Mick’s Unpleasant Things, NewsRevue Lyric, 1 August 1992

25 years ago to this very day (I am writing on 1 August 2017), I wrote this rather nasty little lyric, which was very successfully used in NewsRevue for many weeks.

I’m hoping someone out there can name the two performers who made this their own for the first few weeks; I can picture them but not name them. I think Jonathan Linsley and Dot Atkinson were also in that cast, but I’m pretty sure the other two played Mick and Jerry…

Postscript: I found a running order and cast list in my own pile of antiquities – Peter Anthony Graham was “Mick” and Vanessa Peers was “Jerry”.

25 years later Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall are both still surprisingly newsworthy.

MICK’S UNPLEASANT THINGS

(To the Tune of “My Favourite Things”)

 

JUDGE:Dearly beloved.  We are gathered here today to conduct the divorce proceedings of Mr Michael Jagger and Ms Jeremiah Hall.  Ms Hall.  Will you please explain to this court why you wish to divorce this man.

 

VERSE 1 – JERRY’S TESTIMONY

 

Prancing about like a twelve year old wanker,

Marianne Faithful and loyal to Bianca;

Hundreds of other girls now wear his rings,

These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.

 

VERSE 2 – MORE OF JERRY’S TESTIMONY

 

Ogling at photographs of Dolly Parton,

Trips with Bill Wyman to the Kindergarten;

Look how he dances and hear how he sings,

These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.

 

CLIMATIC BIT 1 – JERRY’S CLIMAX

 

When a Mars bar, extra large size, is placed by my bed;

I think of Mick’s bulging and expectant eyes, and go for a walk instead.

 

JUDGE:Is she not radiant?  Is she not fragrant?  Would you care for a Twix, Ms Hall?  Now, Mr Slimy Toad, what do you have to say for yourself?

 

VERSE 3 – MICK’S TESTIMONY

 

Slow Texan drawl that drives me to distraction,

With girls like her I can’t get satisfaction;

Fights over Carla and my other flings,

These are a few of her unpleasant things.

 

VERSE 4 – MICK’S TESTIMONY

 

Honky Tonk Woman you’ve gone way past your prime,

Get off my cloud, paint it black for the last time,

I want some action, I don’t want the strings,

Least of all I want her unpleasant things.

 

CLIMATIC BIT 2 – MICK’S CLIMAX

 

When my lips purse, and I’m strutting, then its time for bed;

I think about Jerry’s aversion to rutting, and screw someone else instead.

 

JUDGE:Divorce granted.  Next case please.

Just in case you don’t know the song My Favourite Things from The Sound of Music…or even if you do know it but want to hear and see it again, here it is:

 

On 1 August 1993, I wrote a 50th birthday remix of this lyric:

MICK’S UNPLEASANT THINGS – 50th BIRTHDAY REMIX

(To the Tune of “My Favourite Things”)
 
ANNOUNCER:And now, in honour of Mick Jagger’s fiftieth birthday, we go over now to Mick & Jerry’s palatial residence in Richmond upon Thames.
 
VERSE 1 – JERRY HALL
 
Prancing about like a twelve year old wanker,
Marianne Faithful and loyal to Bianca;
‘Tho Mick is fifty he still has wild flings,
These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.
 
VERSE 2 – MICK JAGGER
 
Slow Texan drawl that drives me to distraction,
With girls like her I can’t get satisfaction;
I’m fifty so Jerry now clips my wings,
These are a few of her unpleasant things.
 
CLIMATIC BIT 1 – JERRY’S CLIMAX
 
When a Mars bar, extra large size, is placed by my bed;
I think of Mick’s bulging and expectant eyes, and go for a walk instead.
 
VERSE 3 – JERRY HALL
 
Ogling at photographs of Dolly Parton,
Trips with Bill Wyman to the Kindergarten;
Look how he dances and hear how he sings,
These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.
 
VERSE 4 – MICK JAGGER
 
Honky Tonk Woman you’ve gone way past your prime,
Get off my cloud, paint it black for the last time,
I want some action, I don’t want the strings,
Least of all I want her unpleasant things.
 
CLIMATIC BIT 2 – MICK’S CLIMAX
 
When my lips purse, and I’m strutting, then its time for bed;
I think about Jerry’s aversion to rutting, and screw someone else instead.

Eugène Terre’Blanche, NewsRevue Lyric Actually Used, 26 July 1992

I like to think of Ogblog as the fifth emergency service. So when John White texted me on 1 January 2017 to say that he had my old Eugène Terre’blanche/Sweet Gene Vincent song giving him earworm and could I please Ogblog it sharpish…no sooner the word than the deed – click here for that hurried rescue piece.

But in truth, I wanted to write more about this lyric and in any case that original version from February 1992 was pre-NewsRevue (from my point of view) and never professionally performed.

By the summer of 1992 I was writing quite regularly for NewsRevue and, fortuitously (for me and for NewsRevue, not for the people of South Africa), Terre’blanche was back in the news.

Stalwarts of the show that summer were Jonathan Linsley and his then girlfriend Paula Tappenden. Both had a go at both acting and directing the show; at that juncture, Paula was directing and Jonathan was acting. That was good fortune for this song, as Jonathan was able to personify the ghastly Eugène Terre’Blanche very well.

I recall some excellent business in the intro where they would take the line “I like to watch springboks rutting” and get a member of the cast to do some suggestive puppetry with a pair of sneakers, only for Linsley/Terre’Blanche to yell, “I said springboks, not Reeboks”.

The female members of the cast would don deer masks and then dance around as a chorus of springboks. I recall that Dorothy (“Dot”) Atkinson was one of the springboks in that song but more importantly one of the supremely talented members of that cast.

Perhaps you had to be there – it was great. Paula and Jon (and indeed Dot); you were and are stars. It was one of the golden eras for NewsRevue.

In my delight and excitement at this triumph, I found, in Record and Tape Exchange, which is/was around the corner from my flat, an utterly ghastly album of Afrikaaner Oom-pah-pah music by Johnny Saffer and his Afrikaaner Pennywhistle Brass Band. OK, perhaps the band wasn’t called that, but the jolly looking chap on the cover “boer” a passing resemblance to Linsley/Terre’Blanche.

I gave the album to Paula and Jonathan. I think Jonathan and Paula enjoyed the wheeze. I wonder what became of that memento when they split? Perhaps this Ogblog piece will uncover one or both of  those lovely people and my question might even be answered.

Meanwhile, the lyrics that were actually used in NewsRevue follow:

                              EUGENE TERRE’BLANCHE – JULY 1992 VERSION

(To the tune of “Sweet Gene Vincent”)

 

INTRO BIT

 

{CHORUS:Eugene baby}

I like to get out of Cape Town sometimes and drive round the Karoo,

I like to eat Boerwors with right wing reporters who claim we don’t screw;

I like to watch the springboks rutting, I like to eat them barbecued.

Eugene Terre’Blanche, Neo-Nazi baas, Eugene Terre’Blanche.

{CHORUS:Who, who, who’s that baas?}

 

1st MAIN BIT

 

White face-black shirt, whites rich-blacks poor, Afrikaner-Hottentot, white’s right-black’s not:-

Eugene Terre’Blanche,

There’s one in every town;

I’m fond of dressing up like the Ku Klux Klan,

In a pointed hat and gown.

 

Eugene Terre’Blanche,

I am a crashing Boer;

Before we cede power to the ANC,

We’ll fight a civil war.

 

Well, the Nationalist Party is much too soft,

I think they’re Botha jerk,

But I’d still sooner have to take my Pik,

Than F.W. de Klerk.

 

2nd MAIN BIT

 

White Meneer-black Kaffir, whites vote-blacks don’t, Afrikaner-Bantu, hate blacks and Jews:-

Eugene Terre’Blanche,

They say that I’m like Himmler;

I haven’t yet caused as much violence as him,

But our accents sound quite similar.

 

Eugene Terre’Blanche,

I’m the baas laager lout;

We’re gonna cause trouble in the RSA,

Until we get thrown out.

 

Eugene Terre’Blanche,

I’m just a big fat git;

I’d like to end this song on a profound note,

But I’m afraid that’s it.

 

Click here or below for the Ian Dury and the Blockheads version.

 

Come Back Labour, NewsRevue Lyric, 18 July 1992

I remember so clearly having a drink with this super cast; Jonathan Linsley, Dot Atkinson, Vanessa Peers and a spindly chap (was he named Paul?…update – no, he was named Peter Anthony Graham) who did Mick Jagger very well. Paula Tappenden was directing. The wonderful Dai Jenkins was the MD.

I asked them if they had any special requests.

Peter Anthony Graham aka “Spindly chap” wanted to sing a doo-wap song.

The girls wondered whether I could make a really taboo subject such as cancer amusing.

That weekend I attempted both. Only one worked.

This one worked and ran in the show for quite some time. I still like the song, although the line about John Smith possibly having a dicky heart went off as soon as he did actually have a massive heart attack and die. Kinda spoilt the joke.

COME BACK LABOUR

(To the Tune of “Come Back My Love”)

(You’ll have to supply most of the “do-wops” yourselves)

 

(John Smith is reading a boring speech about Labour Party policy – all the others are fidgeting and looking intensely uncomfortable)

 

SMITH:….once we’ve controlled unemployment, then we can concentrate on inflation and the balance of trade.

 

Clause Four of the Labour Party constitution has for many years been a vital issue……..

 

KINNOCK:John, for crying out loud.  This isn’t what Labour needs.  The people need a rallying cry to bring them back to the party.  A new vision, a new voice, a new tune.

 

SMITH:Och, Neil, maybe you’re right.

 

INTRO – JOHN SMITH ON LEAD VOCALS

Woh, oh, oh;

Come back Labour, don’t fade away,

Come back voters, come back to stay;

It’s our darkest hour, been so long without power,

We need to win so badly:

 

Wop {do,do,do} do de wang {do,do,do} do de wop, do de wang, do de wop.

