Category: Writing (my writing)

White House, NewsRevue Lyric, 8 November 1992

Bill Clinton was elected President and I felt motivated to write about it straight away for NewsRevue. This lyric did very well in the show; but not until early the following year when Mark Bowden and his troupe used it, when the Clinton’s actually entered the White House.

Writing exactly 25 years later, it is an interesting reminder that most of us weren’t too sure about Bill Clinton at the very start, although what would we give to have someone of his stature, albeit flawed, in the White House today…

…his wife, for example?

I didn’t know how to spell “Hillary” back then but I’ll cut and paste the lyric as I wrote it.

The writing log says 8 November 1992 but the electronic file reads 20 November, so I must have tweaked slightly – perhaps in response to it not being used immediately. 

One slight regret about this lyric is that it has rather messed up my perception of “Our House” by Crosby Stills Nash and Young. It is a simply superb song (enjoy the link below whether you know the song or not), but for a quarter of a century now, hearing it has relentlessly made Bill and Hillary Clinton pop into my head.

WHITE HOUSE

(A song for Bill and Hilary Clinton to the Tune of “Our House”)

 

VERSE 1

HILARY:I’ll light the fire, you use the powers,

As the Governor of State;

BILL:Sittin’ by the fire, with Gennifer Flowers,

While the wife’s out working,

She’ll be earning,

Ten times more than me, ee, ee,

All legally, ee, ee.

 

VERSE 2

HILARY:Deep in the South {BILL:Deep in the South}

With gravy, grits and gingham dresses,

God, Guns, Geeks and Goops;

BILL:Joint in my mouth,{HILARY:Joint in his mouth}

I smoke my spliff without inhaling,

Voters bought it,

They must be e-ven more stoned than me, ee, ee,

Ill-legally, ee, ee;

 

CHORUS 1

BOTH:Our house, is a very very very fine house,

Electric chairs will shock,

In down town Little Rock,

We rednecks kicked the shit out of George Bush;

We say, (cocking a snook)

Na, na, nananana, nananana, nanana nanana, nanananananananana,

(OptionalNa, na, nananana, nananana, nanana nanana, nanananananananana);

 

CHORUS 2

BOTH:The White House, is a very very very fine house,

White marble on the floor,

This sure beats Arkansas,

Though everything is hicky since George Bush….

….moved out;

 

VERSE 3

HILARY:I’ll light the fire,

BILL:While I wear the pointed hat,

And sheets that we bought to-day-ay-ay-ay-ay.

If you click through this link – here – you can also read the lyrics…or just watch by clicking below:

I GATT Round, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 October 1992

I don’t suppose the Uruguay Round of the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade (GATT) was the funniest topical subject in late 1992, unless you happened to be an economist.

Seems a bit topical again now at the time of writing (December 2016) with protectionism hoving back into political view.

Evidence shows that this one wasn’t used before Christmas 1992 and I doubt if it was used afterwards either, although I can see I submitted it in the January 1993 Bowden submission and there is evidence that I tweaked the text in February 1993.

 

This isn’t really a funny enough song, I’ll be frank. Although the following line made me smile:

“My buddies and me we’re not at all well known, But the IMF know us so they give us a loan.”

Here’s the whole lyric:

♬ I GATT ROUND ♬

(To the Tune of “I Get Around”)

 

INTRO

Round, round, Gatt round, Uruguay round,

Round, round, Gatt round, Uruguay round.

 

We Gatt round,{Round, round, Gatt round, Uruguay round,

We have found,Round, round, Gatt round, Uruguay round,

That we are bound,Round, round, Gatt round, Uruguay round,

To make contentious sound.Round, round, Gatt round, Uruguay round.}

 

VERSE 1

We’re getting bugged trying to subsidise your oil seed crops,

We’re goanna stick a huge tariff on your goods in our shops.

 

My buddies and me we’re not at all well known,

But the IMF know us so they give us a loan.

