Tag: NewsRevue

Submission To “Vicky Jeffries” (Victoria Jeffrey), NewsRevue, 9 January 1995

I remember Vicky as a very good performer and I think she made a decent fist of directing too. I wonder what became of her?

Postscript

On looking for Vicky again while recalling one of her best performances, I found her under her correct name –Victoria Jeffrey – doing rather well it looks – click here.

I think I might have been pushing my luck a bit pointing out that I recommended her, but there we go. I think it worked, though, as my material at that time was going through a bit of a Z/Yen start-up lull, but quite a lot of this stuff (the better pieces) did get used.

Usual caveats about Amipro tables losing their formats for Ogblog blah blah.

Vicky Jeffries
News Revue

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
JANUARY-FEBRUARY 1995 RUN

Dear Vicky

Its good to learn that you are back. I hope Harriet has told you that I suggested your name for directing this run. So think of me as you wade through all the material you must be receiving!!

This starter pack consists mainly of brand new songs, with one or two rewrites of previously unperformed ones. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

Good luck and I very much look forward to seeing you again soon.

Song Title / Original Title/ Artist on Tape

Aprox. No. of Performances 7+ 4-6 1-3 New

Side 1

privatise / bright eyes/art garfunkle – New

the peanut farmer / the peanut vendor/alvin “snake eyes” tyler – New

tory rebel (co-written with d a barham) / rebel rebel/david bowie – New

intel / inchworm/danny kaye – New

gillian shepherd / jennifer eccles/hollies – New

veal meat again / we’ll meet again/vera lynn – New

newt gingrich / moon river/danny williams – New

virginia / cecilia/simon & garfunkle – New

i’ll never find another job / i’ll never find another you/seekers – New

qe2 (co-wrttten & sent in by d a barham) / sos/abba – New

Side 2

jeffrey archer medley / we’re in the money/goldiggers
i say a little prayer/aretha franklin – New

Veal Meat Again, NewsRevue Lyric, 8 January 1995

Prior to my attempt at destroying “We’ll Meet Again” with my “Wheel Vera Lynn” lyric…

Wheel Vera Lynn, NewsRevue Lyric And Beyond, 24 April 1995

…I had a go at the old classic in the matter of Dutch veal a few months earlier.

I think this might have been used briefly. Certainly the Wheel Vera Lynn one was a big NewsRevue hit.

I subsequently met William Waldegrave en passant occasionally; he and his family lived locally in those days and were big fans of the Park Inn restaurant. If May had a function there, the Waldegraves tended to show.

VEAL MEAT AGAIN
(To the Tune of “We’ll Meet Again”)

INTRO – CALVES

Let’s say goodbye with a smile, calves,
Just for a while, calves,
We’re en route.
Don’t let departing distress you,
We’ll all impress you,
En croute.

CHORUS 1 – WILLIE WALDEGRAVE

Veal meet again,
Don’t know where don’t know when,
But I’ll sell veal meat again some market place.
Keep them in stew, while they’re rare or they’re blue,
I’ll pretend I think the Dutch are a disgrace.

MIDDLE EIGHT – STILL THE IDIOT WALDEGRAVE

So will you calves all be brave for Will’yim Wald’grave,
With Dutch courage and spice;
Please don’t stay looking puce, lilly liver’s no use,
It might depress your price.

CHORUS 2 – CALVES

Veal meat again,
On a Dutch boat and train;
And you know we’ll be in pain,
Stuck in a crate.

MIDDLE EIGHT – BACK TO WILLIE

So will you go to yer grave cursing me, Waldegrave,
Selling you down the shops;
You’ll be happy I know, that you all got to go,
And be veal escalopes.

CHORUS 3 – CALVES

Veal meat again,
Shipped back by boat and train,
Cos you know we’ll meet again,
On British plates.

Here is Vera Lynn singing We’ll Meet Again with the lyrics on the screen:

Tory Rebel, NewsRevue Lyric Written Jointly With Debbie (DA) Barham, 3 January 1995

Debbie Barham was one of the most talented young writers to enter our NewsRevue orbit back in the early-mid Nineties. She really was just a kid when she first showed up; pretending to be a drop-out after a year at University whereas she was actually a fifteen year old runaway from school and family. Her untimely demise was a genuine tragedy.

But by late 1994/early 1995 she and I had started corresponding by e-mail and attempted to write a little bit together, with very limited success.

This lyric is one of just a couple of joint submissions we made to NewsRevue. I don’t remember it making the cut.

 

TORY REBEL
(To the Tune of “Rebel Rebel”)
VERSE 1

REBELS: We’ve got John Major in a whirl,
(Cos) Theresa Gorman’s our kind of girl;
MAJOR Hey guys, you’re so far right,
Hey guys, please party tonight;
REBELS: We hate Frogs, Krauts and Wops we shun,
We love hanging even more than the Sun;
MAJOR You sound off like Attilla the Hun,
How many of you are with me?
REBELS None!

MIDDLE BIT

REBELS: We’ll stick our ground, ‘cos we’re no drips,
MAJOR: We’re cracking down with our Tory whips.

CHORUS 1

ALL: Tory rebels,
MAJOR You’re past your best,
ALL Tory rebels,
REBELS: John Major’s a mess;
ALL: Tory rebels,
REBELS You look forlorn,
MAJOR Tough shit, you’re whip’s withdrawn.

CHORUS 2

ALL Tory rebels,
REBELS: We’ve earned some credit,
ALL Tory rebels,
REBELS: From Thatcher and Tebbit;
ALL Tory rebels,
MAJOR: Most people know,
You’re as bent as Portillo.

Here is Bowie singing Rebel Rebel with lyrics in English and Italian – that might get up the Eurosceptics’ noses…

 

Gillian Shepherd, NewsRevue Lyric, 2 January 1995

Hmmm, I’m not too sure about this one. There was a lot not to like about Gillian Shepherd and her education policies, but this lyric feels a bit personal in a way that one probably wouldn’t direct bile at a male politician.

Mind you, writing  in April 2017, I can think of another senior Tory female who makes me feel angry enough…

…and the Gillian Shepherd lyric is supposed to have a “nasty kids” feel to it…

GILLIAN SHEPHERD
(To the Tune of “Jennifer Eccles”)

(Sung by a chorus of nasty schoolkids)

VERSE 1

White chalk written on red brick,
Our funds bound to withdraw;
That’s why we’ve got no blackboard,
Tough bitch, hateful old bore.

CHORUS 1

We hate Gillian Shepherd (ugh-ugh),
We know that she’s ugly;
We hate Gillian Shepherd (ugh-ugh),
We know she’s not cuddly.

La la, la-la-la, la la,
La la, la-la-la, la;
La la, la-la-la. la la,
La la, la-la-la, la;

MIDDLE BIT

One rotten morning,
Found out we’d failed our grades;
Started us thinking,
That vixen ought to be spayed.

VERSE 2

We hope Gillian Shepherd (ugh-ugh),
Will soon be down on her knees;
She screwed up agriculture,
And got mad cows disease.

CHORUS 2

We hate Gillian Shepherd (ugh-ugh),
We know that she’s cutting;
We hate Gillian Shepherd (ugh-ugh)
She looks like pigs rutting.
WE hate Gillian Shepherd!!

Here is Jennifer Eccles by The Hollies – lyrics are there below if you fully load YouTube:

 

The Peanut Farmer, NewsRevue Lyric, Probably Unused, 2 January 1995

I don’t think I was at my very best as a lyricist in the opening overs of 1995. I think my mind was more on “baby Z/Yen” than on humour. A few hits but more misses, just for a few months.

This is one of the misses from that period. I don’t think it got used. I think I was very keen to do something to the tune of The Peanut Vendor. That aspect I still applaud. But the piece almost feels unfinished to me – like some fragments I can still find on my old jotters that never got past the “decent idea” or “good line or two” stage.

THE PEANUT FARMER
(To the Tune of “The Peanut Vendor”)
INTRO

Jimmy Carter, he’s such a brick,
Jimmy Carter, he’s old and thick,
(refrain throughout)

MAIN BIT

Carter,
If you languish in Korea or Port-au-Prince,
Meet the fella with a mouth full of foot prints;

One day he’s out in Bosnia,
Next day with strike torn US baseball stars;

So if he swings a Balkan compromise,
Will they give him a Nobel Peaceful Prize?

But Jimmy would have gone there anyway,
On a low price Saga Holiday;
The peace talks saved him the fare.

Bill Clinton ought to learn from Carter’s aid,
And just lie low for at least a decade,
Or maybe two to be fair.

If Bill lies low he’ll do no harm,
Should leave his nuts on Jimmy’s peanut farm.

Jimmy’s revered, an autumn flower,
But he was a failure when in power.

Here’s the tune of The Peanut Vendor, by Alvin “Snake Eyes” Tyler. It’s an instrumental really, despite the “jungle fresh” lyric stuck in the heads of all of us who are of a certain age.

Intel, NewsRevue Lyric, 1 January 1995

I don’t think this one was ever used…while Intel are for sure still going.

INTEL
(To the Tune of “Inchworm”)
INTRO – REVOLTING CHILDREN

Two and two are four,
Four and four are eight,
Eight and eight are sixteen,
Sixteen and sixteen are thirty-one (losing note slightly on the one)

VERSE 1 – IDEALLY A DANNY KAYE SOUNDALIKE

Intel, Intel (two and two are three),
Churning out the Pentiums (four and four are six);
You and your arithmetic (eight and eight are thirteen),
You’re bound to catch a cold (sixteen and sixteen are thirty-nine).

VERSE 2 – IDEALLY A DANNY KAYE SOUNDALIKE

Intel, Intel (two and two are nine),
Hailing the millennium (four and four are twelve);
Bitterly divided now (eight and eight are plenty),
By then you’re bound to fold.
(sixteen and sixteen are beeeeeeeep…………error………..it does not compute………….).

Here’s Danny Kaye – you need to wait a minute or so for Inchworm:

…and click here to read the lyrics of Inchworm.

Privatise, NewsRevue Lyric, 1 January 1995

Just sometimes a slow number would be a huge hit in NewsRevue. Privatise was one of those – it was in the show for yonks and frequently got the audience going big time.

One of my best ever lyrics in my opinion. At times (e.g. now in 2017) it could be in the show still.

Beware friends; the chords look straightforward I’ll be working this one up on the baritone ukulele myself.

PRIVATISE
(To the Tune of “Bright Eyes”)

VERSE 1

Is it a kind of scheme,
Dreamt up by the right?
Making utilities less safe and clean,
The price is obscene.

VERSE 2

There is cold comfort for staff,
And hot gas from the mighty;
Silently bosses look after themselves;
Milking them clean,
With pay rise extremes.

CHORUS 1

Privatise,
Post, health and power,
Privatise,
Industry, coal and rail;
How can a trade that’s done quite nicely,
Suddenly turn and fail,
Privatise.

CHORUS 2

Privatise,
Lords, House and Whitehall,
Privatise,
Number Ten Downing Street;
Then maybe berks who’ve caused this nightmare,
Will end up on the street,
Privatise.

The tune is Bright Eyes; here is Art Garfunkle’s delightful rendering:

I also wrote an update 28 May 1996:

PRIVATISE – 1996 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Bright Eyes”)

VERSE 1

Is it a kind of scheme,
Dreamt up by the right?
Making utilities less safe and clean,
The price is obscene.

VERSE 2

There is outsourcing for staff,
And increase for directors;
Silently bosses look after themselves;
Milking us clean,
With pay rise extremes.

CHORUS 1

Privatise,
Trains, health and power,
Privatise,
Military, coal and rail;
How can a trade that’s done quite nicely,
Suddenly turn and fail,
Privatise.

CHORUS 2

Privatise,
Lords, House and Whitehall,
Privatise,
Number Ten Downing Street;
Then maybe berks who’ve caused this nightmare,
Will end up on the street,
Privatise.

2-4-6-8 Internet, NewsRevue Lyric, Possibly Never Even Submitted, 30 December 1994

Odd one, this. I don’t have a printed copy on file and it has a slightly unfinished feel to it – I’m not sure I ever finished/submitted it.

One or two good lines, though.

2-4-6-8 INTERNET
(To the Tune of “2-4-6-8 Motorway”)

VERSE 1

Whizz kid sitting pretty with a new style Pentium,
Ain’t no 486 , you get speed on your side;
Ain’t no use unless Intel’s been ammending ’em,
Unless you never want to long divide.

CHORUS 1

And it’s 2-4-6-8 Internet,
Me and my modem buzzing all through the night;
3-5-7-9 bug on the line,
Superhighway, crashed, got a warning light.

VERSE 2

Well there ain’t better news if you choose to cruise the Compuserve,
And World-Wide-Web’s like astronomy in a smog;
No one knows if this highway’s leading nowhere,
Cos most people still think Kermit’s just a frog.

CHORUS 2

So let’s start a British Internet,
Too few modems, all get stuck in a jam;
3-5-7-9 work on the line,
Highway’s shut, use an envelope and a stamp.

Here is the Tom Robinson Band singing 2-4-6-8 Motorway, with lyrics on the screen:

 

Newt Gingrich, NewsRevue Lyric, 22 November 1994

I’m not sure what happened with this one, but the log dates it as above whereas the electronic file is dated July 1995. Perhaps just a tiny tweak and resubmission, probably in vain.

Slow numbers need to be spot on. I don’t think this one is.

NEWT GINGRICH
(To the Tune of “Moon River”)

SPOKEN INTRO

BILL: For the sake of harmony on Capitol Hill, I am prepared to listen to any ideas the new speaker, Newt Gingrich, might wish to advance.

NEWT: Mr President, your wife’s a bitch!

(Immediately, an incessant female nonsense whine starts across the PA)

BILL: (to off) Yes, Hillary, I’ll tell that ass-hole where to get off, don’t you worry your pretty little bitch of head about that, he ain’t getting away with that remark.(To Newt) With all due respect, Mr Gingrich, that’s not quite the kind of harmony I had in mind. Try this for size.

VERSE 1 – BILL CLINTON

Newt Gingrich,
What a crazy name,
Competing for my fame and cares;
New speaker,
And rule tweaker,
The house that you’re chairing’s preparing for prayers.

(Hillary starts again with the whining)
BILL: Yes, Hillary, I’m telling him, I’m telling him good and proper.

VERSE 2 – BILL CLINTON

Two parties try to share the power,
But you’re so gruff and sour, please see;
We’re after the same rainbow’s end,
Let me tax and spend,
Then you can be friend,
Newt Gingrich and me.

VERSE 3 – NEWT GINGRICH

Bill Clinton off to save the world,
You chase your tail and girls loosely;
I’m after a sane rainbow’s end,
Although I’m round the bend,
My cuts will never mend,
Newt Gingrich, that’s me.

Here is Moon River with the lyrics set out below the vid:

Black Yeti, NewsRevue Lyric, 6 November 1994

Presumably someone found a yeti’s remains in Hunan province.

I don’t think this lyric made it into NewsRevue.

BLACK YETI
(A Quickie To the Tune of “Black Betty”)
VERSE ONE

Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man,
Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man;
The Yeti has been seen – Hunan man,
In a Chinese ravine – Hunan man;
He’s abominable -Hunan man,
And he finds it hard to pull – Hunan man;
We’ll make his mark -wo-oh Black Yeti,
A Chinese theme park – wo-oh Black Yeti;
Hunan man.

VERSE TWO

Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man,
Wo-oh Black Yeti – Hunan man;
Boy that Yeti was mean – Hunan man
Fried up with yellow bean – Hunan man;
Black Yeti was a male – Hunan man,
We threw him in jail – Hunan man;
Without a trial – wo-oh Black Yeti,
Chinese style – wo-oh Black Yeti,
Human rights.

Sorry, human rights is off. Try number 23 – summary execution without trial or appeal.

Here is Ram Jam singing Black Betty with lyrics on the screen: