Tag: John Cowen

Paisley and Adams, Topical Lyric, 18 June 1996

This is a sour comedy song really, about Northern Ireland politics.  But in 1996 peace seemed potentially within striking distance and yet illusive.  This did OK in NewsRevue, if I remember correctly, but not as well as others on the subject.

The tune is Father and Son by Cat Stevens – click here or below for a YouTube link with that song and its original lyrics.

Was it John Cowan who wrote a great “Addams Family” parody for this subject?  I remember something by John Random about the Orangemen marching that almost had me falling off my chair with laughter.

Still, this one of mine isn’t bad:

♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬

♬ PAISLEY AND ADAMS (To the Tune of “Father & Son”) ♬

VERSE 1 – THE REVEREND DOCTOR IAN PAISLEY (BELLOWING)

It’s not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy;
You’ve got bombs, that’s your fault,
There’s so much we’ve had to go through;
Find a girl, live in peace,
Burn in hell if she’s a Catholic;
Look at me, I am mad,
But I’m happy!!!

VERSE 2 – GERRY ADAMS (MUCH CALMER)

I was once like you are now,
And I know that it’s not easy,
To make peace when there’s still some bombs going off;
So take your time, think a lot,
Think of Paddy Mayhew’s snot;
That prick will still be here tomorrow,
Though your legs may not.

VERSE 3 – BOTH

PAISLEY: (still bellowing) How can I try to explain,
What I’d do to Gerry and Sinn Fein,
It’s always been the same, with these Tories;
From the moment I could shout,

ADAMS: I was ordered to listen,
IRA, now I know,
That my peace was blown away;
I know, the peace is blown.

I wrote an update 22 July 1997 which I think revived this one for a while:

PAISLEY AND ADAMS 1997 VERSION
(To the Tune of “Father & Son”)

 

VERSE 1 – THE REVEREND DOCTOR IAN PAISLEY (BELLOWING)

It’s not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy;
You’ve got bombs, that’s your fault,
There’s so much we’ve had to go through;
Find a girl, live in peace,
Burn in hell if she’s a Catholic;
Look at me, I am mad,
But I’m happy!!!

VERSE 2 – GERRY ADAMS (MUCH CALMER)

I was once like you are now,
And I know that it’s not easy,
To make peace when there’s still some bombs going off;
So take your time, think a lot,
Think of Maureen Mowlem’s twat;
That bitch will still be here tomorrow,
Though your legs may not.

VERSE 3 – BOTH

PAISLEY: (still bellowing) How can I try to explain,
What I’d do to Gerry and Sinn Fein,
It’s always been the same, since those Tories;
From the moment I could shout,

ADAMS: I was ordered to listen,
IRA, now I know,
That my peace will blow away;

BOTH We know, the peace is blown.

 

Letter/Fax To Jo Sandelson With Several Songs Attached, 19 December 1995

John Cowen and I had been introduced to the cartoonist Jo Sandelson (not sure by whom), with a view to collaboration over our “Metaphors For The Millennium” project, which withered on the vine/never happened. Private Eye much later introduced a “new/old sayings” idea along very similar lines; it still runs occasionally. Oh well.

Anyway, Jo was delightful and very hospitable. I tried to reciprocate with songs for her charitable Christmas activities.

Oscar Wilde is believed to have said that “the trouble with Socialism is that it takes too many evenings.”

When I think about pleasant evenings of the 18 December 1995 kind, I’d argue that the trouble with comedy is that we don’t spend enough evenings in each other’s company.

The lack of “Metaphors” did not seem to hold Jo back – it seems that she’s still  going strong at www.josandelson.com at the time of writing this (March 2017) – click here.

Jo Sandelson                              19 December 1995

(Putney address redacted)

Dear Jo

PICTURES AND SONGS

It was a pleasure to meet you last night. John and I both enjoyed the meeting and hope you did too. Has visual inspiration struck yet??

As promised, I attach some songs which might suit your festive gig for Crisis. Please feel free to use any/all/none of them at the handsome fee of “square root of diddly-squat”. If there are other subjects which you feel would be more appropriate, give me a call and I’ll see what I have – there are several hundred of these wretched things on my files now (most hopelessly out of date).

