Category: Writing (my writing)

I don’t recall this one making the show, but I was attending NewsRevue a bit less often by late 1996, so it might have done without me seeing it. It shows due reverence for the fag end of that Tory government, and for the rock group Oasis.

WHAT’S THE STORY, BORING TORY
(To the Tune of “What’s the Story, Morning Glory”)

 

VERSE 1

All our dreams are made,
When were chained from the goolies by a chambermaid,
This is Conservative morality;
Another conference afternoon,
Listening to the crap from our favourite loon,
The public only hope it’ll all be over soon.

CHORUS 1

Need some little lies to make up, Need some little lies to make up, make up,
Need a few more lines to fake up, Need a party line to bend your mind,
We’ll get your vote in the end so might as well.
What’s the story, boring Tory, Well?
We need a few more lies to make up make up, Hell?
What’s the story, boring Tory, Hell?
Need a few more lies to make up make up.

VERSE 2

All our votes are won,
When the press gets all jingoistic, read the Sun,
We’re sprouting on so Eurosceptically;
Another low opinion poll,
Another gaff and minister deep in a hole,
Tomorrow no-one knows what was the controversy.

CHORUS 2

Need a minister to scapegoat, (Ken Clarke), Need a good excuse to scapegoat, Ken Clarke,
Need to exorcise the turncoat, Not the party line, so just resign,
Not one of us, so we guess you might as well.
What’s the story, warning Tories, Well?
Just hold the party line and wake up wake up, Well?
What’s the story, boring Tories, Well?
Need a few more lies to make up make up, Well?

OUTRO

MAJOR: Why can’t we be successful like Oasis?
CLARKE: We’re very much like Oasis, Prime Minister. Always squabbling, consistently failing to please the public, and no-one outside Britain takes us even faintly seriously.

Below is Oasis singing What’s the Story, Morning Glory with lyrics on the screen.

Was Alexander Lebed that big news in 1996? Clearly I thought so.

I really like this lyric.

ALEXANDER LEBED’S NAME
(To the Tune of “Alexander’s Ragtime Band”)
CHORUS 1

Come on and hear, come on and hear,
Alexander Lyebed’s name;
Come on and hear, come on and hear,
Why oh why his name has changed.

MIDDLE EIGHT

ITN still say “Lebed”,
On the Beeb they say “Lyebed”,
Sky News just has the Smurfs and octuplets instead;
This man’s a tough guy who can’t stand,
That Chechen land.

CHORUS 2

Come on along, come on along,
Watch him take the military;
Back to the land, back to the land,
Where the capital’s Grozny.

OUTRO

And if you want to read that War and Peace book,
In a blood bath;
Come on and see, come on and see,
Alexander Lyebed
(Betcha Yeltsin’s long dead)
Alexander Lyebed’s ta-a-ank (bom bom)
Yes, we said tank (bom).

Here’s a YouTube of Louis Armstrong singing Alexander’s Ragtime Band:

…and here’s a link to those Alexander lyrics too.

I seem to recall this one doing well in NewsRevue. Royal family material tended to do well. Reading it again (June 2019) for the first time in 20+ years, it has made me smile or even laugh a couple of times.

THIS OLD HISE
(To the Tune of “This Old House”)

 

VERSE 1 – CHUCK WINDSOR

This old hise once had some princes,
This old hise once knew a wife;
This old hise is called Balmoral,
And I ought to get a life.
This old hise belongs to Mater,
But it’s no economy;
This old hise could raise a few bob,
To help one pay one’s alimony.

CHORUS 1 – THE WINDSORS

Ain’t-a gonna need this hise no longer, aint-a gonna need this hise no more,
Ain’t got time to shoot the grise and ain’t got time to beat the moor;
Ain’t got time to go to Scotland and Balmoral’s such a bore,
Ain’t-a gonna need this hise no longer once the Monarchy’s reformed.

VERSE 2 – CHUCK WINDSOR

This old hise is known as Windsor,
This old hise has civil lists;
This old hise has Princess Margaret,
Who is always stoned or pissed.
This old hise has countless liggers,
This old hise has mavericks;
But a girlie can’t precede one,
And one can’t marry a Catholic.

