THE MATTHEW HAYDEN QUESTION
One of the great joys of cricket is its endless stream of speculation. What would Bradman average if he were playing today? Would Mike Brearley be so revered if he had ever led England against West Indies? And how much bounce and volume does Mark Nicholas's coiffure really have before the Channel 4 make-up experts get to work? To this list we can now add the Matthew Hayden Question. Just how good was his world-record 380 against Zimbabwe at Perth last week?
The candy-from-a-baby school of thought is clear on the matter: Zimbabwe are poor (remove Heath Streak and their attack went into the game with a total of 75 Test wickets at over 40 each); Perth is no place for most tourists (of Australia's seven defeats in 31 Tests there, five have been against West Indies); and Hayden had the best of the conditions after Streak put Australia in.
But this is too simplistic. It's a fact of life that Test triple-centuries aren't made on minefields against world-class attacks. It's also a fact of life that hundreds of Test batsmen have come across the baby throughout their careers, but have failed to take the candy. Hayden didn't just take the candy - he took the baby too, and the pram. [Note to Hayden's lawyers: this is a metaphor only.]
For sheer stamina (Hayden was in for ten hours and 22 minutes), muscular strokeplay (he launched 11 sixes, many of them straight down the ground off the medium-pacers), clean-hitting (Steve Waugh called it the cleanest he had ever seen), and utter remorselessness (his first real mistake came on 337) - for all these qualities, Hayden's innings is up there with the very, very best.
Perhaps the greatest compliment we can pay him is that only one other player in the world could have batted so dominantly, so violently, for so long. Not Brian Lara, whose 375 against England at Antigua in 1993-94 contained no sixes; not Sachin Tendulkar, whose highest Test score is 217; not Michael Vaughan, who has a problem in the nervous 190s. No, the man in question is Adam Gilchrist, who quietly compiled an 84-ball century at the other end just to prove the point. But then that's mere speculation. Now, about that coiffure...
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QUOTE OF THE WEEK
"I don't know how you Indians live here!" - The New Zealand opener Lou Vincent cottons on to the fact that temperatures on the subcontinent are a little higher than back home.
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SILLY POINT: WARNEY, YOU POMMIE B*****D
The Spin has known some dark times. Only yesterday it sat through an evening of amateur dramatics in Shropshire, but - earlier than usual, and perhaps a little harshly - it digresses. The point is this: the Spin knows what Shane Warne must be going through, and has every sympathy with him after the latest episode in his post-drug-taking-fiasco-I-blame-my-mum humiliation. Warne learned last week that his year-long ban from cricket-related activities extended to Victoria's pre-season launch, where a bonza dinner of spinach-based rotolo and chicken breast stuffed with vegetables was on the menu. No, Warne is not a happy man.
Quite how unhappy, however, was not evident until the Spin chanced across a story in the Sunday Times. Warne, it seems, was so disillusioned with the way he was ostracised after his dalliance with diuretics that he contemplated fleeing Australia, settling in Hampshire, the county he will captain next season, and qualifying for England. He really must have ben disturbed. First, it would have taken him four years to become a fair dinkum Pom. Second, he would have faced stiff competition from Ian Salisbury and Chris Schofield. There are only so many disappointments a man can take.
So it was hardly surprising when the Sunday Times revealed that, all things considered, Warne would probably wait until next year, thank you very much, and resume his international cricket with a side that has a decent chance of winning the Ashes. In case we were in any doubt as to why he might be making this decision, the Sunday Times explained that Warne was "too wedded to his native country", a show of patriotism that should swing the balance in his favour when his ban comes to an end. Still, he needn't worry too much: his only rival for the leggie's spot is Stuart MacGill, who earlier this called for international cricketers (ie Stuart MacGill) to be able to pick and choose their country. If Australia can start convincing their players to stay put, they might even have a half-decent side.
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COW CORNER: UP THE REVOLUTION!
Dribbling from a rickety soap box? Of course. Cracking lame gags? Absolutely. But acting as a catalyst for sweeping social change? Whoa there! Hold your horses! The Spin has always been more Engelbert Humperdinck than Bob Geldof - appetite-whetting rather than world-changing, and without so much as a hint of an Irish accent. Then something happened.
