Month: January 1993

Mating A Bull With A Heffer, NewsRevue Lyric, 31 January 1993

Genetic engineering has been in the news, on and off, for a heck of a long time. e.g. 25 years ago at the time of writing (February 2018).

I wrote this very ambitious lyric for NewsRevue back then.

I mistakenly didn’t think it had been used – the show was chock full of my songs at that time anyhow and I wrote this early in a new run.

Normally a song needed to be spectacularly good to displace established material.

I don’t think this is spectacular, but there are some good lines in there, though I say so myself…

…and Mark Bowden and his cast seemed to like my stuff a lot. Anyway, you can judge for yourselves:

 

MATING A BULL WITH A HEFFER

(To the Tune of “Stairway to Heaven”)

 

VERSE 1

There are breeders who show X and Y Chromosomes,

And they’re mating a bull with a heffer;

The sperm’s sex they confirm just by dying the sperm,

And dividing a pair with electrons.

Ooohhh, ooohhh, and they’re finding a fair way to sex them.

 

VERSE 2

Now the ladys who know fertilise in vitro,

With a polymerase chain reaction;

The girls check on the sex of the sprog that’s due next,

But their fellows miss out on the action.

Ooohhh and it makes me wonder, whooohhh is going to fund ‘er?

 

MIDDLE BIT ONE

Once they have dyed and charged the sperm up, in a tea cup,

I’m gonna put my new blue genes on;

But this genetic engineering has me fearing,

If this world is still where I belong.

Ooohhh and it makes me wonder, ooohhh suppose they blunder:

 

MIDDLE BIT TWO

They’ll cross a mussel with a hedgehog, you’ll hear alarm bells,

Now Sonic plays DNA games;

Led Zeppelin’s lyrics are pretentious, and if you’re drunk,

You may imagine that their words rhyme.

 

CLIMAX

And once they’re further down the road,

Geneticists will write a tome,

Then buy and sell genetic code,

Cos they will know human genome,

And once the scheme of youth is sold,

We’ll live to be ten thousand old,

And once our aging process’ slowed,

We’ll spawn a twenty legg-ed toad,

French restaurants will buy a load.

And they’re breeding a pear with a head on.

(Lead singer holds up a grotesque effigy which is a talking doll covered with a large plastic pear.  The doll says “Mama” and the lights blackout)

Here is a vid of Led Zeppelin performing Stairway To Heaven, with lyrics:

A Quiet January, Dates-wise, 30 January 1993

Not much in Janie’s and my diaries for Janiary 1993 other than work and stuff, although I am pretty sure that we were spending most weekend time together by then.

I guess we were starting down the road of being people with whom we could do nothing together.

I did a couple of bridge and bookwriting sessions without Janie. Janie seemed to have given up on French lessons by the start of 1993 but was still taking Saturday work and going to the odd chiropody meeting.

On Sunday 17 January, although there is nothing in my diary, Janie has a whole load of notes about Steve Bright’s attempt to repair one of my reel-to-reel tape recorders. We must have been together for that.

The following weekend Janie notes that Ros was coming on the Sunday and I am pretty sure I first met Ros then.

“Two years ago you met a mystic woman named Ros.” “You can tell all that from the coffee grounds? Amazing!”

We went to Kim and Micky’s for dinner on that Tuesday evening (26 January).

On Saturday 30 January Janie and I schlepped out to Wallington to Paul James’s place for a party at his house. Paul was one of the Binder Hamlyn Management Consultancy partners and I remember being surprised to be invited, although I was doing a tiny bit of work with him at that time.

I seem to recall Janie quite enjoying the party but not to the extent that justified the schlep to Wallington.

Marje Proops, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 January 1993

I’m not sure what gossip columnist Marjorie Proops did or had done to her in January 1993 – must have been something in the press – just gossip I think, about her having an affair with a relative youngster. She survived until late 1996.

Anyway, here is my lyric, which I don’t think made it to the show. The show was awash with my material at that time anyway.

Neat little lyric, though.

MARJE PROOPS

(To the Tune of “High Hopes”)

 

VERSE 1

If you want vice at a newspaper price,

There’s a lot to be learned so seek advice.

Just what made that youthful gallant,

Want to thrill an agony aunt;

Anyone knows a gallant can’t,

Move an agony aunt.

 

CHORUS 1

But he had Marje Proops,

He had Marje Proops,

He had back of a barge, nose too large Proops.

So if you’re reading a solemn,

Agony column,

Just recall that gallant.

Oops there goes another agony aunt,

{Oops there goes another agony aunt,}

Oops there goes another agony aunt.

 

VERSE 2

When troubles fall and your back’s to the wall,

There are lots of advisors that you can call.

Once there was an elderly vamp,

Wanted fun with a juvenile scamp,

That youngster made his damp stamp,

On the elderly vamp.

 

CHORUS 2

Cos he had Marje Proops,

He had Marje Proops,

He had light brigade charge, specs too large Proops.

So if you’re not feeling fine,

On your advice line,

Just recall that young scamp.

Oops there goes another elderly vamp,

{Oops there goes another elderly vamp,}

Oops there goes another elderly vamp.

Wham bam!

Here is a vid of the song “High Hopes”:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsrEsz7H5ZE

Here is a link to the Sammy Cahn lyrics to High Hopes…

…I clearly still had Sammy Cahn on my mind so soon after his passing and my obituary lyric for the great lyricist.

The Sammy Cahn Obituary Lyric, 18 January 1993

Back to Marje Proops – I remember people at school teasing me that my mum looked like Marje Proops – I think it was mostly the cruel spectacles to be honest>

Mum = Marje Proops lookalike?

Letter To Mark Bowden, NewsRevue, 22 January 1993

Here is a letter I wrote to director, Mark Bowden, just after the start of the first run of 1993.

He and his cast took a shine to my songs. Perhaps too much of a shine; the show was ram-packed with them.

Here’s a link to the submission I sent that crew on 4 January 1993 – click here.

The following letter was written the day after the opening night.  I’ll up the songs referred to therein as soon as I am able:

                                                                                                                               22 January 1993

 

Dear Mark

 

Congratulations on a grand opening night.  I enjoyed the show very much and get the feeling that the other writers felt the same.  Please pass on my felicitations to the team.

 

I promised you some comments (hopefully constructive ones) once I had sobered up so here they are.  These you may take or bin.

 

FEMIDOM

 

I think this song would go down better later in the show (once more people are more drunk).  Consider “Coal Digger” or “Prince Charlie” as the warm up number.  The metre baffled me.  For what it’s worth – here is the metre I intended and tested thoroughly (to rigorous BS5750 standards etc):

 

Loving you is so fantastic, inside a Femidom,

With your coat of thermoplastic, known as the Femidom;

This vaginal {this vaginal} polyvinyl {polyvinyl},

Is an artificial con,

Little darling let’s bonk and tonk, inside a Femidom {a Femidom}

We only bought the one, because the price is so steep,

By the time you got it on, I’d long since gone off to sleep; etc etc

 

WHITE HOUSE

 

Seemed a bit static – consider bringing the other rednecks on once they are mentioned – to create a bit more movement.  This is actually a very difficult song and you did it surprisingly well.

 

SLOBIDANS ARMY

 

Also a very difficult song – I thought the delivery was excellent.  I don’t really think the audience is supposed to laugh much until the last few lines – they should be half wanting to laugh and half thinking how awful it all is.  That balance came across very well I felt.  Consider substituting Sudan for Iran at the end as it has just hit the news this morning.

 

COAL DIGGER

 

Well done!  I’d like you to think about the metre on the following lines as the joke is lost unless it is right.

 

And the miners all – know they’ve been pissed on,

Cos the mining in-dustry’s gone.

 

MICHAEL JACKSON

 

Total triumph – very pleased with this one.  “There are people starving but I’m the last one laughing,” ended up negative somehow but otherwise I cannot imagine it being done better.

 

Hope all this helps – and its tough if it doesn’t help.

Well done once again to you all – look forward to seeing you soon.

Standing On The Dole Queue, NewsRevue Lyric, 20 January 1993

My log describes this one as “NewsRevue anthem/closing number”, so I think it was used for quite a few weeks.

There was a bit of a recession in the West End show world at the time. This lyric was fitting for NewsRevue at that time, for sure.

STANDING ON THE DOLE QUEUE

(To the Tune of “The Lambeth Walk”)

 

VERSE 1

When you’re down Theatreland,

See performers on the Strand;

Full cast and crew,

Standing in the dole queue;

Yeh.

 

VERSE 2

Me and my girl won’t survive,

Annie get P45;

Carmen Jones too,

Looking for work to do;

Yeh.

 

MIDDLE BIT

Dozens of West End sorties,

Collecting UB40s;

Now that you’ve done enjoyment,

Unemployment.

 

VERSE 3

If your West End show should fail,

You’ll soon be down Maida Vale;

Full cast and crew,

Trying for News Revue,

Yeh.

Here is a vid of the Lambeth Walk:

There are actually municipal instructions on how to do the Lambeth Walk – you can find them by clicking here.

You can see the lyrics to the song Lambeth Walk by clicking here.

I realise now that the “yehs” should be “ois” – what on earth was I thinking?

So Long Ma’m, I’m Off To Bomb Saddam, NewsRevue, 18 January 1993

These lyrics are a parody of Tom Lehrer’s marvellous tragi-comic song, So Long Mom.

Click here or below for a link to a YouTube vid showing one of Tom Lehrer’s renditions of his own wonderful song…

…and here is a link to the lyrics and chords.

I wrote my version during the metaphorical-interregnum between George H Bush and Bill Clinton.

It returns to my mind at the time of writing this (November 2016) with some trepidation while we await Donald Trump’s succession from Barack Obama. Oh dear.

♬ SO LONG MA’M ♬

(To the Tune of “So Long Mom”)

CHORUS 1

So long Ma’m,

I’m off to bomb Saddam,

So don’t wait up for me;

And while he’ll swelter,

In his air raid shelter,

Baghdad will be,

A pile of debris.

Saddam’s aggressive malarkey,

Means we shall slaughter Iraqis,

We don’t mind killing poor darkies,

To get our point across;

He’s upset George Bush and Billy Clinton,

And he’s made them jointly very cross.

VERSE 

Bill Jefferson Clinton is the US Pressie,

And no frightened jessie is he;

He and Bush agreed to write a massive hit list,

Forget pacifist,

Tendencies;

Bill is creating his mark,

Annihilating Iraq.

CHORUS 2

So long Ma’m,

I’m off to bomb Saddam,

So don’t wait up for me.

Perhaps I shall choose,

Tornado or cruise,

In order to free,

A Kurd and Sunni.

Now Bill is smoking less pot,

He’d like to kill a despot,

We’ll blanket bomb the best spot,

Within our range and space;

Annul Saddam and come back once over,

When another loony takes his place.

copyright © Ian Harris 1993

Here is a small update from late June 1993:

SO LONG MA’M – VERSION TWO

(To the Tune of “So Long Mom”)

CHORUS 1

So long Ma’m,

I’m off to bomb Saddam,

So don’t wait up for me;

And while he’ll swelter,

In his air raid shelter,

Baghdad will be,

A pile of debris.

Saddam’s aggressive malarkey,

Means we shall slaughter Iraqis,

We don’t mind killing poor darkies,

To get our point across;

He’s upset George Bush and tried to kill him,

Which has made Bill Clinton very cross (yeh).

VERSE 

Bill Jefferson Clinton is the US Pressie,

And no frightened jessie is he;

He and Colin Powell drew up a massive hit list,

Forget pacifist,

Tendencies;

Bill is now making his mark,

Annihilating Iraq.

CHORUS 2

So long Ma’m,

I’m off to bomb Saddam,

So don’t wait up for me.

Perhaps I shall use,

Tornado or cruise,

But don’t take offence,

This is self defence.

Now Bill is smoking less pot,

He’d like to kill a despot,

So blanket bomb the best spot,

Within our range and space;

Annul Saddam then come back once over,

When another loony takes his place.

I wrote a more substantial update 11 October 1994:

SO LONG MA’AM – AUTUMN 1994 REMIX
(To the Tune of “So Long Mom”)

CHORUS 1

So long Ma’am,
I’m off to bomb Saddam,
So don’t wait up for me;
And while he’ll swelter,
In his air raid shelter,
Baghdad will be,
A pile of debris.

Saddam’s aggressive malarkey,
Means we shall slaughter Iraqis,
We don’t mind killing poor darkies,
To get our point across;
He’s upset Kuwait and massed his forces,
Which has made Bill Clinton very cross (yeh).

VERSE

Bill Jefferson Clinton is the US Pressie,
And no frightened Jesse is he;
He and pal Al Gore drew up a massive hit list,
Forget pacifist,
Tendencies;
Bill is now making his mark,
Annihilating Iraq.

CHORUS 2

So long Ma’am,
I’m off to bomb Saddam,
So don’t wait up for me.
Perhaps I shall use,
Tornado or cruise,
But don’t take offence,
This is self defence.

Now Bill is smoking less pot,
He’d like to kill a despot,
So blanket bomb the best spot,
Within our range and space;
Annul Saddam then come back once over,
When another loony takes his place.

The Sammy Cahn Obituary Lyric, 18 January 1993

The great lyricist Sammy Cahn died in January 1993. I have written elsewhere – click here or below – about my tenuous connection with him and Frank Sinatra through Harold Davison:

I’ve Mushrooms Under My Skin, Lyric For NewsRevue and/or Frank Sinatra, 21 November 1992

Indeed Harold had told me that Sammy Cahn was impressed by my parody lyrics and had suggested that I try writing some original lyrics as my next move…which apparently had been the route (from parody to witty originality) that Sammy Cahn himself took as a youngster.

Whether that idea really did come from Sammy or was more Harold’s own thinking is lost in ancient history.

Harold had also told me that Frank Sinatra hated My Way, simply because he didn’t like the song…

…and that Sammy Cahn hated the fact that people tended to assume that he had written the lyrics to My Way, whereas it really isn’t his kind of lyric at all.

So in truth, this obituary lyric of mine was a bit of an in joke, which is why it probably never saw the light of day in public – I don’t think NewsRevue used it even in the week of his death.

I suspect this lyric did raise a quiet smile or more among “the in crowd” though, when Harold shared it with his pals. Re-reading it for the first time in ages, 25 years after writing it, I still like it.

                                             SAMMY CAHN OBITUARY SONG

                                                     (To the Tune of “My Way”)

VERSE 1

And now the end is here, and so I’ll darn a final lyric;

My friends, I’ll say it clear, that Sammy Cahn’s verse was satyric;

He liked pianos grand, he used a Bechstein and a Steinway,

And yet that Sammy Cahn, did not write “My Way”.

VERSE 2

I’ve heard this song before, I have high hopes it’s magic will pay;

Saturday night, teach me tonight, time after time I’ll go all the way;

Sam didn’t write “My Way”, the words are by some other wanker,

Jul-e Styne or Hammerstein? (thinks for a moment…….sudden flash of light)

No, t’was Paul Anka.

CHORUS 1

Sam wrote a lot with James Van Heusen,

Those songs were Sammy’s most amusin’;

“The Tender Trap” and “All the Way”,

And other crap for Doris Day,

Many a stanza,

For Mario Lanza,

All written Sam’s way.

VERSE 3

His choice it was to slog,

To come so far out from the ghetto;

A voice just like a frog,

But still a star for the libretto;

He wrote six thousand staves,

And even thirty on one Friday,

But not one of those lays, included “My Way”.

CHORUS 2

And there were times, I cannot lie,

When Sam worked hard to versify;

He tried to rhyme adorable,

With Sodom and Gamorable;

What woman’ll,

With criminal,

His rhymes worked Sam’s way.

Below is a vid of Frank Sinatra singing my way:

Or click here for the lyrics of My Way.

Misery Medley, Unused Snippets Meant For NewsRevue Or Whatever, 13 January 1993

These lyrics don’t go out of date, really. Nor would I imagine them ever being used in a topical show.

But they are not bad:

THE MISERY MEDLEY

(A Medley of Jolly Little Tunes by Our Favourite Swingers)

 

VAN MORRISON (To the Tune of “Moondance”)

Its a marvellous night for a moan, Van,

You’ll complain to your fans that you’ve missed;

A fantabulous chance to get stoned, Van,

And use words that you know don’t exist.

 

It’s a wonderful night for a moan, Van,

‘Cos you’re always depressed or irate;

It’s no wonder you’re always alone, Van,

In Belfast or in Notting Hill Gate.

 

You beat Brian Ferry, Eric Clapton and Rod,

But while they’re so merry you’re a miserable sod.

 

If I just hear one more moan, Van, I’ll too, go nuts;

If you just make one more groan, Van, I’ll spew, my guts.

 

 

NEIL YOUNG (To the Tune of “After The Goldrush”)

Well I dreamed I saw some ageing hippies howling,

Singing something about their hash,

There was David Crosby, Stephen Stills,

Neil Young and Graham Nash.

There was a pong emerging ‘cross the street,

Smelling like fermenting dung;

“We should all buy odour eaters for our feet”,

Sang a mournful Neil Young.

 

LEONARD COHEN (To the Tune of “So Long, Marianne”)

Come over to the window my little darling,

I’d like to try to break my neck;

I used to think I was a carefree jolly boy,

Now I’m a suicidal wreck.

So long, Leonard’s fans,

It’s time that we began,

To clench our fists,

And slash our wrists,

To end it all again.

Here is a vid of Moondance:

Here is a link to the lyrics of Moondance.

This vid of After The Goldrush has the lyrics – click here to go through to those and the vid or below just to see the vid:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1e3m_T-NMOs

Finally, here is a link to a live recording of So Long Marianne by Leonard Cohen, where you can click through here for the lyrics and vid or just watch the vid below:

 

Better Face, NewsRevue Lyric, 7 January 1993

This was probably my most successful NewsRevue song of all. It ran for months; perhaps even years and found its way into several “best of” runs, and some other shows. Ben Murphy recorded it and I seem to recall Jacqui Somerville taking it to German Radio.

But I never saw a penny for it myself, as I assigned the intellectual property rights to Save The Children as soon as I wrote it.

I remember writing it at Janie’s place over new year, while the family (Tony, Phillie and Charlie) were visiting; they were living in Germany at that time. Mark Bowden slotted the song into his January 1993 run – my comments from opening night are in the letter linked here.

Anyway, I am proud of my lyrics (below) and very pleased that they earned Save The Children more than a few quid.

Below is the Ben Murphy recording of the lyric from his album “Cover Of The Rolling Stone”. The preamble and conversational bit in the middle is Ben’s alone.

♬ BETTER FACE ♬

(To the Tune of “Heal The World”)

 

VERSE 1

There’s a mug that you see on your TV frequently,

‘Though I look differently I’m Michael Jackson;

It may be a surprise ‘cos you may not recognise,

The new bits that my plastic surgeon tacks on.

I may have a face lift, a nose job or a skin shift,

To have a better face and a different race.

 

CHORUS 1

Every year, I’m gonna have a better face,

Both my eyes and my nose will be in a different place;

Now my cheeks need grouting,

And my lips have been fixed pouting,

It’s the strangest face that you’ve ever seen.

 

VERSE 2

The third world’s misery to the music industry,

Is the best chance we have to make a living;

War and famine is sad but it doesn’t seem as bad,

When you’re taking much more than you are giving.

There are people starving but I’m the last one laughing,

I’ll get a better place in the record race.

 

CHORUS 2

In the charts, I’m gonna get a better place,

Discs of gold and platinum are added to my case;

‘Though the poor are dying,

I’m not the one who’s crying,

It’s the best chart place that I’ve had for years.

 

CHORUS 3 – MUSIC SWELLS, ENTER CHORUS

Change the key, and sing at a better pace,

Bring in chorus of alto, contralto and a bass;

‘Though the songs a cliche,

You know that I’ll release a,

Song that demonstrates the space twixt my ears.

A song that demonstrates the space twixt my ears.

 

written by Ian Harris – copyright 1993 © Save The Children Fund

Click here or below for a link to the Michael Jackson Heal the World, with lyrics.

 

Designer, NewsRevue Lyric, 5 January 1993

This lyric was a late entry on the Bowden submission; so much so that the lyric is dated after the date on the submission note.

I don’t think he used this lyric. I was not sure anyone used it…until I found this letter from Michael Eriera, click here. Michael used it rather well.

I’m glad, because I think it is rather good. Perhaps not ideal for NewsRevue, though.

I’m pretty sure Janie liked my lyric, though. And Anthea.

♬ DESIGNER ♬

(To the Tune of “Delilah”)

VERSE 1

I turned away when I saw C&A on her label,

As I grew tenser skirts from Marks and Spencer were worn;

Shoes came from Dolcis,

Had she not been so alluring I’d have left in scorn.

CHORUS 1

I shall not deny her,

Fine garb I must buy her,

Sod the cost,

I’ll get her a shirt from Lacoste,

The garments I buy her will restore the love I have lost.

VERSE 2

I thought she’d swoon when we went to Monsoon the next morning,

She seemed perplexed when we filled Next The Gap in her range;

Mad Dash to Naff Naff,

She lost her Principles in The Warehouse and turned strange.

CHORUS 2

She does look diviner,

Now that I refine her,

Clothes from Elle,

Scent from YSL or Chanel,

But the Geiger counter would take all Armani to hell.

VERSE 3

She changed her ways came home with some Hermes and I worried,

Soon only Gucci, Escada and Pucci she’d wield;

I wore Browns trousers,

She simply bought clothes from Zandra Rhodes or Bruce Oldfield.

CHORUS 3

Why why why designer?

Why not made in China?

Haute couture,

From Jean Muir or Christian Dior,

With all this designer I just can’t afford any more,

With all this designer I just can’t afford any more.

copyright © Ian Harris 1993

Click here or below for a link to Delilah as sung by Tom Jones with the original lyrics on the screen.