I’m not sure it was especially topical either, other than (presumably) a revival of Fiddler on the Roof was on the go…but then there usually is a revival of that musical on somewhere.
♬ SNATCHBROKER SNATCHBROKER ♬
(A Song for Madame and Fresh Tart to the Tune of “Matchmaker Matchmaker”)
(MADAME:There’s no use you working here if you’re fussy, luv. We have to put up with all sorts. Accountants, judges, MPs, sports commentators, MPs who are also sports commentators…..)
FRESH TART:Snatchbroker, snatchbroker, hire out my snatch,
To men who’ll sleep, in the damp patch,
Snatchbroker, snatchbroker find one who’s clean,
With no germs that I may catch.
MADAME:Snatchworker snatchworker I’ll find the match,
Swallow his pride, straight down the hatch,
Snatchworker snatchworker he may well be,
A man who once worked for Thatch.
FRESH TART:Oh madame make him a lawyer,
Cos at least then he’ll stick to the rules;
MADAME:But my God the bastard will bore yer,
Cos they rarely know how to use their tools.
FRESH TART:Snatchbroker snatchbroker find me a man,
Who doesn’t need taking in hand;
MADAME:Fresh Tart, there’s one thing you must understand,
There’s not even one, in the land.
MADAME:Accountants won’t please you, cos they like to work in teams,
They take double entry to logical extremes,
But always pay the right money, true? true;
Try a politician, I may have the man for you,
Was in the cabinet (Aside: in ’62).
It is never easy cash, cos their ego’s hard to stand,
With their speeches and families and early day motions they don’t stay up for long.
FRESH TART:Snatchbroker snatchbroker thanks all the same,
This one was too complicated by half. It would have been very difficult to sing/choreograph. It was a tricky subject (peace talks) and the choice of tune is slow for a comedy song.
I remember trying this out on/with work mates at a BDO Consulting training course. It didn’t go well, although we did have a laugh…at ourselves trying to sing it.
If someone had simply come up with the guts to perform this lyric, I’m pretty sure that peace would have broken out in the Middle East. “Okay, okay, we’ll freeze settlements, we’ll stop terrorising people, just don’t sing us that dirgey song”.
♬ MIDNIGHT PLANE TO JORDAN ♬
(To the Tune of “Midnight Train to Georgia”)
VERSE 1
(VOICEOVER:Ladies and Gentlemen, Caesar’s Palace Las Vegas is proud to present, Gladys Flight and the Tips).
BA flew too far from Amman {too far from Amman, he couldn’t get there},
So he’s chartered a flight all of his own, oh-oh,
{He said he’s goin’} Said he’s goanna find the man {goanna find the man}
Ohhh-ohhh who runs Jordan land,
That peace talks left behind in the desert sand, oh no.
CHORUS 1
He’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan
{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh
Said he’s goin’ out to find {goin’ out to find}
An old King who’ll change his mind,
{Wherever he takes that flight, he’d better go and see that Hashemite}
Peace will be with him {I know it will}
On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}
He’d rather give up his oil {give up his oil}
Than let the peace talks decline {crude oil for peace this is not refined}
VERSE 2
He kept dreamin’ {dreamin’} ohhh that soon he would see Hussein
{that’s King Hussein, cos Saddam is insane}
And he’ll ask that Sunni whether he’ll come round soon for Dinar
{cash could make his dreams come true, ah-ha, oh-oh}
He’ll invite al-Assad {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}
And even Yitzhak Rabin {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}
But poor Yassar Arafat, has to take, the other’s scraps,
Oh yes he does, that’s how it is.
CHORUS 2
I know he’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan
{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh
Said he’s goin’ out to plan {goin’ out to plan}
A partition of the land
{He had better mediate, else it’s goanna be like ’48}
Peace will be with him {It better had}
On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}
He’ll have to find an accord {find an accord}
Where land is in high demand
(Repeat favourite bits with ooh-oohs and aah-aahs while dancing off)
Here’s a revised version of the lyric which I tried again in September 1993:
MIDNIGHT PLANE TO JORDAN – PEACE TALKS VERSION
(To the Tune of “Midnight Train to Georgia”)
VERSE 1
El Al flew too far from Amman {too far from Amman, he couldn’t get there}, So he’s chartered a flight all of his own, oh-oh, {I say he’s Warren} Say he’s Warren Christopher {Warren Christopher}, Ohhh-ohhh to see Mustapha, Who is the guest-of-a, Jordan desert king, oh oh.
CHORUS 1
He’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan, {Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh Said he’s goin’ out to find {goin’ out to find} An old King who’ll change his mind, {Wherever he takes that flight, he’d better go and see that Hashemite} Peace will be with him {I know it will} On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong} He’ll have to give up his oil {give up his oil} Or let the peace talks decline {crude oil for peace this is not refined}
VERSE 2
Warren’s dreamin’ {dreamin’} ohhh that soon he will see Hussein {that’s King Hussein, cos Saddam is insane} And he’ll ask that Sunni whether he’ll come round soon for Dinar {cash could make his dreams come true, ah-ha, oh-oh} He’ll involve al-Assad {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh} And even Yitzhak Rabin {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh} And Hannan Ashwari, and Ya-sser Arafat, Unless he sends, some other pratt.
CHORUS 2
Amd they’re all leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan {Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh They’re all goin’ out to plan {goin’ out to plan} A partition of the land {Someone better mediate, else it’s gonna be like ’48} Peace will be with them {It better had} On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong} It’s hard to find an accord {find an accord} Where land is in high demand.
This version for completists only – hence published as an aside.
AS TIME GOES BY or THEY FLEW FROM TUSCANY(A Sketch and Medley of Sterling 1940’s Songs)
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
John Major (Johnny)
Virginia Bottomley (Gini)
Gillian Shepherd (Jilly)
Norman Lamont (Fartface)
THE SKETCH
(VOICEOVER:And now, for those of you who missed the early evening show – here is an exert from “As Time Goes By”)
(The pianist tinkles away at the Second Movement of Rachmaninov’s Second Piano Concerto – a la Brief Encounter. The music is adagio sostenuto, the voices are staccato. Paula Tappenden knows all about it. We start with just Johnny and Gini on stage.)
GINI:Johnny.
JOHNNY:Gini.
GINI:Oh Johnny. What’s happened to the economy?
JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving us a bally barney, Gini. The pound’s doing terribly.
GINI:What about Yankee Doodle Dandy?
JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving Yankee Doodle Dandy a bally barney too, Gini. The dollar’s doing awfully.
GINI:Oh Johnny, this darned economy’s simply ruining all our lives. I’m sorry. I’m acting like a bally fool.
(Enter Jilly)
JILLY:Hello Gini.
GINI:Hello Jilly. Do you know my friend Johnny?
JILLY:Hello Johnny.
JOHNNY:Hello Jilly. What do you do for the old effort?
JILLY:I’m in employment.
JOHNNY:Gosh, that is unusual these days.
JILLY:In the ministry. Gosh, Johnny, economy’s going horribly.
JOHNNY:Terribly.
JILLY:Awfully. Where’s Normy?
JOHNNY:Out there in the treasury battling it out with Gerry.
GINI:Oh God, I hope he isn’t going to do something silly.
(Enter Normy)
JOHNNY:Here he comes now, and I rather think we’re all going to do something silly.
JILLY:You don’t mean……
NORMY:Yes, we’re all going to sing a medley.
FALLING IN ERM
(In the Style of Marlene Dietrich to the tune of “Falling in Love again”)
I often stop and wonder, why stripy shirted men,
Financial markets plunder, sell pounds and buy yen.
We offer them low taxes, but still those city sharks,
With mobile phones and faxes, dump pounds for Deutchmarks.
Falling in ERM,
Sterling’s down the drain,
Valueless again,
So don’t hold it.
Falling in ERM,
Sterling is the pits,
Norman’s got the shits,
And can’t help us.
