Calling On The Mobile Phone, NewsRevue Lyric, 10 September 1994

Actually, the version I am showing first below, which I think is the version that ran in the show for much of that autumn, is dated 12 October 1994 – adapted as the story unfolded.

The piece works better as a solo for Princess Diana I think – the original one (further down this page) was a duet.

Not sure if memory is playing tricks on me, but I think the wonderful Sarah Moyle did an especially good Princess Di for this one.

The first of my lyrics on this theme was written a couple of years earlier and had a reasonable run of its own in the show – click here.

CALLING ON THE MOBILE PHONE – HEWITT REMIX
(To the tune of “Hanging on the Telephone”)

VERSE 1 – DIANA

I’m on the car phone I am calling from the Palace,
I call up Olly and I do it out of malice,
I hate the Queen, Prince Charles and Princess Alice;

I’m just calling on this mobile phone,
Hope no-one’s tracing up my mobile phone.

VERSE 2 – STILL DIANA

I get no answer so I’ll call up Major Hewitt,
I’ll take a chance and I am sure Winkie can do it,
We’d dine in France except I’m sure that I would spew it;

Oh he has a master nack,
I’ll kill Anna Pasternak,
I shall call that bastard back.

Be a nuisance with this mobile phone,
And I’ll sue them for this treasoned tome.

VERSE 3 – DIANA

I’ll call obsessively until some people show up,
Some say depressively but some say I should grow up,
I’ll eat a lettuce leaf and then I’ll have to throw up.

And so I’ll chunder on the mobile phone,
Steal Chuck’s thunder with my mobile phone,
You’d go under paying for this phone.

Here’s Blondie singing Hanging On The Telephone with lyrics on the screen:

For the completists amongst us, here is the earlier version, based around a duet with Oliver Hoare rather than Di singing solo about James Hewitt:

CALLING ON THE MOBILE PHONE

(To the tune of “Hanging on the Telephone”)

 

VERSE 1 – DIANA

 

I’m on the car phone I am calling from the Palace,

I call up Olly and I do it out of malice,

I hate the Queen, Prince Charles and Princess Alice;

 

I’m just calling on this mobile phone,

Hope no-one’s tracing up my mobile phone.

 

VERSE 2 – OLIVER HOARE

 

Please don’t laugh at me just because my name is Hoare,

(I said don’t laugh)

Di calls me up and so I’m sure that I could score,

I’m pals with Charles but he looks less good in the raw;

 

Oh a bloody call again,

Guess that cow will bawl again,

Drives me up the wall again.

 

That’s why I traced Diana’s mobile phone,

And have disgraced Diana’s use of phones.

 

VERSE 3 – DIANA

 

I’ll call obsessively until some people show up,

Some say depressively but some say I should grow up,

I’ll eat a lettuce leaf and then I’ll have to throw up.

 

And so I’ll chunder on the mobile phone,

Steal Chuck’s thunder with my mobile phone,

You’d go under paying for this phone.

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