 

CHORUS

We Gatt round,{Round, round, Gatt round, Uruguay round,

We’ll astound,Round, round, Gatt round, Uruguay round,

When we propound,Round, round, Gatt round, Uruguay round,

That quotas still abound.Round, round, Gatt round, Uruguay round.}

 

We Gatt round round round round round round round,

Wupwah-ooh, wupwah-ooh, wupwah-ooh-ooh.

 

VERSE 2

The West spends a fortune hoarding crops and meat,

While the Third World countries have got nothing to eat.

 

We’ve been talking for years but we can never agree,

So we’re goanna fuck up the world economy.

 

We loathe Leon Brittan and hate Jacques Delors,

So we’re goanna fall out and have a global trade war.

 

We Gatt round,{Round, round, Gatt round, Uruguay round,

It’s renowned,Round, round, Gatt round, Uruguay round,

That we shall impound,Round, round, Gatt round, Uruguay round,

Any goods we’ve found.Round, round, Gatt round, Uruguay round.}

 

We Gatt round, Gatt round round round round round.

Click here or below for a link to the Beach Boys song, I Get Around, upon which the lyric is based.

Janie Visits NewsRevue For The First Time Along With Kim & Micky, Canal Cafe Theatre, 22 October 1992, Plus Relics & Questions From The Next NewsRevue Run

Janie’s diary for that evening reads:

6.30 Kim & Micky 8.00 Canal Cafe Theatre 9.15 Review [sic]

Bridge House Pub, Delaware Terrace…

…etc.

Mine just reads:

Canal Cafe

I have more than a sneaking suspicion that Janie, Kim & Micky turned up with a view to surprising me that evening. I’m pretty sure I’d have written more in the diary otherwise. I also do not recall missing out on the writers’ meeting to be with those three, although I do recall us sitting together to watch the show.

The running order from that week is missing, presumed dead, sadly.

But I do, strangely, have the running order and writers’ list from the following week:

I say “strangely” because I wasn’t at the Canal Cafe the following week (Janie and I were in Stratford), nor indeed for the next few weeks, with a mixture of work and Janie commitments. But some kind person saved the running order and writers’ sheet for me.

Why?

Because that late October to early December 1992 run was “peak Harris” in the material use department. Eight of my songs on one show. Too many, frankly.

Whose handwriting is that renaming the show after me?

When Janie, Kim & Micky came to the show, I think there were probably only three or four of mine in the show. I say “only”, I considered three or four pieces to be a good return. I’m guessing:

I especially remember Kim latching on to the Kate Adie one – she still (27 years later) teases me with the opening line of it sometimes.

The irony of the following run, which was “peak Harris” material-wise and also “peak Harris” other commitments-wise is not wasted on me. Looking through my diary, I could only have got to see that run once, in late November, hot-footing it from a works team evening in the City, probably just to see the show.

The Director was Michael Eriera who was clearly not offended by my absence, as he and his team used a lot of my material the next time he directed, in mid 1993. I was a better attendee thee next time around for Michael.

But the $64M questions are:

  • who was the kind person who saved the 29/30 October 1992 papers for me in my absence?
  • who was the mischievous person who renamed the show on the writers’ sheet?

Nude For Thought, NewsRevue Lyric, 17 October 1992

I don’t think this one about Madonna was ever used. Certainly it forms part of the Bowden submission of January 1993 and was unused before then.

I don’t think it is a great lyric for a NewsRevue performance, although it does have its moments as a read.

Strange to think that, at the time of writing (December 2016) Madonna is still hanging around and UB40 are doing a comeback tour.

 

 

♬ NUDE FOR THOUGHT ♬

(To the Tune of “Food for Thought”)

CHORUS 1

I can see Madonna,

Posing in the nude,

She’s got nothing onna,

And some bits are quite rude.

 

VERSE 1

Customs at the airport,

They have seized her book,

While they file their report,

They’ll have a closer look.

 

VERSE 2

Look at nuns in custard,

See her with a sheep,

And I see she’s mustered,

A costume like Bo-Peep.

 

VERSE 3

Rude things with a candle,

Having oral sex,

Now she has her hands full,

Of fat enormous cheques.

 

CHORUS 2

I can see Madonna,

Standing in the buff,

I shall be a gonna,

If my wife sees this stuff.

 

I can see Madonna,

Posing in the raw,

She is not a stunna,

What did I buy this for?

Click here or below for a link to Food For Thought by UB40 with the original lyrics.

Coal Digger, NewsRevue Lyric, 17 October 1992

This was a very successful number, which ran for many weeks in many runs of NewsRevue, including the Christmas run I’m pretty sure and then the Bowden run in early 1993. 

It’s a belter, with potential for enough business to keep the audience laughing as well as thinking.

 

♬ COAL DIGGER ♬

(To the Tune of “Goldfinger” with an acapella horn section)

VERSES 1 & 2

Coal diggers,{ba ba ba}

Fear the man,

The man with the miners touch,

A minus touch.

 

Such,

A cold figure,{ba ba ba}

31,

John Major’s no friend of mine,

Nor’s Hestletine.

 

MIDDLE BIT 1

British Coal had a dose of the shits,

So decided to close half the pits,

And the miners all know they’ve been pissed on,

Cos the mining in-dustry’s gone.

 

VERSE 3

Dole figures,{ba ba ba}

Like the men,

Who live in a mining town,

Just won’t go down.

 

MIDDLE BIT 2

All the bosses in power are crass,

Cos they think that they need only gas,

So the miners are once again shafted,

By that coal black hearted bastard.

 

VERSE 4

John Major,{ba ba ba}

Hope he finds,

That trying to shut down coal,

Was an own goal.

 

copyright © Ian Harris 1992

Click here or below for a karaoke version of Goldfinger with the original lyrics on the screen.

 

Closed To You, NewsRevue Lyric, 10 October 1992

This was a very successful song in NewsRevue. Not a laugh out loud song at all, but a biting/make you think lyric and room for some business.

“Care in the community” was one of that Major Government’s big things. Not much changes (he says, writing in December 2016).

The song ran for several runs towards the end of 1992 and was part of the early 1993 Bowden submission, although I’m not sure Mark used it.

 

♬ CLOSED TO YOU ♬

(To the Tune of “Close To You”)

(A vagrant wanders the stage, very scruffy, perhaps rummaging in bins, perhaps talking to himself incessantly, perhaps both.  The singer and chorus are clearly disturbed by him and hurry out of his way to take their positions.)

 

VERSES 1 & 2

Why do flies suddenly appear, every time you are near?

Just like fleas, they long to be, close to you.

 

Passers by all avert their eyes, with the fear that implies,

Traversees, don’t want to be, close to you.

 

MIDDLE BIT 1

Everyone who sees the poor believes it’s not their problem,

And the homeless ought to find a job to do,

So they hose the vagrants off the streets,

And hope they bugger off to Waterloo.

 

VERSE 3

That is why all the cops in town, wish that you weren’t around,

{cops in town….wish that you weren’t around}

Endlessly society’s closed to you.

 

INSTRUMENTAL

(During the instrumental the tramp dances with an inanimate object – e.g. a traffic cone – and talks gently to it – e.g. “Good evening, my dear.  Do you come here often.  The hyacinths are particularly beautiful this year.  Would you care for another glass of sherry?”)

 

MIDDLE BIT 2

When the Tories came to power, accountants got together,

And decided they could save a bob or two.

So they closed the residential homes,

Those Tories are more lunatic than you.

 

VERSE 4

That is why cranks roam round the town, since their homes were shut down,

{cranks roam town….since their homes were shut down}

Care in the community’s closed to you.

Care in the community’s closed to you.

