In truth I was (and still am) partial to Dennis Potter’s work, but I think I found his late (posthumously published) pieces focused more on those aspects of his work that pleased me the least. That might explain the near reverence if my Painting An Angel’s Nipples piece when he died…
…compared with the less reverent tone of this piece, some two years later.
POTTER’S LAST (To the Tune of “Why Must I Be a Teenager In Love”)
A “bimbo” looking girl should mime the lead vocals on stage while the other girl sings through the microphone offstage. The fellas can do the oooo-waaaaa-oooo’s, which you shall have to supply yourselves.
VERSE 1
Each time I read a Potter, It almost breaks me heart; Cos I am so afraid, I’ll get the bimbo part; Each night I ask the stars up above, Why must he write such godawful stuff?
VERSE 2
He shows me doggy fashion, Through mirrors, on the bed; Hope I don’t have to bonk, With Finney’s severed head; Each night I ask the stars in the cast, Why must I mime these naff songs from the past?
MIDDLE EIGHT
Four hundred years, In the future, who knows; Churn out scripts in sixty days, But bleedin’ ‘ell it shows.
VERSE 3
So if you want to make me cry, That won’t be so hard to do; Slash me face and black me eyes, Or paint lipstick round me pubes; Each night I tell the stars in the cast, Thank God this script will be Den Potter’s last, Thank God this script will be Den…… Potter’s last!!
Below is a video of Dion & The Belmonts singing Why Must I Be A Teenager In Love with the lyrics on the screen:
EURO 96 – QUICKIE
(To the Tune of “Ode To Joy”)
CHORUS
Friends down Wembley at the football,
Tossed out of the stadium;
We’d been drinkin’ such a skinful,
We threw up our Heineken.
Used our seasons went back to Neasden,
Mooned with our bums and showed our dicks,
(Went) down the pub with Sky that evening,
We watched Euro ’96.
Started heavin’ then for no reason,
We threw some chairs and then some bricks;
(And) now we’re down the cells in Willesden,
This is Euro ’96.
Here is the sound of Ode To Joy – a little bit of Ludwig Van:
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
JUNE-JULY 1996 RUN
Dear Rob
Great to have you back again. Strangely, I learnt that you would be doing this run by bumping into Kerry Michael in a bar in Manchester; I was visiting an old Uni friend of mine who turned out to know the crowd Kerry was with etc. etc. – small world.
This starter pack consists of songs currently in the show, one or two previously unperformed ones and new ones which I have written this weekend. Sorry I couldn’t get the gear to you any sooner. I’ll try to write some more over the next couple of days (it’s a long weekend!!).
Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. If you want me to rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know. Also, if any of the enclosed need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title
Original Title/
Artist on Tape Approx.. No. of weeks performed
7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
euro ’96 quickie ode to joy (4th movement Beethoven’s 9th) N
gay pride downtown / petula clark N
sex pistols revival song anarchy in the UK / sex pistols N
labour strikes – 1996 remix edelweiss / sound of music N
russian shock / 1996 remix casatchok / trad? N
hooray for bollywood hooray for hollywood / hollywood hotel N
goatee swanee / al jolson 7+
stakeholder dont sit under the apple tree / andrew sisters 4-6
whitewater 1996 oh susannah / trad 4-6
penguin 60s when I’m 64 / beatles 4-6
This little lyric will be exactly 21 years old tomorrow, as I wrote (24 May 2017). Is that perhaps a sign?
GAY PRIDE
(To the Tune of “Downtown”)
VERSE 1
When you’re a queen,
And you are feeling unseemly,
You can always go….
Gay Pride.
If you like quiche,
And all those tight-buttocked breeches,
When you’re marching slow……..
Gay Pride.
MIDDLE EIGHT
Listen to the speeches about HIV and herpes,
Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual and Transgender Pride is,
Now what it’s called;
The tights are much brighter there,
You can forget all your troubles, like unwanted hair and go…..
CHORUS 1
Gay Pride,
(Things will get better, oh)
Gay Pride,
(No time for heteros)
Gay Pride,
Queens will be mincing for you.
(Gay Pride, Gay Pride, Gay Pride, Gay Pride)……
SEX PISTOLS REVIVAL SONG (To the Tune of “Anarchy in the UK”)
(The strained rhymes are deliberate and should be done Pistols style, e.g. “has-bin”,”nase” etc.)
INTRO
Right…….now………(well, twenty years ago to be more precise………..)……ha ha ha…..
VERSE 1
I was so anarchic, Now I am archaic, I’ve blown all me dosh and me voice has grown posh, I wanna make cash and play trash; Cos I wanna be wealthy.
VERSE 2
Anarchy for the UK, I used to be blonde, now I’m grey, I’ve done the Marquee now its Wembley, I’m an “has-bin” with a safety pin; But I wanna be trendy.
VERSE 3
We’re history from the punk days, Use a safety pin through your “nase”; The punters liked Sid its a shame that he’s “did”, We’ll have him exhumed and well “illumed”; Cos I wanna be predatory.
OUTRO
Cos I wanna see royalties, (And I don’t mean the monarchy); And I wanna be eternally, (Like that bastard McCartney), Cos I wanna be wealthy!!
Here is a video of the Sex Pistols singing Anarchy In The UK with lyrics on the screen:
Below is the official video of the Sex Pistols singing that iconic song:
I’ve long been partial to a bit of Potter, as has Daisy.
I had seen the original TV film of this one and to some extent had my doubts about it, as I have never much enjoyed the conceit of adult actors playing the role of children.
Still, the chance to see a National production of a Potter won the day. Many members of this fine cast went on to bigger and bolder things. Steve Coogan, Nigel Lindsay, Debra Gillett, Geraldine Somerville. Patrick Marber directed it.
Whereas Michael Billington wrote highly of it, finding it more translatable from screen to stage than most Potter and describing it as “Potter at his best”:
We were both ambivalent about it. It was clearly a fine production. It pleased me more than the TV version. But that “adults playing children” thing still didn’t really work for me.
Below is an excerpt from the original 1979 TV film:
But the celebrations continued for a further day, for those who chose to stay on a little longer. There were quite a few of us who did so. Unfortunately, 25 years on, my brain does not retain the full contingent for the Sunday celebrations. I might be confusing some of the people who were around for the early days with those who stayed the distance.
But I think that most of the American contingent – Michael’s family, Emma & Betsy, Tony Dillof & others – I think at least one if not two of the Amandas, Chris Webb, Chris the Bridesmaid, The Sealeys, The Nelsons, The Pooles, Rupert Stubbs & Sophie, at least one Lucas-Clements, Elisabeth’s family naturally enough…
Sunday 19 May 1996 – The Hooch Cellar & The Informal Party
We spent some time in the Reuss family village of Pfersdorf itself on the Sunday.
I especially remember the guided tour taking us to the home of an elder of the village named Connie, who had an informal distillery in his cellar.
Connie’s hooch cellar might have looked a bit like this
Janie showed a great deal of interest in seeing this cellar, so, in the great tradition of Franconian village hospitality, she was shown through the door that led to the cellar steps in an “after you” manner, at which point Connie closed and locked the door, to the mirth of the assembled villagers and visitors.
Janie shouted out a couple of times, but once she realised she’d been duped, went quiet.
The locals informed us that the traditional ending to this practical joke was for the duped person to seek release from the cellar again a few minutes later, once in a state of inebriation, as there is lots of hooch to be had in there and not much else to do.
All eyes and ears were on the door, until Janie tapped someone on the shoulder and asked who they were looking and listening out for in the cellar. A well known escapologist (at least, she is now), Janie had spotted a window in the cellar and worked out how to climb up to the window, out through it (not very high on the ground level side) and walk around the corner to find us.
The assembled villagers and visitors thought this was all very funny.
Janie knows how to get out of a hooch pickle
Despite going light on the hooch, we remember little about the Sunday evening party, other than the fact that we had a great time. The best parties are like that. Others might be able to fill in the considerable gaps in this account.
I had made three mix tapes for the wedding, I believe with this party in mind:
I don’t even remember the extent to which the tapes were used that night, but I think they featured.
A Fraught Journey Home, Originally Aiming To Catch The Wrong Flight, Monday 20 May 1996
Chatting with the remaining guests on the Sunday, it seemed sensible for everyone, on the Monday, to enjoy a leisurely breakfast at the Hotel Ross in Schweinfurt and amble together to the railway station to catch the train that would whisk us with Germanic efficiency to Frankfurt airport in good time for our BA flight in the afternoon.
Then, while Janie and I were grazing at our breakfast, it started to dawn upon me that we hadn’t flown out BA, we had flown out Lufthansa. It also started to dawn on me that we were probably booked on an earlier flight than the others.
I went to check our tickets. To my horror, I realised that we were flying out of Frankfurt more than an hour earlier than everyone else. We certainly wouldn’t catch our flight if we travelled by train with the rest.
Some frantic checking of train times made me realise that I had actually goofed good and proper – we should have caught a train that we had already missed. There was another train between ours and the BA mob’s train, but it would get us to the airport only 20 minutes or so ahead of our flight.
I phoned the airport to warn them that we would be a late arrival for our flight.
The German gentleman I spoke with at the airport explained politely but firmly that we needed to get to the airport sooner than that.
I explained that we had missed our train and that the train we were catching would, in all probability, get us to the airport just 20 minutes before the flight. I asked the gentleman to inform the desk for our flight that we would be arriving late.
No. You must get to the airport earlier than that.
The conversation was over.
Janie and I agreed that we should catch the first available train anyway and hope for the best.
We had to change train, a couple of times I think, on this hair-raising trip.
Everything ran incredibly smoothly and the train arrived at Frankfurt Airport’s railway station exactly 20 minutes before our flight.
We legged it towards our check in desk.
Perhaps my “friend” from the telephone call had informed the desk that some mad Brits were going to attempt a ludicrously late check in. Perhaps Lufthansa check-in desks, in those days, simply switched into hyper-efficient “we’ll try to get you through the system” machines. This is all pre-9-11 of course, so the security was not quite such a big thing.
We heard the announcements for passengers to proceed to the gate for our flight around the time that we started checking in.
Anyway, the Lufthansa folk whisked us through the airport system and we arrived at the gate, dry-mouthed and out of breath just in time to hear a “bing-bong” and an announcement in German.
My poor German was just about good enough to make out that the announcement was a delay to the flight. Then in English, that fact was confirmed.
There’s lucky, said Janie.
Not at all, I said, we made it for the flight on time. Now I’m really irritated that we’re delayed.
In truth, the 40 minutes to calm down and decompress before the flight probably did us some good.
Dancing feet, preparing for a fraught run through Frankfurt Airport
Ever since that near miss, I tend to double check our flight tickets/times a little obsessively. It was a peculiar ending to an unusual, celebratory week.
I made three mixtapes for Michael & Elisabeth Mainelli’s wedding, which were used at the informal party on the Sunday after the formal wedding. I kept track listings (dated 12 May 1996) and can therefore recreate the experience, 25 years later, mostly in embedded YouTube form. Occasionally such embeds get moved, removed or delisted, but you should be able to hear most if not all of them.
Here’s Tape Three, which I called “The Cynical Wedding Tape”. Side A continued the theme of a dance party mix from Tape Two, but all the tracks have an element of cynicism towards romance. Side B was intended to be an “after the main party” cynical selection, which I named “Sit Around & Think About It”.
A couple of the tracks on this tape have not yet found their way to YouTube in a suitable form (e.g. Ben Murphy’s recording of my own lyric, The Ultimate Love Song). I have uploaded MP3s of those tracks, so you can still hear them…if you dare.
Cynical Wedding Tape Side A: Dance Que Pasa / Me No Pop I, Kid Creole & the Coconuts Don’t Leave Me This Way, Thelma Houston Money, Flying Lizards I Heard It Through The Grapevine, Gladys Knight & the Pips Just Don’t Want To Be Lonely, Main Ingredient Why Do Fools Fall In Love?, Frankie Lymon & the Teenagers Thin Line Between Love and Hate, Persuaders I Will Survive, Gloria Gaynor Mistra Know It All, Stevie Wonder She’s Gone, Hall & Oats One Day I’ll Fly Away, Randy Crawford Will You Love Me Tomorrow?, Shirelles
Cynical Wedding Tape Side B: Sit Around & Think About It The First Cut is the Deepest, PP Arnold Falling In Love Again, Temperance Seven Don’t Get Married, Roy Bailey & Leon Rosselson Ever Fallen In Love With Someone…, Buzzcocks Freebird, Lynard Skynard It’s All Over Now Baby Blue, Manfred Mann’s Earth Band I Used To Love Her But It’s All Over Now, Rolling Stones Born To Shop, Guns ‘n’ Charoses Single In Spring, Roy Bailey & Leon Rosselson Breaking Up Is Hard To Do, Neil Sedaka The Ultimate Love Song, Ben Murphy
