Windows, A Lyric For Charles And Mike, 29 June 1998

Image produced in collaboration with Dall-E

In honour of Charley “The Gent Malloy” Bartlett’s impending visit to Lord’s today (as I write on 21 April 2017) I was reminded of the following lyric.

It is one of the very last I wrote using Amipro and therefore part of the batch I am trying to rescue onto Ogblog before my old computer passes away…

…and the subject matter, ironically, is IT. I wrote this (and several others for The Children’s Society Windows Rollout team) ahead of a team end of project session at Wadderton.

The project parodied in the song was sensibly written up in a seminal piece by me and Charles for the charity press (NGO Finance) a few months later – click here if you want to know about it.

Charles likes a bit of metal – both the IT and musical variety, so the choice of tune was, I think, a good one. I wonder what Charles will think of this well-geeky lyric nearly 20 years on?

PLANNING A ROLLOUT OF WINDOWS
(Epic To the Tune of “Stairway To Heaven”)
VERSE 1

There’s a fellow whose mode-,
-em is not Dacom Gold,
And the name of that bloke is Charles Bartlett;
When he breaks wind you’ll know,
As the windows are closed,
If that noise was a burp or a fartlett.
Mmmmmmmm, mmmmmmmmm,
And he’s planning a rollout of Windows.

VERSE 2

There’s a sign on the door,
Cos he wants to be sure,
And the sign reads “IT room, no entry”;
I suspect that the room’s,
Got NS Optimum’s,
Entire stock ’til the end of the century.
Ooooooooooh, it makes me wonder.
Ooooooooooh, it makes me wonder.

VERSE 3

There’s a feeling I get,
When I call the helpdesk,
That they and Z/Yen are drinking Bacardi;
I get fine, rum advice,
‘Tho’ they ask in a trice,
Tony Duggan or Michael Bernardi.
Ooooooooooh, it makes me wonder.
Ooooooooooh, and it makes me wonder.

VERSE 4

And it’s whispered that soon,
Yes by the end of June,
TCS will have rolled out completely;
ITSOs and Marion,
Will still carry on,
FMI Windows training discretely.

VERSE 5

If there’s a gremlin in your Windows,
Don’t be alarmed now,
It’s just a browser from Bill Gates;
Yes there are two paths you can go by,
But in the long run,
He’ll make you buy Windows 98.
Ooooooooh, that’s how he’s made his fortune.

VERSE 6

Your modem’s humming but you don’t know,
Because it’s so slow,
If you’ve got e-mail or been forsook;
Perhaps the server’s full of e-trash,
Or had a head crash,
Or just can’t load Microsoft Outlook.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(AIR GUITAR BREAK)

VERSE 7

Charles and Mike Smith have bought the road,
I’m talking Tottenham Court Road;
Up walks the lady we all know (“watcha Mangal”),
Whose eyes light up to say “hello,
What have you guys bought from the stores?
We have to budget very hard,
None of that corporate charge card,
This recent rollout really shows, (yeh)
That Windows costs a lot of dough.”

OUTRO – MIKE AND CHARLES’ REPLY

“We were buying some spares and cheap modems”.

Here is Led Zeppelin singing Stairway To Heaven with the lyrics shown on screen. I can do a passable Stairway on the baritone ukulele, btw, but I’m not expecting Chas to ask for a performance. Mike Smith, on the other hand, might insist upon it…

Outside On The Street by Wolfgang Borchert, Gate Theatre, 27 June 1998

By gosh was I pleased when I learnt that my local, The Gate Theatre in Notting Hill, was to put on this play. Some years earlier, I had bought a book of European plays in translation and had read this play, along with some narrative about it, with a mixture of fascination and wonderment. Part of my wonderment was thinking about how on earth the play might be performed, but I suspected at the time that I would never see the piece in production.

Unlike my “how on earth might this play be performed?” musings, it worked remarkably well in this imaginative production in the Gate’s small-scale, theatre-above-a-pub environment. The Gate has reliably been extremely good at doing this sort of thing over the years.

