One of two non-musical items I wrote that day. It has a #MeToo feel to it, as I read and post it 25 years later, in April 2019, when, coincidentally, the political correctness (or lack thereof) of the James Bond franchise is back in the news.
If you need to identify the characters purportedly seeking the role of Bond, here are links on each:
- Prime Minister John Major
- Comedian/actress Jo Brand
- Aristocrat (latterly Duke of Marlborough) Jamie Blandford
- Conservative socialite aka The Spanish Firecracker, Bienvenida Buck.
BOND
(The James Bond Theme Tune should be played throughout)
An American Casting Director (CD), possibly offstage/amplified, calls each hopeful in turn.
CD:OK everyone. We’ve got lots of you applying for the part of James Bond, so if we can just move through these auditions efficiently that will be mighty helpful. First one please. Name.
MAJOR:My name is Major. John Major.
CD:Try saying “my name is Bond, James Bond” in a macho voice.
MAJOR:(totally normal major voice) My name is Bond. Not inconsiderably James Bond, oh yes.
CD:Hopeless. Next.
BRAND:My name is Brand. Jo Brand.
CD:Hey, you’re macho enough. What is you’re unique selling point as 007, Jo?
BRAND:I’m fat, I’m ugly, and once a month I get blood gushing out of my cunt.
CD:That’s pretty unique. But not quite what we’re looking for. Next.
BRAND:(Trying the Jo Brand feminine bit) Mmmm, big boy. That’s a comfy looking casting couch you’ve got there. Would you like me to join you on it?
CD:Not me baby, you’ve got the wrong species. Next.
(The music stops as the pianist staggers forward, drink in hand)
JAMIE:My name is Blandford, hic, James Blandford.
CD:Hey, pretty good CV here for James Bond: you’re used to drinking, womanising, going off to lots of expensive locations and doing all those things on somebody else’s cheque book.
JAMIE:Hic, so have I got the part? Hic.
CD:No you haven’t. Our James Bonds have to dry out after they’ve made a few movies, not before. Next.
JAMIE:Oh, hic, well will you call me a taxi please my good man.
CD:You’re a taxi. Now get the hell outta here. Next.
(The music restarts)
BUCK:My name is Buck. Big Buck.
CD:Hey, you’re different. Try saying “My name is Bond, James Bond” in a macho voice.
BUCK:(in totally Bienveneda voice) My name is blond. fake blond.
CD:And what makes you think you’re suitable for the role of 007?
BUCK:Mmmm, big boy. That’s a comfy looking casting couch you’ve got there. Would you like me to join you on it?
CD:OK, you can have the part. You can have my part anyway. Let’s talk about the role some more on the couch.