Goatee, NewsRevue Lyric, 8 January 1996

One of my most successful songs of all time. There was a sort of goatee beard thing at that time. I exploited it.

(To the Tune of “Swanee”)

I’ve been bare-faced for such a long time,
I never thought I’d grow a beard;
Somehow I feel, so juveneel,
Bristly I long to be.

There’s nothing growing on my neck line,
There’s nothing growing on my lip;
But there’s some thin, hairs on my chin,
Goatee’s, the style for me-ee.


Goatee, how I love you how I love you,
My dear old Goatee.
It makes me look obscene,
Just like those blokes in,
That crap band East 17.
My rabbit has a shaved patch on his back,
That’s shaped like my goatee.
The folks up north think we are all weird,
Cos they prefer their ZZ Top beards.


Fanny, fanny
My beard looks like a fanny;
Bum fluff, bum fluff,
Or a smear on George Michael’s chin.


Goatee, I look grown up, I look grown up,
Now I’ve a goatee.
My balls have not yet dropped,
But there’s this small patch,
On my chin that I’ve not cropped.
My gerbil has an unrequited crush,
On my dear old goatee.
It might be gone once I learn to shave,
But now I’m off to join my rave.

The above lyrics contain a minor revision and were published 29 January 1996. The original version assigned the intro & verses to men, but the middle eight to women. The first couplet of the original middle eight read:

Goatee, Goatee,
Don’t tell me that’s a goatee;

Anyway, it ran and ran in the show. I remember Gerry Goddin in particular saying it was his favourite of mine.

Here is Al Jolson singing Swanee:


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