Letter To Ben Murphy, 19 May 1994

Ben Murphy 19 May 1994
[Address & Postcode Redacted]
Wells
Somerset

Dear Ben
 
MORE SONGS FOR YOU

 
Here are a couple of new ones hot off the press. These might be good for your tape and/or your summer gigs.
 
Speak to you soon.
 
 
Yours sincerely
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris
 
 

Letter To Ben Murphy, 17 May 1994

Ben Murphy 17 May 1994
(I really must,
put Ben’s address,
On my
Business
Database
!!! ???
 
Dear Ben
 
SONGS FOR YOUR TAPE

 
Despite the delay, I now enclose the songs I promised you. Get thee to the studio and may we all prosper.
 
Good luck in the studio.
 
Every day I check the post carefully for the cheque you have promised me, but I guess the post must be real slow travelling west to east. I look forward to a very fat one soon (and a big cheque).
 
 
Speak to you soon
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris
 
encs

Old Mandela, NewsRevue Lyric & Ben Murphy Recording, 1 May 1994

This is one of the most successful of my lyrics, which ran in NewsRevue for most of the remainder of 1994. It was also recorded by Ben Murphy. I must say I am still mighty proud of this lyric, 25 years after Nelson Mandela was elected, as I write, on 27 April 2019.

_ OLD MANDELA _
(To the Tune of “Old Man River”)
(A song for Afrikaner solo and/or chorus)

VERSE 1

Old Mandela,
Dat Old Mandela,
With fans street dancing,
Like the Vandellas,
And old vendettas,
Have just got nowhere to run.

VERSE 2

Dis whole nation
Was our plantation,
And now we’re losing,
Our demarkation;
But Old Mandela,
Says he’ll let bygones be gone.

MIDDLE EIGHT

You and me, we’re not well built,
We’ve never had to toil and we’re racked with guilt;
All dis stress makes us go pale,
Now we have lost our power will we land in jail?

VERSE 3

We’re not grieving,
But we are praying,
Too rich for leaving,
Too scared of staying;
But Old Mandela,
He just keeps polling along.

Ben Murphy suggested the above closing line – my original version closed with the line:

He just might rule us all well.

In NewsRevue, the performance was a belter; several performers over the months did justice to it with excellent Afrikaner accents and powerful voices. Ben Murphy’s recording, while excellent, is more comedic and vocally restrained. You can listen to Ben’s recording below:

Below is a video with William Warfield’s voice and the lyrics to Ol’ Man River on screen:

Below is a clip of Paul Robeson singing Ol’ Man River in the original movie version of Showboat:

Letter To Ben Murphy, 8 February 1994

I’m not quite sure how the postman delivered this letter to Ben Murphy – perhaps I wrote the address on the envelope somewhat differently.

Note my tongue in cheek/hanging out bants about getting paid by Ben.


Ben Murphy 8 February 1994
And His Dog
Went
To
Sow
A
Meadow
 
 


Dear Ben
 
SONGS

 
I enclose the songs I promised you. See the nifty standard letter generator? Sadly, I did not have your address at work so you don’t get the window envelope treatment.
 
Good luck in the studio.
 
I await the big fat cheque (which is surely on its way) with my tongue hanging out.
 
 
Yours sincerely
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ian Harris
 
 

Get Back To Basics, NewsRevue Lyric And Ben Murphy Recording, 2 January 1994

Prime Minister John Major’s “Back To Basics” campaign was the gift that kept on giving to comedy folk like me back then.

This lyric almost wrote itself and ran in NewsRevue a lot in 1994.


                                                      _ GET BACK TO BASICS _


                                           (To the Tune of “Get Back”)
 
VERSE 1
 
Major was a man who thought he was a leader,
But he knew it wouldn’t last;
Major was a feeble ineffective bleeder,
Borrowed slogans from the past.
 
CHORUS 1
 
MAJOR:Get back, get back, get back to basics once again;
Get back, get back, Victorians were real men;
Get back to basics!! (Trollop)
 
VERSE 2
 
Yeo Yeo was a man who hated single mothers,
Tho he was a single dad;
Yeo Yeo thought that morals just applied to others,
Others thought that Yeo was mad.
 
CHORUS 2
 
MAJOR:Get back, get back, get back on the backbench again;
You lack, you lack, the morals on which we depend;
Get back, backbencher! (you trollop)
 
VERSE 3
 
Tory was a party hated indiscretion,
Didn’t like the way it looks;
Major gave the public a distinct impression,
With the House of Commons cooks.
 
CHORUS 3
 
Set back, set back, set back to Tories once again;
Lets sack, lets sack, the hypocrite at number ten.
 
MAJOR:Get back to basics
ALL:Basically you’re crap
MAJOR:Oh bollocks.

Below is Ben Murphy’s recording of Get Back To basics:

Click here for a link to the Beatles singing Get Back with lyrics on the screen. The embedded vid below doesn’t have the lyrics.

In February 1994 I replaced Verse 3 et. seq. with the following:

VERSE 3
 
MAJOR:Stephen was a sad sack with no contaception,
Never had a furtive shag;
CHORUS:Stephen it appears preferred his own erection,
With a flex and plastic bag.
 
CHORUS 3
 
Get back, get back, get back to Playtex once again,
Get black, get black, get black suspenders on your men;
Set back, set back, set back to Tories once again;
Lets sack, lets sack, the hypocrite at number ten.
 
And lets hear it for Hartley Booth, the easy lay preacher:
Amen.

Serbi Serbi Chief Chief, NewsRevue Lyric And Ben Murphy Recording, 1 January 1994

My burst of creative energy over that seasonal break continued into the early days of 1994.

This lyric, about the Serbian wars, is the only item from my paltry song thought jottings in China, Hong Kong and Bali to make it to an actual lyric.

Quite a good one, though, which i think did well in NewsRevue and for sure did well for Ben Murphy who recorded it.

_ SERBI SERBI CHIEF CHIEF _
(To the Tune of “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep”)
 
VERSE 1
 
Where’ve the Balkans gone?{Where’ve the Balkans gone?}
Mr Slobidan{Mr Slobidan},  Yugoslavians  {Yugoslavians}
Fighting away, fighting away.
 
CHORUS 1
 
Last year I heard a Croat singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief;
Woke up this morning, warfare’s still going on,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief, Serbi Serbi Chief, Chief Serb.
 
VERSE 2
 
Where are Bosnians?{Where are Bosnians?}
Mr Radovan  {Mr Radovan}  Brutal Serbian  {Brutal Serbian}
Blasts them away, blasts them away.
 
CHORUS 2
 
Last year I heard a Muslim singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat;
Woke up this morning, most of Bosnia’s gone,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat, Serbi Serbi cheat, cheap Serb.
 
VERSE 3
 
Still the war goes on{Still the war goes on}
Greater Serbian  {Greater Serbian}  Strike Albanians  {Strike Albanians}
Far far away, Kosovo way.
 
CHORUS 3
 
Last year the Kosovans were singing a song,
Ooooo please, Serbi Serbi peace peace;
Woke up this morning and the harmony’s gone,
Ooooo please, Serbians make peace please Serbians make peace please Serbs.

Below is Ben Murphy’s recording of Serbi Serbi Chief Chief.

Below is a video of Middle Of The Road singing Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep, with the lyrics, such as they are, on the screen.

In the summer of 1995 I wrote an update of Serbi Serbi Chief Chief which I think revived the lyric in NewsRevue for several weeks:

SERBI SERBI CHIEF CHIEF – SUMMER 1995 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Chirpy Chirpy Cheep Cheep”)

VERSE 1

Where’ve the Balkans gone? {Where’ve the Balkans gone?}
Mr Slobidan {Mr Slobidan}, Yugoslavians {Yugoslavians}
Fighting away, fighting away.

CHORUS 1

Last year I heard a Croat singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief;
Woke up this morning, warfare’s still going on,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi Chief Chief, Serbi Serbi Chief, Chief Serb.

VERSE 2

Where are Bosnians? {Where are Bosnians?}
Mr Radovan {Mr Radovan} Brutal Serbian {Brutal Serbian}
Blasts them away, blasts them away.

CHORUS 2

Last year I heard a Muslim singing a song,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat;
Woke up this morning, most of Bosnia’s gone,
Ooooo eeeee, Serbi Serbi cheat cheat, Serbi Serbi cheat, cheap Serb.

VERSE 3

Where is UNPROFOR? {Where is UNPROFOR?}
In this brutal war {In this brutal war} Saving weak and poor? {Save the weak & poor?}
No bloody way, no bloody way.

CHORUS 3

Last year the Bosnians were singing a song,
Ooooo please, Serbi Serbi peace peace;
Woke up this morning and the harmony’s gone,
Ooooo please, Serbians make peace please Serbians make peace please Serbs.

Panto Act, Written For Ben Murphy, 2 November 1993

Ben Murphy must have asked for material along these lines and I must have written this. Reading between the lines, he was playing Baron Hardup in Rhyl. This short set is a mish mosh of:

I don’t think anyone will be telling their grandchildren about this one.

_ PANTO ACT _

(Ian’s wierd attempt to write panto material)
 
SHAGGY BARON (Ugly Duckling)
 
There once was a shaggy Baron,
With whiskers all stubbly and grey;
And the audience,
Yelled “Ben you are dense,
But find a song to play.
Sing a song,
Sing sing a song,
Sing sing a song today.”
 
[Perhaps insist that children yell the sing sing stuff and refuse to continue until they have done so loud enough etc]
 
FILLER 1
 
Oh alright then.  As you asked so nicely.  The only thing is, I am a very poor Baron.  Baron Hardup.  So I have to travel all over the country singing nasty songs to try to scrape a living.  Do you mind if I sing you nasty songs?   Really?   Are you sure?  See if you can work out who I am now.
 
BETTER FACE (Heal The World)
 
There’s a mug that you see on your TV frequently,
‘Though I look differently I’m Michael Jackson;
It may be a surprise ‘cos you may not recognise,
The new bits that my plastic surgeon tacks on.
I may have a face lift, a nose job or a skin shift,
To have a better face and a different race.
 
Every year, I’m gonna have a better face,
Both my eyes and my nose will be in a different place;
Now my cheeks need grouting,
And my lips have been fixed pouting,
It’s the strangest face that you’ve ever seen.
 
FILLER 2
 
I like children.  Really I do.  Hey kids; what’s orange and sounds like a parrot?  A carrot.  Kids, you’ll have to sing along to the next song.  Here we go. 
 
IF I HAD A STAMMER (If I had a hammer)
 
Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh,
Oohh oohh, oohh, oohh, oohh oohh, oohh, oohh;
If I had a stammer,
I’d stammer in the morning,
I’d s s s s s s;
 
FILLER 3
 
This next one’s a slower number for all you parents out there.
 
MARIO (Maria)
 
Mario, I’ve just bought my kids a Nintendo,
And suddenly that game, seems boring and seems tame, to them;
Mario, I am singing this in the wrong key-o,
And suddenly each note, is catching in my throat badly;
Mario, in one day my kids clocked your new meter,
Now they’re bored sitting watching Blue Peter;
Mario, how I wish that your upgrades were free-o.
 
SONIC THE HEDGEHOG (Nellie the Elephant)
 
Sonic the hedgehog has packed his punch,
And made a pile for the Sega,
Off he goes with a jumpety jump jump jump jump.
 
FILLER 4
 
Do you like Take That?  I can’t hear you.  Do you like Take That?  Pardon?  etc
 
TAKE THAT FANS PANTO (Teddy Bear’s Picinic)
 
If you go down to the pantomime you’re in for a big surprise,
If you go down to the pantomime you’d better go in disguise;
For every kid that’s sitting in Rhyl,
Is sure Take That are totally brill,
Today’s the day the Take That fans go to panto.
 