I apologise for the delay in faxing these to you, but I have been running around like an idiot from crack of dawn until late evening today and didn’t want to risk disturbing your slumbers by faxing late at night.

As we say in the Mets world; “nothing is certain but messed up faxes” so do call if this stuff doesn’t come through perfectly well first time. Basically I plan to be at home all day today (famous last words).

Thanks once again for your hospitality and happy holidays. I look forward to hearing from you and meeting you again in due course.

Yours sincerely

If by any chance there are NewsRevue lyric fans out there wondering which of my lyrics I faxed to Jo that day, the answer is:

  • Christmas Song – Version 2;
  • Closed To You;
  • Domestic Fuel;
  • Old Boys;
  • There’s No Business;
  • VE Day Medley;
  • I’ll Never Find Another Job;
  • Better Face.

John Random NewsRevue Pre-Run Letter, 26 February 1995

This looked all neat and tidy with an Amipro table at the end of it; the best I can do now is to turn the table into a list of submissions.

But you’ll get the idea.

I was getting into co-writing a bit at that time; a couple on this submission – never worked quite as well as I’d hoped it would.

John Random was quite regularly directing runs in those days; perhaps one a year or more. John will know.

John Random
News Revue

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
MARCH-APRIL 1995 RUN

Dear John

This starter pack consists of songs currently in the show but mainly previously unperformed ones. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.

Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape

Aprox. No. of weeks performed: 7+ 4-6 1-3 New

have i the right (co-written with John Cowen)/have i the right/honeycombs – New

i’ll never find another job/i’ll never find another you/seekers – New

privatise/bright eyes/art garfunkle – 4-6

the peanut farmer/the peanut vendor/alvin “snake eyes” tyler – New

tory rebel (co-written with d a barham)/ rebel rebel/david bowie – New

gillian shepherd/jennifer eccles/hollies – New

oj’s girl/bobby’s girl/marcie blaine – 1-3

why do you want to break our ties with clause 4?/what do you want make those eyes at me for?/emile ford and the checkmates – 1-3

veal meat again we’ll meet again/vera lynn – 4-6

Have I The Right, Regrettably Unused NewsRevue Song, 12 February 1995

I can usually tell now why songs were unused, but some were most unjustly overlooked…like this one.

Perhaps a bit too much going on in one item? Still, pearls before swine, were some of these lyrics. Ian Paisley singing “come right back to 1690” should have been performed.

I co-wrote this one with John Cowen. Perhaps that explains why so much is going on in one lyric.

John Random might choose to explain why this one was unused, as it transpires it was submitted to him.

HAVE I THE RIGHT
(To the Tune of “Have I The Right?”)
VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR

Have I the right behind me?
Or will the rebels gag and bind me,
Will Tebitt ever ever stop;
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh.
Have I the right invectives,
Bastard and dimwit are ineffective,
So I might soon be for the chop.
(Sing along now, entourage, yes, both of you)

CHORUS 1 – JOHN MAJOR & HIS ENTOURAGE

Come right back, you Eurosceptics,
You’re loud and mad and you’re apoplectic,
Come right back, to 32 Smith Square (oh yeh);
Come right back, rejoin our party,
Or we’ll get Blair and his arty-fartys,
Slick right back like Mike Portillo’s hair (oh yeh).

VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR

Have I the right wing morons?
The Teddy Taylors and Theresa Gormans,
I wish that I was reassured,
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh.
Have I the Ulster crazies?
The Molyneauxs and the Ian Paisley’s,
They’re angry with my peace accord;

CHORUS 2 – IAN PAISLEY

Come right back to 1690,
We won at Boyne and we’re part of Blighty,
Come right back to Ulster Union (oh yus);
Come right back, to times medieval,
Talks with the Irish are a damn-ed evil,
Come far right or you will soon be gone, (oh yus), (JOHN MAJOR: Oh no)
ALL: Soon be gone, oh yeh, (JOHN MAJOR: Oh no)
Soon be gone.

If you want to hear the Honeycombs and see their lyrics, click below.