DON’T FUCK UP THE ECONOMY
(To the tune of “Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree”)
Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,
Anyone else but me, anyone else but me (no, no no);
Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,
We’re screwed financially.
We’ve devalued the currency with countries like Germany,
We’ll struggle internally, from now till eternity (no no no);
Twenty five years ago to the day (as I write) the EU was problematic for many of its members. Denmark had voted no to the Maastricht Treaty. France had voted yes by a whisker. The pound had bundled out of the exchange rate mechanism the week before and the French Franc looked vulnerable.
More importantly (from my point of view), I wrote this little “pseudo-reminiscence piece” for NewsRevue,which ran for a good few weeks:
WE’RE A MEMBER AS WELL
(A Duet to the Tune of “I Remember it Well”)
(HIM:I can remember 1992 as if it were yesterday;
Le Maastricht treaty, les trucker strikes, la political infighting, le virtual collapse of the French Franc……..)
VERSE 1
HIM:I voted oui,HER:You voted non,
HER:To set us free,From Mitterand;
HIM:Ah yes, I remember it well.
HIM:You voted non,HER:I voted oui,
HER:To harmonise,The EEC;
HIM:Ah yes, we’re a member as well.
HIM:French truckers blocked the rails,
HER:And they blocked the road,
HIM:Francois Mitterand had to dump his load;
HER:I am so glad that he said “non” to that old bag Edith Cresson,
HIM:Ah yes, I remember her well.
MIDDLE BIT
HIM:How often I’ve thought of that Sunday night,
When France agreed to put up with Maastricht;
But several days later we caught a fright,
When we learned that the Franc is now worth…..
HER:…..nicht.
VERSE 2
HIM:The Franc went up,HER:The Franc went down,
HER:You bought the Mark,And sold the pound;
HIM:Ah yes, I remember it well.
HIM:We had to plead,HER:With begging bowl,
HER:The Bundesbank,And Helmut Kohl;
HIM:Francois tasted his member as well.
HIM:It’s a partnership,HER:One man’s in control,
HIM:Francois Mitterand?HER:Uh, uh, Helmut Kohl.
HER:You’re back in bed with Germany,
Just like Petain in 43,
HIM:Ah yes, this surrender is hell.
Here is a vid of Maurice Chevalier and Hermione Gingold singing “I Remember IT Well” from the film Gigi:
The 1992 US Presidential Election provided a rich source of material for satirists.
Bill Clinton’s flaws as a candidate and an individual were well known before the election. It all feels a bit familiar writing 25 years later, except not quite so awful as the Trump election last year and the prevailing shower in its aftermath.
Anyway, this lyric did well in NewsRevue, running for many weeks over that election period.
I recall one duo reprising the first line through gritted teeth as an additional last line – excellent idea:
SNOWBUSH
(A Duet for Bill and Hilary Clinton to the Tune of “Snowbird”)
VERSE 1 – BILL AND HILARY GAZE LOVINGLY INTO EACH OTHERS EYES
We Clintons live in harmony and sing,
While George and Barbara Bush have both mislaid the vision thing;
George sells war planes to Saudi Araby,
But still the dollar falls deep in our slump economy.
CHORUS 1 – GOSH, BILL AND HILARY MUST REALLY LOVE ONE ANOTHER
Dump your running mate or you will fail,
Cos we’ve got beefy Albert Gore and George Bush has Dan Quayle;
When George says “no more taxes” it’s untrue,
Cos if he could we know that he would try to raise a few.
VERSE 2 – SOME FRICTION MAY BE CREEPING IN TO THE SONG
BILL:Old George believes abortion is a sin,
And no-one’s homosexual in his 4,000 kin;
HILARY:But George and Bill’s morality concur,
When they both take a shine to chicks who are named Jennifer.
CHORUS 2 – HILARY SINGS ALONE
(While Hilary sings the final chorus, Bill slopes off into the audience to chat up any pretty females he can find there)
Girls like men with presidential powers,
But Bill don’t send me Gennifer when I ask for some flowers;
The man that I’m supporting is untrue,
And if he could I know that he would try a casual screw;
Yes, if he could I know that he would try-ay-ay-ay-ay a casual screw.
In October 1996 I wrote an update of this lyric, re-titled “Snowbill”:
SNOWBILL 1996 ELECTION REMIX
(To the Tune of “Snowbird”)
VERSE 1 – BILL AND HILARY GAZE LOVINGLY INTO EACH OTHERS EYES
BOTH We Clintons live in harmony and sing,
While Bob Dole cannot raise a vote and sure can’t raise his ding;
HILARY: We’re gonna get elected one more term,
BILL: Which gives me four more years to jog around and dump my sperm.
CHORUS 1 – GOSH, BILL AND HILARY MUST REALLY LOVE ONE ANOTHER
Spread your tidy lead and grow apace,
Bob Dole and Ross Perot are nowhere in this one horse race;
Republicans have near thrown in the towel,
Cos if they could you know that they’d have run with Colin Powell.
VERSE 2 – SOME FRICTION MAY BE CREEPING IN TO THE SONG
BILL: Bob Dole has many accidents and falls,
HILARY: At least the voters know that he don’t play much with his balls;
BILL: We all can make mistakes, just see our daughter,
HILARY: And please don’t ask to much about our profits from Whitewater.
CHORUS 2 – HILARY SINGS ALONE
(While Hilary sings the final chorus, Bill slopes off into the audience to chat up any pretty females he can find there)
Spread your tidy lead and stuff Bob Dole,
And try to keep your golf balls out of eighteen different holes;
The man that I’m supporting is untrue,
And if he could I know that he would try a casual screw;
Yes, if he could I know that he would try-ay-ay-ay-ay a casual screw.
[BOTH: (with irony) We Clintons live in harmony and sing]
Below is a YouTube link to Anne Murray singing Snowbird, with the lyrics on the video screen along with some sweet pictures of birds…the flighted variety:
This is not one of my greatest lyrics but it is 25 years old on the day I am writing this Ogblog piece.
I wrote the lyric in response to some banking cartel activity (allegedly) long since forgotten, upping bank charges for everyone.
Actually, rereading mine yesterday reminded me of one of Ivan Shakespeare’s great lyrics, written not long after. The opening line of Ivan’s piece:
Sometimes it’s hard to be a new man…
…building to the cracking initial chorus line/title…
Stand by your flan…
Mine seems pale in comparison, but here it is:
STAND BY YOUR BANK
(To the Tune of “Stand by Your Man”)
VERSES – PAUPER
(Perhaps the chorus, offstage during the verses, could harmonise by making “slide guitar wowing sounds” during the verses. The pauper should probably be “music hall cockney”)
This lyric is also one of three pieces I wrote in a burst of creativity over the Bank Holiday weekend of 1992 after my first date with Janie – “had Janie become my muse so swiftly?”, I muse – the other two being:
So to the matter at hand; the lyric, Kate Adie. Kate Adie was one of my more successful NewsRevue lyrics. Kim insists that it is her favourite of all of them.
Yet, in truth, I don’t think it is a very good lyric.
It is a bit like a deceptive cup of coffee – it smells superb at the very first instant, then the rest cannot possibly meet the expectations set by the wicked first sniff.
Proof of this, should you need it, is that Ben Murphy in effect only recorded the opening line:
Still, the piece ran and ran in the show; there was room for some good business, I suppose. It went to Edinburgh in 1993 and was used as a flagship piece when the cast performed some material on a TV show, Wire TV. Enough of my thoughts on it, dear readers, you judge for yourselves. The broadcast recording starts at 7’45” in the YouTube below:
https://youtu.be/zvNXwyzSHG0
KATE ADIE
(For Timid BBC Producer and Kate Adie to the Tune of “Dream Lover”)
(You’ll have to supply most backing oooh-ooohs and yeh-yehs yourselves)
VERSE 1 – BBC PRODUCER
Every night I hope and pray,
That Kate Adie gets blown away;
Though at the Beeb I’m her boss,
I run and hide when she gets cross.
I’d like to watch {yeh-yeh yeh} her {yeh-yeh yeh} sweat {yeh-yeh yeh} with fear,
I’m sending Kate Adie to cover every war this year.
VERSE 2 – STILL THE BBC PRODUCER
Kate Adie where are you,
In Sarajevo or Mogadishu?
Although the air’s diffuse with lead,
The shrapnel bounces off your head.
Where Martin Bell {yeh-yeh yeh} fell {yeh-yeh yeh} she’s {yeh-yeh yeh} swell,
I think that Kate Adie could happily report from hell.
MIDDLE BIT – KATE ADIE
Some day I don’t know how,
I shall give up stringing,
I’ll be a Movie star,
Both dancing and singing.
(Kate demonstrates her hidden talents throughout he rest of the song)
VERSE 3 – KATE ADIE
Kate Adie until then,
I’ll scare the shit out of my men;
Although I’m soft underneath,
I’ll catch hand grenades with my teeth.
And I shall put {yeh-yeh yeh} on {yeh-yeh yeh} a brave {yeh-yeh yeh} show,
Yes this is Kate Adie BBC News Sarajevo.
Here is Dream Lover by Bobby Darin with lyrics on the screen:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_urVDCrf5A
For the completists amongst you/us, here is version two of the song tweaked for Christmas 1992:
KATE ADIE – VERSION 2
(For Timid BBC Producer and Kate Adie to the Tune of “Dream Lover”)
(You’ll have to supply most backing oooh-ooohs and yeh-yehs yourselves)
VERSE 1
Every night I hope and pray,
That Kate Adie gets blown away;
‘though at the Beeb I’m her boss,
I run and hide when she gets cross.
I’d like to watch {yeh-yeh yeh} her {yeh-yeh yeh} sweat {yeh-yeh yeh} with fear {yeh-yeh yeh},
I’m sending Kate Adie to cover every war this year.
VERSE 2
Kate Adie where are you,
In Sarajevo or Mogadishu?
Although the air’s diffuse with lead,
The shrapnel bounces off your head.
Where Martin Bell {yeh-yeh yeh} fell {yeh-yeh yeh} she’s {yeh-yeh yeh} swell {yeh-yeh yeh},
I think that Kate Adie could happily report from hell.
MIDDLE BIT
Some day the time will come,
That she gives up writing;
She’ll buy a Tommy Gun,
And take up street fighting.
VERSE 3
Kate Adie, mercenary,
Will not be more incendiary;
But when she gets blown up,
She’ll be rebuilt like Robocop.
(enter Kate Adie to sing the last two lines)
And I shall be {yeh-yeh yeh} a {yeh-yeh yeh} grave {yeh-yeh yeh} foe {yeh-yeh yeh},
Yes this is Kate Adie BBC News Sarajevo.
…and there was even a Version 3 in 1994 – I told you the piece ran and ran despite my reservations about it:
KATE ADIE – VERSION 3
(You’ll have to supply most backing oooh-ooohs and yeh-yehs yourselves)
VERSE 1
Every night I hope and pray,
That Kate Adie gets blown away;
Although she seems awful cross,
I don’t suppose she gives a toss.
I have to watch {yeh-yeh yeh} her {yeh-yeh yeh} snarl {yeh-yeh yeh} and sneer {yeh-yeh yeh},
Because old Kate Adie’s reporting every war this year.
VERSE 2
Kate Adie where are you,
In Sarajevo or Mogadishu?
Although the air’s diffuse with lead,
The shrapnel bounces off your head.
Where Martin Bell {yeh-yeh yeh} fell {yeh-yeh yeh} she’s {yeh-yeh yeh} swell {yeh-yeh yeh},
I think that Kate Adie could happily report from hell.
MIDDLE BIT
Some day the time will come,
That she gives up writing;
She’ll buy a Tommy Gun,
And take up street fighting.
VERSE 3
Kate Adie, mercenary,
Would not be more incendiary;
But if she got blown up,
She’d be rebuilt like Robocop.
(enter Kate Adie to sing the last two lines)
And I shall be {yeh-yeh yeh} a {yeh-yeh yeh} grave {yeh-yeh yeh} foe {yeh-yeh yeh},
Yes this is Kate Adie BBC News Sarajevo.
There was even a subsequent Version 3, which should, I suppose, have been named Version 4, in late January 1995:
KATE ADIE – VERSION 3
(You’ll have to supply most backing oooh-ooohs and yeh-yehs yourselves)
VERSE 1
Every night I hope and pray,
That Kate Adie gets blown away (or, for the faint hearted, “That Kate Adie will go away”);
Although she seems awful cross,
I don’t suppose she gives a toss.
I have to watch {yeh-yeh yeh} her {yeh-yeh yeh} snarl {yeh-yeh yeh} and sneer {yeh-yeh yeh},
Because old Kate Adie’s reporting every war this year.
VERSE 2
Kate Adie where are you,
In Sarajevo or Mogadishu?
Although the air’s diffuse with lead,
The shrapnel bounces off your head.
Where Martin Bell {yeh-yeh yeh} fell {yeh-yeh yeh} she’s {yeh-yeh yeh} swell {yeh-yeh yeh},
I think that Kate Adie could happily report from hell.
MIDDLE BIT
Some day the time will come,
That she gives up writing;
She’ll buy a Tommy Gun,
And take up street fighting.
VERSE 3
Kate Adie, mercenary,
Would not be more incendiary;
But if she got blown up,
She’d be rebuilt like Robocop.
(enter Kate Adie to sing the last two lines)
And I shall be {yeh-yeh yeh} a {yeh-yeh yeh} grave {yeh-yeh yeh} foe {yeh-yeh yeh},
Yes this is Kate Adie BBC News Sarajevo.
Here is a vid of Bobby Darin performing Dream Lover live on TV – so 1950s:
The extraordinary thing about this sketch and medley is the date I first wrote it – two-and-a-half weeks before Black Wednesday.
My log records that I first wrote it on the August bank holiday weekend, ironically. I tinkered with it on the Tuesday (1 September) and called it Version 2 – only that tinkered version survives of the pre Black Wednesday versions.
The NewsRevue cast didn’t use it at that time – it probably didn’t seem topical to them ahead of the crisis.
I subsequently changed and improved the piece a lot, post crisis, renaming it “As Time Goes By or They Flew From Tuscany”, so most of the material did get used eventually. The “Don’t Fuck Up the Economy” lyric in particular ran and ran.
Anyway, for those who like this sort of quirky thing, here is the sketch and medley in its original form, including the final lyric of the medley which (in its way) explains why Black Wednesday happened:
MINISTERIAL BRIEF ENCOUNTER – VERSION 2
(A Sketch and Medley from the good old 1940’s)
DRAMATIS PERSONAE
John Major (Johnny)
Virginia Bottomley (Gini)
Gillian Shepherd (Jilly)
Norman Lamont (Fartface)
THE SKETCH
(The pianist tinkles away, preferably the Second Movement of Rachmaninov’s Second Piano Concerto – a la Brief Encounter – or failing that some other slushy stuff. The music is adagio sostenuto, the voices are staccato. We start with just Johnny and Gini on stage.)
GINI:Johnny.
JOHNNY:Gini.
GINI:Oh Johnny. What’s happened to the economy?
JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving us a bally barney, Gini. The pound keeps going down.
GINI:What about Yankee Doodle Dandy?
JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving Yankee Doodle Dandy a bally barney too, Gini.
GINI:Oh Johnny, this darned economy’s ruining all our lives. I’m sorry. I’m acting like a bally fool.
(Enter Jilly)
JILLY:Hello Gini.
GINI:Hello Jilly. Do you know my friend Johnny?
JILLY:Hello Johnny.
JOHNNY:Hello Jilly. What do you do for the old effort?
JILLY:I’m in employment.
JOHNNY:Gosh, that is unusual these days.
JILLY:In the ministry. Gosh, Johnny, it’s all going horribly. Where’s Normy?
