Closer by Patrick Marber, Cottesloe Theatre, 31 May 1997

No equivocation from us nor the critics on this one. While my “very good” report on many pieces covers a range of satisfaction, for this one I wrote:

One of the very best…

…which is not something I wrote often. I very clearly recall Janie and I walking out after Closer saying “wow” to each other.

Patrick Marber himself directed it and we were skilful/fortunate to see the original cast at the Cottesloe as this production upscaled in the light of rave reviews, multiple awards and huge audiences. We saw Liza Walker, Clive Owen, Ciaran Hinds and Sally Dexter. Here is the Theatricalia entry.

Here are the pick of the reviews.

First up – Charles Spencer in the Telegraph raving about it:

Closer Spencer TelegraphCloser Spencer Telegraph 30 May 1997, Fri The Daily Telegraph (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Michael Billington in The Guardian described it as a triumph and a great play:

Closer Billington GuardianCloser Billington Guardian 31 May 1997, Sat The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

David Bennett in The Independent was perhaps a lone unequivocal voice, who saw it as essential viewing but dangerously autobiographical:

Closer Bennett IndependentCloser Bennett Independent 31 May 1997, Sat The Independent (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Yet Robert Butler the next day in the same paper was very excited about the play/production:

Closer Butler IndyCloser Butler Indy 01 Jun 1997, Sun The Independent (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Janie and I both just so remember that “wow” feeling and still remember this as one of the very best plays/productions we have ever seen.

When You Fall Out With That Widdicombe Woman, Newsrevue Lyric, 28 May 1997

Ann Widdicombe was a high-profile Tory MP back in the 1990s. She did not get on well with the then home secretary and aspiring Tory leader, Michael Howard, if this lyric is to be understood. Writing this up in 2019, she is back in the news as a very Brexity person. 

WHEN YOU FALL OUT WITH THAT WIDDICOMBE WOMAN
(To the Tune of “When You’re In Love With a Beautiful Woman”)

VERSE 1 – MICHAEL HOWARD

When you fall out with that Widdicombe woman, its hard,
When you fall out with that Widdicombe woman, you know it’s hard,
(WIDDICOMBE AS CHORUS: your job is hard, but your knob’s not hard);
Everybody boos me,
No-one will choose me,
Nobody wants me for the top Tory post.

VERSE 2 – HOWARD

When you fall out with that Widdicombe woman, watch your friends,
(WIDDICOMBE AS CHORUS: what’s a friend, you’ve never had a friend);
When you fall out with that Widdicombe woman, it never ends,
(WIDDICOMBE CHORUS: this bloke’s the end, it’s known as Howard’s end);
She says I faked it,
Screwed up at Parkhurst,
{Everybody hangs up when I call on the phone},
{WIDDICOMBE: everybody hangs up when he calls on the phone};
When you hang out with that ghastly old woman, you go it alone.

MIDDLE EIGHT – HOWARD WITH MINY HOWID VOWILS

Maybe its just a legal problem,
People might still rally round my flag;
But they’re fair weather friends,
I’m a faint hearted candidate,
And every time she speaks out,
I want to kill that old bag.

VERSE 3 – WIDDICOMBE

When I speak out on that Parkhurst fiasco, watch his eyes,
(HOWARD: better watch my eyes, don’t want to catch her eye);
When he reposts on that Parkhurst fiasco, you should be looking for lies,
(HOWARD: I never tell a lie, I might save the odd truth for a rainy day);
You know that he’s crazy,
You cannot trust him,
BOTH: There is something of the night in this jerk,

(HOWARD: (aside) That’s why they call her Doris Karloff)

BOTH: Since we fell out with the people of Britain, we’re both out of work.

Below is a video of Dr Hook singing When You’re In Love With A Beautiful Woman with the lyrics on the screen:

Maggie Might, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 May 1997

Soon after Tony Blair became Prime Minister, news broke of him having “secret” meetings with Mrs Thatcher. This lyric for NewsRevue examined the possibilities around such meetings. I’m not sure whether or not it was used. I don’t recall seeing it performed.

MAGGIE MIGHT
(To the Tune of “Maggie May”)

VERSE 1 – BLAIR

Come back Maggie, I think I’ve got something to say to you,
We’re deep in Europe and about to join the EMU;
I’ve got a summer of summits this year, and still have no idea,
Oh Maggie, I can’t stand Leon Brittan’s face.

MIDDLE EIGHT 1 – BLAIR

You led us away from home, you’ve even read The Treaty of Rome,
You sold us out and that’s what really hurts.

VERSE 2 – THATCH/BLAIR

THATCH: All you need now is a mum to lend a helping hand,
THATCH: That damned fool Major did the same with old Jim Callaghan;
BLAIR: I laughed at all of your jokes, like your Tory Cabinet blokes;
THATCH: Those sleaze bags have all gone without a trace.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2 – BLAIR

You led us for donkey’s years, you might allay the worst of my fears,
The Germans think the EMU is world war three;

VERSE 3 – THATCH/BLAIR

THATCH: You should give that ghasty Kohl a mighty gagging,
THATCH: Take me with you and I’ll give Helmut a handbagging;
BLAIR: I’ve listened to the words that you’ve said, think I’d sooner stay at home in bed;
BLAIR: Oh Maggie, I wish I’d never won this job.

MIDDLE EIGHT 3 – BLAIR/THATCH

BLAIR: You’ve made a first class fool out of me,
THATCH: That job was pitifully easy,
BLAIR: Our secret meeting was on every damned front page;
THATCH: You’ve made me look like a prize bender,
THATCH: James Goldsmith’s livid back in his hacienda,
BLAIR: Mandelson and Tony Benn are in a rage.

OUTRO (as they exit)

BLAIR: Same time next week, then, Maggie?
THATCH: Certainly. It was great fun. I’ll bring the whips and amyl nitrate next time.

Below is a video of Rod Stewart singing Maggie May – click here to find the lyriics in the notes below the vid.

That’s Feng-Shui, NewsRevue Lyric, 28 May 1997

I very much regret that no-one saw fit to give this lyric a go in NewsRevue. I know it isn’t exactly topical but feng-shui was all the rage that year.

I probably should have written the lyric with a particular type of plant pointing in a particular direction on my desk. My bad.

THAT’S FENG-SHUI
(To the Tune of “Whip Crack Away”)

IMPORTANT NOTICE: The phrase “Feng-Shui” is pronounced “Feng-shoe-way” (really)
OTHER IMPORTANT NOTICE: This song should only be sung facing North with the stage door at 45 degrees from the nearest staircase

VERSE 1

Well the Feng-Shui craze is at it all over the place,
That ancestor energy thing from the Chinese race;
Replace your bed,
And paint your lounge red;
That’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui.

VERSE 2

Yes the Californians love Feng-Shui’s appliance,
It makes Scientology seem like pure science;
Replace your floor,
And move your front door,
That’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui.

MIDDLE EIGHT

The Chinese are inclined,
To divine,
Where you need a fish tank;
In Hong Kong China lurks,
While the British –
Bank (or wank, take your pick)

VERSE 3

Yes, the Feng-Shui craze is rampant all over the hills,
Even Downing Street should really be rebuilt,
Relight your halls,
With spherical balls;
That’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui.

This craze is all,
Such spherical balls;
That’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui, that’s Feng-Shui.
Crap Feng-Shui!!

Below is Doris Day singing The Deadwood Stage (Whip Crack Away):

Click here to see the lyrics of The Deadwood Stage (Whip Crack Away).

Me And Paula Jones, NewsRevue Lyric, 28 May 1997

This one ran and ran in NewsRevue in the summer of 1997. My log shows that I wrote it in late May.

John Random sent me a note recently (July 2017) mentioning a visit to the show in August 1997 and this lyric, so it felt timely to place this one in cyberspace asap.

Slow numbers don’t often work in NewsRevue, but this one was a surefire winner.