Back in July, the Spin told the story of a young woman who was manhandled as she tried to enter the men-only Bowler's Bar in the Lord's pavilion. For a while, nothing happened, but in September an email arrived from an intrepid reader, Ian Harris, who revealed that his girlfriend had suffered the same fate at a one-day game between Middlesex and Sussex, and that he would be writing to the MCC secretary, Roger Knight, to complain. A fortnight later, red flag a-flutter, hammer in one hand and sickle in t'other, Comrade Harris was in touch again. From next season, he reported triumphantly, the Bowler's Bar would be open to both genders.
The explanation Harris received for the u-turn was that the ban on women had merely been "experimental", and that "in due course it was quite likely that the regulation would be changed". Women, you might recall, were finally admitted to the MCC in September 1998, but not before the club's Membership Committee had placated the die-hard males by allocating them one room - the Bowler's Bar - where they could pass the time undistracted by dangerous talk of shopping and knitting. The fact that, five years on, some members remained more equal than others, was described by one MCC official as a "hangover from the old days".
So why the sudden change of heart? According to Iain Wilton, the MCC's head of communications and public affairs, the article in the Spin "highlighted the fact that this policy was still in place. The decision to admit women members has been a great success, so there was no reason why that shouldn't apply to all parts of the ground." So it's big brownie points to the MCC for removing the final barrier to gender equality at Lord's. But a small black mark for taking so long to do it.
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THE WEEK IN CRICKET
South Africa's veteran allrounder Shaun Pollock is fined his entire match fee after being found guilty of dissent during the third one-day international against Pakistan at Faisalabad ... Henry Olonga, the Zimbabwe fast bowler who fled his homeland following criticism of the Mugabe regime during the World Cup, is granted a five-year visa to remain in Britain, where he works as a public-relations officer for the Kent club side Lashings ... The Australian opener Matthew Hayden hits a world-record 380 in the first Test against Zimbabwe at Perth, passing Brian Lara's 375 against England at Antigua in 1993-94 ... Australia finally declare on 735 for 6, before bowling out Zimbabwe for 239 and 321 ... Rahul Dravid hits 222 in the first Test between India and New Zealand at Ahmedabad, but the game ends in a draw after Craig McMillan and Nathan Astle bat out the final session ... South Africa square their one-day series with Pakistan at 2-2 after a six-wicket win at Rawalpindi ... The West Indies fast bowler Mervyn Dillon and Windward Islands' Fernix Thomas are struck by lightning during a Red Stripe Bowl match in Jamaica ... Both men were taken to hospital, where their condition was described as stable ... England arrive in Bangladesh to be greeted by heavy rain, and then miss out on an indoor practice session when the father of their coach driver dies ... Andrew Hall and Graeme Smith pick up bans after an incident during the second ODI against Pakistan at Lahore ... Smith misses a one-day international for using "obscene or offensive language", while Hall misses a one-dayer and two Tests for bringing the game into disrepute after he appeared to elbow the Pakistan batsman Yousuf Youhana ... Youhana is fined 50% of his match fee for his part in the fracas ... But it doesn't stop South Africa completing a superb comeback with a seven-wicket win in the fifth and final ODI at Rawalpindi to take the series 3-2 ... According to a report in the Sunday Times, Shane Warne considered qualifying for England after he was banned for drug abuse, but evenutally decided that the four-year qualifcation period would have shortened his Test career too much ... The Sussex and Western Australia batsman Murray Goodwin is in trouble with Cricket Australia after accusing the selectors of Zimbabwe, the country he used to represent, of discriminating against white players ... Northamptonshire sign Usman Afzaal from Nottinghamshire on a three-year contract ... Marcus Trescothick hits 90 and Matthew Hoggard takes 6 for 13 as England have the better of their three-day game against a President's XII at Dhaka
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THE WEEK AHEAD
On Thursday, England take on the weather, er, Bangladesh A in the second and final three-day warm-up match for the first Test, which starts at Dhaka a week today ... After drawing the first Test, India and New Zealand get the second and final game under way at Mohali ... On Friday, Australia set off in pursuit of a 2-0 series whitewash over Zimbabwe when the second Test starts at Sydney ... And Pakistan meet South Africa in the first Test at Lahore
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CONTACT THE SPIN
Email lawrence.booth@theguardian.com and if you want his employers to take any notice of what you're saying to him (whether we should sack him or give him a pay rise, for example), you could do worse than cc. sports.editor@guardianunlimited.co.uk while you're at it.
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