Month: January 1995

Tory Rebel, NewsRevue Lyric Written Jointly With Debbie (DA) Barham, 3 January 1995

Debbie Barham was one of the most talented young writers to enter our NewsRevue orbit back in the early-mid Nineties. She really was just a kid when she first showed up; pretending to be a drop-out after a year at University whereas she was actually a fifteen year old runaway from school and family. Her untimely demise was a genuine tragedy.

But by late 1994/early 1995 she and I had started corresponding by e-mail and attempted to write a little bit together, with very limited success.

This lyric is one of just a couple of joint submissions we made to NewsRevue. I don’t remember it making the cut.

 

TORY REBEL
(To the Tune of “Rebel Rebel”)
VERSE 1

REBELS: We’ve got John Major in a whirl,
(Cos) Theresa Gorman’s our kind of girl;
MAJOR Hey guys, you’re so far right,
Hey guys, please party tonight;
REBELS: We hate Frogs, Krauts and Wops we shun,
We love hanging even more than the Sun;
MAJOR You sound off like Attilla the Hun,
How many of you are with me?
REBELS None!

MIDDLE BIT

REBELS: We’ll stick our ground, ‘cos we’re no drips,
MAJOR: We’re cracking down with our Tory whips.

CHORUS 1

ALL: Tory rebels,
MAJOR You’re past your best,
ALL Tory rebels,
REBELS: John Major’s a mess;
ALL: Tory rebels,
REBELS You look forlorn,
MAJOR Tough shit, you’re whip’s withdrawn.

CHORUS 2

ALL Tory rebels,
REBELS: We’ve earned some credit,
ALL Tory rebels,
REBELS: From Thatcher and Tebbit;
ALL Tory rebels,
MAJOR: Most people know,
You’re as bent as Portillo.

Here is Bowie singing Rebel Rebel with lyrics in English and Italian – that might get up the Eurosceptics’ noses…

 

Gillian Shepherd, NewsRevue Lyric, 2 January 1995

Hmmm, I’m not too sure about this one. There was a lot not to like about Gillian Shepherd and her education policies, but this lyric feels a bit personal in a way that one probably wouldn’t direct bile at a male politician.

Mind you, writing  in April 2017, I can think of another senior Tory female who makes me feel angry enough…

…and the Gillian Shepherd lyric is supposed to have a “nasty kids” feel to it…

GILLIAN SHEPHERD
(To the Tune of “Jennifer Eccles”)

(Sung by a chorus of nasty schoolkids)

VERSE 1

White chalk written on red brick,
Our funds bound to withdraw;
That’s why we’ve got no blackboard,
Tough bitch, hateful old bore.

CHORUS 1

We hate Gillian Shepherd (ugh-ugh),
We know that she’s ugly;
We hate Gillian Shepherd (ugh-ugh),
We know she’s not cuddly.

La la, la-la-la, la la,
La la, la-la-la, la;
La la, la-la-la. la la,
La la, la-la-la, la;

MIDDLE BIT

One rotten morning,
Found out we’d failed our grades;
Started us thinking,
That vixen ought to be spayed.

VERSE 2

We hope Gillian Shepherd (ugh-ugh),
Will soon be down on her knees;
She screwed up agriculture,
And got mad cows disease.

CHORUS 2

We hate Gillian Shepherd (ugh-ugh),
We know that she’s cutting;
We hate Gillian Shepherd (ugh-ugh)
She looks like pigs rutting.
WE hate Gillian Shepherd!!

Here is Jennifer Eccles by The Hollies – lyrics are there below if you fully load YouTube:

 

The Peanut Farmer, NewsRevue Lyric, Probably Unused, 2 January 1995

I don’t think I was at my very best as a lyricist in the opening overs of 1995. I think my mind was more on “baby Z/Yen” than on humour. A few hits but more misses, just for a few months.

This is one of the misses from that period. I don’t think it got used. I think I was very keen to do something to the tune of The Peanut Vendor. That aspect I still applaud. But the piece almost feels unfinished to me – like some fragments I can still find on my old jotters that never got past the “decent idea” or “good line or two” stage.

THE PEANUT FARMER
(To the Tune of “The Peanut Vendor”)
INTRO

Jimmy Carter, he’s such a brick,
Jimmy Carter, he’s old and thick,
(refrain throughout)

MAIN BIT

Carter,
If you languish in Korea or Port-au-Prince,
Meet the fella with a mouth full of foot prints;

One day he’s out in Bosnia,
Next day with strike torn US baseball stars;

So if he swings a Balkan compromise,
Will they give him a Nobel Peaceful Prize?

But Jimmy would have gone there anyway,
On a low price Saga Holiday;
The peace talks saved him the fare.

Bill Clinton ought to learn from Carter’s aid,
And just lie low for at least a decade,
Or maybe two to be fair.

If Bill lies low he’ll do no harm,
Should leave his nuts on Jimmy’s peanut farm.

Jimmy’s revered, an autumn flower,
But he was a failure when in power.

Here’s the tune of The Peanut Vendor, by Alvin “Snake Eyes” Tyler. It’s an instrumental really, despite the “jungle fresh” lyric stuck in the heads of all of us who are of a certain age.

Intel, NewsRevue Lyric, 1 January 1995

I don’t think this one was ever used…while Intel are for sure still going.

INTEL
(To the Tune of “Inchworm”)
INTRO – REVOLTING CHILDREN

Two and two are four,
Four and four are eight,
Eight and eight are sixteen,
Sixteen and sixteen are thirty-one (losing note slightly on the one)

VERSE 1 – IDEALLY A DANNY KAYE SOUNDALIKE

Intel, Intel (two and two are three),
Churning out the Pentiums (four and four are six);
You and your arithmetic (eight and eight are thirteen),
You’re bound to catch a cold (sixteen and sixteen are thirty-nine).

VERSE 2 – IDEALLY A DANNY KAYE SOUNDALIKE

Intel, Intel (two and two are nine),
Hailing the millennium (four and four are twelve);
Bitterly divided now (eight and eight are plenty),
By then you’re bound to fold.
(sixteen and sixteen are beeeeeeeep…………error………..it does not compute………….).

Here’s Danny Kaye – you need to wait a minute or so for Inchworm:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fXi3bjKowJU

…and click here to read the lyrics of Inchworm.

Privatise, NewsRevue Lyric, 1 January 1995

Just sometimes a slow number would be a huge hit in NewsRevue. Privatise was one of those – it was in the show for yonks and frequently got the audience going big time.

One of my best ever lyrics in my opinion. At times (e.g. now in 2017) it could be in the show still.

Beware friends; the chords look straightforward I’ll be working this one up on the baritone ukulele myself.

PRIVATISE
(To the Tune of “Bright Eyes”)

VERSE 1

Is it a kind of scheme,
Dreamt up by the right?
Making utilities less safe and clean,
The price is obscene.

VERSE 2

There is cold comfort for staff,
And hot gas from the mighty;
Silently bosses look after themselves;
Milking them clean,
With pay rise extremes.

CHORUS 1

Privatise,
Post, health and power,
Privatise,
Industry, coal and rail;
How can a trade that’s done quite nicely,
Suddenly turn and fail,
Privatise.

CHORUS 2

Privatise,
Lords, House and Whitehall,
Privatise,
Number Ten Downing Street;
Then maybe berks who’ve caused this nightmare,
Will end up on the street,
Privatise.

The tune is Bright Eyes; here is Art Garfunkle’s delightful rendering:

I also wrote an update 28 May 1996:

PRIVATISE – 1996 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Bright Eyes”)

VERSE 1

Is it a kind of scheme,
Dreamt up by the right?
Making utilities less safe and clean,
The price is obscene.

VERSE 2

There is outsourcing for staff,
And increase for directors;
Silently bosses look after themselves;
Milking us clean,
With pay rise extremes.

CHORUS 1

Privatise,
Trains, health and power,
Privatise,
Military, coal and rail;
How can a trade that’s done quite nicely,
Suddenly turn and fail,
Privatise.

CHORUS 2

Privatise,
Lords, House and Whitehall,
Privatise,
Number Ten Downing Street;
Then maybe berks who’ve caused this nightmare,
Will end up on the street,
Privatise.