ME AND PAULA JONES
(A solo for Bill Clinton to the Tune of “Me and Mrs Jones”)

VERSE 1

Me and Paula Jones,
We had a thing going on;
I know right from wrong, but I took my dong,
And let it show now.
I showed Paula my mark,
In the trailer park;
(My troopers), my troopers made sure she’d be there;
Holding hands, shaking my growing glands,
As those troopers helped me service my shlong.

VERSE 2

Me-ee a-and Paula, Paula Jones (Paula Jones, Paula Jones, Paula Jones)
We’ve got a case going on;
We both know that it’s long, but she claims I’m wrong,
When I let it show now.
I’ve now gotta be extra careful,
I can’t afford to get my bone up too high,
Cos she has her own litigation,
And so, and so do I

VERSE 3

Me-ee a-and Paula, Paula Jones (Paula Jones, Paula Jones, Paula Jones)
We’ve got a case going on;
We both know that it’s strong, but it’s much too long,
To let it go now.
Now it’s time for us to be courting,
The Supreme Court, the Supreme Court inside;
Now she’ll brief her silk and I’ll brief mine,
Tomorrow we’ll meet, the same court the same time

OUTRO

Me-ee a-and Paula, Paula Jones (Paula Jones, Paula Jones, Paula Jones)
We’ve got a thing going on;
Sax solo voters – I’ve always been extra partial to playing with my sax

(Bill wanders off, playing his sax)

Here is the original video of Billy Paul singing Me and Mrs Jones, which is absolutely cracking! So 1970’s; the fag hanging out of Billy Paul’s mouth is massively symbolic. In any case, although the song has now been so overplayed as to seem a cliché, in truth I still think it is a fabulous song:

David Helfgott In Concert, NewsReview and Actors’ Workshop Lyric, 25 May 1997

David Helfgott was the central subject of an Academy Award-winning docudrama, Shine, which came out around that time. It is a fascinating true story about a concert pianist who struggled with mental illness.

The lyric below is not even faintly politically correct. Nevertheless, it went down really well in NewsRevue and I also recall Mike Ward using it in the Actors’ Workshop New Year Revels in Halifax at the end of that year.

DAVID HELFGOTT IN CONCERT
(To the Tune “All By Myself – Rachmaninov Piano Concerto 2 Mov ii”)

This has tremendous potential for weird piano business if your pianist feels so inclined.

VERSE 1

When I was young, I never needed anyone,
And taking baths were so much fun, filled up with dung;
I lost my mind, but since they made that film called “Shine”,
My strange career is back on line, I’m doing fine.

CHORUS 1

Out of my tree,
I’m totally,
Out of my tree,
Round the bend.
Out of my mind,
Entirely,
Out of my mind,
My wits end.

VERSE 2

I’d had enough, of Chopin and Rachmaninov,
Brahms, Liszt and Rimsky-Korsakov, my brain went duff;
In spite of my flaw, they’ve stuck me on a huge world tour,
All though piano’s not my for-, -te any more;

CHORUS 2

I’m off my head,
I’m thoroughly,
Right off my head,
But I’ll still play;
I’m round the twist,
I’m utterly,
Right round the twist,
But you still pay.

OPTIONAL INSTRUMENTAL OUTRO WITH REPEAT OF CHORUS 2

(opportunity for some piano business which a mere mortal like me couldn’t even contemplate)

 

In case you didn’t realise, Eric Carmen’s song All By Myself uses the theme from the second movement of Rachmaninov’s Second Piano Concerto. Below is a video of Eric Carmen performing All By Myself, all by himself…except for a small army of backing musicians, of course:

Marat/Sade by Peter Weiss, Olivier Theatre, 24 May 1997

Actually the play is titled:

The Persecution and Assassination of Jean-Paul Marat as Performed by the Inmates of the Asylum of Charenton Under the Direction of the Marquis de Sade 

But for reasons of sheer laziness and delinquency amongst the arty classes, the title has been widely abbreviated to Marat/Sade.

Joking apart, we really liked this one. My log reads:

Very good. This was the Olivier “in the round” for renovations.

From memory, this was a reduced size of auditorium but with seating all around the stage, which worked very well for this play.production.

Jeremy Sams directed a fine cast including Anastasia Hille, Corin Redgrave, David Calder, Iain Mitchell and many others. The slightly bare Theatricalia entry can be found here.

Nicholas de Jongh in The Standard hated this production:

Marat Sade de Jongh StandardMarat Sade de Jongh Standard 15 May 1997, Thu Evening Standard (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Paul Taylor in The Independent was more impressed, although he found the production “over-light”:

Marat Sade Taylor IndyMarat Sade Taylor Indy 16 May 1997, Fri The Independent (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Michael Billington, like Paul Taylor, speaks well of the production in The Guardian, but not too well:

Marat Sade Billington GuardianMarat Sade Billington Guardian 15 May 1997, Thu The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Charles Spencer in The Telegraph hated this play/production:

Marat Sade Spencer TelegraphMarat Sade Spencer Telegraph 19 May 1997, Mon The Daily Telegraph (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

But we said “very good” which rather puts a stop to the debate on my Ogblog!

Jack Straw, NewsRevue Lyric, 23 May 1997

When Labour came to power in May 1997, I felt that I should try and give some of the new top team the treatment, but my heart wasn’t really in doing that and they hadn’t really had time to mess anything up…yet.

The attempt at Home Secretary Jack Straw below wasn’t strong enough and understandably didn’t make the cut for NewsRevue.

Makes interesting reading 20+ years later with the benefit of hindsight, though.

JACK STRAW
(To the Tune of “My Name is Jack”)

 

INTRO

My name is Jack and I sit at the back of New Labour’s front bench team;
My friends all rant and posture, while I sit and daydream.
JACK: Yes my name’s Jack, Straw – the team that I back,
Ought to keep home policy as splendid as before;
CHORUS: We all like Jack, but he isn’t exact-
-ly the strongest minister that Britain ever saw. (Whistle refrain)

VERSE 1

There are kids over there, who molest, rob and swear, cos they’ve never had a chance,
So I’m building lots of Borstals, which is such a modern stance;
New Labours rhyme is that we’re tough on crime and the causes of crime too,
So we’ll lock kids up….and lock more up…..what else is there to do?
JACK: Yes my name’s Jack, I’m in charge of the pack,
Who make our youth justice system modern and secure;
CHORUS: We do like Jack but he’s not got much tact,
Like a friendly scarecrow all he has for brains is straw. (Whistles refrain)

VERSE 2

That twit Michael Howard was a terrible coward over Parkhurst’s retribution,
If I were Mike I’d sue the tyke who taught me elocution;
I’m on top of it all so I’m not going to fall for that nasty stuff called sleaze,
In case of doubt, I use my clout and throw away the keys.
JACK: Yes my name’s Jack, I’m appraised of the facts,
Like that Myra Hindley was one of the Guildford Four;
CHORUS: We did like Jack but he’s just got the knack,
Of convincing everyone that he’s some cornflakes short. (Whistles refrain)

VERSE 3

Here comes Brown with his jowls and his frown cos he can’t add up the books,
And here comes Robin Cook who’s not here for his looks;
It’s lots of fun so I’d love to run Britain after Blair,
I say that I’m ambitious, but no-one seems to care.
JACK: Yes my name’s Jack, you should all watch your backs,
I shall rule the country, I’ll be leader, me, Jack Straw;
CHORUS: We did like Jack, but he now seems to lack,
All the marbles that he needs to keep out of Broadmoor.
(Whistling furtively as they seize Jack)
JACK: (spoken) Are you taking me off for my coronation ceremony?
CHORUS: (restraining him, leading him off, spoken) That’s right, Jack. Just stay calm.

Below is a video of Manfred Mann singing My Name Is Jack – click here to also see the lyrics in the notes.

Taliban, NewsRevue Lyric, 22 May 1997

Back in 1997, the Taliban were not that well known and this story about their behaviour towards women was news in the West. Janie thought the story so awful she found it hard to believe that I could try and write a satirical lyric for NewsRevue about it. This lyric didn’t see the light of day until now.

TALIBAN
(To the Tune of “Carrie Anne”)

 

INTRO – CHORUS OF INFIDELS

Do do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do,
Do do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do,
Hey Taliban, hey Taliban.