Superb…

…was my single word verdict, which summed it up for both me and Janie.

Our friend, Michael Billington, gave a similar verdict in The Guardian, lauding performers Sean Gallagher and Jenny Quayle, plus translator Thomas Fisher in particular:

Billington Guardian OutsideBillington Guardian Outside 18 Jun 1998, Thu The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Susannah Clapp gave it a glowing and quite lengthy review in the Observer, especially praising the director, Gordon Anderson and the designer, Jane Singleton:

Clapp Observer Outside 1 of 2Clapp Observer Outside 1 of 2 21 Jun 1998, Sun The Observer (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com Clapp Observer Outside 2 of 2Clapp Observer Outside 2 of 2 21 Jun 1998, Sun The Observer (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Nick Curtis in the Standard, on the other hand, found it all far too bleak for his liking:

Curtis Standard OutsideCurtis Standard Outside 18 Jun 1998, Thu Evening Standard (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

While John Gross gave it a short but sweet review in The Sunday Telegraph:

Gross Sunday telegraph OutsideGross Sunday telegraph Outside 28 Jun 1998, Sun Sunday Telegraph (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

A Long Weekend In Stratford-Upon-Avon & Hay-On-Wye, Including Trips To The Walnut Tree & Le Manoir Aux Quat’Saisons, 19 to 22 June 1998

Stratford-Upon-Avon picture by ianpudsey, CC BY 3.0 Wikimedia Commons

Let’s just say that we wouldn’t now (writing 25 years later) attempt quite such a full itinerary for a Friday through Monday long weekend jaunt. Three plays at Stratford, a motorised hike to the Welsh Borders for lunch at The Walnut Tree before going on to Hay-On-Wye for some overnight- second-hand-book-buying on my part before stopping off for a long lunch at Raymond Blanc’s place (Le Manoir aux Quat’Saisons) in Oxfordshire and then home. 

I think we stayed in the Shakespeare for this trip. Janie booked it but only wrote down “Twelfth Night Room £115 per night” which I suspect in those days was a suite or certainly a superior room. 

One of the nights (I think the Saturday) we ate at Desport’s, an attempt at modern fusion dining in Stratford-Upon-Avon that was perhaps ahead of its time there. The other night I think we simply took the after theatre offering at The Shakespeare.

I have written up the three plays thusly:

The RSC does far less modern material at Stratford these days (he says 25 years later), which is one of the main reasons why we go there far less frequently now.

On the Sunday morning, we drove on to Abergavenny. One of Janie’s clients had recommended The Walnut Tree Inn, with very good reason – we had a magnificent Sunday lunch there. It seems that the place didn’t have a Michelin Star yet when we visited, but it was certainly star-standard food and service. It has had a chequered history in-between times, improving and then losing its reputation, but in more recent years it seems to be doing extremely well. We’re glad.

Philip Halling / The Walnut Tree Inn

Then on to Hay-On-Wye, where we stayed at my favourite stop-over place there – The Old Black Lion. I recall buying rather a lot of second-hand books at relatively high speed – some late afternoon/early evening on the Sunday, and then more first thing in the morning Monday. I think this was the trip upon which I found a pristine copy of The Boundary Book in a most unlikely place, something I had been seeking for several years. These days such things are not so hard to find while simply sitting on your backside, although my copy with the original bat-shaped cardboard book mark on a piece of ribbon is possibly still a rare find.

We had allowed more than two hours to get from the Welsh Borders to Le Manoir Aux Quat’Saisons, but should have allowed far longer for a cross-country narrow road hike on a Monday – lots of slow-moving rural vehicles with no chance of overtaking for miles. Janie phoned in to say that we would be at leats half-an-hour late for our 13:30 booking and was told that technically they take last roders at 14:00 but they would be flexible on that as long as we arrived soon after two…which we did.

