I only kept my diary for the middle term of the formative year that was my first year at Alleyn’s School. I was given my first diary at the turn of 1974, after the first term. I lost interest in being a diarist after just four months. then I regained that interest and kept a diary constantly for the next 14 years.
Anyway.
One feature that pervades my diary during that second term of my secondary schooling is mentions of “drama” on Fridays. I clearly loved that class. My diary also shows that we had two English slots on a Friday morning, which I suspect encouraged Ian Sandbrook, our class and English teacher, to use that section of our English itinerary for the drama stuff.
Smart idea, giving us exciting stuff to do on a Friday morning; a slot that might otherwise be a graveyard slot. I never mentioned Mr McCarthey’s maths lessons, for example, in my Friday diary.
Some fellow 1S-istas might remember some aspects of those lessons. Mr Sandbrook might too. I’d love to hear about such memories. There are a few clues in my diary which I shall try to unpick as I go through the diaries. They might trigger some more memories from others.
But one aspect has stuck in my brain all of these 50 years. Just one couplet remains, but I know that, one week, Ian Sandbrook asked us to explore Greek myths as a source of drama and to write a short piece.
The Apple Of Discord, The Judgment Of Paris And The Drama Of 1S
I’m not sure whether Mr Sandbrook allocated us each a myth, or possibly got us all to explore the same myth, but my myth was the story of the “beauty contest” between Hera, Athena and Aphrodite, triggered by an angry goddess of discord, Eris, setting a challenging question on an apple. The contest was judged by Paris of Troy.
Paris was a prince unsuited to such a role, having been raised by peasants in ignorance of his regal origins. The gods had to send Hermes out to the middle of nowhere to get Paris for the judging. The modern me wonders whether Hermes initially left a card at the peasant hut, “sorry we missed you – we tried to collect you but you weren’t in…”. But Hermes must have collected and delivered fairly promptly, as he did whisk Paris to the party in time to be the impromptu judge.
Hera offered Paris wealth and power if he voted for her. Athena offered him knowledge and warrior-status. Aphrodite offered him the most beautiful mortal woman. Guess what?
The rest is history…or rather, the rest is Greek myth and saga.
My mum must have helped me to write my script. Of course almost all of it is lost in the mists of time and the late 1980s clear out of my juvenilia which my mum chose to implement without consulting me. I’m not yet over it.
But I remember one couplet from the piece, which has stuck in my head for these 50 years. It was a musical intro to the skit, set to the tune Eye Level by the Simon Park Orchestra, which was a big hit at the time. I suspect that this skit was probably a first term effort, because Eye Level was Number One in October 1973.
If you are Zeus or Hera or Ceres,
If you are Bacchus or Aphrodite;
If you are a Greek god,
Come dance with me.
A few things to unpick there, about which I was probably blissfully ignorant in 1973. Some interesting melisma on the words Ceres, Greek and god. Gives the thing a slightly ancient, plainchant-like quality. Almost certainly an accidental inclusion back then.
The names of a couple of Roman gods have got mixed up there with Greek ones. Ceres and Bacchus (Demeter and Dionysus respectively). I have no idea whether any of us in the Harris household knew or cared about that distinction. “Artistic licence” was my dad’s answer whenever some element of (in his case normally painting) work was called into that sort of question. I might have been very keen to have the word Bacchus in there, as we had visited the Temple of Bacchus in Baalbek (Lebanon) just a few weeks earlier:
If you are struggling to remember the tune, struggle no more. Here’s a vid of the Simon Park Orchestra performing Eye Level on TOTP back then…against the will of many of the musicians, judging by the expressions on their faces, Simon Park and an enthusiastic-looking tambourine-player aside:
Apart from the couplet, I think “my” skit was basically a sketch and meant to be a comedy rendering of the story. I have no idea whether or not it worked. The fact that I remember the couplet suggests that it might have gone down very well…or very, very badly. Actually all that my recollection of the couplet proves is that my mum probably got me to rehearse that bit over and over again so it wouldn’t sound too bad.
Fifty Years Later…We Can (Sort Of) Reconstruct This Performance Piece
Now, here’s the thing.
The above godly couplet might well have been my first attempt (albeit assisted by my mum) at writing comedy lyrics to a well known tune.
But it was far from my last.
Let’s put aside some sophomoric attempts in the 1980s, but by the early 1990s (and for most of the rest of that decade) I was regularly writing such material for NewsRevue, the world’s longest running live comedy show. My canon of silly, mostly topical, lyrics extends to several hundred pieces, almost all of which are published here on Ogblog, if you care to delve.
But can I still cut it? I decided, in January 2024 to set myself the challenge of writing a single lyric to cover the entirety of the Apple Of Discord/Judgment of Paris story.
After all, if I could successfully summarise the Balkan Wars in a comedy lyric, Mad Frogs And Englishmen, the initiation of the Trojan War should be similarly manageable.
Early in that second term of my first year at Alleyn’s, Eye Level was long gone from the charts. January 1974’s big hit was Tiger Feet by Mud.
Using Tiger Feet did prove to be a real challenge. With all due respect to “Chinnichap” songs, hugely successful though they were, the lyrics were not exactly the central conceit. Think Blockbuster, Devil Gate Drive and Mickey. Far from the style of Noel Coward’s Mad Dogs And Englishmen – a patter song with loads of space.
Still, I’ve been more than 50 years in the parody lyrics business now, so I should be able to give it a go. My lyric is written from the point of view of that much maligned character, Paris. It is by necessity a little sparse on detail, but I think I have managed to summarise the whole story in two short verses and choruses.
VERSE ONE
All night long, you’ve been enjoying a fest,
While Hermes brought me here to judge your beauty contest;
Eris left a discord apple,
With a judgment I must grapple,
Who’s the fairest and who’s the bitchiest?
…
CHORUS ONE
Alright,
That’s right, that’s right, that’s right, that’s right,
I’ll take the offer from Aphrodite (ee);
It’s keener, It’s keener, It’s keener, It’s keener,
Than that of Hera or Athena,
More exciting…and obscener.
…
VERSE TWO
So I’ll get to wed the beautiful Helen Of Troy,
A shame she’s already married to a different boy;
I’ve got a feeling in my water,
I should have picked someone else’s daughter,
But Helen’s face can a thousand ships deploy.
…
CHORUS TWO
Oy,
That’s poor, that’s poor, that’s poor, that’s poor,
I’ve triggered off the Trojan War;
That’s sad, that’s sad, that’s sad, that’s sad,
For Troy, the ending’s really bad,
The saga of The Iliad.
Drama Friday Revived…Just For One Day
I’m publishing this piece on Friday 12 January 2024, in the hope that it revives the Alleyn’s tradition of Drama Friday from 50-years ago, at least for one day.
I’ll send a copy to Sir (Ian Sandbrook), but it would be unfair to expect him to mark my homework and/or lead the class at such short notice.
But, as it happens, I am seeing my friend, John Random, a bit later in the day. He was the first NewsRevue director to use my material in the early 1990s and is now part English teacher, part thespian. I’ll ask John to mark my homework and I might even, eventually, let readers know how I got on.
Postscript: John Random Awarded The Lyric 10/10, While “Sir” (Ian Sandbrook) Marked My Homework That Very Day
Hi Ian – thought I should get back to you while it is still Friday… love the poem/song ! not sure how it would work as a piece of drama but I dare say IS would have made something impressive out if it. I am having some difficulty believing that we were so erudite back then. Happy new year. Best wishes, Ian”