Ultimate Love and Happy Tories, Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Dinner, Café Rouge Holborn, 3 March 2017

NewsRevue’s 2004 Guinness World Record for being the World’s Longest Running Live Comedy Show – Gerry Goddin far left, Barry Grossman back left, a wide-eyed me front right

NewsRevue goes back all the way to 1979. When the show turned 25, in 2004, it was awarded the Guinness World Record for being the World’s Longest Running Live Comedy Show. I was there. I’d been there since 1992. This year my involvement with the show turns 25.

Those of us who wrote for the show in the 1990s still gather a few times a year for Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Dinners.

Earlier this week, coincidentally, I played real tennis with Chris Stanton (another NewsRevue alum, in his case a performer) at Lord’s. Chris was reminiscing with me about the show, not least because he was rummaging through his old files and found many complete runs of scripts from “our era”, which he was planning to shred. I think John Random might rescue them for posterity.

Chris then gave me a pretty-much word perfect rendering of Brian Jordan’s wonderful Arthur Scargill song, to the tune of My Guy. As John Random later reminisced:

He may not be to everyone’s liking/But as a union leader, he’s striking.

Hearing about Brian Jordan reminded me of my first big hit; The Ultimate Love Song, which Brian made his own for a while and took to Edinburgh (my material’s debut there) in his show “Whoops Vicar Is That Your Dick?”  I am so proud to have had my Edinburgh debut in a show with that name.

After seeing Chris, I looked at my file and realised that The Ultimate Love Song turns 25 this week; I copyrighted it 29 February 1992…so perhaps it turns six-and-a-quarter. Anyway, it seemed right to mention it at the Ivan Shakespeare and I was badgered into giving a quick rendering, as much as I could remember.

I have now upped The Ultimate Love Song in its entirety – together with the tale of its early use – here’s the link again.

Here is a link to Ben Murphy’s rendering of The Ultimate Love Song from 1993.

Mark Keagan was at the Ivan Shakespeare dinner; he’s one of the more regular attendees. He mentioned that his father-in-law and former home secretary, David Waddington, sadly passed away last week. Which reminded me that I did once write a song with a verse about Waddington; again nearly 25 years ago. We all (Mark included) agreed that the song might come in handy for him over the coming weeks…well you never know…so I have upped that one too. Happy Tories it is called – also about Maggie Thatcher and Chris Patten – click here.

Below is a picture of John Random and Mark Keagan from the previous Ivan Shakespeare dinner.

Mark was awarded the 2016 trophy, but should he have been? Rumour has it that John might have been handed the wrong envelope…

Gerry Goddin and John both produced quizzes. Gerry’s was infernal as usual; I did well at first but tailed off at the end, letting Barry Grossman take the honours at the line. John’s was suitably silly and superficial for my mood – a small collection of “shock and awe” pun headlines to unfathom. Perhaps naturally, I won that quiz.

As always it was good to see the gang – a slightly depleted gathering this time but at least when that happens you get a chance to have a proper chat with everyone.

A Miscellaneous, Mostly Middlesex, Day At Lord’s, 7 April 2016

I’m using some of my own time to help Middlesex CCC with its strategic planning. Richard Goatley, the new Chief Executive thought that AGM day would be a good opportunity to see lots of people, so I blocked out the whole day for Lord’s, starting there at 9:30, after clearing my e-mails and going to the gym.

I could describe the detailed conversations that morning with the MCC and ECB, but they are probably covered by the “I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you” protocol. (Unless you, dear reader, are Richard Goatley himself, in which case you wouldn’t need to read it here because you already have notes.)

After a pleasant lunch in The Lord’s Tavern, which Richard spent mostly signing forms for Dawid Malan, we met with Martin Hadland. Martin is doing a closely related piece of work around membership satisfaction and finding ways to boost membership. We went through the results of a members survey and discussed his impending focus groups with members. It all looks very well done so far and promises interesting ideas for improving the membership propositions.

I then had a pesky 90 minutes or so interval before the AGM. I had been expecting that interval, so had brought some reading matter with me. I went to the real tennis dedans viewing gallery. I shall eventually write up my new experience of learning to play real tennis. Suffice it to say here that I thought that I’d both get some reading done and also get my head into the game a little more.

I watched some very good players locked into a tight match. Then, just before 17:00, in walks a familiar face; Chris Stanton. He was in John Random’s Spring 1992 NewsRevue cast and was the lead performer on the first songs of mine that were ever performed there, two of which I have today blogged in honour of the chance encounter:

Chris and I had a very pleasant but brief chat, as his opponent turned up shortly after. I watched Chris play for a while, then left the viewing gallery to whizz through my e-mails before going to the meeting. Strangely, John Random had e-mailed one of his “Where Are They Now” messages to his NewsRevue alumni circle earlier in the day (Sarah Moyle spotted on the TV), so I e-mailed back to let everyone know that I had just seen Chris Stanton face-to-face!

Doubly ironic happenings, as real tennis is such a weird game, the rules could easily have emanated from a John Random sketch describing a fictitious game of John’s imagining. Richard Goatley doesn’t even believe that the game exists, despite the proximity of the Lord’s real tennis court to Richard’s office – like, next door!

I subsequently received the following missive from Random:

What a great idea. Real tennis is presumably the one where you don’t use the same prescriptions as Maria Sharapova.


My reply:

Absolutely not the same meds as Maria – she took Meldonium.  The performance enhancing drug of choice for real tennis is Sanatogen.

As a novice, I am sometimes asked to play with some of the more senior members – one pair I was up against when learning doubles had a combined age of around 178 and they are determined to still be playing next year as the world’s first ever nonagenarian tennis pair. Their secret simply has to be Sanatogen.

Next stop, the AGM. The formal part is covered by the aforementioned “I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you” protocol. Believe me, the substance of a Middlesex AGM is not worth dying for, nor even worth the effort to attend were it not for the subsequent elements to the evening.

Suffice it to say that new Chair, Mike O’Farrell, while not as funny as outgoing Chair, Ian Lovett, ran a tight ship for the AGM, getting through the meeting with all business thoroughly covered and in record time. One type of gem replacing another type of gem in the chair; that’s my view.

The AGM is always followed by a very interesting pre-season forum; this year Angus Fraser, Dawid Malan and Richard Scott joined Richard Goatley on the panel for a very interesting discussion about cricket. Apparently Middlesex is a cricket club. I wish I’d realised that when I started work on the Middlesex strategy. Oh well.

Then a very enjoyable party for those members willing to stump up an ayrton for wine, cheese and a convivial opportunity to catch up with friends, grandees and friendly grandees. After the party, the conviviality was set to continue in the Tavern. Tired, I attempted to make my apologies, keen not to become both tired AND emotional. I explained that the metaphorical umpire’s finger had been raised, so I had no option but to go. It is very hard for cricket lovers to object to you going, when you put it like that.

A fruitful day, a lovely chance encounter and a most enjoyable evening.


Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Dinner, Café Rouge Holborn, 4 June 2015

A first time for the Ivan Shakespeare memorial dinner crowd at a new venue, which seems at the time of writing (January 2017) to be our gathering’s new home. John Random circulated us a couple of weeks before:

In response to popular request I have taken the decision to change the venue to the Cafe Rouge at 77 Kingsway.

I have explained the background to Ivan Shakespeare memorial dinners sufficiently elsewhere – e.g. click here and look at the second of the three events.

I don’t remember a great deal about this June 2015 gathering in particular. After the event John wrote:

I believe I speak for all when I say that the new venue (Cafe Rouge, Kingsway) was well-liked, so all being well, we’ll be going there again some time in the early autumn…

…I would also like to thank Gerry, Mark and Colin for their quizzes.

A three quiz evening. That’s big.


Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Dinner, Pizza Express Charlotte Street , 19 February 2015

I think I have explained the background to Ivan Shakespeare memorial dinners sufficiently elsewhere – e.g. click here and look at the second of the three events.

I’m pretty sure we were still going to the now defunct Café Rouge in Maida Vale the previous autumn and I missed the 2014 Christmas bash, which had been a bit shambolic by all accounts, ending up in Pizza Express Charlotte Street.

This February evening was therefore my one and only visit to that Pizza Express.

My post evening note to John Random was the following:


Good to see you and the gang last night.

Many thanks for that wonderful-looking bottle of wine.  Extremely generous of you and quite unnecessary.

Janie and I will save it for a special occasion and enjoy it then…unless the Bulgarian merlot runs out and we need an emergency bottle in a hurry.

With very best wishes


It reminds me that there was another curiosity about the John Random/Rohan Candappa evening a couple of weeks before – click here.

John, knowing little about wine, grabbed a rather long-in-the-tooth bottle of Bulgarian Merlot from his home and brought it for that 5 February evening at my house. We all agreed that the bottle was undrinkable and offered the bottle’s contents to the kitchen sink drain gods.

Being John, he wrote me an own-liver-eating e-mail the next day, also agonising about the fact that he didn’t know that my mum had recently died until some way into the evening.

I responded, amongst other stuff 6 February, specifically on the Bulgarian Merlot:

It was good to see you and do stop fretting about the wine.  But on that note, I do recommend the film Sideways, if you haven’t seen it, a very funny sort of road movie about an introverted wine snob on a California wine tour with his extrovert actor mate.  The wine snob has an irrational thing against the Merlot grape, btw, which happens to have been the grape variety in your Bulgarian curiosity.

So, again being John, he brought me a rather splendid bottle of wine when we met at the Pizza Express for the Ivan Shakespeare 19 February.

The only other matters of note, which emerge from John’s post evening messages, are:

  • Gerry did the quiz;
  • John approved of Pizza Express, but the venue did get moved the next time. That might have been down to Tottenham Court Road Central Line closure more than the venue itself;
  • We all recorded birthday messages for Laurie, John and Jenny’s son, just ahead of his 15th birthday, which Laurie apparently appreciated very much.

Always good fun, Ivan Shakespeare Memorial Dinners.

Lunch At Harry Morgan With Richard Goatley, Dinner At Mine With John Random and Rohan Candappa, 5 February 2015

Things were different back then, I realise at the time of writing (January 2017).

For a start, Harry Morgan was on the list of places I definitely wanted to eat, rather than (as now) a place that has gone downhill but still is my last local source of Jewish-style chicken soup and chopped liver, both of which they still do reasonably well.

Secondly, meeting up with Richard for lunch back then was simply a general catch up and chat during the cricket off-season. Richard was Deputy Chief Executive of Middlesex then and little did any of us know that he would find himself in the hot/top seat just a few months later. It’s hard to recall what we discussed; probably some aspects of the team and the clever new commercial arrangements with the MCC, which seemed to me (still seem to me) hugely beneficial for both clubs.


I now realise that the above lunch was postponed and took place on 12 March before dinner with John White – click here.

I had considered buying some “Jew food” for John and Rohan, but thought that twice in one day might be a bit much for me…and possibly that once in one day might be a bit much for them. Chopped liver is a wonderful, heart-warming dish for the initiated but can seem like a rather crude pate to the uninitiated.

So, even before Richard cancelled, I planned instead to serve them food from Tavola, Alistair “Big Al DeLarge” Little’s splendid deli. I guess I went on my way home from the gym, buying enough tempting Italian dishes, making the meal extremely quick and simple to prepare (once Al and his team have done almost all the hard work).

I know John Random from comedy writing at NewsRevue, i.e. since I was in my late twenties. I know Rohan Candappa from Alleyn’s – i.e. since I was eleven. They are both very good, very funny writers. Both are at stages of their lives/careers where the writing has taken a bit of a back seat, perhaps for too long, while providing for themselves and their families comes to the fore.

I simply thought that these two ought to know each other, without any particular agenda or ideas about why they should or what they might do about it. I also thought that it would be a pleasant evening for the three of us.

It was.

I especially recall one bit of the conversation when Rohan and I reminisced briefly about a big sporty lad at school known as Jumbo Jennings. Seemed able to turn his hand to any sport. Terrifyingly quick and bouncy bowling, I especially remember. Fiendish fives player too. John remarked that they didn’t have schools like Alleyn’s in Hartlepool, but he had always imagined that nicknames such as “Jumbo Jennings” were more the stuff of fiction than reality.

I should have instantly retorted that I’d always imagined that disappearing acts like that of John Darwin, the Hartlepool Canoe Man, were more the stuff of fiction than reality, until that fraud was exposed and we learned that John Random’s cousin was the subject of that proto fake news story.

I’m getting my witty retort in nearly two years late, aren’t I?

There was also some business with John’s bottle of Bulgarian Merlot, which I have documented in my Ivan Shakespeare note from a couple of weeks later – click here. 

Lunch With John Random And Jenny Mill In Greenwich, “The Day That Princess Diana Died”, 31 August 1997

I remember this day very clearly, although I am sure there are many details the others can add. It would be super if John and Jenny were to chime in with their recollections.

Janie and I had arranged to meet John Random (a fellow NewsRevue writer) and his partner, Jenny Mill, in the Trafalgar Tavern for lunch. I suspect that plan was hatched when we gathered at the Canal Cafe a few weeks earlier – click here.