JOHNNY:Out there in the treasury battling it out with Gerry.
GINI:Oh God, I hope he isn’t going to do something silly.
(Enter Normy)
JOHNNY:Here he comes now, and I rather think he is going to do something silly.
JILLY:You don’t mean……
NORMY:Yes, I’m going to sing a medley. And you’re going to help me.
THE MEDLEY
DON’T FUCK UP THE ECONOMY
(To the tune of “Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree”)
Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,
Anyone else but me, anyone else but me (no, no no);
Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,
‘Til I return from Tuscany.
Don’t devalue the currency with countries like Germany,
We’ll solve it internally, from now till eternity (no no no);
Don’t devalue the currency we’ve purchasing parity,
With Greece and Italy.
FALLING IN ERM
(To the tune of “Falling in Love again”)
I often stop and wonder, why stripy shirted men,
Financial markets plunder, sell pounds and buy yen.
We offer them low taxes, but still those city sharks,
With mobile phones and faxes, dump pounds for Deutchmarks.
Falling in ERM,
Sterling’s down the drain,
Valueless again,
So don’t hold it.
Falling in ERM,
Sterling is the pits,
Norman’s got the shits,
And can’t help us.
THE ERM AND ECU ERK FROM NUMBER ELEVEN
(To the tune of “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy From Company B”)
He is a chubby little chap from out West London way,
He rented out his flat to girls you have to pay;
He is in charge of treasury,
But he could never get through an economics degree,
He is the Chancellor of the Exchequer here,
He’s the ERM and ECU erk from Number Eleven.
He likes to blow his trumpet and he thinks he’s great,
But he cannot maintain the Public’s interest rate;
The people think he is a jerk,
Because the pounds up the creek and half the folks can’t find work;
We ought to chuck him out with a flea in his ear,
Cos our ERM and ECU erk can’t count to Eleven.
“We won’t, we won’t, we won’t we won’t we won’t”…..,
I think his needle is stuck,
…..”Devalue Sterling”;
He won’t say a word unless a Treasury crisis is unfurling;
Why don’t we terminate, this ministers career?
Change the ERM and ECU erk at Number Eleven.
Here are the Andrews Sisters singing “Don’t Sit Under The Apple Tree”:
…and Marlene Dietrich singing “Falling In Love Again”…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaZDiKRT1is
…and the Andrews Sisters again, this time singing “The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy”:
It seemed that the princesses were leading parallel lives, so I tried combining the two into a medley…
…I’m not sure it was used. If it was used, it was only used for a week or two. Whereas “Snooping” was used on and off in various rewritten versions for years.
Anyway, for the completists amongst us (that’s probably just me) here is the medley lyric as published.
PARALLEL LIVES
(A medley based on Songs from “Parallel Lines”)
SNOOPING ON THE MOBILE PHONE (To the tune of “Hanging on the Telephone”)
VERSE 1 – DIANA
He’s on the car phone I am calling from the Palace,
I call James squidgy but my other words sound callous,
I hate the Queen, Prince Charles and Princess Alice;
Hope no-one’s snooping on his mobile phone,
Snooping on his mobile phone.
VERSE 2 – THE SNOOPER
I like to listen in on other’s conversation,
I am a banker so I know about inflation,
I intercept the lines and cause a press sensation;
That’s why I snoop on mobile telephones,
Snoop on mobile telephones.
PICTURE TITS (To the Tune of “Picture This”)
VERSE
NEWSHOUND:All I want is a picture of boobs;
A shot of Fergie, a nipple or two,
All I want is a picture of boobs;
Wo-oh-oh, wo-wo-wo.
FERGIE:All I want is financial advice,
John raises finance, I raise his vice,
What I get is a sensible price,
Oh-oh-oh, if I can…..
CHORUS
NEWSHOUND:Picture tits – with lenses and zoom tubes,
Picture tits – Fergie’s final boobs,
She’s got nothing to lose,
Since she jacked in Andrew’s,
Quiet life with his feet up reading Beano with a mug of hot cocoa;
