The log suggests this was written in September but the electronic file is dated 24 October 1994.
This was all around Z/Yen start up time; I don’t recall if it was used or not…it blooming well should have been.
I DON’T WANT TO GO TO HAITI (To the Tune of “I Don’t Want To Go To Chelsea”)
VERSE 1
Photographs of Haiti’s tricks, Could be as daft as Bay of Pigs; Bill Clinton smokes but don’t inhale, He launches fleets but don’t set sail; We shafted Vietnam and we fucked up the Somalis, We don’t sit around and talk like your Boutros Boutros Ghalis, But when we go off to fight we look like a bunch of Charlies;
CHORUS 1
Now Bill and Raoul are in cahoots and matey, I don’t want to go to Haiti; Oh no, it’s not strategic, Don’t want to end up paraplegic; I don’t want to occupy, I don’t want my pals to die, I don’t give a fuck for Haiti.
VERSE 2
Photographs of Clinton’s daughter, Her nose is bent as Shirley Porter, She is so spoilt it’s a disgrace, She wears her teeth in mum’s embrace; She is a little flirt when she walks out with her waddle, She’s a real daddies girl but he talks a load of twaddle, So she can’t walk and fart without getting in a muddle;
CHORUS 2
They say she keeps fit but she looks so unhealthy, I don’t want to go with Chelsea; Oh no she won’t get tongue-kissed, Until she’s seen her orthodontist; I don’t want to meet her folks, Those Clintons are a bunch of jokes, I don’t want to go with Chelsea.
Even if you don’t like my lyric, here is Elvis singing I Don’t Want To Go To Chelsea with the lyrics on screen – worth the price of admission alone:
Postscript: proof positive that the lyric was used and that it must have been written in late September 1994 originally. John Random has uncovered the running order from the October 6th week – see below.
I left BDO at the beginning of August with a view to most of
the others joining at the start of October 1994. Michael was not permitted to
join until early 1995. So for seven or eight weeks, I was technically on my own,
setting up Z/Yen.
In Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy, there is a story about Golgafrinchans, a race of humanoid beings on another planet, who were the true ancestors of humanity. The Golgafrinchans divided their society into three distinct groups; thinkers, doers and middle-folk, the latter group of which were deemed useless and so were launched off into space, purportedly to be the advance party for a relocation of the entire society, but in reality to enable the thinkers and doers to stay put and thrive on their own planet.
Now I like to think of myself as part thinker, part doer,
but there were times during that late summer when I wondered whether I has been
launched as a Golgafrinchan-style advance party.
Not that I was entirely on my own. My diary shows an evening session with Michael on 9 August, which resulted in a massive “to do” list for establishing Z/Yen, “Z/Yen Notes”, available for inspection here.
In addition to the tasks on that list, I wrote an initial business plan, also available for inspection here. I also finished off several client assignments on an associate basis after leaving the old firm. My diary for those weeks looks ridiculous – it was a ludicrously busy time.
Example of a ludicrously busy week
It was hard to get businesses started in those days. It was
impossible to find premises without 12 months or more trading record, but how
were we supposed to get a trading record without space. Thank you, Nick
Pickering of Rochester Partnership for helping us with space for that early
part of Z/Yen’s life.
It was a similar “Catch 22” with start-up business finance in those days. Michael, Elisabeth, Janie and I took Z/Yen’s initial business plan to the South of France late August – we had to pitch it to our prospective external investors at Eli Wallitt’s villa in Saint-Cézaire-sur-Siagne, near Grasse.
Grasse rooftops
We all stayed in Nice at the Hotel Windsor. My financial records show that we ate one night at Le Farniente, which is still there 25 years later. We also ate at a place named Au Bistroquet which is harder to track down now.
I especially recall the convoy drive up to Saint-Cézaire; Michael and Janie had very different ideas on driving speeds on unfamiliar mountain roads in little hired cars from Avis; I expect it looked like a latter-day version of the car chase scenes in Monte Carlo or Bust!
OK, in truth these photos are of my parents’ visit to that same Provence-Alpes-Côte d’Azur part, in 1958.
That initial financing arrangement did not end at all well, but that debacle came later – part of Z/Yen’s Book of Exodus – whereas this promordyall chronique is Z/Yen’s book of Genesis.
I did still find time for writing some silly stuff. There was a leaving do for several people on 30 August at Corney and Barrow. In fact, I think, technically, that was my leaving do as well. I’d had an informal, smaller gathering of friends at the same venue on 12 August at my own expense, but I think the 30 August thing was laid on by the firm. I produced a handout for the evening, which I think went down well.
I do also recall around that time some farcical conversations with the Companies House people, who struggled to register our little group of companies because different departments, that didn’t speak with each other, dealt with holding companies and subsidiary companies. The holding companies got bounced because they didn’t have subsidiaries, while the subsidiaries got registered to (at the time) non-existent holding companies. Technically speaking, this might mean that Z/Yen has never has existed at all; an intriguing thought.
At several
points, I thought the business wouldn’t be ready to start trading on 1 October
1994, but of course we were able to open our doors (or I should say one door, for
one room in Gresham Street) that day.
…well this news story about a fatal accident when a Roll-on/roll-off ferry capsized had insufficient time distance to be made into comedy. Or possibly simply couldn’t ever be made into comedy.
I assigned the intellectual property rights to the RNLI for this one, but it never got that far. Still, they’ve had plenty of my dosh other ways since.
_ ROLLING ON, ROLLING OFF _
(To the Tune of “Knowing Me, Knowing You”)
CHORUS
Rolling on, rolling off, {ah-haaaaaa} Safety checks were not enough; Rolling on, rolling off, {ah-haaaaaa} The Baltic Sea is cold when you’re in the buff. {fucking cold when in the buff} Hyperthermia’s not freezing I know, But my blood won’t flow; We were all rolling off, Cos these ferries are duff.
Below is a video of Abba singing Knowing Me Knowing You with lyrics on the screen:
I cannot remember the context of this spoof letter of complaint, other than the fact that John was working for BACTA – perhaps that was a new thing at that time. I can only assume that the Anchor House thing was some sort of a charity lottery.
Nearly 25 years later, John is once again working for BACTA and might find this letter “helpful”.
Any recollections from your end will be much appreciated, John.
One small additional point for any geeks who might still be reading – this was, I believe, the very last letter I ever wrote using WordPerfect.
Ian Harris 12 Clanricarde Gardens London W2 4NA Tel: (071) 243-0725 Fax: (071) 229-2967 Internet: zyenilh@zyenharri.win-uk.net Compuserve: 100434,1552
Mr John S White 27 September 1994 BACTA Bacta House Regents Wharf 6 All Saints Street London N1 9RQ
Dear Mr White
GAME FOR A CURSE
I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms. Last week I had the misfortune to enter a certain Anchor House, at which address I was induced by a resplendent banner to enter the aforementioned Game For A Curse competition. I was promised “thousands of cash prizes” for my not insignificant investment of 50p. Imagine my surprise and horror when I ascertained that my investment had been entirely lost. None of the promised cash prizes came my way (the offending card is enclosed for your perusal and comment).
I am not one of life’s losers, Mr White, and I assure you that the matter will not stop here. The gaming board shall hear of this, as shall the responsible Minister and/or the President of the Board of Trade.
Innocent citizens like myself should not be subjected to this humiliation and defeat. I very nearly won £1,000 (look at the card carefully) and therefore believe that the said prize should be mine by virtue of the error that you have clearly made with regard to the supply of a non-winning card.
Don’t try to get me under Schedule 1a of the Lotteries and Amusements Act 1976 or I shall see to it that you are done under the Pedants and Irascible Old Gits Act of 1962. Two can play at this game, Mr White, so watch it.
Some rare long intervals between visits to theatre and concert hall that summer, all down to the dawning of my business Z/Yen, which took up ludicrous amounts of time including weekends.
Another of my personal NewsRevue favourites. Another perennial. It was used a lot in NewsRevue in the mid 1990s.
OLD BOYS
(To the Tune of “Oh Boy”)
VERSE 1
All our class,
All our status,
The proletariat rightly hate us;
Old boys, we’re pals from school,
Old boys, I held your tool,
And now you scratch my back.
VERSE 2
All our lives,
We’ve been a-waiting,
For high class mutual….fund creating;
Old boys, jobs for our people,
Old boys, we don’t want equal,
Opportunities.
MIDDLE EIGHT
DTI say we’ve been a-stealing,
Because we’ve been insider dealing;
We buy shares when they’re low and sell them when they’re high,
With tip offs from chaps in our old school tie.
VERSE 3
All through our,
Fine education,
We learnt the best means of exploitation;
Old boys, we are a team,
Old boys, we take the cream,
And milk the country dry.
Old boys!!
We’ll put to one side the fact that I sort-of went to the “right” sort of school (Alleyn’s) myself. Suffice it to say that I personally neither indulged in the schoolboy behaviours nor the commercial behaviours described in the lyric. Nor am I aware of any such activity among my fellow alumni from Alleyn’s school.
It’s October 2018 as I write and apparently I can’t do English irony…never could it seems…according to the leader of her majesty’s loyal opposition at least.
Of course the term “DTI” in a UK context is outdated at the time of writing but it doesn’t take much wit to replace that term with, for example, “FCA”.