Janie and I had planned to take public transport to the north side of the embankment on the Isle of Dogs and walk the Greenwich Foot Tunnel – I think it had recently reopened after refurbishment back then.

But while we were preparing to go out, the phone rang. It was my mum. My mum never used to ring on a Sunday morning – she would almost always wait for me to ring her.

Mum sounded distressed.

“It’s so awful, a tragedy,” mum said, through tears of anguish.

I thought something must have happened to my dad or some other close relative/friend.

“What’s happened, Mum?”, I asked. “Try to gather yourself and speak slowly.”

“What do you mean, ‘what’s happened’? You must know what’s happened. I know you don’t care much for the royal family…”

“…Mum, we’re going out shortly, we haven’t seen the papers or switched on the TV or radio this morning; just tell me what’s happened.”

Mum told me. Princess Diana and Dodi Fayed had died in a car crash overnight.

I told Janie.

Janie turned on the TV.

Time passed.

We set off for Greenwich much later than we’d intended – so the idea of using public transport and a stroll through the Greenwich Foot Tunnel went out of the window.

Plan B was to revert to the Janie norm – we got into the car and drove to Greenwich. By the time we found somewhere to park (we hadn’t thought about that bit)…eventually finding a place near the market but some way from the Trafalgar…then walked from the parking place to the Trafalgar…we were quite late.

John and Jenny were neither fazed nor surprised that we were a bit late in the circumstances.

I remember John and I bemoaning the fact that a rich seam of our topical comedy for NewsRevue had died in that car crash along with the victims of the tragedy. We also had one of those, “when, if ever, will we be able to make Princess Diana jokes again?” conversations.

We had a very good lunch and talked about much else besides the day’s news.

I recall the four of us having a bit of a stroll after lunch.

After we parted company with John and Jenny, Janie and I wandered around Greenwich market for a while, as the car was parked near there and we were in no rush to get home.

I remember buying a dozen or so CDs that afternoon, more or less doubling the size of my CD collection. I had only bought a CD player for the first time a year or so earlier. Being a reel-to-reel and records dude, I was wicked-late to CDs. I bought mostly sixties compilations that day, plus a few iconic albums; Pet Sounds (Beach Boys), Gift From A Flower To A Garden (Donovan) and The Harder They Come (Jimmy Cliff and others) to name but three.

I remember saying at the time (1997) that my previous visit to Greenwich was with my parents and must have been about 20 years earlier, but I was surprised and chuffed when I looked it up this morning (31 August 2017) and realised that my previous visit was exactly 20 years earlier; 31 August 1977. I have written up that mini break with my parents mostly as a photo piece – click here.

No pictures from the day that Princess Diana died, but here is one from the 1977 set. I couldn’t possibly have imagined what I’d be up to 20 years later, let alone 40 years later, when the following picture was taken.

Time Traveller. Me at the Greenwich meridian line 31 August 1977

A Visit To NewsRevue With Janie, John Random and Friends, 1 August 1997

I went to NewsRevue so often in the 1990s, I’d rarely even note it in my diary.

Thursday night was “writers meeting and see NewsRevue night” most weeks.

But on this particular week things must have been different, as John Random has recently (July 2017) sent me a note from his own diary, as follows:


John is such a nice chap, his note doesn’t actually ask me to upload the lyric so he can read it.

But I’m a nice chap too and I realise that a revisit to the lyric will please John, me and perhaps other Ogblog readers too, so “up it goes”…as Bill Clinton no doubt frequently used to put it.

Me And Paula Jones, NewsRevue Lyric, 28 May 1997

This one ran and ran in NewsRevue in the summer of 1997. My log shows that I wrote it in late May.

John Random sent me a note recently (July 2017) mentioning a visit to the show in August 1997 and this lyric, so it felt timely to place this one in cyberspace asap.

Slow numbers don’t often work in NewsRevue, but this one was a surefire winner.

(A solo for Bill Clinton to the Tune of “Me and Mrs Jones”)


Me and Paula Jones,
We had a thing going on;
I know right from wrong, but I took my dong,
And let it show now.
I showed Paula my mark,
In the trailer park;
(My troopers), my troopers made sure she’d be there;
Holding hands, shaking my growing glands,
As those troopers helped me service my shlong.


