A rare example of an unfinished lyric. Deservedly so, though. Not enough possible laughs in this tacky little idea. Nice, sordid pun on the song title though.
DON’T LET MY SON GO DOWN ON YOU
(To the Tune of “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”)
VERSE 1 – QUEEN
I can’t lie,
No more over Charlie;
All these Windsors,
Seem to chase a bit of fluff;
I’m grown tired,
Of the papers here before me;
Making fun, of our soap opera stuff;
Too late,
To save my Chuck from screwing;
He took a bitch,
Could not resist her muff;
She was on heat,
Camilla had no contest;
Charles prefered her showing up to throwing up.
CHORUS 1
Don’t let my son go down on you,
(Don’t let the son)
Although it sounds obscene, it’s something royals shouldn’t do;
Here is Elton John singing Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me, with lyrics.
I can see why I wrote this and I can see why, in all probability, it didn’t make it into NewsRevue. One or two good lines though.
IT’S MENS HEALTH WEEK (To the Tune of “It’s Good News Week”)
INTRO
BBC ANNOUNCER: And now, as part of the BBC Mens Health Week., a documentary for men with testicular cancer and gonorrhoea; “Great Balls of Fire”.
VERSE 1
It’s Mens Health Week, BBC’s new festival, about an enlarged testicle, That looks odd when you streak; It’s Mens Health Week, Prostate gland is getting big, and balding men won’t wear a wig, To hide their ugly peak.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Have you seen the shows? What did they say? Men under stress. One in ten at least is gay. (One in ten at least is gay)
VERSE 2
It’s Mens Health Week, BBC’s huge influence, will tackle British impotence, Of which we seldom speak; It’s Mens Health Week, Phone the helpline, read the book, but don’t look down and take a look, In case you are a freak.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2
Have you courted help? Which way to turn? Claire Raynor’s crap. So’s that cow Anna Raeburn. (Not that cow Anna Raeburn)
VERSE 3
It’s Mens Health Week BBC afflicting men, with fears about their little friend, Which dribbles when they leak; It drips all week, Alan Yentob’s master plan, to paint himself as superman, And spare us from repeats, and spare us from repeats, yes spare us from repeats.
Below is a video of It’s Good News Week by Hedgehoppers Anonymous:
I didn’t often write lyrics for news items such as major art exhibitions, perhaps for good reason. I don’t think this one made the cut…
…which is a shame, as it has a lot going for it.
Coincidentally, I got to this lyric quite by chance on the day that Daisy and I are off to see the new Giacometti at the Tate (16 May 2017) – naturally to be reported on Ogblog very soon.
I could give Cézanne a go on the baritone ukulele; that would be fun.
CEZANNE
(To the Tune of “Suzanne”)
VERSE 1
Cezanne takes you down to the Tate near the river,
You can hear the crowds go by, you can spend the night there queuing;
And you know that he was crazy, but that’s why you want to be there,
Cos he painted Mont Sainte-Victoire, in the shape of a large phallus;
And just when you mean to savour, the large pictures of the bathers,
Then he gets you with his missus, sitting in a yellow armchair,
Cos he always was pretentious.
CHORUS 1
And you want to ease your bladder, and you’re dying for some space,
But you dare not leave the circuit, cos you queued all day and mustn’t lose your place.
VERSE 2
And Degas was a painter, who was daft obsessed with water,
And he spent a long time watching, all the ladies in the bathroom;
And when he knew for certain, that those ladies couldn’t see him,
He said “artists should paint bathers that’s a good excuse for peeping”.
So Cezanne painted bathers, they’d not yet invented ravers;
In eighteen ninety something, they hadn’t learnt to party much at all.
CHORUS 2
And you want to ease your bladder, and your vitals are so sore,
And you’d die for a Pissaro, or an artist who had once learnt how to draw.
VERSE 3
Now Cezanne takes the stand, at the Tate near the river,
He’s the nation’s new obsession in the hyped up exhibition;
And the show makes heaps of money, from an unsuspecting public,
Who wouldn’t know the difference, between garbage and grand masters;
So don’t you try to tell them, that the merchandise you sell them;
Is a massive con that’s bigger, than his painting of card players,
Cos Cezanne turned them silly.
CHORUS 3
And you want to say you’re cultured and you want to be refined,
But you don’t know arse from elbow, the impression that you give is that you’re blind.
I tried a variant of the lyric a few days later, merely changing the third verse opening couplet to refer to a newly launched fizzy drink named Shazam (see below). I can find no references to that particular fizzy pop on-line, which must make that substitution an even more obscure story. Now, of course, everyone thinks of Shazam as the app to help identify a tune/song.
VERSE 3
Now Shazam tastes real bland, like a pee in the river,
It’s a fizz without a mission like the Cezanne exhibition;
Here’s Leonard Cohen singing Suzanne with the lyrics on the screen:
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
FEBRUARY-APRIL 1996 RUN
Dear Lizzy
I apologise for taking so long to get a starter pack to you. This starter pack consists of songs currently in the show and previously unperformed songs. I shall try to write you some more this weekend.
Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. If you want me to rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know. Also, if any of the enclosed need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title
Original Title/
Artist on Tape Aprox. No. of weeks performed
7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
michael winner eats it all the winner takes it all / abba N
don’t you want me voters? don’t you want me? / human league N
hooray for bollywood hooray for hollywood / hollywood hotel N
goatee swanee / al jolson 4-6
stakeholder dont sit under the apple tree / andrew sisters 4-6
whitewater 1996 oh susannah / trad 4-6
penguin 60s when I’m 64 / beatles N
rip it off / halitoasis roll with it & whatever / oasis N
My log and indeed my memory is unequivocal about this one:
Quite outstanding. One of the very, very best.
A rare visit to the theatre midweek, I’m guessing that our impending trip to Thailand & Vietnam restricted our choices of dates for this one. Such was our desire to see it, we booked a midweek evening to be sure of seeing the production.
Both Antony Sher and Deborah Warner were superb in their roles, as indeed was the whole supporting cast.
In truth, Stanley Spencer’s art is not really my bag, but his story is strange and peculiarly touching, certainly as told in this excellent play by Pam Gems.
Strangely, I cannot find a Guardian review for this one, but Michael Simons previewed it:
I must have had a bit of a love-hate thing with Oasis at that time. I’d bought their albums – perhaps I just wanted to make full use of them for NewsRevue. I rather like this one, taking advantage of the somewhat derivative…sorry, I mean “tribute”…nature of Oasis’s oeuvre.
HALITOASIS (To the Tune of “Whatever”)
VERSE 1
Free of any copyright, Whatever you wrote, I change the odd note, That’s my lot.
VERSE 2
Free of any royalties, I just have to sneeze, The damned NME Studies my snot.
MIDDLE EIGHT
It always seems to me, That half our tunes are from 1973; And also lyrically, Like “stay on the bus, forget about us”, Is from “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree”.
OUTRO
Free!!
Below is a video of Oasis singing Whatever with the lyrics on the screen:
Janie had never seen this play before and The Orange Tree was on a bit of a roll with us, so we decided to give this a go.
Given the scale of the piece, I thought we’d try sitting upstairs rather than downstairs for once. It was just for once, because we didn’t find upstairs very comfortable – less leg room and peering down didn’t please us.
In truth. the Orange Tree was probably biting off a bit more than it could chew attempting such a large-scale piece in the round, but Sam Walters obcviously wanted to have a go.
We enjoyed the production. I think Janie got more out of it than I did because she hadn’t seen the play before and didn’t have a big production with which to compare it.