Here is a video of Buddy Holly & The Crickets singing Oh Boy:
…and the following is the record version with lyrics on the screen:
OLD BOYS – EXECUTIVE PAY REMIX
(To the Tune of “Oh Boy”)
VERSE 1
All our class,
All our status,
The proletariat rightly hate us;
Old boys, we’re pals from school,
Old boys, I held your tool,
And now you scratch my back.
VERSE 2
All our lives,
We’ve been a-waiting,
For high class mutual….fund creating;
Old boys, jobs for our people,
Old boys, we don’t want equal,
Opportunities.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Greenbury say’s we’ve raped the nation,
Because we run huge corporations;
Buy options when they’re low and sell them when they’re high,
But only tax the stuff for the small time guy.
VERSE 3
All through our,
Fine education,
We learnt the best means of exploitation;
Old boys, we are a team,
Old boys, we take the cream,
And milk the country dry:
We milk the country dry.
When I left Binders and started Z/Yen, I traded as a sole trader for a couple of months while forming the group of companies and getting the corporate business ready to trade.
I was very careful to make sure that all of my self-employed income was properly invoiced and recorded at that time. Following consultattion with the tax authorities on the phone, we agreed that, for that short period of time, I couldn’t/shouldn’t try to separate my writer/media self from my business start-up self, so for a short while I invoiced my writing activities through Z/Yen and even (for some of the weeks) paid over VAT on the royalties.
This was the second of the invoices, raised on the same day as the first. The electronic version of the first seems to have become corrupted, but I shall probably be able to dig out a physical version of it and scan it up to Ogblog in the fullness of time.
I will have raised the invoice only after receiving the dosh, so Harriet will not have had to do anything with the invoice – I suspect she studied it for at least 5 seconds before deep filing it in the wastepaper basket. Harriet?
Despite my efforts, I have not been able to find out who you are yet. No matter, we shall meet soon no doubt. I enclose your starter pack of lyrics and tape for my offerings. The pack consists of new songs, and one or two rewrites of older ones etc. If you want me to work on an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.
Feel free to call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Actually, the version I am showing first below, which I think is the version that ran in the show for much of that autumn, is dated 12 October 1994 – adapted as the story unfolded.
The piece works better as a solo for Princess Diana I think – the original one (further down this page) was a duet.
Not sure if memory is playing tricks on me, but I think the wonderful Sarah Moyle did an especially good Princess Di for this one.
CALLING ON THE MOBILE PHONE – HEWITT REMIX
(To the tune of “Hanging on the Telephone”)
VERSE 1 – DIANA
I’m on the car phone I am calling from the Palace,
I call up Olly and I do it out of malice,
I hate the Queen, Prince Charles and Princess Alice;
I’m just calling on this mobile phone,
Hope no-one’s tracing up my mobile phone.
VERSE 2 – STILL DIANA
I get no answer so I’ll call up Major Hewitt,
I’ll take a chance and I am sure Winkie can do it,
We’d dine in France except I’m sure that I would spew it;
Oh he has a master nack,
I’ll kill Anna Pasternak,
I shall call that bastard back.
Be a nuisance with this mobile phone,
And I’ll sue them for this treasoned tome.
VERSE 3 – DIANA
I’ll call obsessively until some people show up,
Some say depressively but some say I should grow up,
I’ll eat a lettuce leaf and then I’ll have to throw up.
And so I’ll chunder on the mobile phone,
Steal Chuck’s thunder with my mobile phone,
You’d go under paying for this phone.
Here’s Blondie singing Hanging On The Telephone with lyrics on the screen:
For the completists amongst us, here is the earlier version, based around a duet with Oliver Hoare rather than Di singing solo about James Hewitt:
CALLING ON THE MOBILE PHONE
(To the tune of “Hanging on the Telephone”)
VERSE 1 – DIANA
I’m on the car phone I am calling from the Palace,
I call up Olly and I do it out of malice,
I hate the Queen, Prince Charles and Princess Alice;
I’m just calling on this mobile phone,
Hope no-one’s tracing up my mobile phone.
VERSE 2 – OLIVER HOARE
Please don’t laugh at me just because my name is Hoare,
(I said don’t laugh)
Di calls me up and so I’m sure that I could score,
I’m pals with Charles but he looks less good in the raw;
Oh a bloody call again,
Guess that cow will bawl again,
Drives me up the wall again.
That’s why I traced Diana’s mobile phone,
And have disgraced Diana’s use of phones.
VERSE 3 – DIANA
I’ll call obsessively until some people show up,
Some say depressively but some say I should grow up,
I’ll eat a lettuce leaf and then I’ll have to throw up.
