John West Rejects, NewsRevue Quickie, 18 October 1994

This poor quality and poor taste quickie shows why I did well to stick mostly with lyrics.

The best Fred and Rose West material in NewsRevue was Debbie Barham’s wonderful English Country Garden song. I take a tiny amount of credit for that one having contributed the opening line, “How many stiffs can you hide without a whiff?” at the idea’s birth during a writers meeting. When Debbie retorted, “How many tendons in the rhododendrons?” I insisted that she would do a better job of that lyric than I possibly could – and I was right.

My sketch below is very very pale by comparison:

(A quickie to hail the trial of John West, Fred West’s ne’er do well brother)

A weirdo walks across the stage. It will transpire that he is Fred West. He happens upon two women.

WOMAN ONE:: Oy, Fred, what are you staring at?

FRED: I was thinking about offering you lodgings, but I’ve decided against it. Push off.


FRED: (Sings) Now I’m a ripper ripper…….

WOMAN TWO: (Innocently enters with luggage) Excuse me, I saw your sign advertising lodgings………..

FRED: Bugger off. We’re full.

VOICE-OVER: It’s the chicks Fred West rejects, that makes John West’s victims the best.

(While the voice-over is going, all three look upwards and around, trying to trace the source of the voice-over)

WOMAN ONE: What sort of pilchard put this sketch in the show?

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