Ode To Eurosceptics, Topical Lyric, 18 June 1996

I think this quickie song worked well as a companion piece to sketches about Euroscepticism in NewsRevue back in 1996.  The cast of idiots might have changed, but writing now nearly 20 years later (December 2015) and this subject is pretty high on the Tory agenda and indeed the national agenda with a referendum promised.

Here is a link to the words of “Ode To Joy”, both in German and English.

Click the link here or below to a YouTube of the tune, Ode To Joy, from the last movement of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony.

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♬ ODE TO EUROSCEPTICS (To the Tune of “Ode To Joy”) ♬

CHORUS – MP’s

ALL: At Westminster in the commons,
Tossed out of the cabinet;
Wasting power with John Major,
Seen our chance of grabbing it.
BLOKES: We’re both Normans,
GIRL 1: Teresa Gorman,
GIRL 2: Bill Cash without his testicles;
ALL: (So) we shall beef all through the summer,
We are Eurosceptical.

ALL: Storm the polls with,
Old Jimmy Goldsmith;
Tell Major where to stick his whips;
(We’ll) bore you shitless ’til next Christmas,
We are Euroscepticists.

I Cannot Run The Government, NewsRevue Lyric, 4 April 1994

25 years ago (as I write in April 2019), we had a Tory government hopelessly split over Europe, a Prime Minister in John Major who seemed to be hanging onto his job by a thread and cruel economic winds blowing through the UK economy.

Jacques Delors was President of the European Commission. Ken Clarke was Chancellor of the Exchequer, [Douglas] Hurd was Foreign Secretary.

Virginia Bottomley was the Health Secretary at that time. I gave her the lyrics treatment several times, most effectively in You Can’t Hurry Trusts:

Michael Heseltine (Hezza) was Trade and Industry Secretary. Rhyming with his name was central to one of another of my long-runners; I’ll Never Find Another Job:

Coincidentally, Janie and I saw Hezza at a Pepys-themed concert at the Wigmore Hall only last week, as I write:

But returning to April 1994, here’s the little lyric I wrote about the pathetic government of the time…which seems just a little less pathetic now, comparatively speaking:

_ I CANNOT RUN THE GOVERNMENT _

(To the Tune of "I'll Never Fall In Love Again")

VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR

What do you get when you reach the top?
A cabinet full of folk who hate yer,
Whatever you do they’ll all berate yer;
I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.

VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR

What do you get when you meet Delors?
A larger block vote with no concessions,
Subsidise Frog and Kraut recessions;
I’ll never fall in line again, with Michael Hestletine again.

MIDDLE EIGHT 1 – JOHN MAJOR AND CHORUS OF TORIES

CHORUS:Don’t tell us what it’s all about,
Cos Major’s in and we’ll chuck him out;
MAJOR:What would Ken Clarke or Hestletine do,
To get us out of deep deep swine do?

VERSE 3 – CHORUS OF TORIES

What do we read in opinion polls?
A Nation that says it hates John Major,
Careerist MPs will all upstage yer,
John cannot run a cabinet, John cannot run a cabinet.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2 – JOHN MAJOR AND CHORUS OF TORIES

MAJOR:Don’t tell me that you’ll throw me out,
Cos Tory voters are racked with doubt;
CHORUS:We’d prefer Hurd or Gini Bottomley,
MAJOR:You bastards need a frontal lobotomy.

VERSE 3 – ALL THE TORIES

What do you get when your leader falls?
Another arsehole with no direction;
But still we should win the next election,
You’re bound to vote us in again,
(God knows why but) you’re bound to vote us in again.

As it happens, the public didn’t vote them in again, but it did take three more years before they got the boot. Just before they got the boot in May 1997, I wrote this update of the above lyric, which got the piece a revival in NewsRevue.

I CANNOT RUN THE GOVERNMENT – 1997 REMIX
(To the Tune of “I’ll Never Fall In Love Again”)
 
VERSE 1
What do you get when you reach the top?
A cabinet full of folk who hate yer,
Whatever you do they’ll all berate yer;
I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.

MIDDLE EIGHT
Don’t tell me that you’ll throw me out,
Cos Tory voters are racked with doubt;
Some folks say we’re unelectable,
Even though we’re Eurosceptical..

VERSE 2
What do we read in opinion polls?
A Nation that says it hates John Major,
Careerist MPs will all upstage yer,
I cannot run the Government, I cannot run the Government.

Below is a video of Dionne Warwick singing I’ll Never Fall In Love Again with the lyrics on the screen:

Johnny Leads Hopelessly, NewsRevue Lyric, 30 January 1994

I don’t think this lyric was used. I had loads in the show at that time, not least plenty of John Major material. Frankly, I think the others that were used were probably better. But a few decent ideas in this one.

The disaster song genre seemed appropriate at that time…

…retro-writing in the spring of 2019, that disaster genre would be good for our current times too.

                                              _ JOHNNY LEADS HOPELESSLY _

                                   (To the Tune of “Johnny Remember Me”)
 
VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR
 
{Ah, ah, ah-oh}
When the press is prying and the smears are flowing,
And the daily papers are full of innuendo; {oh-oh}
I’m castigated by Norman,
The Chancellor that I sacked a year ago. {oh-oh}
 
CHORUS 1 – NORMAN LAMONT
 
Johnny leads hopelessly.
 
VERSE 2 – JOHN MAJOR
 
Well it’s hard to believe, I know,
But he’s still so tactless when he talks to the press;
‘Specially if they feed him, {oh-oh}
And get him legless. {oh-oh}
 
CHORUS 2 – NORMAN LAMONT
 
(Now sounding quite drunk) (hic) – Johnny leads hopelessly.
(Then coming to a little) But, now I can remember,
Ginny Dougary, made a buggery -(hic);
Ginny, misquoted me.
{GINNY:oh-no, oh-no, that’s what he said to me}
 
VERSE 3 – JOHN MAJOR
 
Well I’m glad, I guess, I found myself, another Chancellor,
To take the place of that juice head;
But as long as I live I know, Norman will be loitering around in the House,
Feeling like a leper, and buying booze at Threshers;
 
CHORUS 3
 
NORMAN (soaked):(hic) Johnny remembers me,
JOHNNY:Yes, I’ll always remember;
Your skulduggery,
NORMAN (soused):(hic) Oh bugger me,
Johnny dismembered me (hic).
(Norman passes out and is dragged off by chorus {Johnny, dismembered him})

Below is John Leyton singing Johnny Remember Me:

Click here to read the lyric of Johnny Remember Me.

Deny Every Mounting, NewsRevue Lyric, 30 January 1994

This one did well in NewsRevue at that time – another lyric that fed off the rather ill-timed Tory “back to basics” campaign.

There’s nothing like a Sound Of Music tune to help make a satirical lyric work in the show.

                                                 _ DENY EV’RY MOUNTING _

                                   (To the Tune of “Climb Ev’ry Mountain”)
 
VERSE 1
 
Deny ev’ry mounting,
Avoid ev’ry scene;
Watch out behind you,
You know what I mean.
 
VERSE 2
 
Defy ev’ry outing,
Claim that you’re straight;
Smear and innuendo,
Refute in middle eight.
 
MIDDLE EIGHT – JOHN MAJOR (POSSIBLY VOICE OVER)
 
These smears that you read,
Ev’ry day in the press;
Are like cervical smears,
They are quite meaningless.
 
VERSE 3 – FINALE
 
Chide Ev’ry Statesman,
Make Tories cower;
Weak and hopeless leaders,
Will soon fall from power.

Below is a video with Peggy Wood singing Climb Every Mountain with the lyrics on the screen:

Get Back To Basics, NewsRevue Lyric And Ben Murphy Recording, 2 January 1994

Prime Minister John Major’s “Back To Basics” campaign was the gift that kept on giving to comedy folk like me back then.

This lyric almost wrote itself and ran in NewsRevue a lot in 1994.


                                                      _ GET BACK TO BASICS _


                                           (To the Tune of “Get Back”)
 
VERSE 1
 
Major was a man who thought he was a leader,
But he knew it wouldn’t last;
Major was a feeble ineffective bleeder,
Borrowed slogans from the past.
 
CHORUS 1
 
MAJOR:Get back, get back, get back to basics once again;
Get back, get back, Victorians were real men;
Get back to basics!! (Trollop)
 
VERSE 2
 
Yeo Yeo was a man who hated single mothers,
Tho he was a single dad;
Yeo Yeo thought that morals just applied to others,
Others thought that Yeo was mad.
 