Le Manoir Aux Quat’Saisons cpchannel, CC BY 2.0 Wikimedia Commons

It was a beautiful day and Raymond Blanc himself came out to greet us soon after we arrived, telling us with great charm that he had heard that we had experienced a difficult journey but that we should be sure to relax and enjoy our lunch at leisure. Fabulous food. Possibly the first time I had spent quite so much money on a single meal (£260, when that amount was real money), despite the fact that we only had a glass of wine each. An absolutely wonderful and unforgettable experience.

Here’s a link to the website for the place in its 2023 incarnation. Raymond Blanc is still there, in name although possibly not quite so hands-on any more.

Acquiring The Boundary Book In Hay-On-Wye, Probably 21 June 1998

25 years ago, I got very excited when I scored a rare (or relatively rare) book in a second hand bookshop. Latterly, if I want such a book I sit on my backside for a few minutes, possibly only a few moments, find the book on-line, part company with my money and wait for the nice delivery person to bring the book to my door.

Back then, I made occasional trips to Hay-On-Wye and kept lists of books that I particularly wanted.

One such book was the original Boundary Book – a collection of essays about cricket from 1961. Not the oft-found “Second Innings” Boundary Book – also produced as a Lord’s Taverners fundraising machine – I acquired a copy of that easily enough and would always see multiple copies of that one in the Hay-On-Wye shops. It was the “hard to find” original I wanted.

I’m pretty sure I found it on this trip to Hay-On-Wye (along with several other places):

I particularly remember the unlikely circumstance in which I found the book. Not in any of the shops that had decent sports/cricket sections (where I was repeatedly told that the original Boundary Book was hard to find), but in a small, generalist bookshop that had caught my eye for some other reason. I asked, almost as an afterthought, if they had any cricket books. “Possibly”, I was told, “there’s just a shelf or two of sports books over there”.

There, on one of those sparse shelves, was my long-sought-after book. Not only a copy, but a copy in excellent condition, with the dust jacket in well preserved order and even the original cricket bat bookmark on a piece of ribbon. £3. I thought about it for a fraction of a second and eagerly bought the book. “Ah, you found a cricket book”, said the shopkeeper. “Believe it or not, I found the very one I was looking for”, said I. He smiled, probably thinking I was just being polite…or trying to be funny.

I didn’t really know what I would find in the original Boundary Book – other than a collection of essays written just before I was born. But for some years I had longed to satisfy that archetypal book-lover’s quest, to track down a particular desired book. In any case, I had the sense that some of the best essays that Lesley Frewin gathered for his charity fundraising cricket books project over the years will have been in the first of those books…and I was right about that. There are many truly excellent essays in that original Boundary Book.

One essay in particular was to have a profound effect on me and my future following of cricket – an essay by Stephen Potter (the One-Upmanship fellow), called Lord’smanship.

It was that essay, in which Potter confesses to being a member of Middlesex CCC (MCCC) but not a member of Marylebone Cricket Club (MCC), that caused me to plan to join Middlesex as a life member on my fortieth birthday, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Now I am a life member of both MCCC and the MCC. But I still like Bach and I still have a beard and I suspect that the sound I would emit saying “MCCC” would still be indistinguishable from “MCC”, especially if I were to say it after two or three G&Ts.

Goodnight Children Everywhere by Richard Nelson, The Other Place, 20 June 1998

Very good…

…was my conclusion on this one.

Janie and I were partial to a bit of Richard Nelson at that time – the RSC put on several of his works in the late 1990s.

We saw this one as part of an extraordinary whistle-stop long weekend which took in three plays at Stratford (this the third of them), a motorised hike to the Welsh Borders for lunch at The Walnut Tree before going on to Hay-On-Wye for some overnight- second-hand-book-buying on my part before stopping off for a long lunch at Raymond Blanc’s place (Le Manoir aux Quat’Saisons) in Oxfordshire and then home. Friday to Monday. The other bits have been written up separately from this piece – click here or below.

I think we stayed in the Shakespeare for this trip. Janie booked it but only wrote down “Twelfth Night Room £115 per night” which I suspect in those days was a suite or certainly a superior room. I did the rest of the trip, including The Old Black Lion in Hay.