 

CHORUS 1 – OTHER SINGERS START TAKING OVER (TO JOHN’S ANNOYANCE)

Oh won’t you come back Labour, don’t fade away,

We need new ideas, we need to pray;

We bicker too much and when we have a putsch,

The Liberals look happy.

 

Jim Callaghan, he was a man,

The British voters just couldn’t stand,

We failed in the South, put our Foot in our mouth,

And lost even more badly.

 

MIDDLE BIT 1 – JOHN IS BEING UPSTAGED

Now every party makes, some mistakes, in its choice of leader,

But Labour has a knack for, choosing an unelectable bleeder,

{Wo-ah, wo-ah, wo-ah}

 

CHORUS 2

Come back Wilson, whatcha leave for?

We last won elections in ’74,

We’ve floundered so much, we need your winning touch,

Cos since we’ve done so badly.

 

INSTRUMENTAL WITH LOTS OF “WOP A DO WOPS” AND THAT SORT OF THING

JOHN SMITH:Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce:

Neil Kinnock on keyboards,

Margaret Beckett on do-dos,

Harriet Harman on wop-bops,

David Blunkett on eye-drops,

And me, John Smith, on (pointedly) lead vocals.

 

MIDDLE BIT 2 – JOHN SMITH IS BRIEFLY BACK ON LEAD VOCALS

The papers spread the myth, that John Smith, isn’t up to the fast pace,

But in the Labour Party, they know that my heart is in the right place,

{CHORUS: and beating.}

 

CHORUS 3 – BUT IT WAS FUTILE, JOHN IS MARGINALISED AGAIN

Come back Kinnock, don’t go away,

We want you back, we want you to stay,

We all liked your style, tho’ you lost every while;

We’re used to doing badly,

{KINNOCK:Re-re-re-really?}

We keep on doing sadly,

{KINNOCK:You mean it?}

We want to win so badly.

 

OUTRO

KINNOCK:Oh, I can make one of my rabble rousing speeches, like the one in Sheffield.

ALL:Perhaps we’d better stick with John Smith for a while.

Here are Darts singing Come Back My Love.

…and the lyrics can be found here.

Lumps, Attempted NewsRevue Lyric (Mercifully Unused), 18 July 1992

I remember so clearly having a drink with this super cast; Jonathan Linsley, Dot Atkinson, Vanessa Peers and a spindly chap (was he named Paul?…no, Peter Anthony Graham) who did Mick Jagger very well. Paula Tappenden was directing.

I asked them if they had any special requests.

Peter (aka “spindly chap”) wanted to sing a doo-wap song.

The girls wondered whether I could make a really taboo subject such as cancer amusing.

That weekend I attempted both. Only one worked.

Lumps, the cancer song, didn’t work. Nor (mercifully) did the team use it, despite having requested it.

I tried.

I’D A LUMP IN MY GUT

(To the Tune of “You’re the One That I Want”)

 

VERSE 1 – HIS HOLINESS

I’ve got cells, they’re multiplying,

May be losing my bowel;

Cos the pain the lumps applying,

Its intensifying {Its intensifying, its intensifying, its intensifying}.

 

VERSE 1 – OLIVIA

You’d better shape up, cos we need a Pope, with a healthy intestine;

You’d better shape up, if you’re gonna cope, the growth better be benign;

 

CHORUS 1 – BACK TO HIS HOLINESS

Yes it is, the prognosis is divine.

I’d a lump in my gut, {how big’s the lump you’ve got?}, Oooh, ooh, ooh, sister;

Like a small coconut, {where did it hurt a lot?}, Oooh, ooh, ooh, brother;

Like a pain in the butt; {he has a lot of pluck}, Oooh, ooh, ooh,

That neoplasm, had me in spasm.

 

VERSE 2 – OLIVIA (COMING ON A BIT STRONG WITH HIS HOLINESS)

Keep abreast of the tabloids,

They’d go bust for a rumour;

‘Bout the state of my mam’roids,

Pap tumour.

 

VERSE 2 – HIS HOLINESS (SLIGHTLY OUT OF CHARACTER I FEEL)

You’d better shape up, Miss Olivia, cos you’re well known for your bust,

I’d better shut up, cos my own career, will be over if I lust,

{OLIVIA:Are you sure?}Yes, abstention is a must.

 

CHORUS 2 – OLIVIA

Now the one on the left, {look at the udder one}, is a lot bigger,

Than the one on the right, {titter at nipple puns}, which is much smaller,

Than the one on the left, {I read it in the Sun}, Ooh, ooh ,ooh;

It’s not neurosis, it’s carcinosis.

 

Now my tit has gone bust, {cancer’s a lot of fun}, ooh, ooh, ooh,

STOP (The music and dancing stops) – I can’t go on singing this pap:

It brings a lump to my throat.

 

(Looks of horror on the other faces and then quickly BLACKOUT)

Here is the video of You’re The One That I Want from Grease:

...and here are the lyrics.