I rated this “good” but frankly I rated it higher than Janie did. I have always been partial to a bit of Joe Orton, while Janie finds the farce element of Orton’s plays not to her taste.
This production pushed my Orton boundaries somewhat as Phyllida Lloyd certainly accentuated the farce aspect.
Sometimes I tweaked and resubmitted lyrics because the song was being used and needed updating. Sometimes I tweaked in an attempt to get a song used. This was the latter. Unsuccessfully, I am pretty sure. July version below the vid.
WE’RE IN THE MOOD FOR GRAFTING
(To the Tune of “I’m in the Mood For Dancing”)
ANNOUNCER: And now we present, that well known all singing all dancing Government enquiry: the Nolans.
CHORUS 1
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Three in a bed shafting,
We do it the Tory way;
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Feeble excuse crafting,
We’ve all been caught out today.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Grafting grafting,
We’re in the mood;
Rafting rafting,
We’re also crude;
Shafting shafting,
You’ve all been screwed,
Die laughing.
CHORUS 2
We’re in the mood for rake offs,
Police accountant make offs,
With cash that could be a bung;
We’re in the poo for sharing,
Without declaring,
We’ve even ripped off this song.
(Enter policeman)
POLICEMAN: Oy, you lot. Is that huge wad of cash your royalty money for this song?
NOLANS: (reluctantly admit that it is)
POLICEMAN: Hand it over then. That’s vital police evidence that is.
(Nolans reluctantly hand over huge wad of cash and exeunt muttering displeasure)
POLICEMAN: (Exit, saying) Mmmm, nice wad. Should buy me two or three questions in the House of Commons that should. Or me entrance fee to the Masons.
Below are my tweaked July 1995 lyrics:
WE’RE IN THE MOOD FOR GRAFTING
(To the Tune of “I’m in the Mood For Dancing”)
ANNOUNCER: And now we present, that well known all singing all dancing Government enquiry into standards in public life: the Nolans.
CHORUS 1
Oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh-oooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-h-h-ooh-ooh,
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Three in a bed shafting,
Oooh – we do it the Tory way;
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Feeble excuse crafting,
Oooh – we’ve all been caught out today.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Grafting grafting,
We’re in the mood, Tories, rack up director’s pay;
Oooh – shafting shafting,
You’ve all been screwed, lately, so underneath the carpet this must stay.
CHORUS 2
We’re in the mood for rake offs,
Police accountant make offs,
Oooh – with cash that could be a bung;
We’re in the poo for sharing,
Without declaring,
But you’ll never find, backshish that’s gone;
But MP’s don’t mind, we’ve even ripped off this song.
Oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh-oooh…………
(Enter policeman)
POLICEMAN: Oy, you lot. Is that huge wad of cash your royalty money for this song?
NOLANS: (reluctantly admit that it is)
POLICEMAN: Hand it over then. That’s vital police evidence that is.
(Nolans reluctantly hand over huge wad of cash and exeunt muttering displeasure)
POLICEMAN: (Exit, saying) Mmmm, nice wad. Should buy me two or three questions in the House of Commons that should. Or me admission fee to the local Masonic lodge.
It fails rather a lot of PC tests on rereading; race, sex, socio-economic group…oh dear.
I do still like the fake rhyme with Kharach-ee. That made me smile.
MATCHWINNER, MATCHWINNER
(To the Tune of “Matchmaker, Matchmaker”)
MRS GOLDSMITH: Matchmaker, matchmaker make her a match,
Find one who’s rich, and up to scratch,
Stockbroker, fundstrader, someone with spunk,
Jemima would like to hatch.
JEMIMA: Matchwinner, matchwinner, you are my match,
You, Imran Khan, came on my patch;
Matchwinner matchwinner, though you may come,
From Pakistan’s town Kharach…..
MRS GOLDSMITH: (…ee) Jemima make him a scholar,
JEMIMA: But scholars say that we should not wed;
MRS GOLDSMITH: Perhaps I can bake him a challa, (pronounced with a germanic “ch” followed by “olar” as in “scholar”)
JEMIMA: My Imran don’t dig on that kind of bread.
JEMIMA: Matchwinner, matchwinner, crickets your game,
If we have sons, they’ll have your name;
And play for England if they choose the same,
BOTH: So paparazzi,
Muse on this truth,
Jemima might be,
One English youth,
Who’s able to hold her catch.
Here is Matchmaker Matchmaker from the film of Fiddler:
I was really excited at the opportunity to see this play, which had not been performed in England before. I’ve been a fan of Max Frisch’s writing ever since performing in Andorra when I was at Alleyn’s:
An unusual opportunity to see a premier at The Questor’s Theatre, with Janie & The Duchess (Janie’s mum).
I liked this production, rating it “good” in my log. I recall the play being quite tricky and probably a challenge too far for The Questor’s.
The conceit of the piece – a behavioural researcher is given the opportunity to return to any point in his life and change the decisions he made – is intriguing and “very Frisch”.
Returning to 1995, I am pretty sure that the arrangement will have been “the usual” – i.e. The Duchess supplied The Questor’s tickets, Janie bought the interval drinks and I will have paid for dinner at Wine and Moussaka. That arrangement was decreed to be “fair” by The Duchess; who were we humble little folk to disagree with that?
But what if I could return to 1995 and make such decisions over again…?
I don’t think Ben recorded either of my suggestions from this letter; he might have used one or both live.
I might try “Hanging Around” on the baritone ukulele; I still love that song.
Ben Murphy 14 May 1995
(Wells address redacted)
Dear Ben
THAT TAPE / THOSE TAPES
I enclose a tape with the Free Nelson Mandela song on it for your greatest hits. I still think it should be short and sharp:
Thirty one years in captivity,
In most unholy matrimony,
Are you so blind that you cannot see,
That she’s so fat she can hardly breathe;
Free Nelson Mandela (from Winnie, from Winnie,
Free Nelson Mandela (from Winnie, from Winnie).
etc.
I have also taped Hanging Around by Lou Reed which I think you could do really well “straight” – see what you think.
Those back catalogue tapes arrived towards the end of last week; ten of each, many thanks. I can now fulfil the transatlantic sample orders – don’t hold your breath. There were no inlay cards with the tapes, which is a bit of a shame. Is that because there are none left or just an oversight? If you have any left, please send them to me ASAP as I do think presentation helps, especially with our US friends.
Look forward to hearing from you soon.
Cheers.
Yours sincerely
Ian Harris (Z/Ian)
Enc.
If you have an urge to hear and see the lyrics to Free Nelson Mandela:
…and if you cannot resist the urge to hear Hanging Around by Lou Reed:
It was about astronauts, their lives, moon shots & stuff. I found it interesting but it didn’t work as drama for me. Janie was less interested in the subject matter but quite enjoyed the play in the round. (Did you see what I did there?).
Paul Godfrey wrote and directed it. It might have been tighter if he had let another director tweak and interpret a bit.
Billington on What the Butler Sat, Mar 4, 1995 – 28 · The Guardian (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com
Coveney on What the Butler Sun, Mar 5, 1995 – 79 · The Observer (London, Greater London, England) · Newspapers.com
