Category: Writing (my writing)

Greenpeace, NewsRevue Lyric, Probably Unused, 26 November 1995

This one must be a slightly tinkered version of one I submitted in October. I don’t think it was ever used. Presumably Greenpeace were trying to stop nuclear tests at that time. A few good puns in there…

…and I can play Greensleeves on my baroq-ulele – I might give this one a go now.

GREENPEACE
(To the Tune of “Greensleeves”)
VERSE 1

As I was watching the forests fail,
And collecting water up in my pail;
I thought I’d save the Bikini Whale,
So I signed up a contract with Greenpeace.

CHORUS 1

Greenpeace is an Irish cause,
Cos they said “Muroa Atoll, Atoll”,
Although I had never sailed before,
I took charge of a boat name of Greenpeace.

VERSE 2

As I was sailing the southern seas,
A frogman got on beside of me,
He said “zis vessel aaass now been seized”,
And he made the sea boil round the Greenpeace.

CHORUS 2

Greenpeace were a mite upset,
Cos I lost their boat in his fishing net,
I’m cold and scared and I’m soaking wet,
And don’t know why I’ve now got these green sleeves.

VERSE 3

Then Greenpeace took me to task in spite,
And their weird tribunals went on all night,
If I had wanted a frigging fight,
I’d have signed for the French Foreign Legion.
(Shows arm) I’ve got a French foreign lesion on this arm and it’s getting bigger.

CHORUS 3

Greenpeace, I’ve now made my mark,
And my heads both glow when I’m in the dark;
I pee for laser shows in the park,
Which is why my nickname now is Green Piss.

Here is a version of Greensleeves with some Tudor-sounding lyrics:

The Shit Of Araby, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 November 1995

This lyric did nicely, if I recall correctly. Very performable.

I am delighted to report that Jonathan Aitken did not get away with his crimes, despite the outcome inferred by the lyric.

THE SHIT OF ARABY
(To the Tune of “The Sheikh of Araby”)
VERSE 1 – JONATHAN AITKEN

I’m the shit of Araby,
A right fat cat Tory;
Jon Aitken is my name,
Gun running is my game.

When I meet those Saudi gits,
They put me in the Ritz;
With cars and jewellery,
Cos they want my weaponry.

MIDDLE EIGHT – THE PRESS

He’s the shit of Araby,
And when he leaves the Treasury,
You should see him follow sheikhs around;
That’s bad.
Even though he’s ripped off half the Nation,
He’ll still sue for defamation,
Guardian and World in Action found.

AITKEN: I’m a cad;

When he’s laying down to sleep,
He’s counting guns instead of sheep;
From his pockets,
Arms and rockets sprout;
Who’s counting?
He knows vital statistics,
Like girls with huge ballistics
He’s a shit who knows arms dealing inside out.

OUTRO – AITKEN

I’ll sue the media liberally,
Cos I’m the Chief of Treasury;
And if I treat the judge nicely (winks),
I’m sure the court will side with me.

Here is a YouTube of Spike Jones and His City Slickers version, including the “patter” section parodied above:

Here is a link to the lyrics, including the patter verse.

I also found a wonderful video version of Spike Jones & His City Slickers performing this number, but without the patter – amazing vid though, Spike Jones himself seen on percussion.

I wrote an update 24 June 1997:

THE SHIT OF ARABY – 1997 REMIX
(To the Tune of “The Sheikh of Araby”)

 

VERSE 1 – JONATHAN AITKEN

I’m the shit of Araby,
A right fat cat Tory;
Jon Aitken is my name,
Gun running is my game.

When I meet those Saudi gits,
They put me in the Ritz;
With cars and jewellery,
Cos they want my weaponry.

MIDDLE EIGHT – THE PRESS

He’s the shit of Araby,
And Aitken left the Treasury,
Just to follow gun-crazed sheikhs around;
That’s bad.
Even though he ripped off half the Nation,
He still sued for defamation,
Guardian and World in Action found.

AITKEN: I’m a cad;

When he’s laying down to sleep,
He’s counting guns instead of sheep;
From his pockets,
Arms and rockets sprout;
Who’s counting?
He knows vital statistics,
Like girls with huge ballistics
He’s a shit who knows arms dealing inside out.

OUTRO – AITKEN

I sued the media liberally,
I thought the judge would side with me;
But lost my seat on the Privy;
And I’ll go down for perjury.

 

Ebola, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 November 1995

Almost certainly unused, in too bad taste even for NewsRevue.

Some good lines in it though.

Postscript: false memory. My submission letter of 26 November 1995 indicates that this one had been used 7+ times – i.e. in more than one run; perhaps several.

My cata-log indicates that it was originally written on 16 May 1995.

So not too bad taste for NewsRevue – not in the slightest. Whatever was I thinking when I wrote the above note?

EBOLA
(Really Sick Quickie to the Tune of “Maria”)

VERSE 1

Ebola,
They’ve just found a germ named Ebola;
It’s really rather vile,
It makes you throw up blood,
And bile.

VERSE 2

Zaire,
I’m glad I’m not there and I’m here;
The thought of it’s as sick,
As Michael Howard’s prick,
And piles.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Ebola,
Say it loud and Kinshasa’s in turmoil,
Say it soft, and its a brand of corn oil.

OUTRO

Mazola,
Won’t go through you as fast as,
Ebola.

Maria from West Side Story is a nice song in its own right:

 

 

Letter To Kerry Michael, NewsRevue Pre-Run Submissions, 26 November 1995

Now Kerry Michael MBE, nach. I wonder whether he still lists NewsRevue on his CV?

The table of submissions was neat and tidy but the only way I can cut and paste it from Amipro to here, it needs to look like a great long list…

…but you’ll get the gist.

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
CHRISTMAS 1995 RUN

Dear Kerry

Great to have you back!! This starter pack consists some songs currently in the show, some previously unperformed ones and revamps of one or two which have come back into fashion as it were. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request. Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.

Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape

Aprox. No. of weeks performed: 7+ 4-6 1-3 New

side 1

christmas song/mary’s boy child / harry bellafonte: New

lilley the prick/ lilly the pink / scaffold: 4-6

serbi serbi chief chief/ chirpy chirpy cheep cheep / middle of the road: 4-6

those were the raves/those were the days / mary hopkin: 4-6

Sunbed/sunny / bobby hebb: 4-6

old boys/ oh boy / buddy holly: 7+

i’ll never find another job/i’ll never find another you / seekers: 7+

crap tarantino man/son of a preacher man / dusty springfield: 4-6

the shit of araby/the sheikh of araby / spike jones: 4-6

side 2

ebola/maria / west side story: 7+

sealed syphilis/sealed with a kiss/brian hyland: 4-6

jumping mick jagger/ jumping jack flash / rolling stones: 4-6

surf the internet/surfin’ usa / beach boys: 4-6

eton beat it / michael jackson: 4-6

greenpeace NO RECORDING – SORRY: New

the pill is safe/ chantilly lace / jerry lee lewis: 4-6

Lilley The Prick, NewsRevue Song, 26 November 1995

This one is a rewrite of a lyric from 1993:

Lilley the Prick, NewsRevue Lyric, 8 August 1993

Not the most subtle lyric, but quite effective in transmitting its message, I feel.

LILLEY THE PRICK
(To the Tune of “Lilly The Pink”)

CHORUS 1

We’re, sick, we’re sick, we’re sick,
Of Lilley the prick, the prick, the prick,
The breaker of the DSS;
For he’s removing our benefit payments,
Now we’re entitled to even less.

VERSE 1

Michael Howard, was a terrible coward,
He would never take the blame;
So they gave him, political functions,
But he deflects guilt, just the same.
Johnny Aitken, was constantly takin’,
Large back-handers from some sheikh;
So they gave him, political functions,
Now he’s yet more on the make.

CHORUS 2

We’ll dig, we’ll dig we’ll dig,
At Lilley the pig, the pig, the pig,
The hater of the welfare state;
He’s refusing most benefit payments,
And leaving poor folk to their fate.

VERSE 2

David Hunt, was a bit of a c-c-c-c-con man,
Tories thought that he should go-o-o,
They withdrew his political functions,
Now he has no portfolio.
Mike Portillo, was abrasive as Brillo,
And his head looked like a pad;
So they gave him political functions,
Now he’s Peter Lilley’s lad.

CHORUS 3

We-ee-ee-‘re, sick, we’re sick, we’re sick,
Of Lilley the prick, the prick, the prick,
He’s buggered up the DSS;
He’s retracting our benefit payments,
Now Britain’s welfare state’s a meeeeeeessssssss.

Here is Lily the Pink by the Scaffold, with their lyrics on show.

Eton, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 November 1995

Prince Charles and Princess Diana chose to send Prince William to Eton. I chose to write this lyric.

I don’t recall it being used, but it is a quicky and my memory ain’t what it was.

Postscript: my 26 November 1995 submission letter shows this one having been used for 4-6 weeks previously, so I must have slightly tweaked the lyric then but it had been used. My cata-log shows me completing this lyric originally 19 September 1995. So there.

ETON
(To the Tune of “Beat It”)

VERSE 1

WILLIE: They tell me that I am as thick as pig shit,
Don’t ever go to Eton cos you’ll never fit;
But every boy round here is an upper class twit,
At Eton, at Eton.

WILLIE: You see the truth is no-one cares if you’re daft,
As long as you don’t mind the cannings and the graft,
And learn to shake your pals very warmly by the shaft,
At Eton, I just want to be bad

CHORUS 1

WILLIE: At Eton,
CHARLES:: Eton,
DIANA: Eton,
CHARLES: Eton,
DIANA: Rugger and fags and beatin’;
CHARLES: They’ll whip your buttocks raw to the bone,
But Eton’s more genteel than Gordonstone,

OUTRO

(Willie is being caned by Charles and Diana during the outro)

DIANA: That’s Eton
WILLIE: Oooohhhh
CHARLES: Eton
WILLIE: Oooohhhh
DIANA: Eton
WILLIE: Oooohhhh
C & D: Eton Eton
WILLIE: Oooohhhh.

Just in case you cannot remember Beat It by MIchael Jackson…or simply want to hear the song and read the lyrics…here’s Michael:

 

The Pill Is Safe, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 November 1995

I don’t recall this one being used, but I think it was good enough. One of those perennial scares about health.

THE PILL IS SAFE
(To the Tune of “Chantilly Lace”)

INTRO

Hello, you third generation pill, you.

VERSE 1

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, a doctors’ row coming on;
We hang ’em when they moan, and hang ’em when they don’t,
It always makes the autumn fun;
There ain’t nothing in the world like frightened girl,
Who’s going apoplectic ’bout her contraceptives,
Alternate truths in the survey proofs, but, oh baby they’ll get research funds.

MIDDLE EIGHT

CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh); etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’s that?……you might get thrombosis?…..you sure that ain’t neurosis?…….but…but……but baby you dooooooon’t have much choice.

VERSE 2

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, medical evidence;
They prove it makes you clot, then prove that it does not,
And Stephen Dorrell’s on the fence fence fence;
There ain’t nothing in this scare of which we weren’t aware,
But now the whole of London’s using caps and condoms;
Or making use of just the dates and mucus, oh baby I got rhythm style.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh) etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’ja’say?? You’ve yet to menstruate?? And think you’re late…..but.you know I’ve got no money honey and baby you knoooooooooww I hate kids.

VERSE 3

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, scare the girls to the bones;
They’re phoning the helplines ten or twenty times,
And this hotline’s not for cones,
There ain’t nothing ’bout the pill that’s going to make you ill,
Apart from high blood pressure and the risk of cancer,
I feel no use but it’s up to you ‘cos,
This problem is the woman’s blight!!!! (CHORUS: Typical male!!!!).`

Here is the Big Bopper’s version of Chantilly Lace:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MfkvdlBz62k

I updated the lyric 22 April 1996:

THE PILL IS SAFE – 1996 REMIX
(To the Tune of “Chantilly Lace”)

INTRO

Hello, you third generation pill, you.

VERSE 1

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, a doctors’ row we all see;
We hang ’em when they moan, and hang ’em when they don’t,
Just like we did with BSE;
There ain’t nothing in the world like frightened girl,
Who’s going apoplectic ’bout her contraceptives,
Alternate truths in the survey proofs, but, oh baby they’ll get research funds.

MIDDLE EIGHT

CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh); etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’s that?……you might get thrombosis?…..you sure that ain’t neurosis?…….but…but……but baby you dooooooon’t have much choice.

VERSE 2

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, medical evidence;
They prove it makes you clot, then prove that it does not,
And Stephen Dorrell’s on the fence fence fence;
There ain’t nothing in this scare of which we weren’t aware,
But now there’s less precaution and there’s more abortion;
Or making use of just the dates and mucus, oh baby I got rhythm style.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

CHORUS: The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh),
The pill is safe (ah-huh), the pill ain’t safe (ah-huh) etc.
(Meanwhile, the lead singer says) What’ja’say?? You’ve yet to menstruate?? And think you’re late…..but.you know I’ve got no money honey and baby you knoooooooooww I hate kids.

VERSE 3

The pill is safe, no it ain’t, scare the girls to the bones;
They’re phoning the helplines ten or twenty times,
And this hotline’s not for cones,
There ain’t nothing ’bout the pill that’s going to make you ill,
Apart from high blood pressure and the risk of cancer,
I feel no use but it’s up to you ‘cos,
This problem is the woman’s blight!!!! (CHORUS: Typical male!!!!).`

Letter To Fraser and Jez, NewsRevue, 20 October 1995

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
OCTOBER to NOVEMBER 1995 RUN

Dear Fraser & Jez

Welcome!! It was good to meet you last night. I really did think the show was the best opening night I had seen for ages, despite the lack of my songs. I feel really badly that you got no starter pack from me last week but no-one told me you were due to start – the last run only had 5 weeks and normally the runs have six. This starter pack consists of all previously unperformed songs.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

Keep it up and I look forward to seeing you soon.

Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape Aprox. No. of weeks performed

7+ 4-6 1-3 New

side 1

louis farrakhan-can/orpheus in the underworld / offenbach New

william shakespeare’s ragtime show/alexander’s ragtime band / bessie smith New

star spangled old school tie/star spangled banner / some awful troupe New

handing over hong kong/rama lama ding dong / rocky sharpe and the replays New

rip it off/roll with it / oasis New

greenpeace/greensleeves/NO RECORDING – SORRY New

Louis Farrakhan-Can, NewsRevue Lyric, 20 October 1995

Louis Farrakhan, somewhat controversially, visited the UK in the autumn of 1995.

I wrote a song and dance to accompany this news story. Several performers told me that it was extremely challenging to perform. But perform it they did and it was truly wonderful to see. Far better as a spectacle than as a piece of writing, but sadly only the writing survives.

Still, the writing, along with your imagination, should be good enough; this is one of my best comedy pieces, in my humble opinion.

LOUIS FARRAKHAN-CAN
(To the Tune of “The Can-Can”)

VERSE 1

Mr Louis Farrakhan is from The Nation of Islam,
He’s not calm, sounds alarm and cannot be described as charming;
Permanently angry and his standards set you up to fail,
Lest you are by chance a Muslim who is straight and black and male.

What a bigot, (that remark is not PC),
He’s a fat git (not his fault that he’s portly);
What’s a faggot? (ball of meat in rich gravy),
He does rabbit on and on and on and on and on and on and on and onnnnnnnnnnnnn….

CHORUS 1

(That damned) Louis Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan, (he is a loony)
Farrakhan, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan, that’s Farrakhan;
(He’s) non-Jewish and intensely shrewish with invective poo-ish as a pan (that’s full of sewage)
He’s the man, Louis Farrakhan-can, who is one to ban-ban soon, or else he’ll slander you.

VERSE 2

Mr Louis Farrakhan his gob is totally massive,
He makes Ian Paisley come across as calm and wholly passive
Rants and raves excessively, he don’t like homosexuals,
Sensual fe-ma-les, liberals, Israel’s, sensible victuals, Papal bulls, all he ever talks is ballssss…..
CHORUS 2

(That damned) Louis Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan, (he is a loony)
Farrakhan, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan-can, loony Farrakhan;

OUTRO COMMENCES

He is a loony and his name is Farrakhan,
These lines repeat but do not always seem to scan.
So let us rant and rave excessively like Louis Farrakhan,
And pack as many words per second as the human larynx can.

CODA

His name is Louis Farrakhan, he is a loony Farrakhan;
Thank God, it’s the coda
Cos he is, he is THE END!!!!!!!

The video below (with far more people than NewsRevue’s cast of four) will give you some idea about the tune (the main theme and coda) and some of the choreography involved. I recall one NewsRevue cast forming some sort of a human pyramid…

The following French TV version, which you can see on YouTube – click here – has some of the more extreme dance moves.

William Shakespeare’s Ragtime Show, NewsRevue Lyric, 10 October 1995

I’m not too sure what this lyric was about – presumably some sort of jazz fundraiser for the nascent Globe back then. Hardly big news and I don’t think this lyric made the NewsRevue show.

Shame really, it has some good lines. I might try to revive it as a performance piece of my own for my baroq-ulele.

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE’S RAGTIME SHOW
(To the Tune of “Alexander’s Ragtime Band”)
VERSE 1

Come on and see, come on and see,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show;
Come on and see, come on and see,
It’s the best show in the Globe.

You can corpse at comedy or you’ll learn from history,
Close the play with carnage if the show’s a tragedy;
This card’s the best bard by a yard, at least that far.

Come on along, come on along,
As You Like It, Much Ado;
Come on along, come on along,
Henry Four Parts One and Two;
And if you wanna see that Julius Caesar play set rag style,
Come on and see, come on and see,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show.

VERSE 2

Come on and see, come on and see,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show,
Come on and hear, come on and hear,
Sing a rag hey nonny no.

With a funny sense of rhyme, called iambic pantomime,
Make heroic speeches then go murder eight or nine,
This show is so Tarantino meets Sarajevo;

Come on along, come on along,
Mix up twins then all marry,
Come on along, come on along,
Play a jazz soliloquy;
And if you want to hear “Hey Nonny Nonny” syncopated,

OUTRO

Come on and hear, come on and hear,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime,
Little boys in drag time,
William Shakespeare’s ragtime show.

Here’s a YouTube of Louis Armstrong singing Alexander’s Ragtime Band:

…and here’s a link to those Alexander lyrics too.