CHORUS 2 – THE WINDSORS

Ain’t-a gonna need this hise no longer, aint-a gonna need this hise no more,
Ain’t got funds to pay the servants, that cow Di has left one poor;
Ain’t got cash to pay for polo or to run one’s fleet of Rolls,
Ain’t-a gonna need a horse and cart if one weds Camilla Parker-Bowles.

CHORUS 3 – CHUCK AND CAMILLA

Ain’t-a gonna need this hise no longer, aint-a gonna need this hise no more;
Ain’t got cash to pay one’s taxes, don’t like primogeniture;
Just allow us to draw income from those tiny Crown Estates,
For a-hundred-million annual we’ll live in exile in the States!!

Click here to go through to a video of Shakin Stevens singing This Old House with the lyrics in the comment. Or you can just watch the video below:

I think there were a lot of strikes and other forms of transportation problem that summer. Like most summers really. Anyway, I chose to write this for NewsRevue:

LONDON TRANSPORT
(To the Tune of “Paint Your Wagon”)

 

INTRO

Tubes, tubes, tubes, tubes;
TUBES, TUBES;
Got a Game Boy, got a book,
London Transport is deep in shtook.

VERSE 1

Where am I going, I don’t know,
Where am I headin’, I ain’t certain,
All that I know is I’m NOT on my way;
When will I be there, I don’t know,
When will I get there, I ain’t certain,
All that I know is I’m NOT on my way.

Got a Game Boy, got a song,
But the tube trains don’t come along.

VERSE 2

Ou est le Metro, ne sais quoi?
Wann fahrt der Zug ab, Ich wusste nicht dass,
Nil desperandum, vis inertiae;
Why do I sing in mock Chinese?
Why am chanting in mock Swedish?
Passes the time while tubes do not arrive.

Once the tourists have gone away,
Then the drivers might get more pay.

OUTRO

Where are they going, I don’t know,
When will they be there I ain’t certain,
What will they get I ain’t equiped to say;
But who gives a damn, who gives a damn, let’s holiday!!

Below is a video with the Paint Your Wagon theme song playing. I had never previously noted the “even worse than Dick Van Dyke cockerney” line early in this movie version of the song – listen out for it:

Click here for a link to the Paint Your Wagon Theme lyrics.

I don’t remember all the details of this news item but I think the lyric provides plenty of clues. Here is a link to the news item at the time.

I think this one did well in the show, but only briefly. The publicity-seeking, octuplet-carrying mother sadly lost all the babies, which rather put a dampener on the story as a source of comedy.

EIGHT BABIES
(To the Tune of “Two Ladies”)

A song for pregnant woman (PW), other woman (OW) and rogue father (RF). Brummy accents would be nice but aren’t compulsory

VERSE 1 – PREGNANT WOMAN AND (ROGUE FATHER)

Biddly-diddly-de, biddly-diddley-de, biddly biddly biddly biddly de;
Diddly-di-de-de (eight babies),
Diddly-di-de-de (eight babies),
Diddly-di-de-de (and I’m the only man here);
Diddly-di-de-de (she crackers),
Diddly-di-de-de (I’m knackered),
Diddly-di-de-de (there’s eight for one).

VERSE 2 – ROGUE FATHER AND (PREGNANT WOMAN)

Diddly-di-de-de (eight papers),
Diddly-di-de-de (eight papers),
Diddly-di-de-de (but only one exclusive);
Diddly-di-de-de (Max Clifford),
Diddly-di-de-de (fat cheques for),
Diddly-di-de-de (News of the World).

MIDDLE EIGHT – ALL

PW: I’m Mandy Allwood,
OW: I’m the one he’ll wed,
RF: I’m taking hormones to serve them both in bed;
ALL: We’ve one thing in common with publicity;
PW: The fee, OW: The fee, RF: The fee.

VERSE 3 – ALL

Diddly-di-de-de (OW: two ladies),
Diddly-di-de-de (PW: two ladies),
Diddly-di-de-de (RF: and I get all the bad press);
Diddly-di-de-de (OW: two timer),
Diddly-di-de-de (PW: eight timer),
Diddly-di-de-de (RF: they’re up the duff).

OUTRO

PW: Are you going to help me to change all those nappies then, Paul.
RF: I thought Max Clifford said he’d do that for me.
OW: He never, he just said he could take all the shit off your hands.
BLACKOUT

Here is Two Ladies from the movie Cabaret:

Here is a link to the Two Ladies lyrics.