Ouagadougou Choo Choo, Casablanca the Musical, Actor’s Workshop Halifax, 27 July 2001

This is the closing number for the show, Casablanca The Musical:

Casablanca The Musical by Magnolia Thunderpussy, Actor’s Workshop, 18 September 2001

Not the most politically correct lyrics I have ever written, but Mike Ward especially loves the final verse. Personally, I especially like the couplet:

When you hear the camels farting eight to the bar,

Then you know that Upper Volta ain’t very far;

Anyway, it’s not really about what I like (or what Mike likes)…the number does seem to go down well to close that show. Here are all the lyrics:

 

 THE OUAGADOUGOU CHOO CHOO

(Song to the Tune of “The Chatanooga Choo Choo”)

 

INTRO

Camel Trains, What’ja say?

Flee Casablanca any day;

Bend an ear and listen to my version,

Of a really whacky African excursion.

 

CHORUS

 

PASSENGER:      Pardon me, boy,

Is that the Ouagadougou Choo Choo?

MOROCCAN:     Track double-o,

There’s just the one place we go;

Can you afford, to board, the Ouagadougou Choo Choo?

PASSENGER:      Say fifty francs?

MOROCCAN:     Last price, sixty…..

PASSENGER:                                …..s’a’deal, thanks.

 

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

 

You get to Essouira station about quarter to two,

In another week or so you’re in Timbuktu;

Before you get that far, a,

Pit stop in Zagora,

Then you eat your cous cous while in Western Sahara.

 

When you hear the camels farting eight to the bar,

Then you know that Upper Volta ain’t very far;

One last stop in Kaya,

To get a little higher,

Woo-woo Ouagadougou there you are.

 

OUTRO

 

There’s gonna be,

A welcome party at the station;

All tits and spears,

They think their dinner’s appeared.

I’m gonna cry,

Unless we shift our arses we’ll be toast,

So Casablanca Choo Choo, take me back to the coast!!!

Here is a vid with Glenn Miller, his orchestra and his entourage performing Chattanooga Choo Choo:

I Only Have “Heils” For You, Casablanca the Musical, Actor’s Workshop Halifax, 27 July 2001

I have written more elsewhere about my role in writing lyrics for Mike Ward’s extraordinary production, Casablanca The Musical, for The Actor’s Workshop in Halifax in 2001:

Casablanca The Musical by Magnolia Thunderpussy, Actor’s Workshop, 18 September 2001

In this piece, which I upped some time before writing up the show as a whole, I simply wanted to post the lyrics for one of the songs, which was written for the Nazi Officer character, who was portrayed in Mike’s book as an especially enthusiastic fan of Hitler, much like the Nazi character in The Producers.

Janie thought I had gone mad when I first showed her and demonstrated the lyric to her, with suitable heel clicks whenever the character says, “heil”.

 ♬ I ONLY HAVE HEILS FOR YOU ♬

(Song to the Tune of “I Only Have Eyes for You”)

INTRO

(Zis is how I feel about Herr Hitler)

My awe must be a kind of blind awe,

All things Herr Fuhrer says are true;

I wonder if this is refined awe,

Cos now we’ve started World War Two.

VERSE 1

There’s a blitzkrieg tonight,

We have set most of Europe alight,

But I only have heils for you, MEIN FUHRER;

The troops show their might,

Half the world has gone barmy with fright,

But I only have heils for you.

I don’t know if we’re routing Poland,

Or on the march to Timbuktu,

You are feared, so am I;

We’re as nice as a poke in the eye,

And the world doesn’t share our view,

But I only have heils for you.

VERSE 2

Once we’d held Kristalnacht,

All the world knew that peace was well facht,

But I only have heils for you (ooo-ooo Fuhrer);

You and Goebbels are pally,

When you’re holding a Nurenberg rally,

Then I only have heils for you.

I don’t know if you are a nutcase,

Or just a yob with attitude,

You are feared, so am I;

Maybe millions of people will fry,

And they’ll all disappear from view,

But I only have heils for you.

                   copyright © Ian Harris 2001

Just in case you are unfamiliar with this wonderful Warren and Dubin song from the Busby Berkeley Movie Dames, here is a link to the Dick Powell and Ruby Keeler version of the song. 

…or you might prefer this version with the dancing…

…or you might prefer Art Garfunkle’s dreamy slow version:

The Pausanias Affair by Mike Ward, The Actor’s Workshop, Halifax, 14 July 2001

Sandwiched between a short break at The White Swan in Pickering and the first Children’s Society v Tufty Stackpole cricket match, Janie and I spent an evening and night in Halifax seeing this show and then dining with Mike & Lottie Ward.

I had written the programme notes for Mike’s play – click here for said notes – and jolly good were the programme notes too…also the play, of course, also the play.

Actually I also wrote a review of the play/production, which I can reproduce in full below:

I thought this production was very good and an advance on The Elland Affair in several respects. The play itself was very interesting, with lots of character development and (almost too much) plot and intrigue. The casting and performances were good pretty much without exception. It was a most ambitious production in many respects and a great credit to cast and crew that they pulled it all off with such aplomb.

