Tag: Mark Bowden

I don’t think this one about Madonna was ever used. Certainly it forms part of the Bowden submission of January 1993 and was unused before then.

I don’t think it is a great lyric for a NewsRevue performance, although it does have its moments as a read.

Strange to think that, at the time of writing (December 2016) Madonna is still hanging around and UB40 are doing a comeback tour.

 

 

♬ NUDE FOR THOUGHT ♬

(To the Tune of “Food for Thought”)

CHORUS 1

I can see Madonna,

Posing in the nude,

She’s got nothing onna,

And some bits are quite rude.

 

VERSE 1

Customs at the airport,

They have seized her book,

While they file their report,

They’ll have a closer look.

 

VERSE 2

Look at nuns in custard,

See her with a sheep,

And I see she’s mustered,

A costume like Bo-Peep.

 

VERSE 3

Rude things with a candle,

Having oral sex,

Now she has her hands full,

Of fat enormous cheques.

 

CHORUS 2

I can see Madonna,

Standing in the buff,

I shall be a gonna,

If my wife sees this stuff.

 

I can see Madonna,

Posing in the raw,

She is not a stunna,

What did I buy this for?

Click here or below for a link to Food For Thought by UB40 with the original lyrics.

This was a very successful number, which ran for many weeks in many runs of NewsRevue, including the Christmas run I’m pretty sure and then the Bowden run in early 1993. 

It’s a belter, with potential for enough business to keep the audience laughing as well as thinking.

 

♬ COAL DIGGER ♬

(To the Tune of “Goldfinger” with an acapella horn section)

VERSES 1 & 2

Coal diggers,{ba ba ba}

Fear the man,

The man with the miners touch,

A minus touch.

 

Such,

A cold figure,{ba ba ba}

31,

John Major’s no friend of mine,

Nor’s Hestletine.

 

MIDDLE BIT 1

British Coal had a dose of the shits,

So decided to close half the pits,

And the miners all know they’ve been pissed on,

Cos the mining in-dustry’s gone.

 

VERSE 3

Dole figures,{ba ba ba}

Like the men,

Who live in a mining town,

Just won’t go down.

 

MIDDLE BIT 2

All the bosses in power are crass,

Cos they think that they need only gas,

So the miners are once again shafted,

By that coal black hearted bastard.

 

VERSE 4

John Major,{ba ba ba}

Hope he finds,

That trying to shut down coal,

Was an own goal.

 

copyright © Ian Harris 1992

Click here or below for a karaoke version of Goldfinger with the original lyrics on the screen.

 

This was a very successful song in NewsRevue. Not a laugh out loud song at all, but a biting/make you think lyric and room for some business.

“Care in the community” was one of that Major Government’s big things. Not much changes (he says, writing in December 2016).

The song ran for several runs towards the end of 1992 and was part of the early 1993 Bowden submission, although I’m not sure Mark used it.

 

♬ CLOSED TO YOU ♬

(To the Tune of “Close To You”)

(A vagrant wanders the stage, very scruffy, perhaps rummaging in bins, perhaps talking to himself incessantly, perhaps both.  The singer and chorus are clearly disturbed by him and hurry out of his way to take their positions.)

 

VERSES 1 & 2

Why do flies suddenly appear, every time you are near?

Just like fleas, they long to be, close to you.

 

Passers by all avert their eyes, with the fear that implies,

Traversees, don’t want to be, close to you.

 

MIDDLE BIT 1

Everyone who sees the poor believes it’s not their problem,

And the homeless ought to find a job to do,

So they hose the vagrants off the streets,

And hope they bugger off to Waterloo.

 

VERSE 3

That is why all the cops in town, wish that you weren’t around,

{cops in town….wish that you weren’t around}

Endlessly society’s closed to you.

 

INSTRUMENTAL

(During the instrumental the tramp dances with an inanimate object – e.g. a traffic cone – and talks gently to it – e.g. “Good evening, my dear.  Do you come here often.  The hyacinths are particularly beautiful this year.  Would you care for another glass of sherry?”)

 

MIDDLE BIT 2

When the Tories came to power, accountants got together,

And decided they could save a bob or two.

So they closed the residential homes,

Those Tories are more lunatic than you.

 

VERSE 4

That is why cranks roam round the town, since their homes were shut down,

{cranks roam town….since their homes were shut down}

Care in the community’s closed to you.

Care in the community’s closed to you.

 

(Either end it there, or dance off going “Waaahhh, closed to you”)

 

copyright © Ian Harris 1992

 

Click here or below for a link to Close To You by The Carpenters with lyrics on the screen.

 

This song was used in NewsRevue in late 1992 but I don’t think it made the Christmas run nor was it used in the early 1993 Bowden run.

Not my most subtle lyric.

I’m not sure it was especially topical either, other than (presumably) a revival of Fiddler on the Roof was on the go…but then there usually is a revival of that musical on somewhere.

 

♬ SNATCHBROKER SNATCHBROKER ♬

(A Song for Madame and Fresh Tart to the Tune of “Matchmaker Matchmaker”)

(MADAME:There’s no use you working here if you’re fussy, luv.  We have to put up with all sorts.  Accountants, judges, MPs, sports commentators, MPs who are also sports commentators…..)

 

FRESH TART:Snatchbroker, snatchbroker, hire out my snatch,

To men who’ll sleep, in the damp patch,

Snatchbroker, snatchbroker find one who’s clean,

With no germs that I may catch.