 

(Either end it there, or dance off going “Waaahhh, closed to you”)

 

copyright © Ian Harris 1992

 

Click here or below for a link to Close To You by The Carpenters with lyrics on the screen.

 

As Time Goes By or They Flew From Tuscany, NewsRevue Sketch and Medley, 10 October 1992

This was the version of this sketch/medley that was actually used. It is much better than the original version – click here for that – but the original version is interesting because I wrote it before Black Wednesday.

Pearls before swine, my economic predictions, pearls before swine.

Anyway, this post crisis version is funnier. There is an in-between version written a week or so  before – click here – I’m guessing that the director suggested improvements, e.g. switching Gini Bottomley out and Lady Thatcher in, which did make for a funnier sketch.

The early evening show at the Canal Cafe at that time was called “As Time Goes By” – some sort of musical retrospective of 1940s material, which made this sketch/medley especially fitting.

AS TIME GOES BY – NEW IMPROVED VERSION

or THEY FLEW FROM TUSCANY (A Sketch and Medley of Sterling 1940’s Songs)

 

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

 

John Major (Johnny)

Gillian Shepherd (Jilly)

Lady Thatcher (Maggie)

Norman Lamont (Fartface)

 

THE SKETCH

 

(VOICEOVER:And now, for those of you who missed the early evening show – here is an exert from “As Time Goes By”)

 

(The pianist tinkles away at the Second Movement of Rachmaninov’s Second Piano Concerto – a la Brief Encounter.  The music is adagio sostenuto, the voices are staccato.  Paula Tappenden knows all about it.  We start with just Johnny and Jilly on stage.)

 

JILLY:Johnny.

 

JOHNNY:Jilly.

 

JILLY:Oh Johnny.  What’s happened to the economy?

 

JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving us a bally barney, Jilly.  The pound’s doing terribly.

 

JILLY:What about Yankee Doodle Dandy?

 

JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving Yankee Doodle Dandy a bally barney too, Jilly.  The dollar’s doing awfully.

 

JILLY:Oh Johnny.

 

JOHNNY:Oh Jilly.  What are you doing for the old effort?

 

JILLY:I’m in employment.

 

JOHNNY:Gosh, that is unusual these days.

 

JILLY:In the ministry.  Oh Johnny,  this darned economy’s simply ruining all our lives.  I’m sorry.  I’m acting like a bally fool.

 

(Enter Maggie)

 

MAGGIE:Johnny, the economy’s going horribly.

 

JOHNNY:Terribly.

 

MAGGIE:Awfully.  And what about the Treaty?

 

JOHHNY:(offers her a sweety)  Have a choccy, Maggie.

 

MAGGIE:I mean the Maastricht Treaty.  (Maggie pokes her finger at Johnny’s lapel as she says) Johnny, I’ve warned you before, it is a ruinous straitjacket.

 

JOHNNY:(Brushing his lapel)  I thought it was rather trendy.  I got it on special offer in Marks and Spencer’s.

 

MAGGIE:Oh this is hopeless.  Where’s Normy?

 

JOHNNY:Out there in the treasury battling it out with Gerry.

 

MAGGIE:Oh God, I hope he isn’t going to do something silly.

 

(Enter Normy)

 

JOHNNY:Here he comes now, and I rather think we’re all going to do something silly.

 

JILLY:You don’t mean……

 

NORMY:Yes, we’re all going to sing a medley.

 

FALLING IN ERM

(In the Style of Marlene Dietrich to the tune of “Falling in Love again”)

 

I often stop and wonder, why stripy shirted men,

Financial markets plunder, sell pounds and buy yen.

We offer them low taxes, but still those city sharks,

With mobile phones and faxes, dump pounds for Deutchmarks.

 

Falling in ERM,

Sterling’s down the drain,

Valueless again,

So don’t hold it.

 

Falling in ERM,

Sterling is the pits,

Norman’s got the shits,

And can’t help us.

 

DON’T FUCK UP THE ECONOMY

(To the tune of “Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree”)

 

Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,

Anyone else but me, anyone else but me (no, no no);

Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,

We’re screwed financially.

 

We’ve devalued the currency with countries like Germany,

We’ll struggle internally, from now till eternity (no no no);

We’ve devalued the currency to purchasing parity,

With Spain and Italy.

 

WE’LL ERM

To the tune of “We’ll Meet Again”)

 

We’ll ERM don’t know why don’t know when,

But I know we’ll ERM our money pay.

Make Sterling true to the Mark and ECU,

Till the interest rate is ten percent a day.

 

Now we are not in at all,

But the pounds in free fall,

While the Deutchmark’s still strong;

And though Sterling’s now small,

Some of us still recall,

When we used to belong.

 

We’ll ERM don’t know why don’t know when,

It’ll cost us fourteen billion a day.

The above material was used quite a lot, not least the “Don’t Fuck Up The Economy” snippet which found its way into other medleys and even was sandwiched in a Ben Murphy medley in 1993 – I take no credit, nor demerits, for Ben’s other bits:

Here is a link to Marlene Dietrich singing “Falling In Love Again”…

…and below a link to the Andrews Sisters singing “Don’t Sit Under The Apple Tree”…

…and here’s Dame Vera Lynn singing “We’ll Meet Again”:

Snatchbroker, Snatchbroker, NewsRevue Lyric, 4 October 1992

This song was used in NewsRevue in late 1992 but I don’t think it made the Christmas run nor was it used in the early 1993 Bowden run.

Not my most subtle lyric.

I’m not sure it was especially topical either, other than (presumably) a revival of Fiddler on the Roof was on the go…but then there usually is a revival of that musical on somewhere.

 

♬ SNATCHBROKER SNATCHBROKER ♬

(A Song for Madame and Fresh Tart to the Tune of “Matchmaker Matchmaker”)

(MADAME:There’s no use you working here if you’re fussy, luv.  We have to put up with all sorts.  Accountants, judges, MPs, sports commentators, MPs who are also sports commentators…..)

 

FRESH TART:Snatchbroker, snatchbroker, hire out my snatch,

To men who’ll sleep, in the damp patch,

Snatchbroker, snatchbroker find one who’s clean,

With no germs that I may catch.

 

MADAME:Snatchworker snatchworker I’ll find the match,

Swallow his pride, straight down the hatch,

Snatchworker snatchworker he may well be,

A man who once worked for Thatch.

 

FRESH TART:Oh madame make him a lawyer,

Cos at least then he’ll stick to the rules;

MADAME:But my God the bastard will bore yer,

Cos they rarely know how to use their tools.

 

FRESH TART:Snatchbroker snatchbroker find me a man,

Who doesn’t need taking in hand;

MADAME:Fresh Tart, there’s one thing you must understand,

There’s not even one, in the land.

 

MADAME:Accountants won’t please you, cos they like to work in teams,

They take double entry to logical extremes,

But always pay the right money, true? true;

Try a politician, I may have the man for you,

Was in the cabinet (Aside: in ’62).

It is never easy cash, cos their ego’s hard to stand,

With their speeches and families and early day motions they don’t stay up for long.

 

FRESH TART:Snatchbroker snatchbroker thanks all the same,

I think that I’ll, keep off the game,

I’ll make some cash when I kiss and tell names,

BOTH:So tease your MPs,

No nights of vice,

No sucking toes,

No tax advice,

Until men come up to scratch.

Click here for a link to Matchmaker Matchmaker in the film of Fiddler On The Roof, with lyrics as subtitles. 

 

Midnight Plane To Jordan, NewsRevue Lyric, 3 October 1992

This one was too complicated by half. It would have been very difficult to sing/choreograph. It was a tricky subject (peace talks) and the choice of tune is slow for a comedy song.

