Category: Writing (my writing)

Not much to say about this one. I cannot remember whether or not it was used.

TWINKLE TWINKLE
(Quickie to the Tune of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”)

VERSE 1

Twinkle Twinkle little comet,
How this bother makes me vomit.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Hale-Bopp in the sky so high,
Loony Heaven’s Gate folk die.

OUTRO

Twinkle Twinkle little comet,
Head like Wallace, arse like Gromett.

Below is a video of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star with the lyrics on screen:

I’m not sure whether or not NewsRevue used this lyric, but I do know that, 21 years later, we alumni NewsRevue writers had a sort of moral Christmas ourselves with John Random’s Moral Maze crackers:

An Amazing Week Of Grazing And Moral Mazing, 1 to 7 December 2017

MORAL CHRISTMAS
(To the Tune of “Merry Xmas”)

 

VERSE 1

Politicians wear their ethics on their sleeve,
And in politics that’s dead hard to believe;
They pretend that they are worthy,
And that they believe in God,
Deep down, we know, each one’s an evil sod.

CHORUS 1

So here it is, moral Christmas,
Major, Blair and Ashdown pray,
Here’s to the public,
Who just wish they’d go away.

VERSE 2

When the politicians try so hard to please,
You can bet they’re on the make or deep in sleaze;
They might ride a red nosed reindeer,
Not a sexual delight,
They’d do anything when told the price is right.

CHORUS 2

So here it is moral Christmas,
When hypocrisy’s a smash,
Pay for your questions now,
With Barclaycard or cash.

CHORUS 3

So here it is moral Christmas,
When MPs seek the high ground,
Here’s to the future graft,
In Euros not in pounds.

Below is Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade with lyrics on the screen:

Marjory Proops was a very well-known agony aunt, said to bear an uncanny resemblance to my mum. Frankly, I think it was just the cruel spectacles combined with some ethnic stereotyping.

Anyway, point is, Proops died in November 1996 so I wrote the following lyric for NewsRevue, which, I think, went down well.

MARGE PROOPS
(To the Tune of “High Hopes”)

 

VERSE 1

If you want vice at a newspaper price,
There was lots to be learned from Proops’ advice.
Just what made that agony aunt,
Want to write with a sexual slant;
Editors thought an old aunt can’t,
Make their readership pant.

CHORUS 1

But she was Marge Proops,
She was Marge Proops,
She was back of a barge, nose too large Proops.
If you’d a dud relationship,
‘jaculation’s quick,
Or you’d done a Hugh Grant.
You’d tell all to Marge the agony aunt,
{You’d tell all to Marge the agony aunt,}
You’d tell all to Marge the agony aunt.

VERSE 2

If you gave head or were no good in bed,
She was not too much help and now she’s dead.
Just what made that agony aunt,
Make folk think her advice was extant?;
Anyone knows an old aunt can’t,
Do much other than rant.

CHORUS 2

But she was Marge Proops,
She was Marge Proops,
She was light brigade charge, specs too large Proops.
So now if you are cryin’ she’s,
Not replyin’ cos,
She’s a stiff so she can’t;
Oops there goes another agony aunt,
{Oops there goes another agony aunt,}
Oops there goes another agony aunt.

Ker plop!

Below is a video of Frank Sinatra and a chorus of kiddies singing High Hopes with the lyrics on the screen: