quite a few times but only actually did so a couple of times.

Anyway, I do recall going to see Orlando with Janie very soon after it opened in the UK. Janie was very keen to see it.

Here is a link to the IMDb entry for Orlando.

Below is the movie trailer.

I remember we both found the film baffling.

Looking at the trailer a quarter of a century later, there is a lot of LGBT+? stuff in there and a lot of Fleabag-like knowing looks to the camera.

Perhaps it would make more sense to us seeing that movie now? Or perhaps not.