I guess the RSC was on a nostalgia-trip for its older audience at that time, with Talk Of the City at The Swan about the cloud of Nazism and this one at The Other Place set just after the Second World War.

Excellent cast, as you’d expect from the RSC. Catheryn Bradshaw, Sara Markland, Robin Weaver and Simon Scadifield to name but a few. Here is a link to the Theatricalia entry.

Charles Spencer didn’t like the play, but it did pick up an Olivier award so what does he know?

Spencer Telegraph GoodnightSpencer Telegraph Goodnight 11 Dec 1997, Thu The Daily Telegraph (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Nicholas de Jongh absolutely hated the play. But it did pick up an Olivier Award so what does he know?

de Jongh Standard Goodnightde Jongh Standard Goodnight 10 Dec 1997, Wed Evening Standard (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Richard Edmonds in The Birmingham Post loved it:

Birmingham Post Edmonds GoodnightBirmingham Post Edmonds Goodnight 12 Dec 1997, Fri The Birmingham Post (Birmingham, West Midlands, England) Newspapers.com

Talk Of the City by Stephen Poliakoff, Swan Theatre, 20 June 1998

Good, but not his best…

…was my log note for this one. “His” referring to Stephen Poliakoff, whose best I rate very highly.

Janie and I saw this one as part of an extraordinary whistle-stop long weekend which took in three plays at Stratford (this the second of the three), a motorised hike to the Welsh Borders for lunch at The Walnut Tree before going on to Hay-On-Wye for some overnight- second-hand-book-buying on my part before stopping off for a long lunch at Raymond Blanc’s place (Le Manoir aux Quat’Saisons) in Oxfordshire and then home. Friday to Monday. The other bits have been written up separately from this piece – click here or below.

I think we stayed in the Shakespeare for this trip. Janie booked it but only wrote down “Twelfth Night Room £115 per night” which I suspect in those days was a suite or certainly a superior room. I did the rest of the trip, including The Old Black Lion in Hay.

As for Talk Of the City, Poliakoff directed this one himself, if I recall correctly, which I think might have been (and often is) a minor mistake – i.e. playwrights, even if superb directors, can usually do with an external eye as director on their own works.

Great cast, including David Westhead, John Normington, Sian Reeves and a young Dominic Rowan. Here’s a link to the Theatricalia entry for this one.

Charles Spencer thought the play a muddle:

Spencer Telegraph TalkSpencer Telegraph Talk 01 May 1998, Fri The Daily Telegraph (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Nicholas de Jongh didn’t much like it either:

30 Apr 1998, Thu Evening Standard (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Bad Weather by Robert Holman, The Other Place, 19 June 1998

Superb…

…was our verdict on this one.

We saw this one as part of an extraordinary whistle-stop long weekend which took in three plays at Stratford (this the first of them), a motorised hike to the Welsh Borders for lunch at The Walnut Tree before going on to Hay-On-Wye for some overnight- second-hand-book-buying on my part before stopping off for a long lunch at Raymond Blanc’s place (Le Manoir aux Quat’Saisons) in Oxfordshire and then home. Friday to Monday. The other bits have been written up separately from this piece – click here or below:

I think we stayed in the Shakespeare for this trip. Janie booked it but only wrote down “Twelfth Night Room £115 per night” which I suspect in those days was a suite or certainly a superior room. I looked after most of the rest of the trip, including The Old Black Lion in Hay and Le Manoir.

Fabulous cast for Bad Weather – Emma Handy, Paul Popplewell, Ryan Pope, Susan Brown, Barry Stanton & Susan Engel, directed by Steven Pimlott. Here is a link to the Theatricalia entry for this one.