CHORUS 2
 
MAJOR:Get back, get back, get back on the backbench again;
You lack, you lack, the morals on which we depend;
Get back, backbencher! (you trollop)
 
VERSE 3
 
Tory was a party hated indiscretion,
Didn’t like the way it looks;
Major gave the public a distinct impression,
With the House of Commons cooks.
 
CHORUS 3
 
Set back, set back, set back to Tories once again;
Lets sack, lets sack, the hypocrite at number ten.
 
MAJOR:Get back to basics
ALL:Basically you’re crap
MAJOR:Oh bollocks.

Below is Ben Murphy’s recording of Get Back To basics:

Click here for a link to the Beatles singing Get Back with lyrics on the screen. The embedded vid below doesn’t have the lyrics.

In February 1994 I replaced Verse 3 et. seq. with the following:

VERSE 3
 
MAJOR:Stephen was a sad sack with no contaception,
Never had a furtive shag;
CHORUS:Stephen it appears preferred his own erection,
With a flex and plastic bag.
 
CHORUS 3
 
Get back, get back, get back to Playtex once again,
Get black, get black, get black suspenders on your men;
Set back, set back, set back to Tories once again;
Lets sack, lets sack, the hypocrite at number ten.
 
And lets hear it for Hartley Booth, the easy lay preacher:
Amen.

Johnny Maggie, NewsRevue Lyric, 19 September 1993

Some good lines in this one but I have a feeling it wasn’t used. I had plenty in the show at that time and perhaps this wasn’t my strongest political lyric when taken as a whole.

JOHNNY MAGGIE _

(To the Tune of “Johnny Reggae”)
 
INTRO
 
CHORUS:What’s he like Margaret?
MAGGIE:He’s a real dreary geezer.
 
VERSE 1 – MAGGIE THATCHER
 
He’s going bald a bit and he’s been in power much too long;
And he wears a nylon tie with the label “C&A” on;
He always makes a cock up when decisions cross his path,
He’s stupid over cricket,
And he couldn’t run a bath.
 
CHORUS 1 – CHORUS
 
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie,
Slag off Johnny Maggie,
Johnny Major Maggie,
Lay it on him;
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie,
In your memoirs Maggie,
Slag off Johnny Maggie,
Blame it on him.
 
VERSE 2 – JOHNNY MAJOR
 
While still in power she promised she would go on and on;
And most of Maggie’s memoirs are like a dose of Mogadon;
Her publishers were anxious cos they want a best seller;
They told her “spice it up a bit,
Slag off that Major fellah.”
 
CHORUS 2 – CHORUS
 
Maggie is a menace,
She slurs more than Dennis,
Her book shook John then it’s
Hit the stalls;
Johnny tried to cage her,
But he can’t upstage her,
Maggie’s got John Major by the balls!!!

Below is a video of The Piglets singing Johnny Reggae:

Here is a link to the lyrics of Johnny Reggae.

Who Do You Talk To, John Major?, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 July 1993

I don’t remember this one being used in NewsRevue, but neither do I recall it being rejected.

There were lots of songs and sketches about the Prime Minister at that time though and I’m not convinced this was among the best of them. One or two good lines, though.

WHO DO YOU TALK TO JOHN MAJOR


(A Quickie To the Tune of “Where Do You Go To My Lovely”)
 
VERSE 1
 
You talk like one of the Daleks,
And you dance like Coco the Clown;
Your clothes are from Marks and Spencer,
And you’ll soon bring this Government down;
(Yes you will).
 
VERSE 2
 
You live in a Georgian Terrace,
Down in Whitehall’s Downing Street;
And although you’ve been leader for ages,
You still haven’t quite found your feet;
(Or your brains or your balls).
 
CHORUS
 
Who do you talk to John Major,
When your recorder is off?
Swear when reporters surround you,
And then why don’t you just piss off.

Below is a video of Peter Sarstedt singing Where Do You Go To My Lovely with the lyrics on the screen:

I’m The Leader Of the Tory Gang, NewsRevue Lyric, 28 June 1993

I must have had glam rock on the brain that summer, as my previous “piece”, a week or so earlier, was also glam:

Anyway, here is the Tory Gang lyric, which I don’t think was used, but it might have been – I’m realising from my submission sheets that quite a lot of lyrics that I don’t recall seeing used actually were used.