The programme notes were, once again, insurmountable and without question the highlight of the whole production!!?

Seriously, if I have any criticism of the play, it is too long and a little short on modern relevance. I know Mike Ward’s brain is already grappling with these issues for his next one. And I hope his next play arrives soon, because these Actors’ Workshop home-grown play/productions are getting stronger year on year and are a rare achievement in a small theatre such as The Actors’ Workshop.

All involved in this production should be commended and the people of Calderdale should be fighting now to get the hot tickets for the next home-grown production.

Not especially coincidentally, we saw The Elland Affair (Mike’s previous year’s piece) while on a tour which also included The White Swan in Pickering plus my first ever book signing:

…but I digress.

We enjoyed our evening in Halifax, not least the ever-warm hospitality of Mike and Lottie after show.

When Janie And I Jumped The Border Into Thailand At Chong Mek And Then Blagged Our Way Out Of Thailand Again, 19 and 26 February 2001

That border crossing was just a field, a hut and a fence in our day.

From Katou People in Nanong Village, Saravan Province, Laos…
…to Bar Pool people, Baan Taling Ngam, Koh Samui, Thailand…within 24 hours; renegades who hadn’t properly gone through Thai immigration, looking smug and well dodgy

I was reminded of this peculiar, dodgy-sounding incident from 16 years ago while we waited in line to go through immigration at Bangkok Airport the other week – click here for the main piece on the February 2017 Thailand trip.

I recalled that the previous time Janie and I entered Thailand, in 2001, we didn’t formally go through immigration at all.

In truth, we jumped the border between Laos and Thailand.

My travel log is more or less silent on this incident, probably because I didn’t dare write it up while we were still in Thailand. I was too busy getting back to work and dining out on the story when first we returned.

Indeed, My Journal Cambodia Laos & Thailand February 2001 – concludes at the end of the 18 February 2001 page, when we were at the delightful but basic Tad Lo Lodge in Saravan Province:

Light lunch followed by relaxing pm at our bungalow & early supper in preparation for tomorrow’s daftly early start.

Relaxing at our bungalow, reading Barney’s Version, as my photo forensics reveal…
…and here’s the gorgeous Tad Lo Falls sunset

The Flickr album with all our Southern Laos and Thailand pictures from 2001 can be examined by clicking here.

The only other reference to the incident in my log was in my notes for the Steppes East agent, Clare:

…warn about Noukeo…border crossing Laos/Thailand “joke”.

Reading those notes 16 years later, it reads a bit like a Trump tweet. The border crossing also has some Trumpian characteristics,as you’ll learn if you persevere with this story.

Noukeo was our guide in Southern Laos. The daftly early start was agreed as a pick up by Noukeo and the driver at 4:00 am. Our flight from Ubon in Eastern Thailand was scheduled for 8:25.  We had a roughly two hour drive to the Chong Mek border, which opens at 6:00 and a roughly 90 minute drive from the border to the airport. Tight but do-able; pretty much the only way to get from Saravan to Samui in a day.

Tad Lo Lodge was very beautiful but a pretty rudimentary place. Even to go down to dinner traversing walkways across the falls we needed to use torches as the paths and walkways were not lit. So when Noukeo and the driver didn’t turn up at 4:00 and indeed we were still waiting at 4:10, Janie and I started debating vociferously what to do. I knew the lads were sleeping at the resort on the other side and suggested that I walk around the perimeter road to find/rouse them, while Janie stayed with our stuff. Janie wasn’t keen on the idea, but by 4:15 we were both feeling desperate, so off I went. I flagged the lads down on the road a few minutes later. They had clearly been enjoying themselves the night before and had overslept. Noukeo might even have still been half cut; perhaps the driver too.

So we set off 20-25 minutes later than intended, but Noukeo was confident that we could make up the time. The driver drove like a fury, which I thought put the whole project and our lives at risk on those bumpy roads; it is a wonder he didn’t hit something or at least get a puncture.

Still, we did get to the Vangtao-Chong Mek border crossing in one piece, just after 6:00. The place seemed deserted on the Laos side. “I told you we’d be in good time”, said Noukeo, “they haven’t even opened yet”.

“We have a 90 minute drive on the other side and a flight at 8:25”, I said, “we need to get a move on. Where are the Laotian border control people?”

“They sleep around here”, said Noukeo, “I’ll see if I can find them”.

So he did.

We handed our passports to Noukeo, the yawning Laotian border control people did their thing and stamped us out of Laos.

Then on to the perimeter fence, where all was once again seemingly deserted apart from our Thai driver and guide on the other side of the fence.

Noukeo jabbered with our Thai couriers. The Thai couriers jabbered back to Noukeo. They then formed a sort of human chain across the fence, firstly carrying our baggage over. Then, after I had given Noukeo and our Laotian driver their tips and Noukeo had given me back our passports, they helped me and Janie over the fence – here’s a link to a picture of that fence in those days.

“Where are the Thai border control people?” I asked our Thai driver and guide. “Who knows, let’s go”, shrugged the guide, “we’ll need to drive quick to get you to your flight.”

We’d jumped the border.

I realised that this was not a consequence-free event; someone was going to question the absence of entry documentation at some point; possibly several points. I thought the problem might be just a few minutes away at Ubon, but because the flights within Thailand were purely domestic, the airport people only seemed vaguely interested in our passports both at Ubon and at Bangkok where we changed for Koh Samui.

Indeed, it wasn’t until we got to Baan Taling Ngam that anyone raised the question of the absence of entry visa stamps in our passport. There I simply told the receptionist that we had entered by road at Chong Mek, had handed our passports to our guide and taken custody of them again once the formalities had (as far as we were concerned) been completed. The receptionist told me that we should expect some more detailed questioning at Bangkok border control on departure.

I suggested to Janie that the above explanation should be the sum total of what we tell any officials. No mention of fences, the fun and games with the baggage chain and us traversing the border or indeed anything of that kind.

We then relaxed for several days and temporarily forgot all about our passports.

Forensics have spotted The Human Stain by Philip Roth; very apt.

We didn’t have a private pool at Baan Taling Ngam, but there were several small pools scattered around the property which hardly anyone fancied (apart from us), so to all intents and purposes we did have our own pool almost all the time.

But I digress.

At the end of the holiday, on 26 February 2001, we flew to Bangkok where, at that time, border control for exit after Samui took place. We didn’t have much time between our flight from Samui landing and our London-bound flight taking off.

The first official we encountered remonstrated with me that we had no entry stamps in our passport.

“We entered by road at Chong Mek. We handed our passports to our guide and he returned them to us after giving them to the officials for processing,” I said, slowly.

The first official called a second, slightly more senior official.

“No stamp. No stamp,” said the second official.

I spoke even more slowly and a little louder this time, because speaking slowly and especially speaking loudly helps people understand an unfamiliar second language much better:

“WE ENTERED BY ROAD AT CHONG MEK. WE HANDED OUR PASSPORTS TO OUR GUIDE AND HE RETURNED THEM TO US AFTER GIVING THEM TO THE OFFICIALS FOR PROCESSING,”

The second official shook his head in bewilderment and went off to find a more senior official.

Soon enough, Janie and I were shepherded into an office, in which sat a rather military looking official with strips on his lapels.

“Why have you not got entry stamp visas in your passports?” he asked.

“WE ENTERED BY ROAD AT CHONG MEK…” I started to say, slowly and loudly.

“Ach, Chong Mek. So many problems, Chong Mek,” said our senior official.

“OK”, he went on, “I have the authority to stamp you into Thailand as well as stamp you out of Thailand. So; welcome to Thailand, enjoy your stay…”

…he said, stamping us in, followed by, without a pause for breath…

“…thank you for visiting Thailand. Do visit us again soon. Goodbye,” while stamping us out and stewarding us towards our flight on the outbound side of border control.

There’s probably a lesson in this story for those who think that fences, walls and “control of our own borders” have much meaning in the real world, where hapless travellers and their even more hapless guides could seemingly do as they please, even at the official border posts, but that’s a debate for others, not us.

I should also say that we don’t recommend that you try emulating this activity when you are on holiday (or indeed for any other purpose). Jumping the border was not fun while we were actually doing it; even less fun and more dangerous now, I expect.

Still, Janie and I laughed about it a lot afterwards and dined out on the story for ages. It remains surprisingly fresh in my mind 16 years later, even though it has taken me that long to write it down.

The Children’s Society Cricket Match, Regent’s Park, 24 August 2000

I came across an entry in my diary for 24 August 2000 which had me completely…

…forgive the pun…

stumped.

17:00 Children’s Society, Regent’s Park

I couldn’t remember a thing about this event. It certainly wasn’t a Z/Yen thing.

Following some archaeology on the old e-mails, I ascertained that this was some sort of a match between The Children’s Society and Cable and Wireless; but still nothing came back to my memory.

It was clear from the e-mail trail that both Nigel and Chas had been involved with this match, so I wrote to both of them to see if they had any recollection of this event.

I needn’t have worried – yes they did.

Their replies were so comprehensive…

…and amusing…

…that with a little bit of sub-editing they made a very jolly two-hander for the King Cricket website, which published the piece in January 2018 – click here or below to read the piece.

Charity cricket in Regent’s Park – match report

If by any chance the King Cricket link doesn’t work, I have scraped the piece to here.

To my mind, this is one of the wonderful things about Ogblog – an opportunity to re-engage such memories. Sometimes an event that was not so memorable for me might have been, for some reason, especially memorable for someone else.

Nigel – still shouting from the rooftops about the August 2000 match, perhaps?

My First Ever Book Signing, Clean Business Cuisine (the book), Actors’ Workshop Halifax (the venue), Yet Something Was Missing, 5 July 2000

Clean Business Cuisine, Released 30 June 2000

Michael Mainelli and I, (through Milet, our publisher and Tanya Aslan whom we assigned to the promotion task), organised an intensive promotion campaign around the book, starting with an opportunistic book signing in Yorkshire 5 July.

I had a long association with Mike Ward and The Actor’s Workshop (as it was then called), mostly through my song lyrics.

Mike had started writing plays by 2000. As coincidence would have it, the first of these; The Elland Affair, was due to launch around the same time as Clean Business Cuisine.

Further, I had written some extensive programme notes for The Elland Affair – click here or below:

Programme Notes For The Elland Affair by Mike Ward, I Wrote The Notes 9 May 2000

So, Mike and I hatched the plan that my first book signing would be on the night of the gala premier of The Elland Affair; 5 July 2000.

This would have been a grand plan, had advance copies the book arrived when expected; a couple of weeks before the big night. But of course…

…anyway, the publishers pulled out all the stops, had a box or two of the first batch of books diverted to me for Halifax purposes and I went off on a mini road trip, most of the details of which are lost in the physical diary scrawl and only limited use of e-mail back then.

I know I went via my alma mater, because this e-mail from Professor Lawrence survives:

Dear Tanya,

Thanks for diverting Ian to Keele – it was good to see him and hear about the book. He left me with copies for colleagues and this email is partly to let you know how to chase me up- this is better than the phone!

Take care,

Peter

Janie must have joined me by train to Halifax, as my diary scribble shows that I booked bed and breakfast for two at the Imperial Crown, Halifax, £95. (The price has barely changed in 18 years, I note, while writing in September 2018). We went on to The White Swan, Pickering afterwards – our first visit there – the following year we made our second visit there ahead of visiting Mike’s next production of his own work.  

Anyway, I am pretty sure I met Janie at the hotel where I changed into my evening suit (Gala Evenings at The Actors’ Workshop were black tie affairs) and Janie changed into her glad rags.

Then off we set to get to the theatre early, for my first ever book signing and the show.

Mike Ward had kindly arranged a small stack of my books on a prominent table for me. I sat at the chair and a small queue of eager locals (is there no word for people from Halifax? Hartlepool folk are known as Monkey Hangers, for example), formed to procure and have their en primeur book signed.

I reached into my jacket pocket and discovered…a vacancy. I had no pen in my pocket.

I had turned up to my first ever book signing, without a pen.

Strangely, just to add to my embarrassment, finding a suitable pen for book signing at a place like the Actors’ Workshop was a non-trivial matter. Plenty of marker pens and thick felt tip pens to be found, but it took a while for someone to find a regular type of pen that would look right for book signing.

Still, once that initial (albeit existential problem in the matter of book signing) had been resolved, the rest of the evening passed very successfully. Not only the signing, but the play was well received and I seem to recall a most excellent meal at Mike and Lottie’s place late in the evening, once all of the theatrical excitement was over.

The Elland Affair by Mike Ward, The Actor’s Workshop, 5 July 2000

I have described the book signing aspect of this event in excruciating detail in a separate piece – click here or below.

I have also set out the programme notes I wrote for The Elland Affair – click here.

But what of the show itself?

Well, it seems I gave it a rave review at the time and also assembled some other reviews electronically. I have no idea how or why this information ended up in a “miscellaneous” file on my computer – it looks like a scrape from an on-line something-or-other from back in the mists of time. Anyway, I have just (11 Match 2023) discovered/recovered it, dated 19 July 2000, so here is the contemporaneous reviews of many:

Nicola Sedgefield
Play: The Elland Affair

The Actor’s Workshop Youth Theatre’s latest production, Mike Ward’s ‘The Elland Affair’ is not for the squeamish or sexually repressed.

This orgy of rampant testosterone exposes the physical abilities, acting skills as well as most of the flesh of a group of Yorkshire lads (I presume) who would win hands down in any contest of entertainment against ‘The Chippendales’. With the Workshop lads, what you see is clearly what you get.

Gore as well as sex is plentiful as our fearless heroes plot and ultimately exact revenge on the dastardly Sir John Eland and his thugs. If these lads had been on hand to fight the later Wars of the Roses, Henry VII and all those Tudors would never have made it.

It was a long show, but I wouldn’t have missed it.

Review by: Ian Harris
Play: The Elland Affair

I enjoyed the play immensely. Before taking the world by storm with it, I think Mike Ward would do well to reduce the length by some 30 to 45 minutes. But even in its full length form, there’s enough really good stuff to maintain one’s attention throughout.

The Elland Affair is not for the squeamish or prudish, as other reviewers have no doubt pointed out. But then 1327 probably wasn’t a good time for squeams and prudes to be alive.

A tough but worthwhile assignment this, for a small youth theatre. The broad sword fighting scenes alone must have needed an enormous amount of rehearsal (and muscle building) but were pulled off with great aplomb.

Other youth theatres should take a look at this play and, if suitably ambitious, should do well with it.

Superb programme notes, I thought. (He would say that, wouldn’t he?)

Seriously, well done to author, director, cast and crew.

Review by: Mr G Phillips
Play: The Elland Affair

Yet again the actors workshop has pulled off another excellent performance – ‘The Elland Affair’, superbly written and superbly performed, and it does not cease to amaze me.

Although one or two mistakes were made, and it showed to a certain extent, it was understandable because of all the lines that needed to be learnt.

Kristian Wilkinson played an excellent part as Adam, also Thomas Vickery as Hugh, and they both worked well together showing that they had put a lot of time and effort into the production.

The one character that didn’t really stand out was Harry he could have been played a lot better, Christopher Cockroft did not prove to be much as there was no ‘umph’ behind his lines.

My wife thinks that the the one person that did stand out, even though he did not have a big part, was Aaron. He stood out with his witty humour on how he thought that he was a ‘sex god’ – very well played by Shane Gough. The thing that made him stand out is that he would always turn up at the right moment.’Hope to see him again’ she says.

Which also shows how well the play was written. Even though it was a bit long, there is not a single scene which I can think to leave out, one or two lines maybe, but none of the scenes.

Well done to Mr Ward and I can’t wait for your next one – I assume you are going to write one.

P.S don’t listen to Margaret Woods, you guys are doing a fantastic job and some of you could be the future of television.

Review by: Steve Cattell
Play: The Elland Affair

This was about my fourth outing to an Actor’s Workshop production, and by far the most enjoyable yet.

I had been fore-warned about the length of the play, but felt that the length was justified to contain the full story – a story which has been excellently written by Mike Ward.

Full marks to Kristian for learning so many lines !! What this must have done to his social life over the past two months is anyones guess !! and also a great performance by his right hand man who put in a blinding performance – a natural on the stage.

And of course, I have to mention the star of the show (although I am slightly biased !!!), Grace Siddall – who proved once more that a career in acting is definately looking promising…..

Keep writing Mike, it keeps us entertained…..

Review by: Mr F Smith
Play: The Elland Affair

I must say that my evening at the Actors Workshop was superb whilst seeing the ‘Elland affair’.

I thought that everyone took on the challenge of being 13th century teenagers very well and it was obvious that they had all completly focused on the task.

My only fault was that occasionally the play was disrupted by loud backstage noise.

I also thought that the role of Harry De’lacey slightly lacked confidence.

Review by: A. Ward
Play: The Elland Affair

A great world premiere.

A highly enjoyable swashbuckling tale of revenge, treachery, and humanity – one that will surely see future stagings throughout the country.

A trifle long – particularly the second Act – but this was a mere flesh wound to the body of work as a whole.

Some fine performances and some intriguingly insightful writing touches.

I suggest a sequel – ‘Confessions of a Miller’s Wife’…….

Review by: J.B.W.Summerskill
Play: The Elland Affair

I sat in awe last week as I watched the Mike Ward work ‘The Elland Affair’. I thought it was the best show the company performed that I have seen.

With its carefully woven themes of loyalty, love, friendship and hatred thumping into the audience with welcome regularity, I was kept on my toes laughing and gasping throughout. Many congratulations to all on an exciting and provocative story which could be adapted into a blockbusting production on stage or screen were it to fall into the “wrong” hands.

No doubt Janie and I also enjoyed lavish hospitality at the hands of Mike and Lottie Ward after the show that night…

…after I had returned the pen(s) to their rightful owner(s).

Programme Notes For The Elland Affair by Mike Ward, I Wrote The Notes 9 May 2000

THE ELLAND AFFAIR by MIKE WARD

PROGRAMME NOTES

 

The Elland Feud

The play “The Elland Affair” (pronounced ‘ee-land’) is based on The Elland Feud of the early 14th Century.  Many details of the story are lost in the mists of time, and the few remaining reports of the events vary.  Nevertheless, accounts of the main facts of this sorry affair are consistent.  Sir John Elland, the High Sheriff of York, had a grudge against Sir Robert Beaumont of Crosland Hall, near Huddersfield as a result of an earlier feud between their respective allies.  One outcome of the earlier feud was the death of Sir John Elland’s nephew at the hand of Exley, a kinsman of Sir Robert Beaumont.

Sir John Elland’s appalling murder of Sir Robert Beaumont and several of his neighbours, friends and relations defies description by a gentle author of programme notes.  We’ll leave it to the playwright (through the mouths of his characters) to describe the butchery.  Suffice it to say that Elland’s murderous attack is an historical fact.  Those murders probably took place in 1317 or shortly thereafter.  “The Elland Affair”, mercifully, is not the story of Sir John Elland’s rampage, rather it is the story of its consequences.

Lady Beaumont (Sir Robert’s widow) fled to Lancashire with her young sons together with several sons of Elland’s other victims and enemies.  These boys trained themselves in the arts of fighting and swore to avenge the blood of their fathers once they reached manhood.   “The Elland Affair”, set in 1327, covers these young men’s last few days in Lancashire and their return to West Yorkshire in search of vengeance.