Nick Curtis in The Standard liked it:

Curtis Standard WeatherCurtis Standard Weather 11 May 1998, Mon Evening Standard (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Our friend, Michael Billington, liked the performances more than the play:

Billington Guardian WeatherBillington Guardian Weather 09 May 1998, Sat The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Whereas Richard Edmonds in The Birmingham Post loved the piece and the performances:

Edmonds Brum Post WeatherEdmonds Brum Post Weather 09 May 1998, Sat The Birmingham Post (Birmingham, West Midlands, England) Newspapers.com

A Kind Of Alaska, The Collection, The Lover by Harold Pinter, Donmar Warehouse, 13 June 1998

This was one heck of a good evening at the theatre. A triple-bill of Pinter. I think it was Janie’s and my first visit to the Donmar Warehouse, not least judging by the detailed notes Janie wrote down while booking this, including the full address etc.

Janie paid £15 a ticket for Row C centre stalls. Not bad to say the least, even if £15 was real money in 1998. In those days, the Donmar was still regarded (and priced) as fringe. Janie noted the following timings:

  • A Kind Of Alaska 7.00 to 7.50;
  • Interval 25 minutes;
  • The Collection 8.15 to 9.10;
  • Interval 25 minutes;
  • The Lover 9.30 to 10.25.

What a cast…or should I say, what casts – as this triple bill had a separate cast for the first play and then one cast for both the second and third.

A Kind of Alaska starred Penelope Wilton, Bill Nighy & Brid Brennan.

The Collection starred Harold himself (always good value as an actor as well as a playwright & director), Douglas Hodge, Lia Williams & Colin McFarlane. The latter three also starred in the Lover.

We thought all three plays excellent and the whole production top notch.

Nicholas de Jongh in The Standard only really liked the first play:

de Jongh Standard Pintersde Jongh Standard Pinters 14 May 1998, Thu Evening Standard (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Our friend Michael Billington clearly liked all three, although he did share de Jongh’s view that three Pinters in one night was possibly a Pinter too many:

Billington Guardian PintersBillington Guardian Pinters 14 May 1998, Thu The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Charles Spencer also deemed three to be one too many, but unlike de Jongh, Spencer didn’t like the first and did like the other two:

Spencer Telegraph PintersSpencer Telegraph Pinters 15 May 1998, Fri The Daily Telegraph (London, Greater London, England) Newspapers.com

Oh well. We were happy.

A Day Out With Charlie (& Family?), London Planetarium Plus, 6 June 1998

In truth I remember little about this day out in London.

Charlotte, who was about 12 at the time, might remember it a whole lot better. I’m not sure that Phillie & Tony were with us for the outing, although I’m pretty sure that Phillie, if not both of them, joined us at least for the meal at Good Earth in the evening. Both my diary and Janie’s diary describe the outing as “Charlie”.

The London Planetarium was clearly something that Charlie was keen to see, so see it we did. Janie’s diary is full of copious notes booking the place up and arranging to park in Chiltern Street.

After that, the trail gets murky. Janie was clearly considering Planet Hollywood or The Fashion Cafe for an in-between stop off, but I have a funny feeling we ended up in Madam Tussaud’s, which came as part of the deal with the Planetarium. Possibly we snacked there (or at the Planetarium) for lunch, especially as we had a dinner booked.

I think I might remember having been at the Fashion cafe, especially if all of them supermodels were hanging around in there, as implied by this write up. I did used to see Claudia Schiffer in Moscow Road occasionally in those days – I think she had a pied-à-terre around there. But I digress.

I’m pretty sure it was the Knightsbridge incarnation of The Good Earth that we tried that evening and jolly good food it was too.

Update: Yes Charlie does indeed remember more than us!

Charlie writes:

Wow, Ian, thank you for sending me that diary reminder from 1998. I remember it so well…even to the extent of Janie doing my hair in an ‘on the side’ ponytail and me wearing a hideous luminous yellow jumper 🤢

It was a wonderful weekend; we did Planetarium and M Tussauds followed by lunch at Fashion Cafe. I’m not sure mum did join us for dinner in the evening as I have a memory of going to tennis with you both on the Sunday and me having a tennis coach. I think you both also bought me some Speedo swimming costumes?!!!!!!!