IT ONLY TOOK FIVE MINUTES KIDS (It only took a minute girl)
 
It only took five minutes, kids,
To write this act,
And gosh it shows,
It only took five minutes kids…..
 
Goodnight!!

Below is Danny Kaye singing the Ugly Duckling Song with lyrics on the screen:

Below is the song Maria with lyrics on screen:

Below is Mandy Miller singing Nellie The Elephant:

This link shows the lyrics to Nellie the Elephant.

Below is It Only Takes A Minute sung by Take That! with lyrics on the screen.

Scarborough Cliffs/Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Cliff Face, NewsRevue & Ben Murphy Lyrics, 6 June 1993

The day before I wrote these lyrics, a large chunk of a Scarborough Hotel, Holbeck Hall, fell from the top of the cliffs into the sea, as a result of coastal erosion.

This seemed like good material for topical satire; which it was.

The first part of the lyric, the Scarborough Fair bit, was not much used, but the second part of the lyric ran in NewsRevue for some time and was recorded by Ben Murphy on his album that summer; click below:

                                           SCARBOROUGH CLIFFS


                                       (To the Tune of “Scarborough Fair”)
 
VERSE 1
 
Are you going to Scarborough cliffs?
Strawberry jam, whipped cream, scones and tea;
The eastern coast has started to shift,
Scarborough’s falling into the sea.
 
VERSE 2
 
Tell her to find me a Chippendale chair,
Walnut, oak, ebony or teak;
Now Holbeck Hall has laid itself bare,
She may catch a falling antique.
 
VERSE 3
 
Beautiful paintings are now on the skids,
Renoir fakes, Picasso and Freud;
One genuine worth thousands of quid,
In the struggle may be destroyed.
 
VERSE 4
 
Through the soil where once flowers bloomed,
Scavenge greedy bastards below;
You’ll see the folk who were not entombed,
Next week on the Antiques Road Show.
 
 
OH I DO LIKE TO BE BESIDE THE CLIFF FACE
(To The Tune Of “Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside”)
 
Oh I do like to be beside the cliff face,
Oh I do like to be beside the sea;
Oh I do like to watch the bits of Holbeck Hall,
Crumble away and fall till it’s not there at all.
 
Just bury me beside the cliff face,
I’ll be impaled by cutlery;
Then a Chippendale bedstead will descend onto my head,
Beside the cliff face,
Beside the sea.

Below is Simon and Garfunkel’s recording of Scarborough Fair:

Below is the original recording of Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside by Mark Sheridan, from 1909. The chorus starts around the 48 second mark:

Domestic Fuel, NewsRevue Lyric, 12 May 1993

I think this was one of the best lyrics I wrote for NewsRevue.

It was almost certainly the quickest, in terms of creative process.

The idea for it – based on the government’s imposition of VAT on domestic fuel for the first time in the UK – popped into my head as a Circle Line train approached High Street Kensington. I grabbed a piece of paper from my attache case, boarded the train and started writing.

I was done by the time we arrived at Notting Hill Gate – perhaps 90 seconds later, I still have the piece of paper somewhere – I’ll scan it and add it once I go through that part of my physical archive.

There is also a story attached to my witnessing the song’s first ever performance – a couple of weeks or so later. Keith Wickham was directing the show and I was very keen to attend the opening night; 27 May 1993.

I was in Manchester on business and arranged to leave quite early on the Thursday afternoon to be sure to arrive back in London on time. But I hadn’t accounted for several junctions of the M6 motorway to be a blocked by an accident, which meant hours of traffic jams and diversions.

I remember clearly writing off the idea of going home first…then writing off the idea of eating a proper meal before the show and eventually even writing off the idea of getting a beer and a packet of crisps in before curtain up. I think I drove much too fast once I got past the hazard and was lucky to get to the Canal Cafe Theatre at 20:00 on the dot and in one piece, just in time for curtain up.

I’m pretty sure that the crowning glory of that dash was, for me, to see Domestic Fuel performed and I’m pretty sure it was Rosie Cavaliero who performed it that night – perhaps Keith can confirm or deny.

Anyway, here’s the lyric:

DOMESTIC FUEL

(To the Tune of “Everything I Own”)

VERSE 1 – OLD BIDDY

Fuel sheltered me from harm,

Kept me warm, kept me warm;

Fuel gave my light to me,

‘lec-tric-ly, ‘lec-tric-ly;

But Tory ministers are cruel,

By taxing my domestic fuel.

CHORUS 1 – STILL WITH THE BIDDY

So I must give everything I own,

Give up my light, my hearth, my phone,

And cut my expenses to the bone;

Just to heat my flat again,

And to treat my sore chilblain.

VERSE 2 – A CRUEL TORY

This is someone who’s old,

Decrepit and bold,

Who is taking hand outs for granted;

We shall lose her one day,

Hypothermia, say,

Then there’s one less pension we must pay.

CHORUS 2 – STILL THE CRUEL TORY

(To audience)Cos we have taxed everything you earn,

(To Biddy)Now it’s the old must take their turn,

{BIDDY:  eh}

We’ll ignore health and age concern;

{BIDDY:  mustn’t grumble}

Just to balance books again,

Lower interest rates again,

Then we’ll tax her once again.

{BIDDY:I don’t want to be any trouble.}

Ben Murphy made a good recording of this one – you can listen below:

Not quite the power of the original performance – superbly done by Rosie Cavaliero – but that original performance is sadly lost in the mists of time.

If you want to know what Everything I Own sounds like when sung by Ken Booth, click here (where you can also read the lyrics) or watch the embedded vid below:

A Very Short Break In Cornwall, 25 to 28 April 1993

The diaries give very few clues about this short break to Cornwall. I think we both simply agreed to book out the first three days working days of that week and drive off to Cornwall.

We went in Red Noddy – at that time my company car – a souped-up automatic Honda Civic. In those days Janie had Blue Noddy – a slightly older, souped-down automatic Honda Civic.

The only clue as to our destination in either diary is the slightly misleading note in Janie’s:

“Rossiney” [sic] – meaning “Bossiney” House Hotel Tintagel

The hotel is still there in 2019 – click here for details.

I think we stayed there two nights – dining at the hotel on one night and “commuting” to Rick Stein’s Padstow Restaurant the other night. That Rick Stein meal was an excellent one and I think in those days Rick Stein himself was still hanging around that place when we dined there.

From memory, I think we then drove on to St Ives and stayed somewhere around there for a couple of nights – exploring St Ives, Lands End itself and whatever else was worth seeing at that very south-western tip of Great Britain.

Janie had written down…

…”Gyllyndune Manor” (Falmouth)…

…but crossed it out. I don’t think there was room at the inn or perhaps she decided she didn’t like the sound of it. I vaguely recall just allowing enough time on arrival at St Ives to check places out and plug for something. Midweek in April this was not a tough ask.

The only thing I wrote down in my diary for the whole trip was…

…*Ben Murphy…

…and I do recall trying to call my west-country comedy customer Ben Murphy ahead of our journey home, with a view to possibly stopping off for a quick face-to-face on his home turf in Somerset. Ben made himself scarce for that idea…or possibly simply was, as he said later, otherwise engaged. Hard to pin down, was Ben.

I don’t think we took any photos on that break – at least I cannot find any and neither of us, at the moment, remembers taking any. Yet it seems strange that we didn’t. Possibly a mislaid batch of photos will emerge in the fullness of time – don’t hold your breath, though.

For now, feast your eyes on a couple of pictures that good folk put in the public domain.

Tintagel:

Tintagel Ruins - Mainland Courtyard 01

St Ives:

Stives1

Thanks to those good people who took nice photos.