Postscript: yes, this one was used as evidenced by the next submission sheet.

I’M THE LEADER OF THE TORY GANG

(To the Tune of “I’m the Leader of the Gang I Am”)
 
INTRO (The Chorus come on to the stage – John Major Doesn’t)
 
VOICEOVER: And now the Prime Minister, John Major, will come on to explain his new decisive policy towards ministerial appointments and dismissals.
 
CHORUS:Come on come on, come on come on, come on come on come on;
MAJOR:No way.
CHORUS:Come on come on, come on come on, come on come on come on;
MAJOR:(Enters) Oh all right;
 
MAIN BIT (The voice is Major, the visual is “Glitterati”)
 
MAJOR:I’m gonna stand beside you, guide you chide you;
I’m gonna stand beside you;
CHORUS:Oh no!
MAJOR:Although I tried to guard you, far too hard to;
And so I shall discard you…. (oh yes)
I’m the leader, and the weeder,
I’m the leader of the Tory gang;
I’m the leader and the media,
Says my conscience never feels a pang.
 
MIDDLE BIT
 
MAJOR:I can hire you, show me your flair, no one calls me square;
I can fire you, I have no soul, soon your head may roll.
I shuffled out Norman,
CHORUS:Lamont Lamont;
MAJOR:And may throw out more men,
CHORUS:You won’t you won’t;
MAJOR:So now I’m not boring
CHORUS:You are you are.
 
CLIMAX (the Chorus moves in on Major)
 
MAJOR: Ja wanna be a Tory gory story,
Or are you after glory?
CHORUS:Oh yes.
MAJOR:Why are you getting nearer, steer-a, clearer,
You’re making me feel queerer;
CHORUS:Oh yes.
MAJOR:Why don’t you three go draft a, dafter, charter?
Just tell me what you’re after,
CHORUS:RESIGN!!
 

Trigger warning: The song “I’m The Leader Of The Gang (I Am!)” was a big hit for Gary Glitter, later thoroughly disgraced as a child abuser. But in 1973 he was top of the pops. You don’t have to click the video if you don’t want to; I cannot really watch this material any more:

You can read the lyrics of “I’m The Leader Of the Gang (I Am!) by clicking here.

Better The Leader You Know, NewsRevue Lyric, 16 May 1993

This is not one of my better lyrics and I’m pretty sure it never made the show.

                                           BETTER THE LEADER YOU KNOW

                                    (To the Tune of “Better The Devil You Know”)
 
WOGANESQUE VOICE:Good evening and welcome to the Eurotory leadership contest.  The UK jury is definitely out tonight as we go over now to hear this year’s losing entry by the UK Tory Party.
 
VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR
 
One thing about those Tory blues,
They rarely treat their leaders true;
When I do something not quite right,
They’re round with long knives in the night.
It is a chore to be PM,
But the job’s mine and not for them.
 
CHORUS 1 – STILL JOHN MAJOR
 
Better the leader you know than the leader you don’t,
Oh yes, oh yes,
I can buy a little time by sacking Lamont,
Oh yes oh yes;
Better the leader you know than the leader you don’t.
 
VERSE 2 – MAGGIE THATCHER
 
I tell him he’s a wally almost every day,
I’m out of my head or so the brain shrinks say;
He wont assert himself like the real Tory men,
He’s got the key to my place, meaning Number 10.
You know I’ve more spunk than those men,
We’ll junk John then I’ll run again.
 
CHORUS 2 – MAGGIE THATCHER
 
Better the leader you know than the leader you don’t,
Ah ha, ah ha,
I can cause a lot of fuss while these new Tories wont,
Ah ha, ah ha.
 
OUTRO
 
MAJOR:Don’t chose Portillo,
THATCHER:Or Hestletine;
BOTH:No peccadillos, that job is mine.
Better the leader,
Better the leader you know than the leader you don’t. 

The above lyrics work to the tune of Better The Devil You Know, which was the UK’s Eurovision entry in 1993. Decide for yourselves whether my lyric or the Eurovision song is more dreadful: