Category: Writing (my writing)

Posy Band, NewsRevue Lyric, 17 April 1995

I don’t think this got used much, if at all. Slow ones need to be so spot on, as the laughs still need to come fast enough.

Good lyric, though, worth the read at least for a few of the lines. Talking of “read”, the line about Lou Reed’s demise is far more topical now (2017) than it was in 1995.

POSY BAND
(To the Tune of “Perfect Day”)

VERSE 1

Just a posy band,
They’re known as Duran Duran,
Just like Barbarella’s man,
In that flick.
Such a posy band,
They wear New Romantic shoes,
Gauche tunics and weird hairdos,
Makes us sick.

CHORUS 1

Cos they’re a pretentious band,
We thought at last they had gone;
Bog off Duran Duran,
With that git Simon Le Bon,
Don’t you hate that Simon Le Bon,

VERSE 2

Just a pompous band,
How come they are still at large?
It’s years since we’ve seen Visage,
Or Japan.
Such a painful band,
Should’ve died out like Frankie Valli,
More stuck up than Spandau Ballet,
That Duran (Duran).

CHORUS 2

And it’s such a putrid disk,
Sung without zeal really slow;
It’s an appalling disk,
With a ghastly video,
Don’t you wish those arseholes would go.

OUTRO

You’ll make Lou Reed turn in his grave;
(GIT 1: I didn’t realise Lou Reed was dead.)
(GIT 2: Well, effectively dead.)
(GIT 3: Is now.)
You’ll make Lou Reed turn in his grave.

Here is Lou Reed rendering the wonderful song, Perfect Day, with lyrics in the description:

BBC, Lyric Intended For NewsRevue, 4 April 1995

I didn’t have a television set between 1990 and 1999, so I probably wasn’t the most suitable person to write a critique lyric on the BBC.

There are one or two good ideas in there, not least the muddle you can get into when trying to be even-handed, but it’s unsurprising that this lyric was, as far as I know, never used.

Bits could be recycled still, though…

BBC
(To the Tune of “ABC”)

VERSE 1

Do, do, do, do-do-do, do, do, do, do-do-do,
We pissed off Mr Aitken,
Which we’ve never, never done before;
We simply said that he’s paid by Mr Al Fayed,
And he made on Iran’s last war.
But now we’re duty bound to show you {show you, show you}
That we are unbiased {we cannot be biased}
There’s graft in Labour too,
We’ll also show the sleazy things that the Liberals do..

CHORUS 1

BBC, we offer neutrality,
We’ll show it repeatedly, one-two-three, times to see, sleaze equably.
BBC, Charge a big licence fee,
Show a repeat or three, BBC, That’s how great TV can be.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Tories trail dismally, blame the BBC,
Alan Yentob knows the way to sort it out,
Suppress half of the programmes and just watch the talent fleeing out.

VERSE 2

FROM RIGHT: The Tories are in disarray,
FROM LEFT So the Labour party must be split;
FROM RIGHT: And now John Major takes the rap, the public say he’s crap,
FROM LEFT: So Tony Blair must be a heap of shit.
ALL: Now old John Birt is goanna show you {show you, show you},
How to make it pay {make a cut a day};
He’ll bump up licence fees,
And sack broadcasters who have got the nerve to disagree.

CHORUS 2

BBC {it’s easy}, Broadcast unbiasedly {we report unbiasedly},
Else we get mad Tories, Crazily, claiming we’re to the left of C.
BBC {it’s easy}, It’s simply accountancy {it’s just counting beans you see},
Less creativity, BBC, And that’s the state of our TV.
And it’s not the way it has to be,
BBC, crap TV!!!!

The lyric is based on ABC by the Jackson Five:

 

 

Arthur Version 2 With Marion Ryan Recording, 4 April 1995

I found a later version of the Arthur lyric, written for Harold Davison, Marion Ryan, Frank Sinatra and their pals – explained here. At first thought that Harold must have requested/made some tweaks.