So we did go to the Fashion Cafe, but I guess the supermodels weren’t there that day. Still, it’s just as well we went when we did, because the Fashion Cafe apparently opened in London in 1998 and went bust in 1999! The global story is of an even more spectacular failure.

The tennis coach would have been Jeremy or Shola, probably the latter, at Lammas Park in those days. It was Shola who introduced me and Janie to Boston Manor.

Do Keep Up!

Guest Piece by Nigel Hinks: The Birth Of The Heavy Rollers Tradition, Edgbaston, June 1998, Including The Revelations And Acts That Led To The Birth

2023 marks the 25th anniversary of the very first Heavy Rollers day watching cricket – on 4 June 1998 – when Nigel “Father Barry” Hinks, Charles “Charley The Gent Malloy” Bartlett, “Big Papa Zambezi” Jeff Tye, David “David Peel” Steed & Paul “Fifth Beatle” Griffiths witnessed the first day of the test series between England & South Africa at Edgbaston.
In this guest piece, Nigel reflects on the tradition that started that day and the events that led to its birth. Questions such as “How did we get here?” and “Why curtains?” I add to the piece with theological and ethnomethodological interpretations of Nigel’s epiphany, plus, more importantly, some pictures and cricket links.
My initiation into the tradition itself was the following year, 1999 – you may see a write up of that occasion by clicking here or the link below.

The Heavy Rollers Tradition

A quarter of a century ago an early gathering of cricket enthusiasts assembled before a more buoyant South African touring side than exists currently. The tight group of participants applauded the carefully negotiated seating, oblivious to the fact that this would one day swell to eleven; the perfect accommodation arrangements (courtesy of The Children’s Society’s residential training centre) and the prospect of emergent friendships, forged through shared cricketing passions.


‘Yard’ cricket games would take place in one garden adjacent to a severe slope that would once take down Charley when in ever- increasing pursuit of a forward defensive gaining pace down the hill; and within public spaces that would entice inner-city youths to “come and have a go” in the best possible tradition. Indoor nets alongside the real thing have even been secured. No one could forget the pre-Ashes game in the garden fashioned from a farmer’s field by Big Jeff, where a surprise-addition associate walked-off with both of the tacky commemorative trophies.


Nobody could have predicted the longevity of this annual pursuit. When the familiar, and sometimes less so, would gleefully reconvene. Life’s troubles, work stresses were forgotten immediately insults, and warm greetings, began to be exchanged.


The crucial purchasing of tickets has been handed on baton-like, never once dropped until the best seats are secured. The catering responsibilities likewise, although the standards set by Mrs Malloy remain beyond any imitation, with personally labelled sandwiches for the fussy and egg-phobic in colour-coded wrapping.

Or, indeed, how this creation would withstand the accusations of elitism, vain efforts by senior personnel to muscle-in on the action, the eventual disintegration of our prized accommodation and, more poignantly, the redundancy of several Rollers.

Such was the strength, and singularity of purpose, as these cricket-friends, undeterred by adversity, toured a variety of alternative venues, some appalling and others more convivial (See links to pieces referencing Harborne Hall and The Hotel from Hell).

Beechwood Hotel Latterly Renamed But Seemingly neither Refurbished nor Reopened

Second generation Rollers have been initiated, along with some of their mates, with one or two notable “one-hit wonders” who came and went. Other respected Associates were also invited to make repeat appearances.

That First Day Of Heavy Rollers At The Cricket: 4 June 1998

Memories fade. The 1998 Heavy Rollers day is the least documented and most temporally remote, nearly 25 years later. Yet the cast of characters (five) was documented many years ago, in 2012, during our rain -ruined sojourn. The following snippets emerge from me (Ian) interviewing Nigel.

The tradition of most rollers staying overnight at Wadderton and dining together the night before the match would have been initiated. Only Paul “Fifth Beatle” Griffiths simply joined the Heavy Rollers at the ground on the day (legend has it arriving late and leaving early).

Jeff Tye’s prediction betting game was there, at least in embryonic form. Paul struggled to engage with the game realistically, either because he really had no idea how a test match day tends to pan out or perhaps as an act of rebellion against the game. But everyone else participated as best they could.

David Steed will have made a superb picnic, much like the one depicted alongside the headline of the 1999 Heavy Rollers piece (the photo actually showing David’s splendid 2003 spread). David’s picnic – in particular the wine – would no doubt have triggered the traditional Sneed snooze.

Nigel – reflecting at Wadderton, 2003 – photo by Charles

Indeed, the post-lunch wooziness that affected all Heavy Rollers who chose to imbibe might well have induced a reflective phase in Nigel’s mind. “How did we get here? What sequence of events has led to this glorious day at the cricket with friends? What might it all mean?”

The answers to those tricky questions will lead us down many thought paths and to several prior events. But if I am to deconstruct Nigel’s answer to one word, that word is “curtains”.

How A Search For Curtains Revealed The Inner Truth Of Nigel’s Faith In Cricket, January 1995

DALL-E 2 imagining: “curtains of fine woven linen and blue, purple, and scarlet thread; with artistic designs of cherubim”

On the Monday [5th day] of that January 1995 Adelaide Test, I had decided to take a little time out of the cricket to-and-froing underway at the Adelaide Oval. I had already witnessed Mike Gatting’s retirement after his final Test century, and five-ball duck; a moody Glen McGrath when not selected; Craig McDermott’s late entry after the previous evening’s dodgy crocodile dinner; plus, together with Geoff, my scouse-Aussie mate, a forceful exchange of views about Mike Atherton’s captaincy credentials with the late Tony Greig, by the wheelie-bins.

Thus I sought solace in my host’s offer…..to go shopping…..for bedroom curtains.


What possessed this decision to accompany Mercedes (Geoff’s wife), a delightful Spanish-Aussie, to buy curtains from a low-budget retail outlet in the port area of the City, will remain a mystery.

It has been suggested that accompanying Mercedes was an ideal antidote to Greg Blewett’s maiden century on debut, and 40 degree centigrade temperatures. But, curtains? For goodness sake.


The curtain spotting excursion was progressing as only these things can, until Geoff, my Scouse-Aussie mate, managed to convey (via one of those new-fangled mobile phones) something of the excitement now unfolding [at the Adelaide Oval] that would make any further curtain exploration instantly less appealing. In fairness Geoff had consistently eschewed the idea of curtain shopping and was now fully vindicated.

He made it known that we had to get to the Oval asap, as Phil De Freitas was in the process of doing something far more attention-worthy than the selection of a durable, mid-priced fabric for a teen’s [Geoff & Mercedes daughter, Carmen’s, to be specific] bedroom. Consequently, following the De Freitas wonder-knock, and equally memorable bowling from Chris Lewis and Devon Malcolm, England secured what was once a very unlikely victory.


It is here that the gossamer-thin, embryonic conception that would eventually create the Heavy Rollers begins to emerge. It was in the post match euphoria, just after David Gower added his signature to that of former captains, M J Atherton and……D A Reeve, that I promised myself that I would be witness to [at least part of] all further Ashes series when back home. To do so with cricket loving colleagues and friends would be my ambition, but just how to make it a reality didn’t yet enter my thoughts; it was still just a dream.

The Adelaide Oval some 10 years later
Interviewing Nigel some 28 years after the exciting events of the 1994/95 4th Ashes Test at the Adelaide Oval, it was clear that none of the sense of euphoria from that day has departed Nigel’s soul. It was one of those life-affirming, never-to-be-forgotten memories that remains vivid for Nigel – it was a cricket epiphany.
I have investigated Biblical references to curtains to try and understand the profound meaning of this particular epiphany. In Exodus 26, the curtains for the Tabernacle are specified in some detail.

“Moreover you shall make the tabernacle with ten curtains of fine woven linen and blue, purple, and scarlet thread; with artistic designs of cherubim you shall weave them. The length of each curtain…”

Intriguingly the very first thing that God specifies for the building of the Tabernacle is the curtains. Personally I’d start with the structural stuff, but then I couldn’t create much in six days, let alone the entire universe and all that is in it, so what do I know?
Emanuel Swedenborg believed that the significance of the “curtains” in that Exodus 26 passage is the interior truths of faith. Thus it was fitting that Nigel went in search of curtains on the morning of the 5th day of that 4th Test at Adelaide, when his faith in cricket was failing him; yet also the very day when, just a few hours later, the interior truths of his cricketing faith were revealed to him.
On the other hand, for all we know, poor Carmen – Geoff and Mercedes daughter – might never have been bought the promised curtains. Nigel neither knows nor cares whether the aborted shopping trip was ever rescheduled. Carmen’s side of this story, a sorry tale of teenage disappointment at the hands of her parents and their visitor, might be intriguing in all sorts of ways.

Here is a link to the 1994/95 4th Ashes Test at Adelaide scorecard.

Below is a 24 minute highlights package.

The Day Nigel Delivered On the First Bit Of His Self-Promise: Day One Of The 1997 Ashes, Edgbaston, 5 June 1997

A different England v Australia Day At Edgbaston around that time

The groundworks were to be dug still further in June 1997 when I made my introduction with Charley at the residential training centre [Wadderton], the venue for future Heavy Roller gatherings.

I was buoyant, if rather red-nosed, after the first day of play
at Edgbaston, when Australia had been bowled out for just 118. An exciting Test was now in motion, despite a threatened Aussie comeback with the ball.

Charley became instantly engaged with the recall, having regularly checked progress throughout the day. Devon Malcolm’s tumbling catch in the outfield to end a spirited Shane Warne fight back was specifically relived but well clear of the infamous hill-end that would claim Charley in years to come. There was still time to describe the standing rendition of D-I-S-C-O by those occupying the seats in front after every boundary.


This very first meeting with Charley, who was staying over for a more mundane work matter, led to the beginnings of a plan for the following year. We vowed to return, possibly with other enthusiasts, for the Edgbaston Test match. I confess to wondering if this expressed enthusiasm was going to be akin to a brief holiday romance, where numbers are exchanged but never acted upon.

However, Charley was true to his declaration. He was definitely up for it when it was time for me to start phoning Edgbaston ticket office for the following year’s fixture.

(Those were the distant days when phone calls to real people at places like Edgbaston’s ticket office were still possible). I secured a handful of excellent tickets. I then approached Big Jeff who was an immediate selection, as was David Steed, who managed Wadderton.

Intriguingly, I had never previously realised that Nigel met Charles for the first time, in the summer of 1997, a few weeks before I met him. It was truly fortuitous that they met in that context at Wadderton on the evening of Nigel’s return from the cricket. It really is conceivable that the Heavy Rollers might never have happened had it not been for the combined enthusiasm of Nigel and Charles seeing through on that 1997 promise to make the idea of a cricket gathering at the Edgbaston test in 1998 a reality.

Here is the scorecard for the 1997 1st Ashes Test at Edgbaston.

Below is a highlights reel for the first day of that match:

Returning To England v South Africa At Edgbaston, June 1998 And Its Aftermath

Here is a link to the scorecard from that 1998 England v South Africa test match at Edgbaston.

That whole 1998 test series was extraordinary. Here is a highlights reel for the whole series.

There would be scope for others to participate. Could there possibly be like-minded enthusiasts about? That idea following Adelaide ’95 was slowly becoming a reality it seemed.

Indeed, it was only a few weeks after that very first heavy rollers event that my “field trip” with Jeff brought me into the fold for the following year and the ensuing decades – click here or below.

As Nigel summarises it:

Such was the unqualified success of this ‘first’ episode. Despite
there being no presumption of repetition, it duly was and other stalwart Rollers were snapped up (Ian “Ged Ladd” Harris, Harish “Harsha Goble” Gohil, Nick “The Boy Malloy” Bartlett, Dan “Dan Peel” Steed) to provide illustrious and valued membership, some to this day.