I remember trying this out on/with work mates at a BDO Consulting training course. It didn’t go well, although we did have a laugh…at ourselves trying to sing it.

Still I submitted it a few times, including the January 1993 Bowden submission. I’m pretty sure to no avail.

If someone had simply come up with the guts to perform this lyric, I’m pretty sure that peace would have broken out in the Middle East. “Okay, okay, we’ll freeze settlements, we’ll stop terrorising people, just don’t sing us that dirgey song”.

 

♬ MIDNIGHT PLANE TO JORDAN ♬

(To the Tune of “Midnight Train to Georgia”)

VERSE 1

(VOICEOVER:Ladies and Gentlemen, Caesar’s Palace Las Vegas is proud to present, Gladys Flight and the Tips).

 

BA flew too far from Amman {too far from Amman, he couldn’t get there},

So he’s chartered a flight all of his own, oh-oh,

{He said he’s goin’} Said he’s goanna find the man {goanna find the man}

Ohhh-ohhh who runs Jordan land,

That peace talks left behind in the desert sand, oh no.

 

CHORUS 1

He’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan

{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh

Said he’s goin’ out to find {goin’ out to find}

An old King who’ll change his mind,

{Wherever he takes that flight, he’d better go and see that Hashemite}

Peace will be with him {I know it will}

On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}

He’d rather give up his oil {give up his oil}

Than let the peace talks decline {crude oil for peace this is not refined}

 

VERSE 2

He kept dreamin’ {dreamin’} ohhh that soon he would see Hussein

{that’s King Hussein, cos Saddam is insane}

And he’ll ask that Sunni whether he’ll come round soon for Dinar

{cash could make his dreams come true, ah-ha, oh-oh}

He’ll invite al-Assad {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}

And even Yitzhak Rabin {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}

But poor Yassar Arafat, has to take, the other’s scraps,

Oh yes he does, that’s how it is.

 

CHORUS 2

I know he’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan

{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh

Said he’s goin’ out to plan {goin’ out to plan}

A partition of the land

{He had better mediate, else it’s goanna be like ’48}

Peace will be with him {It better had}

On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}

He’ll have to find an accord {find an accord}

Where land is in high demand

(Repeat favourite bits  with ooh-oohs and aah-aahs while dancing off)

copyright © Ian Harris 1992

Click here or below for Gladys Knight and the Pips singing Midnight Train To Georgia with the original lyrics on the screen.

Here’s a revised version of the lyric which I tried again in September 1993:

MIDNIGHT PLANE TO JORDAN – PEACE TALKS VERSION

(To the Tune of “Midnight Train to Georgia”)
 
VERSE 1
 
El Al flew too far from Amman {too far from Amman, he couldn’t get there},
So he’s chartered a flight all of his own, oh-oh,
{I say he’s Warren} Say he’s Warren Christopher {Warren Christopher},
Ohhh-ohhh to see Mustapha,
Who is the guest-of-a, Jordan desert king, oh oh.
 
CHORUS 1
 
He’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan,
{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh
Said he’s goin’ out to find {goin’ out to find}
An old King who’ll change his mind,
{Wherever he takes that flight, he’d better go and see that Hashemite}
Peace will be with him {I know it will}
On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}
He’ll have to give up his oil {give up his oil}
Or let the peace talks decline {crude oil for peace this is not refined}
 
VERSE 2
 
Warren’s dreamin’ {dreamin’} ohhh that soon he will see Hussein
{that’s King Hussein, cos Saddam is insane}
And he’ll ask that Sunni whether he’ll come round soon for Dinar
{cash could make his dreams come true, ah-ha, oh-oh}
He’ll involve al-Assad {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}
And even Yitzhak Rabin {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}
And Hannan Ashwari, and Ya-sser Arafat,
Unless he sends, some other pratt.
 
CHORUS 2
 
Amd they’re all leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan
{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh
They’re all goin’ out to plan {goin’ out to plan}
A partition of the land
{Someone better mediate, else it’s gonna be like ’48}
Peace will be with them {It better had}
On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}
It’s hard to find an accord {find an accord}
Where land is in high demand.

As Time Goes By or They Flew From Tuscany, NewsRevue Sketch and Medley, 2 October 1992

This version of the sketch/medley came between the prophetic pre Black Wednesday original version – click here…

…and the improved version that was eventually used.

This version for completists only – hence published as an aside.

AS TIME GOES BY or THEY FLEW FROM TUSCANY (A Sketch and Medley of Sterling 1940’s Songs)

 

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

 

John Major (Johnny)

Virginia Bottomley (Gini)

Gillian Shepherd (Jilly)

Norman Lamont (Fartface)

 

THE SKETCH

 

(VOICEOVER:And now, for those of you who missed the early evening show – here is an exert from “As Time Goes By”)

 

(The pianist tinkles away at the Second Movement of Rachmaninov’s Second Piano Concerto – a la Brief Encounter.  The music is adagio sostenuto, the voices are staccato.  Paula Tappenden knows all about it.  We start with just Johnny and Gini on stage.)

 

GINI:Johnny.

 

JOHNNY:Gini.

 

GINI:Oh Johnny.  What’s happened to the economy?

 

JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving us a bally barney, Gini.  The pound’s doing terribly.

 

GINI:What about Yankee Doodle Dandy?

 

JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving Yankee Doodle Dandy a bally barney too, Gini.  The dollar’s doing awfully.

 

GINI:Oh Johnny,  this darned economy’s simply ruining all our lives.  I’m sorry.  I’m acting like a bally fool.

 

(Enter Jilly)

 

JILLY:Hello Gini.

 

GINI:Hello Jilly.  Do you know my friend Johnny?

 

JILLY:Hello Johnny.

 

JOHNNY:Hello Jilly.  What do you do for the old effort?

 

JILLY:I’m in employment.

 

JOHNNY:Gosh, that is unusual these days.

 

JILLY:In the ministry.  Gosh, Johnny, economy’s going horribly.

 

JOHNNY:Terribly.

 

JILLY:Awfully.  Where’s Normy?

 

JOHNNY:Out there in the treasury battling it out with Gerry.

 

GINI:Oh God, I hope he isn’t going to do something silly.

 

(Enter Normy)

 

JOHNNY:Here he comes now, and I rather think we’re all going to do something silly.

 

JILLY:You don’t mean……

 

NORMY:Yes, we’re all going to sing a medley.

 

FALLING IN ERM

(In the Style of Marlene Dietrich to the tune of “Falling in Love again”)

 

I often stop and wonder, why stripy shirted men,

Financial markets plunder, sell pounds and buy yen.

We offer them low taxes, but still those city sharks,

With mobile phones and faxes, dump pounds for Deutchmarks.

 

Falling in ERM,

Sterling’s down the drain,

Valueless again,

So don’t hold it.

 

Falling in ERM,

Sterling is the pits,

Norman’s got the shits,

And can’t help us.

 

DON’T FUCK UP THE ECONOMY

(To the tune of “Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree”)

 

Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,

Anyone else but me, anyone else but me (no, no no);

Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,

We’re screwed financially.

 

We’ve devalued the currency with countries like Germany,

We’ll struggle internally, from now till eternity (no no no);

We’ve devalued the currency to purchasing parity,

With Spain and Italy.

 

WE’LL ERM

To the tune of “We’ll Meet Again”)

 

We’ll ERM don’t know why don’t know when,

But I know we’ll ERM our money pay.

Make Sterling true to the Mark and ECU,

Till the interest rate is ten percent a day.

 

Now we are not in at all,

But the pounds in free fall,

While the Deutchmark’s still strong;

And though Sterling’s now small,

Some of us still recall,

When we used to belong.

 

We’ll ERM don’t know why don’t know when,

It’ll cost us fourteen billion a day.