Then it dawned on me; Harold sent me a recording of Marion Ryan singing the song, so the second version must be my transcription of their tweaked version of the lyric.

It also dawned on me that I might even find the recording somewhere…

…and so I did.

So here is Marion Ryan singing Arthur:

…and here is their slightly tweaked version of the lyric.

ARTHUR
(To the Tune of “Laura”)

VERSE 1

Arthur,
Mr Crames who is sixty now,
Share deals, they just rise, never fall;
Self made, warm-hearted and from Bear Stearns,
But won’t say what he earns,
At all;

VERSE 2

You won’t see Arthur,
On the plane that is passing through,
He likes, beach and pool to be near;
He has the very best meals for you,
So for Arthur,
Let’s all give a big cheer.

…and here (again) is Sinatra singing Laura. Sadly no recording of him singing Arthur:

Meet Me In The Mansion, NewsRevue Lyric, Probably Unused, 3 April 1995

Presumably Jamie Blandford got himself into the news a fair bit that year. I cover quite a lot of ground in this lyric. Perhaps too much.

MEET ME IN THE MANSION
(To the Tune of “Meet Me on the Corner”)

VERSE 1

THE LAW: Hey Jamie Blanford, say, how have you been,
Tell me, have you Coke you can snort?
We came along, to grab you by the shlong,
And to seize the blow you’ve not bought.

TAXI DRIVER: You and your raids, on the Chemists and maids,
You’re a lecher, junkie and ponce;
You jump out and run while my meter’s still on,
When in the back of my taxi once.

CHORUS 1

JAMIE: Meet me in the mansion,
When the drugs are passing through,
And I’ll be there, inhaling herbal air;
THE LAW: We’ll check up your arse,
And if we find a trace of grass,
Then your conviction will be fair.

VERSE 2

TAXI DRIVER: O, Marquis Blanford, now see what you’ve done,
You’re a convict taking the stand;
You claim you’re hung up, but you should be strung up,
Only language that you’d understand.

CHORUS 2

JAMIE: Meet me in the mansion,
When the Coke is passing through,
They’ll blow the place, to try and crack the case;
THE LAW: Jamie tried to make,
A pile by swiping passing flake,
Once more this Burks Peer’s in disgrace.

I like Meet Me On The Corner – one of my early efforts on the baritone uke too. Here is the original Lindisfarne version with lyrics:

 

Electric Chair In Georgia, Unused Lyric For NewsRevue, 3 April 1995

Midnight Train To Georgia is a great song, but it does not lend itself to comedy lyrics. I should have learnt my lesson a couple of years earlier with my “Midnight Plane To Jordan” lyric.

It also wasn’t the best idea to return to the subject of state execution, although my very first success in NewsRevue, “California Here I Go”, was on that subject.

Mercifully, the following lyric, which makes some excellent points but is low on laughs (to say the least), was never used.

ELECTRIC CHAIR IN GEORGIA
(To the Tune of “Midnight Train To Georgia”)
VERSE 1

England proved too much for Ingram {too much for Ingram, he had to leave here},
So he left Old Blighty’s shores decades ago, oh-oh,
{He said he’s goin’} So he went to find a land {went to find a land}
Ohhh-ohhh where the gun cannot be banned,
But in the State’s he’s found, he too can be canned.

CHORUS 1

He’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight chair in Georgia,
{Leavin by electric chair, yeh};
So he’s now about to find {now about to find},
Eye for an eye leaves justice blind,
{If his appeal’s not compliant , his lawyer better find another client}
Are fiends electric? {we know they are}
In electric chairs in Georgia {shocking things, electric chairs, ssshhhwwwiiittt-bang}
He must be desperate as hell {desperate as hell},
Approaching John Major’s kind.
{Poor sod has gone half out of his mind}

VERSE 2

Ingram’s dreamin’ {dreamin’} ohhh that John Major takes his side,
{it’s suicide, but Nick might as well try}
And he’ll soon find out the hard way, dreams don’t always come true,
{Major’s plea may yet come through, pigs fly, Nick’s screwed}
So he’s written to his folks {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}
And to law reformer blokes {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}
He is mighty eloquent for an irredeemable miscreant,
Oh yes he is, but he’s still fucked.

CHORUS 2

Because he’s leavin’ {leavin’} by electric chair in Georgia,
{Leavin by electric chair, oh yeh}
So he’s goin’ to have some jolts {goin’ to have some jolts}
Of several thousand volts
{If you think that this song is shlock, it’s not as nasty as Nick Ingram’s shock}
He’ll write his story {best seller stuff}
About that ‘lectric chair in Georgia {the royalty’s a static charge, ssshhhwwwiiittt-bang}
If he’d been a football star {with OJ’s charisma}
He’d live despite all his faults.

Gladys Knight and the Pips and the lyrics below:

 

Hot Gas Export Subsidy, Letter To The BBC, 14 March 1995

No idea what I was driving at with this one, other than a small donation to Comic Relief. I had spent some time the previous year looking at EU export subsidy schemes, so perhaps I had some frustration to vent.

Farming Today 14 March 1995
New Subsidy/Comic Relief
BBC Broadcasting House
London
W1A 1AA
Dear Sirs

HOT GAS EXPORT SUBSIDY

The European Commission today announced a new subsidy relating to exports of compost. The value of the subsidy will be measured in ECU per cubic meter of gaseous product. The subsidy will be known colloquially as the “Hot Gas Export” subsidy.

A spokesman for the Commission explained “we suddenly realised that a Hot Gas Export subsidy could be of enormous benefit to Europe and in particular the Commission. Indeed, if we set the level of subsidy high enough, the Commission itself will immediately become economically sustainable or possibly even very profitable.”

The spokesman continued, “We appreciate that there may be some problems measuring the volume, value and destination of Hot Gas Export in order to substantiate each claim, but measurement problems have never stopped us before and certainly won’t stop us this time.”

The Commission spokesman then waffled on for a further three hours on the subject, producing vast quantities of hot air without really saying anything new. He then presented me with a Hot Gas Export subsidy claim for 159,000 ECU.

As a contribution towards this claim, I enclose a tenner for Comic Relief.

Yours faithfully
Ian Harris

enc.

Crap Tarrantino Man, NewsRevue and Ben Murphy Lyric, 12 March 1995

This did well in NewsRevue and Ben Murphy adapted it for his “edgy family show” in the west country.

The version below is date stamped November 1995, but it was first written in March. I certainly didn’t suggest that it was a new version, so changes, if any, must have been minimal.

CRAP TARANTINO MAN
(To the Tune of “Son of a Preacher Man”)

For audiences with a nervous disposition, all the expletives (in bold type) should be replaced with beeps

VERSE 1

Tarantino got bored a lot,
And so he made some schlock movies and swore a lot;
When his characters make conversation,
They never pass on information,
It’s just a cesspit of degradation,
Half the words should be deleted,
Cos they’re fucking shit expletives.

CHORUS 1

The only cunt who could use invectives,
Was that crap Tarantino man;
The only prick who makes fuck effective,
Is that crap Tarantino man.
‘Cos he says shit and suck and motherfuck;
The only one who makes foul-mouthed flickers,
Is that motherfucking bum Tarantino man,
He won’t use words like oh blast and knickers,
Cos they ain’t foul Tarantino style;
He just says prick and butt he should be cut…….

Ends suddenly!!!!

Here’s Dusty singing Son of a Preacher Man with lyrics on the vid:

…and here is Ben Murphy’s adapted version of my lyric.

Letter To Ben Murphy, 7 March 1995

I’m not sure about signing myself off as Z/Ian. I think Ben must have been taking the piss out of our (then quite new) company name.

Ben Murphy                              7 March 1995
(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben

YET MORE STUFF

I’ve tried to call you but you aren’t in. I enclose some new stuff – hope you like it. Still thinking about the other stuff for you.

How’s the tape coming along? Is the tape coming along? Do send those old tapes: I am still getting a trickle of interest from across the pond on the information superhighway.

Look forward to hearing from you soon.

Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris (Z/Ian)

Encs.

Pot Night, NewsRevue Lyric, 6 March 1995

By March 1995 it was nearly five years since I’d had a TV in my flat. This rendered me suitably non-expert to opine on pretentious-sounding TV shows I’d never seen.

Especially disloyal of me, this one, as I was indirectly doing a bit of work for Channel 4 at that time.

I don’t think this lyric was used much, if at all, but it is short and sharp; I like it, especially the first verse.

POT NIGHT
(To the Tune of “Top Cat”)
VERSE 1

Pot Night;
The ineffectual,
Pot Night;
When intellectual,
Berks drone ever on Channel 4,
About their spliff back in ’64.
Pot Night,
Cos Channel 4 are so desperate to offend;
You’ll get eight hours of shit,
But you won’t get a hit,
So turn off, tune out,
Pot Night.

VERSE 2

Red Light;
The institution says,
Red Light;
For prostitution’s a-,
‘Nother ponderous Channel 4 theme,
Someone dreamed up in a wet dream.
Red Light,
It’s unbelievable but they’ve made it dull;
Bores on sex, bores on drugs,
Someone please pull the plug,
And show Channel 4
A Red Light!!

If you want to see the opening sequence, sing along yourself and see the Top Cat lyrics/music, then click the first vid.  If you want to hear the original song sung, click the second. Well worth a look/listen at both:

Bye Bye Barings, NewsRevue Lyric, 28 February 1995

The collapse of Barings Bank at the hands of Nick Leeson was big news in 1995.

Naturally I gave it the NewsRevue treatment in song. I think this one was used and ran for some time.

BYE BYE BARINGS
(To the Tune of “Bye Bye Baby”)

INTRO

CHIEF EXEC: We’re very broad minded here at Barings, Mr Leeson, and we’ve been in the banking business for hundreds of years. So just calmly explain to me this little bit of difficulty you’ve got into in Singapore.
LEESON: If you hate me after what I say – can’t put it off any longer – just gotta tell you anyway….

CHORUS & VERSE 1

Bye bye Barings, Barings goodbye, {bye Barings, Barings bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye Barings, you’ve lost a pile; {bye Barings, Barings bye bye};

LEESON: You’re the one merchant bank I’ve worked for,
Now the press call me “wanker” “berk” for free,
You’re all blaming me -ee-ee-ee.
CHIEF EXEC: You’re our top trading Singaporer,
You screwed up and now we’re all poorer
LEESON: I got trust so you went bust – oh dear!

CHORUS & VERSE 2

Bye bye Barings, Barings goodbye, {bye Barings, Barings bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye Barings, went out in style; {bye Barings, Barings bye bye};

LEESON: Thought derivatives would be daring,
CHIEF EXEC: What a balls up! We’re now “Ball Barings” see!
We’re here on page three, (holds up Sun)
LEESON: Is that me?
I just bought a few put swap options,
Can I repay through my wage deductions?
CHIEF EXEC: This event means we’re all spent so

CHORUS 3

Bye bye banking, banking goodbye, {bye banking, banking bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye banking, no longer wise; {bye banking, banking bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye banking, banking goodbye, {bye banking, banking bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye banking, it’s no surprise; {bye banking, banking bye bye}.

Either: exeunt singing the above, or: music stops

CHIEF EXEC: Leeson, you’re a profligate, spendthrift and you know how to line your own pockets using options. You’re promoted. Welcome to the board.
LEESON: Thank you very much sir. Blackout

Originally by the Four Seasons, but the Bay City Rollers version is better known in the UK.