 

MADAME:Snatchworker snatchworker I’ll find the match,

Swallow his pride, straight down the hatch,

Snatchworker snatchworker he may well be,

A man who once worked for Thatch.

 

FRESH TART:Oh madame make him a lawyer,

Cos at least then he’ll stick to the rules;

MADAME:But my God the bastard will bore yer,

Cos they rarely know how to use their tools.

 

FRESH TART:Snatchbroker snatchbroker find me a man,

Who doesn’t need taking in hand;

MADAME:Fresh Tart, there’s one thing you must understand,

There’s not even one, in the land.

 

MADAME:Accountants won’t please you, cos they like to work in teams,

They take double entry to logical extremes,

But always pay the right money, true? true;

Try a politician, I may have the man for you,

Was in the cabinet (Aside: in ’62).

It is never easy cash, cos their ego’s hard to stand,

With their speeches and families and early day motions they don’t stay up for long.

 

FRESH TART:Snatchbroker snatchbroker thanks all the same,

I think that I’ll, keep off the game,

I’ll make some cash when I kiss and tell names,

BOTH:So tease your MPs,

No nights of vice,

No sucking toes,

No tax advice,

Until men come up to scratch.

Click here for a link to Matchmaker Matchmaker in the film of Fiddler On The Roof, with lyrics as subtitles. 

 

This one was too complicated by half. It would have been very difficult to sing/choreograph. It was a tricky subject (peace talks) and the choice of tune is slow for a comedy song.

I remember trying this out on/with work mates at a BDO Consulting training course. It didn’t go well, although we did have a laugh…at ourselves trying to sing it.

Still I submitted it a few times, including the January 1993 Bowden submission. I’m pretty sure to no avail.

If someone had simply come up with the guts to perform this lyric, I’m pretty sure that peace would have broken out in the Middle East. “Okay, okay, we’ll freeze settlements, we’ll stop terrorising people, just don’t sing us that dirgey song”.

 

♬ MIDNIGHT PLANE TO JORDAN ♬

(To the Tune of “Midnight Train to Georgia”)

VERSE 1

(VOICEOVER:Ladies and Gentlemen, Caesar’s Palace Las Vegas is proud to present, Gladys Flight and the Tips).

 

BA flew too far from Amman {too far from Amman, he couldn’t get there},

So he’s chartered a flight all of his own, oh-oh,

{He said he’s goin’} Said he’s goanna find the man {goanna find the man}

Ohhh-ohhh who runs Jordan land,

That peace talks left behind in the desert sand, oh no.

 

CHORUS 1

He’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan

{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh

Said he’s goin’ out to find {goin’ out to find}

An old King who’ll change his mind,

{Wherever he takes that flight, he’d better go and see that Hashemite}

Peace will be with him {I know it will}

On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}

He’d rather give up his oil {give up his oil}

Than let the peace talks decline {crude oil for peace this is not refined}

 

VERSE 2

He kept dreamin’ {dreamin’} ohhh that soon he would see Hussein

{that’s King Hussein, cos Saddam is insane}

And he’ll ask that Sunni whether he’ll come round soon for Dinar

{cash could make his dreams come true, ah-ha, oh-oh}

He’ll invite al-Assad {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}

And even Yitzhak Rabin {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}

But poor Yassar Arafat, has to take, the other’s scraps,

Oh yes he does, that’s how it is.

 

CHORUS 2

I know he’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan

{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh

Said he’s goin’ out to plan {goin’ out to plan}

A partition of the land

{He had better mediate, else it’s goanna be like ’48}

Peace will be with him {It better had}

On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}

He’ll have to find an accord {find an accord}

Where land is in high demand

(Repeat favourite bits  with ooh-oohs and aah-aahs while dancing off)

copyright © Ian Harris 1992

Click here or below for Gladys Knight and the Pips singing Midnight Train To Georgia with the original lyrics on the screen.

Here’s a revised version of the lyric which I tried again in September 1993:

MIDNIGHT PLANE TO JORDAN – PEACE TALKS VERSION

(To the Tune of “Midnight Train to Georgia”)
 
VERSE 1
 
El Al flew too far from Amman {too far from Amman, he couldn’t get there},
So he’s chartered a flight all of his own, oh-oh,
{I say he’s Warren} Say he’s Warren Christopher {Warren Christopher},
Ohhh-ohhh to see Mustapha,
Who is the guest-of-a, Jordan desert king, oh oh.
 
CHORUS 1
 
He’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan,
{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh
Said he’s goin’ out to find {goin’ out to find}
An old King who’ll change his mind,
{Wherever he takes that flight, he’d better go and see that Hashemite}
Peace will be with him {I know it will}
On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}
He’ll have to give up his oil {give up his oil}
Or let the peace talks decline {crude oil for peace this is not refined}
 
VERSE 2
 
Warren’s dreamin’ {dreamin’} ohhh that soon he will see Hussein
{that’s King Hussein, cos Saddam is insane}
And he’ll ask that Sunni whether he’ll come round soon for Dinar
{cash could make his dreams come true, ah-ha, oh-oh}
He’ll involve al-Assad {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}
And even Yitzhak Rabin {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}
And Hannan Ashwari, and Ya-sser Arafat,
Unless he sends, some other pratt.
 
CHORUS 2
 
Amd they’re all leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan
{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh
They’re all goin’ out to plan {goin’ out to plan}
A partition of the land
{Someone better mediate, else it’s gonna be like ’48}
Peace will be with them {It better had}
On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}
It’s hard to find an accord {find an accord}
Where land is in high demand.