Now Kerry Michael MBE, nach. I wonder whether he still lists NewsRevue on his CV?
The table of submissions was neat and tidy but the only way I can cut and paste it from Amipro to here, it needs to look like a great long list…
…but you’ll get the gist.
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
CHRISTMAS 1995 RUN
Dear Kerry
Great to have you back!! This starter pack consists some songs currently in the show, some previously unperformed ones and revamps of one or two which have come back into fashion as it were. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.
Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request. Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape
Aprox. No. of weeks performed: 7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
christmas song/mary’s boy child / harry bellafonte: New
lilley the prick/ lilly the pink / scaffold: 4-6
serbi serbi chief chief/ chirpy chirpy cheep cheep / middle of the road: 4-6
those were the raves/those were the days / mary hopkin: 4-6
Sunbed/sunny / bobby hebb: 4-6
old boys/ oh boy / buddy holly: 7+
i’ll never find another job/i’ll never find another you / seekers: 7+
crap tarantino man/son of a preacher man / dusty springfield: 4-6
the shit of araby/the sheikh of araby / spike jones: 4-6
side 2
ebola/maria / west side story: 7+
sealed syphilis/sealed with a kiss/brian hyland: 4-6
jumping mick jagger/ jumping jack flash / rolling stones: 4-6
surf the internet/surfin’ usa / beach boys: 4-6
eton beat it / michael jackson: 4-6
greenpeace NO RECORDING – SORRY: New
the pill is safe/ chantilly lace / jerry lee lewis: 4-6
Not the most subtle lyric, but quite effective in transmitting its message, I feel.
LILLEY THE PRICK
(To the Tune of “Lilly The Pink”)
CHORUS 1
We’re, sick, we’re sick, we’re sick,
Of Lilley the prick, the prick, the prick,
The breaker of the DSS;
For he’s removing our benefit payments,
Now we’re entitled to even less.
VERSE 1
Michael Howard, was a terrible coward,
He would never take the blame;
So they gave him, political functions,
But he deflects guilt, just the same.
Johnny Aitken, was constantly takin’,
Large back-handers from some sheikh;
So they gave him, political functions,
Now he’s yet more on the make.
CHORUS 2
We’ll dig, we’ll dig we’ll dig,
At Lilley the pig, the pig, the pig,
The hater of the welfare state;
He’s refusing most benefit payments,
And leaving poor folk to their fate.
VERSE 2
David Hunt, was a bit of a c-c-c-c-con man,
Tories thought that he should go-o-o,
They withdrew his political functions,
Now he has no portfolio.
Mike Portillo, was abrasive as Brillo,
And his head looked like a pad;
So they gave him political functions,
Now he’s Peter Lilley’s lad.
CHORUS 3
We-ee-ee-‘re, sick, we’re sick, we’re sick,
Of Lilley the prick, the prick, the prick,
He’s buggered up the DSS;
He’s retracting our benefit payments,
Now Britain’s welfare state’s a meeeeeeessssssss.
Here is Lily the Pink by the Scaffold, with their lyrics on show.
Prince Charles and Princess Diana chose to send Prince William to Eton. I chose to write this lyric.
I don’t recall it being used, but it is a quicky and my memory ain’t what it was.
Postscript: my 26 November 1995 submission letter shows this one having been used for 4-6 weeks previously, so I must have slightly tweaked the lyric then but it had been used. My cata-log shows me completing this lyric originally 19 September 1995. So there.
ETON
(To the Tune of “Beat It”)
VERSE 1
WILLIE: They tell me that I am as thick as pig shit,
Don’t ever go to Eton cos you’ll never fit;
But every boy round here is an upper class twit,
At Eton, at Eton.
WILLIE: You see the truth is no-one cares if you’re daft,
As long as you don’t mind the cannings and the graft,
And learn to shake your pals very warmly by the shaft,
At Eton, I just want to be bad
CHORUS 1
WILLIE: At Eton,
CHARLES:: Eton,
DIANA: Eton,
CHARLES: Eton,
DIANA: Rugger and fags and beatin’;
CHARLES: They’ll whip your buttocks raw to the bone,
But Eton’s more genteel than Gordonstone,
OUTRO
(Willie is being caned by Charles and Diana during the outro)
I don’t recall this one being used, but I think it was good enough. One of those perennial scares about health.
THE PILL IS SAFE
(To the Tune of “Chantilly Lace”)
INTRO
Hello, you third generation pill, you.
VERSE 1
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, a doctors’ row coming on;
We hang ’em when they moan, and hang ’em when they don’t,
It always makes the autumn fun;
There ain’t nothing in the world like frightened girl,
Who’s going apoplectic ’bout her contraceptives,
Alternate truths in the survey proofs, but, oh baby they’ll get research funds.
MIDDLE EIGHT
CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh); etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’s that?……you might get thrombosis?…..you sure that ain’t neurosis?…….but…but……but baby you dooooooon’t have much choice.
VERSE 2
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, medical evidence;
They prove it makes you clot, then prove that it does not,
And Stephen Dorrell’s on the fence fence fence;
There ain’t nothing in this scare of which we weren’t aware,
But now the whole of London’s using caps and condoms;
Or making use of just the dates and mucus, oh baby I got rhythm style.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2
CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh) etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’ja’say?? You’ve yet to menstruate?? And think you’re late…..but.you know I’ve got no money honey and baby you knoooooooooww I hate kids.
VERSE 3
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, scare the girls to the bones;
They’re phoning the helplines ten or twenty times,
And this hotline’s not for cones,
There ain’t nothing ’bout the pill that’s going to make you ill,
Apart from high blood pressure and the risk of cancer,
I feel no use but it’s up to you ‘cos,
This problem is the woman’s blight!!!! (CHORUS: Typical male!!!!).`
Here is the Big Bopper’s version of Chantilly Lace:
I updated the lyric 22 April 1996:
THE PILL IS SAFE – 1996 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Chantilly Lace”)
INTRO
Hello, you third generation pill, you.
VERSE 1
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, a doctors’ row we all see;
We hang ’em when they moan, and hang ’em when they don’t,
Just like we did with BSE;
There ain’t nothing in the world like frightened girl,
Who’s going apoplectic ’bout her contraceptives,
Alternate truths in the survey proofs, but, oh baby they’ll get research funds.
MIDDLE EIGHT
CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh); etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’s that?……you might get thrombosis?…..you sure that ain’t neurosis?…….but…but……but baby you dooooooon’t have much choice.
VERSE 2
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, medical evidence;
They prove it makes you clot, then prove that it does not,
And Stephen Dorrell’s on the fence fence fence;
There ain’t nothing in this scare of which we weren’t aware,
But now there’s less precaution and there’s more abortion;
Or making use of just the dates and mucus, oh baby I got rhythm style.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2
CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh) etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’ja’say?? You’ve yet to menstruate?? And think you’re late…..but.you know I’ve got no money honey and baby you knoooooooooww I hate kids.
VERSE 3
The pill is safe, no it ain’t, scare the girls to the bones;
They’re phoning the helplines ten or twenty times,
And this hotline’s not for cones,
There ain’t nothing ’bout the pill that’s going to make you ill,
Apart from high blood pressure and the risk of cancer,
I feel no use but it’s up to you ‘cos,
This problem is the woman’s blight!!!! (CHORUS: Typical male!!!!).`
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
OCTOBER to NOVEMBER 1995 RUN
Dear Fraser & Jez
Welcome!! It was good to meet you last night. I really did think the show was the best opening night I had seen for ages, despite the lack of my songs. I feel really badly that you got no starter pack from me last week but no-one told me you were due to start – the last run only had 5 weeks and normally the runs have six. This starter pack consists of all previously unperformed songs.
Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Keep it up and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape Aprox. No. of weeks performed
7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
louis farrakhan-can/orpheus in the underworld / offenbach New
william shakespeare’s ragtime show/alexander’s ragtime band / bessie smith New
star spangled old school tie/star spangled banner / some awful troupe New
handing over hong kong/rama lama ding dong / rocky sharpe and the replays New
Louis Farrakhan, somewhat controversially, visited the UK in the autumn of 1995.
I wrote a song and dance to accompany this news story. Several performers told me that it was extremely challenging to perform. But perform it they did and it was truly wonderful to see. Far better as a spectacle than as a piece of writing, but sadly only the writing survives.
Still, the writing, along with your imagination, should be good enough; this is one of my best comedy pieces, in my humble opinion.
LOUIS FARRAKHAN-CAN (To the Tune of “The Can-Can”)
VERSE 1
Mr Louis Farrakhan is from The Nation of Islam, He’s not calm, sounds alarm and cannot be described as charming; Permanently angry and his standards set you up to fail, Lest you are by chance a Muslim who is straight and black and male.
What a bigot, (that remark is not PC), He’s a fat git (not his fault that he’s portly); What’s a faggot? (ball of meat in rich gravy), He does rabbit on and on and on and on and on and on and on and onnnnnnnnnnnnn….
CHORUS 1
(That damned) Louis Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan, (he is a loony) Farrakhan, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan, that’s Farrakhan; (He’s) non-Jewish and intensely shrewish with invective poo-ish as a pan (that’s full of sewage) He’s the man, Louis Farrakhan-can, who is one to ban-ban soon, or else he’ll slander you.
VERSE 2
Mr Louis Farrakhan his gob is totally massive, He makes Ian Paisley come across as calm and wholly passive Rants and raves excessively, he don’t like homosexuals, Sensual fe-ma-les, liberals, Israel’s, sensible victuals, Papal bulls, all he ever talks is ballssss….. CHORUS 2
(That damned) Louis Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan, (he is a loony) Farrakhan, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan;
OUTRO COMMENCES
He is a loony and his name is Farrakhan, These lines repeat but do not always seem to scan. So let us rant and rave excessively like Louis Farrakhan, And pack as many words per second as the human larynx can.
CODA
His name is Louis Farrakhan, he is a loony Farrakhan; Thank God, it’s the coda Cos he is, he is THE END!!!!!!!
The video below (with far more people than NewsRevue’s cast of four) will give you some idea about the tune (the main theme and coda) and some of the choreography involved. I recall one NewsRevue cast forming some sort of a human pyramid…
I’m not too sure what this lyric was about – presumably some sort of jazz fundraiser for the nascent Globe back then. Hardly big news and I don’t think this lyric made the NewsRevue show.
Shame really, it has some good lines. I might try to revive it as a performance piece of my own for my baroq-ulele.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S RAGTIME SHOW
(To the Tune of “Alexander’s Ragtime Band”)
VERSE 1
Come on and see, come on and see,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show;
Come on and see, come on and see,
It’s the best show in the Globe.
You can corpse at comedy or you’ll learn from history,
Close the play with carnage if the show’s a tragedy;
This card’s the best bard by a yard, at least that far.
Come on along, come on along,
As You Like It, Much Ado;
Come on along, come on along,
Henry Four Parts One and Two;
And if you wanna see that Julius Caesar play set rag style,
Come on and see, come on and see,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show.
VERSE 2
Come on and see, come on and see,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show,
Come on and hear, come on and hear,
Sing a rag hey nonny no.
With a funny sense of rhyme, called iambic pantomime,
Make heroic speeches then go murder eight or nine,
This show is so Tarantino meets Sarajevo;
Come on along, come on along,
Mix up twins then all marry,
Come on along, come on along,
Play a jazz soliloquy;
And if you want to hear “Hey Nonny Nonny” syncopated,
OUTRO
Come on and hear, come on and hear,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime,
Little boys in drag time,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show.
Here’s a YouTube of Louis Armstrong singing Alexander’s Ragtime Band:
Fellow writer Neil Watson directed in the autumn of 1995. Unusually no record of the submissions I made to him; perhaps we’d had a very specific conversation at the writers’ meeting.
Neil Watson 28 September 1995
(Hammersmith W6 address redacted)
Dear Neil
THAT STUFF I PROMISED YOU
I finally got round to printing out an up to date pack of songs for you. Obviously there are many others which could either be updated, revised or simply ignored. This pack represents the most likely lot.
The Internet was a relatively new and/or mysterious thing to most people in 1995; heck I was still quite new to it.
Trying to explain it to Ben Murphy…
…I think “Tony Parse of the New Musical Netspress” must have been one of my noms de plume – if so, that piece should turn up on Ogblog soon enough.
Ben Murphy 28 September 1995
(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben
DOSH / STUFF / STORMIN’ THE WORLD
Thanks for the dosh. I can start eating again so long as the distended stomach and rickets don’t prevent me from taking down the food.
I’m surprised to learn that you are feeling dry on parodies – try these for size. Hope you like them. You were going to send me an educational tape to bring my music knowledge up to date. Is that still a happening possibility?
I enclose the Info Highway Roadkill tape which I think is pretty good considering. I also include a rave review of the tape by Tony Parse of the New Musical Netspress. He is obviously one of our biggest fans and this review is whizzing all over the world electronically (via Usenet, part of the Internet) as we speak. It will soon also be on the World-Wide-Web (another part of the Internet).
This very early attempt at e-commerce did generate a bit of “business” – I recall. Tom Rockwell shipped me a sort-of master tape, I would occasionally get an order and I’d fulfil it by spooling off a copy and posting it.
I did digitise that master tape, so in the fulness of time I’ll up the tracks. In the meantime, if anything plugged below really appeals to you, dear reader, comment or e-mail me a request and I’ll upload that particular track pronto.
INFORMATION SUPER FREEBIE
(Info Highway Roadkill – Unsigned bands from the rec.music.dementia newsgroup)
The Net is rarely a good source of new material. Most recordings of the “it’s free!! Just send a tape and the postage and it’s yours” variety are not worth the postage, let alone the tape, the snail mail and the hassle. And that’s if the recording shows up. So this freebie tape makes a refreshing change – a fun packed hour of comedy music and skits. Even more rarely, the tape even contains material from here in Blighty, but more of that later.
The album is the brainchild of a demented rapper, Tom Rockwell aka Devo Spice aka Sudden Death. Tom gathered his miscellany of mad music makers through the Usenet newsgroup rec.music.dementia which is the Dr Demento Show newsgroup and thus the Mecca for novelty and comedy recording fanatics.
All the least pleasant aspects of the human condition are here. Sudden Death’s own recordings are named “Masturbate”, “Everybody Dies” and “Do You Piss In The Shower?” respectively. The latter is the most satisfying, an astonishingly well rhymed and rhythmed rap. Their material is not for the faint hearted. Both of Li’l Hank’s pieces, “I Met Santa On The Internet” and “Freeloading” are outstanding. The “Santa” number is truly a Christmas number for the nineties. Santa makes the twelve year old singer/surfer’s wishes come true, but only for the one Christmas, as the kid feels obliged to shop Santa to the FBI once Santa propositions him. Cyberpop meets cyberporn. “Freeloading” is about someone we all know and wish we didn’t; the friend [sic] who comes to stay and turns into the sponger from hell.
Some items relate to American television and will be somewhat mysterious to the British audience, such as None Of The Above’s “Barney’s On Fire” and “Dr Grumpus”. However, “Little Bits O’ Blue” by the same band is an incitement to hatred and violence against Smurfs; this should ensure a solid and loyal following in Britain from now on. The minimalist acts, Headhunter Country (“I Really Like Potatoes”, “Crash Airlines”, “Grants Rant”) and Mr Zipp (“McDiver”, “Quantum Steep”, “McDiver Background Sound Effects”) also require some perseverance from the uninitiated, but that persistence is rewarded. In particular, “I Really Like Potatoes” by Headhunter Country and “McDiver” by Mr Zipp make you snigger second and third time round, such that you look forward to hearing them again. Only high grade comedy has that effect.
All three Neverley Brothers works are superb, entertaining folk/rock pastiche and parody, especially “Reactor” and “Stealin’ Dylan’s Door”. Do not play “Talkin’ Little Debbie Pie Blues” to your grandparents, and I mean it. “Born To Shop” by Guns ‘N’ Charoses is a well- crafted Springsteen parody; Allan Sherman meets Weird Al Yankovic in the shopping mall.
Which leaves our very own Ben Murphy. Ben’s performances and the work of arch-parodist Ian Harris need no introduction here in the UK, but are probably new to American audiences. This tape contains two of their classics; the venomous Michael Jackson send-up, “Better Face” and the widely performed generic romantic parody “The Ultimate Love Song”. These recordings alone must be worth the price of a tape and postage. E-mail tjr0868@rit.edu for further details and enjoy the most entertaining freebie of the year.
Tony Parse The New Musical Netspress, London, England.
