A Miscellaneous, Mostly Middlesex, Day At Lord’s, 7 April 2016

I’m using some of my own time to help Middlesex CCC with its strategic planning. Richard Goatley, the new Chief Executive thought that AGM day would be a good opportunity to see lots of people, so I blocked out the whole day for Lord’s, starting there at 9:30, after clearing my e-mails and going to the gym.

I could describe the detailed conversations that morning with the MCC and ECB, but they are probably covered by the “I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you” protocol. (Unless you, dear reader, are Richard Goatley himself, in which case you wouldn’t need to read it here because you already have notes.)

After a pleasant lunch in The Lord’s Tavern, which Richard spent mostly signing forms for Dawid Malan, we met with Martin Hadland. Martin is doing a closely related piece of work around membership satisfaction and finding ways to boost membership. We went through the results of a members survey and discussed his impending focus groups with members. It all looks very well done so far and promises interesting ideas for improving the membership propositions.

I then had a pesky 90 minutes or so interval before the AGM. I had been expecting that interval, so had brought some reading matter with me. I went to the real tennis dedans viewing gallery. I shall eventually write up my new experience of learning to play real tennis. Suffice it to say here that I thought that I’d both get some reading done and also get my head into the game a little more.

I watched some very good players locked into a tight match. Then, just before 17:00, in walks a familiar face; Chris Stanton. He was in John Random’s Spring 1992 NewsRevue cast and was the lead performer on the first songs of mine that were ever performed there, two of which I have today blogged in honour of the chance encounter:

Chris and I had a very pleasant but brief chat, as his opponent turned up shortly after. I watched Chris play for a while, then left the viewing gallery to whizz through my e-mails before going to the meeting. Strangely, John Random had e-mailed one of his “Where Are They Now” messages to his NewsRevue alumni circle earlier in the day (Sarah Moyle spotted on the TV), so I e-mailed back to let everyone know that I had just seen Chris Stanton face-to-face!

Doubly ironic happenings, as real tennis is such a weird game, the rules could easily have emanated from a John Random sketch describing a fictitious game of John’s imagining. Richard Goatley doesn’t even believe that the game exists, despite the proximity of the Lord’s real tennis court to Richard’s office – like, next door!

I subsequently received the following missive from Random:

What a great idea. Real tennis is presumably the one where you don’t use the same prescriptions as Maria Sharapova.

 

My reply:

Absolutely not the same meds as Maria – she took Meldonium.  The performance enhancing drug of choice for real tennis is Sanatogen.

As a novice, I am sometimes asked to play with some of the more senior members – one pair I was up against when learning doubles had a combined age of around 178 and they are determined to still be playing next year as the world’s first ever nonagenarian tennis pair. Their secret simply has to be Sanatogen.

Next stop, the AGM. The formal part is covered by the aforementioned “I’d tell you but then I’d have to kill you” protocol. Believe me, the substance of a Middlesex AGM is not worth dying for, nor even worth the effort to attend were it not for the subsequent elements to the evening.

Suffice it to say that new Chair, Mike O’Farrell, while not as funny as outgoing Chair, Ian Lovett, ran a tight ship for the AGM, getting through the meeting with all business thoroughly covered and in record time. One type of gem replacing another type of gem in the chair; that’s my view.

The AGM is always followed by a very interesting pre-season forum; this year Angus Fraser, Dawid Malan and Richard Scott joined Richard Goatley on the panel for a very interesting discussion about cricket. Apparently Middlesex is a cricket club. I wish I’d realised that when I started work on the Middlesex strategy. Oh well.

Then a very enjoyable party for those members willing to stump up an ayrton for wine, cheese and a convivial opportunity to catch up with friends, grandees and friendly grandees. After the party, the conviviality was set to continue in the Tavern. Tired, I attempted to make my apologies, keen not to become both tired AND emotional. I explained that the metaphorical umpire’s finger had been raised, so I had no option but to go. It is very hard for cricket lovers to object to you going, when you put it like that.

A fruitful day, a lovely chance encounter and a most enjoyable evening.

 

Calling On The Mobile Phone, NewsRevue Lyric, 10 September 1994

Actually, the version I am showing first below, which I think is the version that ran in the show for much of that autumn, is dated 12 October 1994 – adapted as the story unfolded.

The piece works better as a solo for Princess Diana I think – the original one (further down this page) was a duet.

Not sure if memory is playing tricks on me, but I think the wonderful Sarah Moyle did an especially good Princess Di for this one.

The first of my lyrics on this theme was written a couple of years earlier and had a reasonable run of its own in the show – click here.

CALLING ON THE MOBILE PHONE – HEWITT REMIX
(To the tune of “Hanging on the Telephone”)

VERSE 1 – DIANA

I’m on the car phone I am calling from the Palace,
I call up Olly and I do it out of malice,
I hate the Queen, Prince Charles and Princess Alice;

I’m just calling on this mobile phone,
Hope no-one’s tracing up my mobile phone.

VERSE 2 – STILL DIANA

I get no answer so I’ll call up Major Hewitt,
I’ll take a chance and I am sure Winkie can do it,
We’d dine in France except I’m sure that I would spew it;

Oh he has a master nack,
I’ll kill Anna Pasternak,
I shall call that bastard back.

Be a nuisance with this mobile phone,
And I’ll sue them for this treasoned tome.

VERSE 3 – DIANA

I’ll call obsessively until some people show up,
Some say depressively but some say I should grow up,
I’ll eat a lettuce leaf and then I’ll have to throw up.

And so I’ll chunder on the mobile phone,
Steal Chuck’s thunder with my mobile phone,
You’d go under paying for this phone.

Here’s Blondie singing Hanging On The Telephone with lyrics on the screen:

For the completists amongst us, here is the earlier version, based around a duet with Oliver Hoare rather than Di singing solo about James Hewitt:

CALLING ON THE MOBILE PHONE

(To the tune of “Hanging on the Telephone”)

 

VERSE 1 – DIANA

 

I’m on the car phone I am calling from the Palace,

I call up Olly and I do it out of malice,

I hate the Queen, Prince Charles and Princess Alice;

 

I’m just calling on this mobile phone,

Hope no-one’s tracing up my mobile phone.

 

VERSE 2 – OLIVER HOARE

 

Please don’t laugh at me just because my name is Hoare,

(I said don’t laugh)

Di calls me up and so I’m sure that I could score,

I’m pals with Charles but he looks less good in the raw;

 

Oh a bloody call again,

Guess that cow will bawl again,

Drives me up the wall again.

 

That’s why I traced Diana’s mobile phone,

And have disgraced Diana’s use of phones.

 

VERSE 3 – DIANA

 

I’ll call obsessively until some people show up,

Some say depressively but some say I should grow up,

I’ll eat a lettuce leaf and then I’ll have to throw up.

 

And so I’ll chunder on the mobile phone,

Steal Chuck’s thunder with my mobile phone,

You’d go under paying for this phone.