NewsRevue Tonight, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 July 1995

By gosh this one ran and ran. I updated the lyric later in the year for the Xmas Special (see below the YouTube) and casts themselves tweaked the lyrics as they went along, of course.

Here’s a link to  three more subsequent versions.

Perennially useable with just a few tweaks…

NEWS REVUE TONIGHT
(To the Tune of “Comedy Tonight”)
VERSE 1

MAJOR: Someone familiar,
PAISLEY: Someone peculiar,
GIRLS: Wierdos from everywhere at News Revue tonight;
BLOKES: Lee Clegg’s appealing,
GIRLS: Aitken’s appalling,
ALL: No pardons anywhere at News Review tonight.

MIDDLE EIGHT 1

GIRLS: Nothing that brings share options down,
BLOKES: Bring on Ken Clarke in place of the clowns
GIRLS: Old exploitations,
BLOKES: New corporations,
ALL: Something to make the boss contrite;

CLIMAX 1

ALL: Barbican tomorrow,
News Revue tonight.

VERSE 2

GIRLS: Naff social diaries,
BLOKES: The Scott enquiry,
ALL: Sleaze factor everywhere at News Revue tonight;
BLOKES: Serbs’ revolution,
GIRLS: Scots’ devolution,
ALL: Side splitting everywhere at News Revue tonight.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

GIRLS: Nothing with French nuclear tests,
BLOKES: Show us Paul Gascoigne’s Liz Hurly breasts.
GIRLS: News that reflects life,
BLOKES: Bill Clinton’s sex life,
ALL: Satire that puts the world to right;

CLIMAX 2

ALL: Maida Vale tomorrow,
News Revue, News Revue, News Revue, News Revue, News Revue..Tonight!!

Below is a YouTube of Comedy Tonight – or a link to lyrics here:

 

Below is my Xmas Special lyric, dated 30 November 1995:

NEWS REVUE TONIGHT – XMAS SPECIAL VERSION
(To the Tune of “Comedy Tonight”)
VERSE 1

MAJOR: Someone familiar,
PAISLEY: Someone peculiar,
GIRLS: Wierdos from everywhere at News Revue tonight;
BLOKES: Tax cuts appealing,
GIRLS: Budget’s appaulling,
ALL: Christmas is coming here at News Review tonight.

MIDDLE EIGHT 1

GIRLS: Nothing that brings share options down,
BLOKES: Bring on Ken Clarke in place of the clowns
GIRLS: Old exploitations,
BLOKES: New corporations,
ALL: Something to make the boss contrite;

CLIMAX 1

ALL: Barbican tomorrow,
News Revue tonight.

VERSE 2

GIRLS: Di’s social diaries,
BLOKES: The Scott enquiry,
ALL: Sleaze factor everywhere at News Revue tonight;
BLOKES: Serbs’ revolution,
GIRLS: Scots’ devolution,
ALL: Side splitting everywhere at News Revue tonight.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

GIRLS: Nothing with French nuclear tests,
BLOKES: Show us exploding silicon breasts.
GIRLS: News that reflects life,
BLOKES: Bill Clinton’s sex life,
ALL: Satire that puts the world to right;

CLIMAX 2

ALL: Cold turkey tomorrow,
News Revue, News Revue, News Revue, News Revue, News Revue..Tonight!!

I’m Not In Power, NewsRevue Lyric Unused, 16 July 1995

Too subtle, not really subtle, not funny enough…

…the suggestion that Michael Hestletine was bossing John Major…

…not sure.

I’M NOT IN POWER
(To the Tune of “I’m Not in Love”)

HEZZA: OK girls, lets get this enormous office set up and looking authoritative.

GIRLS: Yes sir, Mr Hestletine sir.

HEZZA: We’ll have the massive leather swivel chair over there, so the twenty foot by twelve foot portrait of my good self is right behind me, hold this a minute John.

MAJOR: Just a minute, Michael, who is the Prime Minister around here, you or me?

HEZZA: You are John, of course you are. We made a deal, remember. Girls, help me explain it to him.

VERSE 1

I’m not in power, and can’t forget it (pa da da da),
It’s just a silly phase Britain’s going through (pa da da pa da da pa da da)
And just because, It’s twice your size (pa da da da) {JOHN: The office, he means},
Don’t get me wrong, don’t think you’re on your way (pa da da pa da da pa da da)
I’m not in power, no no, you’re in charge.

VERSE 2

JOHN: I’m still the leader, but then again (pa da da da),
That doesn’t mean that I feel in control (pa da da pa da da pa da da)
HEZZA: Avoid the papers, don’t be afraid (pa da da da),
Don’t tell the press about the deal we’ve made (pa da da pa da da pa da da)
I’m not in charge, no no, so we’ve said.

MIDDLE EIGHT

JOHN: Ooohhh you’ll wait a long time to lead, ooohh you’ll wait a long time.
HEZZA: I can wait a long time to lead, I could wait a long time (winks at audience).

VERSE 3

HEZZA: I’ve put my portrait up on the wall (pa da da da)
It hides a messy picture hanging there (pa da da pa da da pa da da)
{JOHN: That’s my portrait you’ve covered up}
HEZZA: But don’t you ask me to take it down (pa da da da),
I know you know it doesn’t have significance (pa da da pa da da pa da da)
I’m not in charge {JOHN: You’re sure now?}
I’m not in power {JOHN: Oh, that’s alright then}
Why don’t you run along now, John? Have a few weeks off. I can run the shop without you for a while. Relax a bit, learn how to enjoy leisure time. You’ll have to get used to it sooner or later. (Pushes John offstage – blackout).

Here’s what I’m Not In Love by 10CC sounds and looks like:

I Can Sing A Rainbow Warrior, NewsRevue Lyric, 16 July 1995

The French did something outrageous to one of the Greenpeace Rainbow Warrior boats that summer, near New Zealand.

This lyric was my response. I think it was used in NewsRevue a few times.

I CAN SING A RAINBOW WARRIOR
(To the Tune of “I Can Sing A Rainbow”)
INTRO 1

TEACHER (ideally with a Kiwi accent) : Gather round children and I’ll teach you a little song:

CHORUS 1 – TEACHER

Red,
And yellow,
And pink,
And green;
Orange,
And purple,
And blue;
I can sing a rainbow,
Sing a rainbow,
Sing a rainbow too.
INTRO 2

TEACHER: Now Pierre and Jean-Claude, you try it.
CHORUS 2 – FRENCH BRATS

Raids,
And carnage,
And blood,
And guts;
Tear gas,
Commandos,
And guns;
We can seize a rainbow,
Seize a rainbow,
Rainbow Warrior Two.
OUTRO

TEACHER: These French are just so charming and cultured.

Try out this YouTube – the lyrics are in the text area underneath if you click through to see more of it:

 

Paula & Daryl Letter, NewsRevue Submission, 16 July 1995

Paula will be Paula Tappenden of course, but can I for the life of me remember Daryl’s surname? I have a mental picture of him, but no surname. I’m hoping that John Random spots this one and puts me right.

Update: John Random has given me the Boot – i.e. reminded me (on The Shit Of Araby lyric as it happens) that Daryl was, of course, named Daryl Boot. An excellent performer as well as director.

Usual blah blah about the neat table becoming a list because Amipro tables won’t convert.

Paula & Daryl
News Revue

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
AUGUST – SEPTEMBER 1995 RUN

Dear Paula & Daryl

Great to have you both back!! This starter pack consists some songs currently in the show, some previously unperformed ones and revamps of one or two which have come back into fashion as it were. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing you both soon.

Song Title / Original Title/ Artist on Tape

Aprox. No. of weeks performed 7+ 4-6 1-3 New

side 1

i’m not in power / i’m not in love / 10cc – New

i can sing a rainbow warrior / NO RECORDING – SORRY – New

jimmy knapp / jimmy mack/martha & the vandellas – 1-3

sealed syphilis / sealed with a kiss/brian hyland – New

vanessa mae / enola gay / omd – 4-6

jumping mick jagger / jumping jack flash / rolling stones – 4-6

crap tarantino man / son of a preacher man / dusty springfield – New

the shit of araby / the sheikh of araby / spike jones – New

posy band / perfect day / lou reed – New

Letter To Maggie, NewsRevue, 14 July 1995

I assume this was Maggie Danielewicz, who directed several times. Usual apologies for the shoddy looking list where the neat and tidy Amipro table used to be, but the facts about the submissions are all there to be seen. I think Maggie used a few of mine that year in Edinburgh.

No idea what her pricing problems were. Someone might know and chime in one day.

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
EDINBURGH 1995 RUN

Dear Maggie

This starter pack consists mainly of songs which have been in the show and have a good chance of still being topical or becoming topical again for Edinburgh (e.g. VE Day stuff becomes VJ Day stuff). There are also one or two unperformed ones. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know. I’ll send you brand new ones as I write them.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

I hope you have resolved your pricing problems; do let me know what you finally resolved. I look forward to seeing you soon.

Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape

Aprox. No. of weeks performed 7+ 4-6 1-3 New

side 1

i’ll never find another job/i’ll never find another you/seekers 7+

newt gingrich/moon river / danny williams New

privatise/bright eyes/art garfunkle 7+

oj’s girl/bobby’s girl/marcie blaine 7+

have i the right? / have i the right? / honeycombs 4-6

bye bye barings / bye bye baby / bay city rollers 4-6

crap tarrantino man/son of a preacher man/dusty springfield New

the shit of araby/the sheik of araby/spike jones New

posy band perfect day/lou reed New

lilley the prick lilley the pink/scaffold New

side 2

ve day medley x 2 many ghastly ww2 songs sung badly by soldiers 4-6
vanessa mae / enola gay / omd 4-6
jumping mick jagger / jumping jack flash / rolling stones 4-6

 

Fax To Ben Murphy Including Jumping Mick Jagger Lyric, 10 July 1995

Crumbs – Ben Murphy got a fax machine – I forgot all about this.

And indeed the Jagger lyric – I wonder whether Ben ever used it? I rather like it – and it is as topical today as it was in 1995 – perhaps even has improved with age.

 

Ben Murphy                     10 July 1995

(Wells address redacted)

Dear Ben

WELCOME TO THE 19th CENTURY

Yes, I mean 19th century: Empire, Queen Victoria, Elgar, rickets, starvation and antique second hand fax machines. I attach that Jagger song; I never got round to sending it snail mail but here it is faxwise. The paragraph below is the submission I have made through the Internet as sleeve notes for “Better Face” and “The Ultimate Love Song” which are appearing on a US student’s promo tape. No fee, but no charge to us either and he will be punting it to radio stations plus the nerd fraternity so who knows!!!

“Ben Murphy is an outstanding Irish comedy musician. Although he
lives and works mainly in Great Britain’s West Country (Somerset,
Devon, Cornwall), I first encountered Ben at a risky venue in
South-East London named “Up The Creek”. When acts die at Up The
Creek, the performers have actualy risked life and limb. Needless to
say, Ben not only survived but succeeded and a fine collaboration
was born. That was about three years ago. Since that time Ben has
produced three albums, “Cover of the Rolling Stone”, “I Want To Be
What I Was” and “Surfin’ In The UK”, all of which are laiden with
my material, some of Ben’s own work plus the work of many others.
This tape contains two products of our collaboration which have
been well received here in the UK, so we hope you like them. Ben is
a technophobe, but I am a gadget and net nut, so you can contact us
by telephone (44-171-243-0725), fax (44-171-229-2967), or e-mail
(zyenilh@zyenharri.win-uk.net). Enjoy.
Ian Harris”

If you want to change it, let me know and I’ll re-e-mail the guy. OK? Cool. (I’ve got to stop using these damned gadgets – the English goes to pot!!)

Cheers.
Ian Harris (Z/Ian)
Enc.

 

JUMPING MICK JAGGER
(To the Tune of “Jumping Jack Flash”)

(Much opportunity for posturing & prancing in a zimmer frame environment)

VERSE 1 – MICK

I was born in a cross-fire hurricane,
Now I’m bald and I use a zimmer frame.

CHORUS 1 – ALL THE STONES

Cos we’re all old now,
We’re well past our best,
Yes we’re all old,
And jumping Mick Jaggers days have past-past-past.

VERSE 2 – MICK

I was born back in 1943,
I still tour, but my nurse travels round with me.

CHORUS 2 – THE STONES

Cos we’re all worn out,
We’re old as the hills,
Yes we’re old now,
And jumping Mick Jagger pops Sanatogen pills.

VERSE 3 – MICK

Been around, had my pick of the chicks with ease (yeh yeh yeh),
Scores abound, with those bimbos on my knees (yeh yeh yeh),
Can’t recall all their names when ‘ere I please (no no no),
Can’t recall….must have Altzheimers disease (yeh yeh yeh)

CHORUS 3 – THE STONES

Cos we’re all old now,
We’re ancient as hell,
Yes we’re all old,
And jumping Mick Jagger doesn’t look very well.

OUTRO

Jumping Mick Jagger, staggers off, Jumping Mick Jagger, staggers off
(they all stagger off)

 

For those who want/need the sound and lyric of Jumping Jack Flash to enhance their enjoyment – here it is: