This is not one of my better lyrics and I’m pretty sure it never made the show.
BETTER THE LEADER YOU KNOW
(To the Tune of “Better The Devil You Know”)
WOGANESQUE VOICE:Good evening and welcome to the Eurotory leadership contest. The UK jury is definitely out tonight as we go over now to hear this year’s losing entry by the UK Tory Party.
VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR
One thing about those Tory blues,
They rarely treat their leaders true;
When I do something not quite right,
They’re round with long knives in the night.
It is a chore to be PM,
But the job’s mine and not for them.
CHORUS 1 – STILL JOHN MAJOR
Better the leader you know than the leader you don’t,
Oh yes, oh yes,
I can buy a little time by sacking Lamont,
Oh yes oh yes;
Better the leader you know than the leader you don’t.
VERSE 2 – MAGGIE THATCHER
I tell him he’s a wally almost every day,
I’m out of my head or so the brain shrinks say;
He wont assert himself like the real Tory men,
He’s got the key to my place, meaning Number 10.
You know I’ve more spunk than those men,
We’ll junk John then I’ll run again.
CHORUS 2 – MAGGIE THATCHER
Better the leader you know than the leader you don’t,
Ah ha, ah ha,
I can cause a lot of fuss while these new Tories wont,
Ah ha, ah ha.
OUTRO
MAJOR:Don’t chose Portillo,
THATCHER:Or Hestletine;
BOTH:No peccadillos, that job is mine.
Better the leader,
Better the leader you know than the leader you don’t.
The above lyrics work to the tune of Better The Devil You Know, which was the UK’s Eurovision entry in 1993. Decide for yourselves whether my lyric or the Eurovision song is more dreadful: