My Turk, NewsRevue Lyric, 29 January 1996

The news story was that a thirteen year old named Sarah Cook from Braintree in Essex had married an eighteen year old Turkish waiter from Kahramanmaras. The gutter press went wild and I wrote the following lyric for NewsRevue, which I think went down rather well for a few weeks.  

MY TURK
(To the Tune of “My Guy”)

VERSE 1

Nothing you could say will tear me away from my Turk (her Turk),
Nothing you could glean though I’m not even fourteen with my Turk (her Turk);
I’m sticking to my Turk cos I’m not a pariah,
He’s taught me the sheriah in an abaya;
I’m telling it to the Sun and making twenty tons,
For my Turk.
(SUN REPORTERS: Whatcha say??)

VERSE 2

Nothing you can do will make stick with you in Essex (Essex),
Nothing there is dainty so I’m well ‘acked off with Braintree Essex (Essex);
I gave my Turk my word of honour,
To be faithful and eat Donor;
You’d best be believing I don’t regret me leaving,
Essex.
(SUN REPORTERS: Tell us more)

MIDDLE EIGHT

As a matter of opinion I think he’s tops,
I just regret that he’s been dragged off by the cops;
The row in Britain was in excess,
Now he’s bunged in jail like Midnight Express.

VERSE 3

Some muscle bound man has lead me by the hand from my Turk (her Turk);
The Sun wants its cash back cos I won’t take off me yashmak – piss off you berk!!
We may not look like movie stars,
But we looked OK in Kahra – manmaras;
I wish my man today could take me away from Essex. (SUN: Whatchasay??)
I’m now a ward of court for the stuff the papers bought on my Turk (SUN: Tell us more!!)
I’ve pissed off the Brits cos I prefer Islamisists and my Turk!!

Below is Mary Wells singing My Guy with the lyrics on the screen:

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