Month: April 1994

Something in the news about Barbra Streisand and merchandising must have triggered this thought. I don’t think the lyric was used. I couldn’t spell Barbra back then, either.

_ MERCENARY _
(To the Tune of “Memories”)

(Should be sung in a “mock Streisand/Bronx” accent, faster than the recorded version)

VERSE 1

Mercenary,
I smell loads of lovely dosh;
Costly ultra-pricy merchandise,
Is the way I earn.

VERSE 2

Tacky pictures,
That’ll cost you twenty quid;
Seats you’ve paid for ten times over,
For the fees I earn.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Can it be that it is all so lucrative,
Have Streisand’s fan clubs lost their minds;
And if they had a chance to book it all again,
Tell me would they?
Should they?

VERSE 3

Mercenary,
I may be prosperous, and yet,
Once I’ve bought some fancy jewellery,
I might still land up in debt.

OUTRO

But Barbara Streisand’s,
A lovely little earner;
Yes more than Tina Turner,
I have ways to earn.

Below is a video with Barbra Streisand singing The Way We Were with lyrics on the screen:

I wrote quite a few about the health service and in particular about how I felt the Tory government was running it down. This was not one of my best pieces on that topic and I don’t think it was used. I probably wrote it on the back of a request for a new one on that topic.

_ YOUNG, HEALTHY AND FIT _

(To the Tune of "Young, Gifted and Black")

VERSE 1 – HEALTHY YOUNGSTERS

Young, healthy and fit,
They love us in the NHS;
Because we don’t need them one bit,
And their finance is in a mess.
So we’re feeling relieved,
As the public’s been deceived,
Now you’re young, healthy and fit,
Or in the shit.

VERSE 2 – SICKLY OLDSTERS

Old, crippled and weak,
Oh what a ghastly way to be;
Cos when we were at our peak,
We could have got some therapy.
But we’re feeling real low,
Cos we can’t get our physio,
So we’re old, crippled and bled,
Might as well be dead.

Below is a video with Bob & Marcia singing Young Gifted And Black with the lyrics on the screen:

One of two non-musical items I wrote that day. It has a #MeToo feel to it, as I read and post it 25 years later, in April 2019, when, coincidentally, the political correctness (or lack thereof) of the James Bond franchise is back in the news.

If you need to identify the characters purportedly seeking the role of Bond, here are links on each:

• Prime Minister John Major
• Comedian/actress Jo Brand
• Aristocrat (latterly Duke of Marlborough) Jamie Blandford
• Conservative socialite aka The Spanish Firecracker, Bienvenida Buck.

BOND
 
(The James Bond Theme Tune should be played throughout)
An American Casting Director (CD), possibly offstage/amplified, calls each hopeful in turn.
 
CD:OK everyone. We’ve got lots of you applying for the part of James Bond, so if we can just move through these auditions efficiently that will be mighty helpful. First one please. Name.
MAJOR:My name is Major. John Major.
CD:Try saying “my name is Bond, James Bond” in a macho voice.
MAJOR:(totally normal major voice) My name is Bond. Not inconsiderably James Bond, oh yes.
CD:Hopeless. Next.
 
BRAND:My name is Brand. Jo Brand.
CD:Hey, you’re macho enough. What is you’re unique selling point as 007, Jo?
BRAND:I’m fat, I’m ugly, and once a month I get blood gushing out of my cunt.
CD:That’s pretty unique. But not quite what we’re looking for. Next.
BRAND:(Trying the Jo Brand feminine bit) Mmmm, big boy. That’s a comfy looking casting couch you’ve got there. Would you like me to join you on it?
CD:Not me baby, you’ve got the wrong species. Next.
(The music stops as the pianist staggers forward, drink in hand)
 
JAMIE:My name is Blandford, hic, James Blandford.
CD:Hey, pretty good CV here for James Bond: you’re used to drinking, womanising, going off to lots of expensive locations and doing all those things on somebody else’s cheque book.
JAMIE:Hic, so have I got the part? Hic.
CD:No you haven’t. Our James Bonds have to dry out after they’ve made a few movies, not before. Next.
JAMIE:Oh, hic, well will you call me a taxi please my good man.
CD:You’re a taxi. Now get the hell outta here. Next.
 
(The music restarts)
BUCK:My name is Buck. Big Buck.
CD:Hey, you’re different. Try saying “My name is Bond, James Bond” in a macho voice.
BUCK:(in totally Bienveneda voice) My name is blond. fake blond.
CD:And what makes you think you’re suitable for the role of 007?
BUCK:Mmmm, big boy. That’s a comfy looking casting couch you’ve got there. Would you like me to join you on it?
CD:OK, you can have the part. You can have my part anyway. Let’s talk about the role some more on the couch.

This lyric refers to the very public marital breakdown between singer-songwriter Billy Joel and the model Christie Brinkley.

Many Billy Joel song titles are scattered throughout the lyric.

_ YOU’RE STILL LOOKING OLD TO ME _
(A Duet For Billy Joel & Christie Brinkley To “It’s Still Rock And Roll To Me”)

VERSE 1

BILLY:What’s the matter with my old wife lately?
CHRISTIE:Don’t you know that I’m Christie Brinkley.
BILLY:Why complain about the way I treat you?
CHRISTIE:Cos you say that I’m old and wrinkly.
BILLY:It was months ago that we separated,
CHRISTIE:And even longer since you ejaculated.
BILLY:Face lift, skin shift, plastic for your boob drift,
You’re still looking old to me.

VERSE 2

CHRISTIE:What’s the matter with the clothes I’m wearing?
BILLY:Can’t you tell that you’ve spent to much.
CHRISTIE:Maybe I should buy some nice fur collars?
BILLY:Then you’ll look just like Basil Brush.
CHRISTIE:Why are you not writing songs lately honey?
I can’t look good unless I spend a lot of money.
BILLY:Uptown, downtown, even one called Allentown,
CHRISTIE:They all sound the same to me.

MIDDLE BIT

BILLY:Oh it doesn’t matter what I Tell Her About It,
Cos I want you Just The Way You Aren’t;
CHRISTIE:In my mind My Life spun, Only The Good Die Young,
When my ‘copter crashed down in the park,
BILLY:Shame that it wasn’t Iraq.

VERSE 3

BILLY:What’s the matter with the girls I’m dating?
CHRISTIE:Don’t you know that they’re much too young.
BILLY:You’re just jealous cos you’re no spring chicken,
CHRISTIE:They should put you in an Iron Lung.
BILLY:Don’t you know that I’m a new man honey,
CHRISTIE:Soon the CSA will get your last bit of money.
BILLY:Wrong bloke, I’m broke, spent it all on snorting coke,
She’s always a scrounger to me.
CHRISTIE:Stingy Billy’s saying that he’s skint now,
Funny, but he’ll still pay me alimony.

Below is Billy Joel singing It’s Still Rock’n’Roll To Me:

Here is a link to the lyrics of It’s Still Rock’n’Roll To Me.

Lyrics was more my thing, but occasionally I’d try my hand at a short sketch or a quickie…with only moderate success.

FRIENDLY FIRE
(Two US Marines, one private and one officer, are observing the night sky.)
PRIVATE:Sir. We’ve been stuck out in this hell hole for months now. Will no one or nothing save us from this fate worse than death.
OFFICER:Shut the fuck up Spunkmeyer and keep watch.
PRIVATE:Yessir.
(in a state of some excitement)
Look, Sir, up in the sky. Is it a bird……is it a plane…….
OFFICER:Who gives a damn, Shmuckburger. Gun down the sonofabitch.
PRIVATE:Yessir. Rightaway, Sir.