We’re In The Mood For Grafting, NewsRevue Lyric, 23 May 1995

Sometimes I tweaked and resubmitted lyrics because the song was being used and needed updating. Sometimes I tweaked in an attempt to get a song used. This was the latter. Unsuccessfully, I am pretty sure. July version below the vid.

WE’RE IN THE MOOD FOR GRAFTING
(To the Tune of “I’m in the Mood For Dancing”)
ANNOUNCER: And now we present, that well known all singing all dancing Government enquiry: the Nolans.

CHORUS 1

We’re in the mood for grafting,
Three in a bed shafting,
We do it the Tory way;
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Feeble excuse crafting,
We’ve all been caught out today.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Grafting grafting,
We’re in the mood;
Rafting rafting,
We’re also crude;
Shafting shafting,
You’ve all been screwed,
Die laughing.

CHORUS 2

We’re in the mood for rake offs,
Police accountant make offs,
With cash that could be a bung;
We’re in the poo for sharing,
Without declaring,
We’ve even ripped off this song.

(Enter policeman)

POLICEMAN: Oy, you lot. Is that huge wad of cash your royalty money for this song?

NOLANS: (reluctantly admit that it is)

POLICEMAN: Hand it over then. That’s vital police evidence that is.

(Nolans reluctantly hand over huge wad of cash and exeunt muttering displeasure)

POLICEMAN: (Exit, saying) Mmmm, nice wad. Should buy me two or three questions in the House of Commons that should. Or me entrance fee to the Masons.

Below are my tweaked July 1995 lyrics:

WE’RE IN THE MOOD FOR GRAFTING
(To the Tune of “I’m in the Mood For Dancing”)
ANNOUNCER: And now we present, that well known all singing all dancing Government enquiry into standards in public life: the Nolans.

CHORUS 1

Oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh-oooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-h-h-ooh-ooh,
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Three in a bed shafting,
Oooh – we do it the Tory way;
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Feeble excuse crafting,
Oooh – we’ve all been caught out today.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Grafting grafting,
We’re in the mood, Tories, rack up director’s pay;
Oooh – shafting shafting,
You’ve all been screwed, lately, so underneath the carpet this must stay.

CHORUS 2

We’re in the mood for rake offs,
Police accountant make offs,
Oooh – with cash that could be a bung;
We’re in the poo for sharing,
Without declaring,
But you’ll never find, backshish that’s gone;
But MP’s don’t mind, we’ve even ripped off this song.
Oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh-oooh…………

(Enter policeman)

POLICEMAN: Oy, you lot. Is that huge wad of cash your royalty money for this song?

NOLANS: (reluctantly admit that it is)

POLICEMAN: Hand it over then. That’s vital police evidence that is.

(Nolans reluctantly hand over huge wad of cash and exeunt muttering displeasure)

POLICEMAN: (Exit, saying) Mmmm, nice wad. Should buy me two or three questions in the House of Commons that should. Or me admission fee to the local Masonic lodge.

Matchwinner Matchwinner, NewsRevue Lyric (Probably Unused), 22 May 1995

Imran Khan and Jemima Goldsmith was a big story back then.

Not content with my unsubtle “Snatchbroker” treatment of the Matchmaker tune from Fiddler on the Roof, from 1992 – click here – I wrote this.

It fails rather a lot of PC tests on rereading; race, sex, socio-economic group…oh dear.

I do still like the fake rhyme with Kharach-ee. That made me smile.

MATCHWINNER, MATCHWINNER
(To the Tune of “Matchmaker, Matchmaker”)

MRS GOLDSMITH: Matchmaker, matchmaker make her a match,
Find one who’s rich, and up to scratch,
Stockbroker, fundstrader, someone with spunk,
Jemima would like to hatch.

JEMIMA: Matchwinner, matchwinner, you are my match,
You, Imran Khan, came on my patch;
Matchwinner matchwinner, though you may come,
From Pakistan’s town Kharach…..

MRS GOLDSMITH: (…ee) Jemima make him a scholar,
JEMIMA: But scholars say that we should not wed;
MRS GOLDSMITH: Perhaps I can bake him a challa, (pronounced with a germanic “ch” followed by “olar” as in “scholar”)
JEMIMA: My Imran don’t dig on that kind of bread.

JEMIMA: Matchwinner, matchwinner, crickets your game,
If we have sons, they’ll have your name;
And play for England if they choose the same,
BOTH: So paparazzi,
Muse on this truth,
Jemima might be,
One English youth,
Who’s able to hold her catch.

Here is Matchmaker Matchmaker from the film of Fiddler:

Letter To Ben Murphy Including Free Nelson Mandela Lyric, 14 May 1995

I don’t think Ben recorded either of my suggestions from this letter; he might have used one or both live.

I might try “Hanging Around” on the baritone ukulele; I still love that song.

Ben Murphy                                                        14 May 1995
(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben

THAT TAPE / THOSE TAPES

I enclose a tape with the Free Nelson Mandela song on it for your greatest hits. I still think it should be short and sharp:

Thirty one years in captivity,
In most unholy matrimony,
Are you so blind that you cannot see,
That she’s so fat she can hardly breathe;
Free Nelson Mandela (from Winnie, from Winnie,
Free Nelson Mandela (from Winnie, from Winnie).
etc.

I have also taped Hanging Around by Lou Reed which I think you could do really well “straight” – see what you think.

Those back catalogue tapes arrived towards the end of last week; ten of each, many thanks. I can now fulfil the transatlantic sample orders – don’t hold your breath. There were no inlay cards with the tapes, which is a bit of a shame. Is that because there are none left or just an oversight? If you have any left, please send them to me ASAP as I do think presentation helps, especially with our US friends.

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Cheers.

Yours sincerely

Ian Harris (Z/Ian)
Enc.

If you have an urge to hear and see the lyrics to Free Nelson Mandela:

…and if you cannot resist the urge to hear Hanging Around by Lou Reed: