Tag: Canal Cafe Theatre

I credited this VE Day celebrations medley to “cast” as well as me, so I must have spent some time consulting with the cast over their wishes. In my view, this was mostly padding for the Wheel Vera Lynn song – click here or below.

Wheel Vera Lynn, NewsRevue Lyric And Beyond, 24 April 1995

VE DAY MEDLEY

(A medley to various World War Two tunes)

VOICEOVER: And now we join another relic of a byegone era: one of the many street parties celebrating VE Day.

 

THE STREET PARTIES OF DOVER
(To the tune of “The White Cliffs of Dover”)

There’ll be no Krauts over,
The white cliffs of Dover,
Cos they’re not invited to VE;
There’ll be Frogs and Yankees,
And street parties, frankly,
We’re all bored with this Jubilee.

SPAM FRITTERS SPAM
(To the tune of “Run Rabbit Run”)

Spam fritters, spam fritters, spam, spam, spam,
This VE day stuff’s a sham, sham, sham;
Bang, bang, bang, that war nostalgia drum,
And stuff powdered egg in your tum, tum, tum.

WE’LL HAVE TUMMY ACHE TOMORROW
(To the tune of “It’s a Lovely Day Tomorrow”)

We’ll have tummy ache tomorrow,
Tomorrow all our guts will drag;
There’ll be pancrititis and gastro-enteritis,
Tomorrow we’ll have urine bags.

The Ben Murphy medley adapts the above material so much I think we can only claim it to have been “inspired by”, but he does a great job with the VE Labour items – click here for the Ogblog of those and of course Wheel Vera Lynn.

In case there’s anyone who doesn’t recognise the original numbers, here are some YouTubes with lyrics.

Strangely, the following year I re-presented the medley 1 May 1996 as a 1996 local election remix – it is marked Version 2 but I cannot see much if any the difference:

LABOUR DAY – LOCAL ELECTIONS 1996 REMIX
(A medley to various World War Two tunes)

 

IN THE LOCAL COUNCIL POLLS
(To the tune of “The Quartermaster’s Stores”)

There was Blair, Blair, winning fair and square,
In the polls, in the polls;
There was Blair, Blair, every-bloody-where,
In the local council polls.
My eyes are dim I cannot see,
A single Tory victory,
I can’t see one Tory victory.

 

EASE UP GORDON BROWN
(To the tune of “Knees Up, Mother Brown”)

Ease up Gordon Brown, ease up Gordon Brown,
Labour councils won the rout,
Chucked a load of Tories out;
All you do is grimace,
All you do is frown,
Ease up, ease up, join in our knees up,
Ease up Gordon Brown.

ROLL OUT THE TORIES
(To the tune of “Roll Out The Barrel”)

Roll out the Tories,
See what the Tories have done;
Roll out the Tories,
We’ve got those Blues on the run;
Read lots of stories,
About their former careers;
Its sex and cash and arms with Tories,
But now it’s Labour’s year!!

Then 29 June 1997, I wrote another “variant”, barely distinguishable from the first version:

LABOUR DAY – 1997 ELECTION REMIX
(A medley to various World War Two tunes)

 

IN THE OLD OPINION POLLS
(To the tune of “The Quartermaster’s Stores”)

There was Blair, Blair, winning fair and square,
In the polls, in the polls;
There was Blair, Blair, every-bloody-where,
In the old opinion polls.
My eyes are dim I cannot see,
A single Tory victory,
I can’t see one Tory victory.

 

EASE UP GORDON BROWN
(To the tune of “Knees Up, Mother Brown”)

Ease up Gordon Brown, ease up Gordon Brown,
Labour party’s done the rout,
Chucked the bleedin’ Tories out;
All you do is grimace,
All you do is frown,
Ease up, ease up, join in our knees up,
Ease up Gordon Brown.

ROLL OUT THE TORIES
(To the tune of “Roll Out The Barrel”)

Roll out the Tories,
See what the Tories have done;
Roll out the Tories,
We’ve got those Blues on the run;
Read lots of stories,
About their former careers;
Its sex and cash and arms with Tories,
But now New Labour’s here!!

 

I don’t think this got used much, if at all. Slow ones need to be so spot on, as the laughs still need to come fast enough.

Good lyric, though, worth the read at least for a few of the lines. Talking of “read”, the line about Lou Reed’s demise is far more topical now (2017) than it was in 1995.

POSY BAND
(To the Tune of “Perfect Day”)

VERSE 1

Just a posy band,
They’re known as Duran Duran,
Just like Barbarella’s man,
In that flick.
Such a posy band,
They wear New Romantic shoes,
Gauche tunics and weird hairdos,
Makes us sick.

CHORUS 1

Cos they’re a pretentious band,
We thought at last they had gone;
Bog off Duran Duran,
With that git Simon Le Bon,
Don’t you hate that Simon Le Bon,

VERSE 2

Just a pompous band,
How come they are still at large?
It’s years since we’ve seen Visage,
Or Japan.
Such a painful band,
Should’ve died out like Frankie Valli,
More stuck up than Spandau Ballet,
That Duran (Duran).

CHORUS 2

And it’s such a putrid disk,
Sung without zeal really slow;
It’s an appalling disk,
With a ghastly video,
Don’t you wish those arseholes would go.

OUTRO

You’ll make Lou Reed turn in his grave;
(GIT 1: I didn’t realise Lou Reed was dead.)
(GIT 2: Well, effectively dead.)
(GIT 3: Is now.)
You’ll make Lou Reed turn in his grave.

Here is Lou Reed rendering the wonderful song, Perfect Day, with lyrics in the description:

The collapse of Barings Bank at the hands of Nick Leeson was big news in 1995.

Naturally I gave it the NewsRevue treatment in song. I think this one was used and ran for some time.

BYE BYE BARINGS
(To the Tune of “Bye Bye Baby”)

INTRO

CHIEF EXEC: We’re very broad minded here at Barings, Mr Leeson, and we’ve been in the banking business for hundreds of years. So just calmly explain to me this little bit of difficulty you’ve got into in Singapore.
LEESON: If you hate me after what I say – can’t put it off any longer – just gotta tell you anyway….

CHORUS & VERSE 1

Bye bye Barings, Barings goodbye, {bye Barings, Barings bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye Barings, you’ve lost a pile; {bye Barings, Barings bye bye};

LEESON: You’re the one merchant bank I’ve worked for,
Now the press call me “wanker” “berk” for free,
You’re all blaming me -ee-ee-ee.
CHIEF EXEC: You’re our top trading Singaporer,
You screwed up and now we’re all poorer
LEESON: I got trust so you went bust – oh dear!

CHORUS & VERSE 2

Bye bye Barings, Barings goodbye, {bye Barings, Barings bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye Barings, went out in style; {bye Barings, Barings bye bye};

LEESON: Thought derivatives would be daring,
CHIEF EXEC: What a balls up! We’re now “Ball Barings” see!
We’re here on page three, (holds up Sun)
LEESON: Is that me?
I just bought a few put swap options,
Can I repay through my wage deductions?
CHIEF EXEC: This event means we’re all spent so

CHORUS 3

Bye bye banking, banking goodbye, {bye banking, banking bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye banking, no longer wise; {bye banking, banking bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye banking, banking goodbye, {bye banking, banking bye bye oooohhhh};
Bye bye banking, it’s no surprise; {bye banking, banking bye bye}.

Either: exeunt singing the above, or: music stops

CHIEF EXEC: Leeson, you’re a profligate, spendthrift and you know how to line your own pockets using options. You’re promoted. Welcome to the board.
LEESON: Thank you very much sir. Blackout

Originally by the Four Seasons, but the Bay City Rollers version is better known in the UK.

 

I’ve never much liked rugby and in this lyric I gave the sport the treatment.

But I don’t think this lyric ever made the NewsRevue cut.

RUGBY LOVE
(To the Tune of “Puppy Love”)

(The player/singer should be as heavily bandaged and crutch-ridden as scene change time will allow)

VERSE 1

And they call it rugby love,
Oh I guess you’ll never know;
Why I’m face down in the mud,
In the winter rain and snow.

VERSE 2

Yes, they call it rugby love,
Just because we’re such a team;
If I crush you with my studs,
Its just the way I let off steam.

MIDDLE EIGHT

I cry each night,
But I’m tough as nails, right?
Like the nails in my limbs for to pin.
I hope and I pray,
I heal and can play,
At the one {at the one}
Sport sometimes {sport sometimes}
England win {play the one sport sometimes England win}.

VERSE 3

Someone help me, help me, help me please,
I got crushed bad in the scrum;
When some bastard grabbed my ball,
And some prick squashed up my bum.
{Yes some prick squashed up his bum}.

VERSE 4

Someone help me, help me, help me please,
Is the answer up above? (Chorus holds a sign over his head which reads “Testosterone Kid”, “Lunatic”, “Woofter” or anything else that might raise a laugh)
When I’m rucking with my team,
It is not a rugby love.
{It is not a rugby love}.

Here’s Donny on YouTube, with the lyrics in the text underneath if you load it in YouTube proper:

The lottery started and needed a lyric. I tried. I’m not sure I succeeded.

I think you need to know that the UK lottery is operated by a company named Camelot for this lyric to work at all.

The lyric below is an update from the original Win A Lot lyric, when Camelot were awarded the contract, in May 1994:

Win A Lot, NewsRevue Lyric, 31 May 1994

WIN A LOT
(To the Tune of “Camelot”)

VERSE 1

Large lotteries were banned a while ago here,
To stop us betting everything we’ve got;
But now there’s mega-profits that could flow here,
From Camelot.

VERSE 2

Accounting firms who framed the deal made packets,
Consultancies have earned an awful lot;
Solicitors have got in on the racket,
They planned the lot.

MIDDLE EIGHT 1

Punt a lot, Camelot,
My tickets lost again;
Camelot, damn the lot!,
The problem’s Number 10.

VERSE 3

The razzmatazz has sure failed to delight us,
Noel Edmunds and his cronies should be shot;
More likely Necrotising Faciitis,
Than win a lot.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

Win a lot, win a lot?
This country’s going to the dogs;
Gamble lots, Camelot,
Like Irish, Greeks and Frogs.

OUTRO

They say they’ll donate loads to worthy causes,
And half the take in prizes reappears;
But they won’t have forgot, the most auspicious lot,
By far the biggest winner of the year is Camelot.

Here is Richard Burton chatting his way through the Camelot song, with the lyric on the screen:

Presumably there was severe flood risk in Holland that winter. I don’t recall whether or not this quickie was used; I think it ought to have been.

UNDER PRESSURE
(To the Tune of “Under Pressure”)
Two or three wimmin (a man can be a wimman for these purposes) link hands on stage. Ideally they have tulips about their persons and/or mock Dutch accents.

MAIN BIT

Do-do-do do-do-do-do, do-do-do do-do-do-do;
Do-do-do do-do-do-do, do-do-do do-do-do-do.
Pressure,
Pushing down on me,
Pressing down on you,
It’s pissing down.

Under pressure,
In the Netherlands,
Where the weather’s planned,
That we might drown.

OUTRO

Under pressure,
Do-do-do do-do-do-do, do-do-do do-do-do-do;
Under pressure.

(During the above outro lines)
VOICE-OVER: That was a network of Dutch dikes – Under Pressure.

Here’s Queen and David Bowie singing Under Pressure with lyrics on the screen: