Letter To Ben Murphy Re Mr Barrymore, 29 January 1995

I assume Mr Barrymore is the comedian Michael Barrymore.

Strange that Ben Murphy asked me to do stuff about a TV personality, as I had no TV in the 1990s so presumably was writing to some sort of characteristic brief provided by Ben.

Also strange to uncover this stuff today, as the same comedian’s name came up earlier today, in conversation at Lord’s with “real tennis Tony”. Yet that name probably hadn’t entered my consciousness in decades.

Letter and some fairly inexplicable quickies follow. I don’t think Ben used any of this stuff; perhaps the odd scrap live.

Ben Murphy                                                 29 January 1995

(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben

AT LAST – SOME STUFF

I have not had much time for writing or thinking since we last spoke, but here is an update of some stuff and my thoughts so far for Mr Barrymore. I’ll try and come up with some more soon but don’t hold your breath.

You were going to send me some of your tapes for punting around to hopefuls in the States etc. – is that still a happening thing?

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris

Encs.

…and the relevant enc…

BARRYMORE IDEAS
GRAND ROLEX WATCH

My grand Rolex watch was too large for my wrist,
So it sat there for years in my drawer;
I daren’t put it on just in case I get pissed,
Or get mugged when I walk out the door.

T’was a gift from me dad,
Who was always such a lad,
But gawd knows how he paid for this clock.

(look at watch in anger)
Now it’s stopped, short, never to go again,
(smash watch)
It’s fake from Bangkok.

 

STATIONARY TRAIN

The stationary train sat on the track, didn’t move;
The stationary train sat on the track, didn’t move;
The passengers knocked the ale back,
While tannoy voice blamed it on Railtrack, leaves and crew, crew, crew, crew, crew.

The tannoy said (crackle crackle) “we apologise to passengers for blah blah blah), didn’t move,
The tannoy said (crackle crackle) “would passengers waiting blah blah blah), didn’t move,

 

THERE’S A KIND OF HUSH

There’s a kind of hush,
All over the world tonight……..
(Voice off): So shut up then!!!
IF I HAD A STAMMER

Guitarist gently strums the pleasant riff from this song.
He encourages the audience to sing along with him on the oohh oohhs each time.

QUICKIE 1 – STAMMER

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,
Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;
If I had a stammer,
I’d stammer in the morning,
I’d s s s s s s;

 

QUICKIE 2 – HAMMOCK

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,
Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;
If I had a hammock,
I’d (snorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr)

 

QUICKIE 3 – WHAMMER (not for children or people of a nervous disposition)

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,
Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;
If I had a whammer,
I’d (makes wanking gesture) in the morning,
I’d (makes wanking gesture) in the evening,
All over this hand.

 

QUICKIE 4 – HUMMER

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,
Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;
If I were a hummer,
I’d hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm,
Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm, hm,
Hm, hm, hm, hm, hm.

 

QUICKIE 5 – GRAMMAR

Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,
Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;
If I had no grammar,
I’d in the morning grammar,
I’d evening in the grammar…..(ends in confusion)