Me-ee a-and Paula, Paula Jones (Paula Jones, Paula Jones, Paula Jones)
We’ve got a case going on;
We both know that it’s long, but she claims I’m wrong,
When I let it show now.
I’ve now gotta be extra careful,
I can’t afford to get my bone up too high,
Cos she has her own litigation,
And so, and so do I


Me-ee a-and Paula, Paula Jones (Paula Jones, Paula Jones, Paula Jones)
We’ve got a case going on;
We both know that it’s strong, but it’s much too long,
To let it go now.
Now it’s time for us to be courting,
The Supreme Court, the Supreme Court inside;
Now she’ll brief her silk and I’ll brief mine,
Tomorrow we’ll meet, the same court the same time


Me-ee a-and Paula, Paula Jones (Paula Jones, Paula Jones, Paula Jones)
We’ve got a thing going on;
Sax solo voters – I’ve always been extra partial to playing with my sax

(Bill wanders off, playing his sax)

Here is the original video of Billy Paul singing Me and Mrs Jones, which is absolutely cracking! So 1970’s; the fag hanging out of Billy Paul’s mouth is massively symbolic. In any case, although the song has now been so overplayed as to seem a cliché, in truth I still think it is a fabulous song:

Paisley and Adams, Topical Lyric, 18 June 1996

This is a sour comedy song really, about Northern Ireland politics.  But in 1996 peace seemed potentially within striking distance and yet illusive.  This did OK in NewsRevue, if I remember correctly, but not as well as others on the subject.

The tune is Father and Son by Cat Stevens – click here or below for a YouTube link with that song and its original lyrics.

Was it John Cowan who wrote a great “Addams Family” parody for this subject?  I remember something by John Random about the Orangemen marching that almost had me falling off my chair with laughter.

Still, this one of mine isn’t bad:

♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬ ♬

♬ PAISLEY AND ADAMS (To the Tune of “Father & Son”) ♬


It’s not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy;
You’ve got bombs, that’s your fault,
There’s so much we’ve had to go through;
Find a girl, live in peace,
Burn in hell if she’s a Catholic;
Look at me, I am mad,
But I’m happy!!!


I was once like you are now,
And I know that it’s not easy,
To make peace when there’s still some bombs going off;
So take your time, think a lot,
Think of Paddy Mayhew’s snot;
That prick will still be here tomorrow,
Though your legs may not.


PAISLEY: (still bellowing) How can I try to explain,
What I’d do to Gerry and Sinn Fein,
It’s always been the same, with these Tories;
From the moment I could shout,

ADAMS: I was ordered to listen,
IRA, now I know,
That my peace was blown away;
I know, the peace is blown.

I wrote an update 22 July 1997 which I think revived this one for a while:

(To the Tune of “Father & Son”)



It’s not time to make a change,
Just relax, take it easy;
You’ve got bombs, that’s your fault,
There’s so much we’ve had to go through;
Find a girl, live in peace,
Burn in hell if she’s a Catholic;
Look at me, I am mad,
But I’m happy!!!


I was once like you are now,
And I know that it’s not easy,
To make peace when there’s still some bombs going off;
So take your time, think a lot,
Think of Maureen Mowlem’s twat;
That bitch will still be here tomorrow,
Though your legs may not.


PAISLEY: (still bellowing) How can I try to explain,
What I’d do to Gerry and Sinn Fein,
It’s always been the same, since those Tories;
From the moment I could shout,

ADAMS: I was ordered to listen,
IRA, now I know,
That my peace will blow away;

BOTH We know, the peace is blown.


John Random NewsRevue Pre-Run Letter, 26 February 1995

This looked all neat and tidy with an Amipro table at the end of it; the best I can do now is to turn the table into a list of submissions.

But you’ll get the idea.

I was getting into co-writing a bit at that time; a couple on this submission – never worked quite as well as I’d hoped it would.

John Random was quite regularly directing runs in those days; perhaps one a year or more. John will know.

John Random
News Revue


Dear John

This starter pack consists of songs currently in the show but mainly previously unperformed ones. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.

Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape

Aprox. No. of weeks performed: 7+ 4-6 1-3 New

have i the right (co-written with John Cowen)/have i the right/honeycombs – New

i’ll never find another job/i’ll never find another you/seekers – New

privatise/bright eyes/art garfunkle – 4-6

the peanut farmer/the peanut vendor/alvin “snake eyes” tyler – New

tory rebel (co-written with d a barham)/ rebel rebel/david bowie – New

gillian shepherd/jennifer eccles/hollies – New

oj’s girl/bobby’s girl/marcie blaine – 1-3

why do you want to break our ties with clause 4?/what do you want make those eyes at me for?/emile ford and the checkmates – 1-3

veal meat again we’ll meet again/vera lynn – 4-6