 

Government

England was still a feudal society in the early 14th century; the monarch held absolute power.  Regionally, the nobility and gentry could do pretty much as they pleased, subject to Royal Command.  Edward II was on the throne at the start of the Elland Feud and met his uncomfortable demise in 1327, the year in which “The Elland Affair” takes place.  There are several references to the new King in the play, so clearly Edward III had just succeeded the throne.  Edward II was a weak King who probably exercised little control over his barons, hence failing to prevent ugly incidents like the Elland Feud.  By contrast, Edward III was to achieve a long (50 years), profligate (England was nearly bankrupt) but relatively stable reign.  By the time Edward III died, in 1377, the Plantagenet line had thinned somewhat (he was succeeded by his grandson, Richard II), rival houses of Lancaster and York felt they had valid claims to the succession and the Wars of the Roses resulted.

The theatrical world has made earlier in-roads into this patchy period of English history.  Christopher Marlowe wrote a play about Edward II and his unseemly end.  William Shakespeare wrote a Richard II and plays about the subsequent “Wars of the Roses” monarchs.  Poor old Edward III, despite (or possibly because of) his 50 stable years of power, has tended to be confined to bit parts or passing mentions in plays about others.  “The Elland Affair” perpetuates this great tradition of English drama.  The characters of “The Elland Affair” weren’t to know, of course, that relative political stability had just arrived.  They were to some extent the victims of Edward II’s political weakness and lived in hope of better government under the new King.

 

Famine

Prior to the early 14th century, local food shortages and resulting starvation were relatively common, sporadic occurrences in Europe.  At any one location, however, famine was rare.  On the whole, food production had increased in line with the population growth.  Standards of living increased steadily in the five hundred years leading up to 1300.  As a result, there was a “baby boom” in the early part of the 14th Century.  Tragically, climatic changes caused several successive disastrous harvests: 1315, 1316 and 1317.  The crop failures, together with the larger population to feed, resulted in the Great Famine of early 14th Century Europe.  The famine was far worse in mainland Europe than in Great Britain, but there still were widespread food shortages and starvation in Britain during the famine.  All classes suffered, although the working classes took the brunt of the misfortune.  The Elland Feud itself might, in part, be explained by the shortages and the Barons’ attempts to maintain their standards of living in difficult times.

Under the prevailing economic circumstances, the Abbot’s generosity towards the Beaumont family and the other young men was immense.   When the Abbot asks Adam and his entourage to leave for good, he might have made the request in part for fear of reprisal, but he probably mainly sought relief from the burden of feeding so many additional mouths.

When one of the young fighters tosses some bread to one of the servants, this is a significant act of generosity, which is accepted greedily.  When Betsy resists the young men’s requests on the grounds that she might lose her job, she is not being a “jobsworth” in the modern sense; she literally fears for her very livelihood.  A servant losing their job in such difficult times might have struggled to survive the loss.  When Ozzie says “half the world is starving”, he shows laudable concern for the world around him.  In fact, by 1327, Europe’s food supply had more or less recovered, but it had taken some ten years to do so and the characters of the play would not have known the extent of the recovery beyond their locality.  The famine changed society and attitudes in the long term.

 

Dirt and Plague

One consequence of poverty caused by the famine was a diminution in hygiene.  Although we tend to think of the Middle Ages as an unwashed era, in fact personal hygiene was relatively advanced at the start of the 14th Century.  Public bath houses were common in England until the time of the Great Famine.  Cleanliness was one of the first things to go in the poverty which followed the famine.  “The Elland Affair” characters probably all needed a good bath and little understood the benefits of personal hygiene.

The unwashed era unhappily coincided with, and almost certainly exacerbated, the Black Death, the plague which swept Western Europe (including England) some 30 years after the Elland affair.  In fact, 1327, the year in which “The Elland Affair” is set, was the year in which the Black Death was first reported, thousands of miles from Elland, somewhere in the Gobi Desert region.   No-one in “The Elland Affair” says “a plague on both your houses”, which is probably just as well.  The line would not only be horribly derivative (see “Romeo & Juliet”) but also painfully ironic.  Very few of the young characters in the play would have made it past the age of fifty, even in the absence of the Elland Feud and the late Crusades.

 

Festering Vengeance

The Elland Feud preceded the Wars of the Roses by some 100 years, but many of the characteristics of that war were already in place; territorial rivalry across the Pennines, long standing feuds and festering vengeance.  Before we tut-tut too loudly about these primitive medieval people, let us not forget that similar bloody situations still subsist.   The six counties of Northern Island and the various Balkan crises are relatively recent, local examples.  In Central Asia and Africa there are many more examples; Afghanistan and Rwanda are well-known examples, Nagorno-Karabach and Eritrea are two of the many less well-known but long-running examples.

The long-festering “need” for revenge so evident in the Elland Feud and these more global examples is baffling to many of us.  Seeking vengeance is relatively common, so seems to form part of “the human condition”, yet many humans seem equally capable of contrary characteristics; forgiveness, “letting bygones be bygones” and not bearing grudges.  Many of us, if we are honest with ourselves, are easily confused by the moral dilemmas we face if we are irrevocably wronged.  Should we try to “put matters right” (seek vengeance) or uphold our principles by abstaining from behaviour we believe to be wrong.  Our response of course depends on many factors; the circumstances, our individual morality and our psychology being just three of the factors.

In the play, “The Elland Affair”, the complexity and diversity of human responses to being wronged is especially evident in the characters of the Beaumont brothers.  Edgar, the elder brother, has gone into the church and has opted to “turn the other cheek”.  Adam, the younger brother, has his heart set on unmitigated vengeance against Sir John Elland.  The church might be seen as a dampening influence on the human desire for revenge, but this seems overly simplistic.  In the era of the play, the crusades were, to a large part, vengeance wars, fought in the name of and with the blessing of organised religion.  The Knights Templar, who coincidentally had been routed shortly before the events of “The Elland affair”, were in effect monk-knights.  Also consider modern examples; one only has to think of the Reverend Ian Paisley and his supporters to realise that the church can still be equivocal on this issue.  In the play, Edgar’s cheek turning is equivocal.  On several occasions, Edgar acts to assist his brother’s campaign, despite Edgar’s persistent use of the language of reconciliation.  The Abbot, although comparatively disinterested, also behaves equivocally on this matter.  Their responses are all-too human.

 

Weaponry

One of the best historical accounts of  “The Elland Feud” is contained in the early 19th Century book, The Book of Archery, in the section entitled “Juvenile Bowmen”.  The years the young heroes the play spent learning to fight are cited in that account:

“they laboured to acquire dexterity in such martial exercises as were calculated to render them dextrous in the anticipated game of death; namely riding, tilting, the sword, and shooting in the long bow, then England’s most famous and redoubtable artillery”.

The young men’s obsession with their improved arrows and the quantity of arrows they would have to hand is quite understandable in the context.  Firstly, these factors were likely to be matters of life and death in the venture they were pursuing.  Secondly, their mastery of their weaponry would have been their main preoccupation for the years leading up to the revenge.

 

Living for Today

The young men in “The Elland Affair” live life for today.  Their irresponsible attitude towards women and the consequences of their sexual activity is extreme by modern standards in our society, even for young Yorkshiremen hanging around in Lancashire.  These were young men from “good families” who had been raised in a religious community.  Their behaviour at times seems very immature and reckless to us.  Consider, however, the circumstances of these particular young men.  They lived in uncertain times and would not have anticipated living long lives in the way we half expect to do so today.  If the feud didn’t get you, the famine might.  If not the famine, perhaps disease.  If not disease, perhaps the Crusading.

The protagonists in “The Elland Affair” had little to lose.  Younger brothers did not expect to inherit.  Any inheritances that might have been in the offing in these particular families had probably been seriously dented as a result of the feud and the untimely deaths of the fathers. Even within modern society today, we can observe this “living for today” attitude more often amongst those who have little to lose.  We observe it in Britain; consider high levels of drug use and extreme promiscuity in economically deprived, urban areas.  Consider also the even more extreme behaviours in Sub-Saharan Africa where apparent sexual recklessness causes severe economic, social and medical problems, not least through AIDS and high birth rates.

In “The Elland Affair”, despite their upbringing in the religious community, the young men are secular in attitude.  Medieval society had a strangely extreme divide between celibate sacred society and bawdy secular society.   “The Elland Affair” protagonists had clearly plugged for bawdy secular and were making the most of it while they could.

 

Friendship & Loyalty

The friendships between the main co-conspirators of “The Elland Affair” (Adam, Harry, Robert and Huck) are intense.  Indeed, their unity transcends what most of us achieve and seek in friendship.  After all, these young men share a common trauma, upbringing and purpose beyond most of our experience.

The other friends and supporters of the co-conspirators are not so intensely linked with each other or with the main protagonists, although they are what most of us would consider friends.  They are also loyal, apart from the one traitorous exception in the plot.

When it becomes apparent that one of the party is a traitor, there is little suspicion amongst the main co-conspirators, as their bond is so tight.  However, they are unable to identify the traitor, as they believe the whole party to be good and/or old friends.

The characters in this play raise many fundamental questions about friendship and loyalty; here is a small sample: What is the difference between friendship and kinship?  Can bonding transcend “mere” friendship, and what is that experience beyond friendship?  Does friendship presuppose loyalty?  How does one earn  friendship and loyalty?  Can friendship and loyalty be bought, or does the existence of price indicate that the friendship or loyalty were never there?

Adam Beaumont is a charismatic character.  Although a (self-confessed) flawed leader, he inspires friendship and loyalty.  Indeed, Adam’s followers at times seem like disciples in a biblical sense.  Of course, neither the audience nor the characters learn the answers to all the questions about friendship and loyalty raised by the play.  But most of us (who survive the experience) end up a little wiser and a lot more thoughtful.

 

 

Passion

“The Elland Affair” is in many ways a Passion play.  The young men are passionate in their amours, albeit in a somewhat immature and offhand way.  More importantly, they believe passionately in their cause and are willing to follow their cause to the death, if need be.  There are also many parallels with Christ’s Passion.  The plot and ending vary in several material ways from Christ’s Passion.  Nevertheless the play contains similar inevitabilities; the return to confront one’s fate, the blind faith of followers, the anticipated betrayal for money, ideals which transcend logic. Whether you agree with the young men’s actions or not, their passion is admirable.  Despite the fact that the main characters followed a secular rather than a sacred path in life, several Elland Feud survivors are reputed to have “kept their fighting arms in” by going crusading after the feud.  Some people never learn.  Or perhaps they felt the need to perpetuate the intensity and passion of their friendships in adversity.

Dinner With Mike Ward At Silks & Spice In Foley Street, 15 December 1998

I know that Mike and I had tried to meet up for dinner in London a few times in the mid 1990s without success. This might even have been the first time that our diaries conspired to enable us to meet for dinner in The Smoke. We dined in Silks and Spice

We certainly weren’t conspiring in the manner of Bryce Taylor & Max Clifford, who famously had liaised in that very restaurant in the matter of Princess Diana photographs a few years earlier. Nor would we have been discussing my Princess Diana lyrics, e.g. this one, which to all intents and purposes died with her the previous year.

But no doubt we were discussing his forthcoming Actor’s Workshop New Year Revels show and possibly his plans for writing a couple of plays and shows, which Mike wrote and produced over the next few years.

I remember the restaurant being quite a good one. it is now, 25 years later, Foley’s Restaurant, a modern fusion take on South-east Asian food. Just around the corner from the old Harris family homestead, as I now know. Back then, who knew? Well, I sort-of knew but didn’t pay the matter much heed back then.

Mike and I will have had a very pleasant evening no doubt.

Windows, A Lyric For Charles And Mike, 29 June 1998

Image produced in collaboration with Dall-E

In honour of Charley “The Gent Malloy” Bartlett’s impending visit to Lord’s today (as I write on 21 April 2017) I was reminded of the following lyric.

It is one of the very last I wrote using Amipro and therefore part of the batch I am trying to rescue onto Ogblog before my old computer passes away…

…and the subject matter, ironically, is IT. I wrote this (and several others for The Children’s Society Windows Rollout team) ahead of a team end of project session at Wadderton.

The project parodied in the song was sensibly written up in a seminal piece by me and Charles for the charity press (NGO Finance) a few months later – click here if you want to know about it.

Charles likes a bit of metal – both the IT and musical variety, so the choice of tune was, I think, a good one. I wonder what Charles will think of this well-geeky lyric nearly 20 years on?

PLANNING A ROLLOUT OF WINDOWS
(Epic To the Tune of “Stairway To Heaven”)
VERSE 1

There’s a fellow whose mode-,
-em is not Dacom Gold,
And the name of that bloke is Charles Bartlett;
When he breaks wind you’ll know,
As the windows are closed,
If that noise was a burp or a fartlett.
Mmmmmmmm, mmmmmmmmm,
And he’s planning a rollout of Windows.

VERSE 2

There’s a sign on the door,
Cos he wants to be sure,
And the sign reads “IT room, no entry”;
I suspect that the room’s,
Got NS Optimum’s,
Entire stock ’til the end of the century.
Ooooooooooh, it makes me wonder.
Ooooooooooh, it makes me wonder.

VERSE 3

There’s a feeling I get,
When I call the helpdesk,
That they and Z/Yen are drinking Bacardi;
I get fine, rum advice,
‘Tho’ they ask in a trice,
Tony Duggan or Michael Bernardi.
Ooooooooooh, it makes me wonder.
Ooooooooooh, and it makes me wonder.

VERSE 4

And it’s whispered that soon,
Yes by the end of June,
TCS will have rolled out completely;
ITSOs and Marion,
Will still carry on,
FMI Windows training discretely.

VERSE 5

If there’s a gremlin in your Windows,
Don’t be alarmed now,
It’s just a browser from Bill Gates;
Yes there are two paths you can go by,
But in the long run,
He’ll make you buy Windows 98.
Ooooooooh, that’s how he’s made his fortune.

VERSE 6

Your modem’s humming but you don’t know,
Because it’s so slow,
If you’ve got e-mail or been forsook;
Perhaps the server’s full of e-trash,
Or had a head crash,
Or just can’t load Microsoft Outlook.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh

(AIR GUITAR BREAK)

VERSE 7

Charles and Mike Smith have bought the road,
I’m talking Tottenham Court Road;
Up walks the lady we all know (“watcha Mangal”),
Whose eyes light up to say “hello,
What have you guys bought from the stores?
We have to budget very hard,
None of that corporate charge card,
This recent rollout really shows, (yeh)
That Windows costs a lot of dough.”

OUTRO – MIKE AND CHARLES’ REPLY

“We were buying some spares and cheap modems”.

Here is Led Zeppelin singing Stairway To Heaven with the lyrics shown on screen. I can do a passable Stairway on the baritone ukulele, btw, but I’m not expecting Chas to ask for a performance. Mike Smith, on the other hand, might insist upon it…