VERSE 1 – A BEARDED BELIEVER (POSSIBLY A FEMALE CAST MEMBER)

In Afghanistan our laws are simple,
Men are the warriors, Women are all indoors;
New Shariah courts enforce this curfew,
What’s the attraction in what we’re doing?

CHORUS 1

INFIDELS: Hey Taliban, What’s your game now, Can anybody pray?
BELIEVER: Afghanistan, Let’s face east now, And everybody pray.

VERSE 2 – AN INFIDEL

You were always something special to me,
I got my bone up, You got all stoned up;
I attend the public executions,
Where are our women disappearing?

CHORUS 2

INFIDELS: Hey Taliban, What’s your game now, Can anybody pray?
BELIEVER: Afghanistan, Cover up now, And never show your face.

MIDDLE EIGHT – INFIDELS

(Examining the bearded believer)
You’re so, so unlike a woman to me (unlike a woman to me),
You’re so, so unlike a woman to me (unlike a woman to me).

CHORUS 3

INFIDELS: Hey Taliban, close your girls schools, and hide your girls away?
INFIDELS: Afghanistan, you thought Russia, took liberties away.

OUTRO

ALL: Taliban, be a man, if you can, while Afghan, is Taliban!!

Below is The Hollies performing Carrie Anne:

Click this link to read the lyrics to Carrie Anne.

My Cherie Earns More, NewsRevue Lyric, 22 May 1997

May 1997 saw a landslide victory for New Labour in the general election, which changed the political landscape and also, of course, the satirical landscape too. 

Like many NewsRevue writers, I found it harder to satirise a relatively young, fresh bunch of leaders who were elected in a mood of renewed hope and promised change.

This was my first post 1997 election effort and it ran and ran in the show. I still think it is one of my better efforts.

Just in case any readers are unaware, Tony Blair was the newly elected prime minister at that time. His wife, Cherie Blair (aka Cherie Booth) a highly-successful barrister and latterly QC. 

MY CHERIE EARNS MORE
(To the Tune of “My Cherie Amour”)

INTRO

La la la, la la la;
La la la, la la-la la;

VERSE 1 – TONY

My Cherie earns more,
More than I earn as PM;
My Cherie earns more,
More than all of you could spend;
My Cherie earns more,
Because she is a leading “barristor”;
I am on the right side of the law,
But how I wish she wouldn’t smile.

VERSE 2 – CHERIE

(Cherie smiles as best she can)
In the High Court,
Donning my full robe and wig;
Not a nice thought,
But at least my pay cheque will be big;
Cos Cherie earns more,
Than Tony ever could when he did law,
That’s why he’s the mere Prime “Ministor”,
I can run the show meanwhile.

OUTRO

TONY: Cherie my darling. Who sent you those flowers at six in the morning?
CHERIE: (smiling as best she can) Mind your own fucking business and keep smiling.

Also a 22 July 1997 update version:

MY CHERIE EARNS MORE – BIG HAIR VERSION
(To the Tune of “My Cherie Amour”)

INTRO

La la la, la la la;
La la la, la la-la la;

VERSE 1 – TONY

My Cherie earns more,
More than I earn as PM;
My Cherie earns more,
More than all of you could spend;
My Cherie earns more,
Because she is a leading “barristor”;
I am on the right side of the law,
But how I wish she wouldn’t smile.

VERSE 2 – CHERIE

(Cherie smiles as best she can)
In the High Court,
With my two grand hair cut and white wig;
Not a nice thought,
But at least my pay cheque will be big;
Cos Cherie earns more,
Than Tony ever could when he did law,
That’s why he’s the mere Prime “Ministor”,
I can run the show meanwhile.

OUTRO

TONY: Cherie my darling. Who sent you those flowers at six in the morning?
CHERIE: (smiling as best she can) Mind your own fucking business and keep smiling.
TONY: But Cherie, my sweet. Did you really spend two grand on that haircut?
CHERIE: When you start earning some decent money you can start making some of the purchasing decisions.

Cherie Blair Allan Warren

The following video plays Stevie Wonder singing My Cherie Amour: