Category: Writing (my writing)

Snooping On The Mobile Phone, NewsRevue Lyric, 30 August 1992

This lyric was my first attempt at Princess Diana and certainly wasn’t the last. In fact, I adapted this one a good few times over the years to address various Princess Diana news stories; not least a string of 1994 stories – click here.

Needless to say, the Princess Diana mirth industry stopped abruptly five years and one day later. But the mobile phone snooping did not stop in the late 1990s, no siree.

SNOOPING ON THE MOBILE PHONE

(To the tune of “Hanging on the Telephone”)

 

VERSE 1 – DIANA

 

He’s on the car phone I am calling from the Palace,

I call James Squidgy but my other words sound callous,

I hate the Queen, Prince Charles and Princess Alice;

 

Hope no-one’s snooping on his mobile phone,

Hope no-one’s snooping on his mobile phone.

 

VERSE 2 – THE SNOOPER

 

I like to listen in on other’s conversation,

I am a banker so I know about inflation,

I sold the tapes and that has caused a press sensation;

 

Oh I hope they talk again,

Lots of dirty talk again,

That would raise my pork again.

 

That’s why I snoop on mobile telephones,

That’s why I snoop on mobile telephones.

 

VERSE 3 – FERGIE

 

I hate the fact Diana gets all the attention,

Since Squidgy hit the news I’ve hardly had a mention,

I’ll call some old boy friends to get back in contention;

 

As long as they have mobile telephones,

(They all have mobile telephones).

 

VERSE 4 – DIANA AGAIN

 

I gave Charles chances but that big eared fat head blew it,

Why don’t you ride me, Squidgy, we both want to do it,

Sorry, wrong number, James, I thought you were James Hewitt;

 

Just got my lines crossed on the mobile phones,

But either James will do,

{Oh-oh} and Gilbey’s car is new,

{Oh-oh} I’m sure I’ll cope with two,

{Oh-oh} or I could try a few,

Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh for a screw.

I also tried combining the above lyric in a medley with the Sarah Ferguson lyric I wrote a week or so earlier – click here.

If you would like to see Blondie singing Hanging On The Telephone, you can do that by clicking the embedded vid below:

A version of the above Blondie song with lyrics is embedded in the later versions of my “Calling On The Mobile Phone” lyrics – here.

A Rendezvous With Jacqui Somerville, Canal Cafe Theatre, 25 August 1992

A rare, indeed mysterious visit to the Canal Cafe on a Tuesday.

I recall this only vaguely. The diary helps just a little.

When I dropped off my Woody Allen & Mia Farrow lyric the week before, I think I ran into Jacqui Somerville herself at the Canal. Either that, or I ran into Harriet Quirk who had a message that Jacqui wanted to meet me. In any case, Jacqui and I arranged to meet on a non-NewsRevue evening.

Jacqui had been directing the early spring run of NewsRevue – that was the first show I saw. I shall write up the story of my early correspondence and visits in the fullness of time. Jacqui had her own ideas about the show, including her own pet writers, some of whom were cast, which went down very badly with the regular writers.

Indeed, at the first NewsRevue writers meeting I attended, some told me not to bother submitting for a few weeks, others simply suggested that I don’t lose heart and resubmit material that had longevity for the subsequent run; which was in fact the John Random run that first used my stuff.

So I do remember Jacqui’s rendezvous request sort-of feeling like an assignation. What would the other writers think if they found out about it? Was she going to try and recruit me into the comedy writing dark side? Or to spy for the Russians or something?

In fact, I recall finding Jacqui quite delightful company, very encouraging and full of good advice/ideas for my writing. I had a little burst of creativity over the subsequent bank holiday weekend, which I’m sure was somewhat inspired by that Tuesday evening chat.

I don’t know whether Jacqui met up with any of the other regular NewsRevue writers over that summer to build bridges, but she certainly won me over and used plenty of the regular writers’ material (not least mine) in future runs she directed, not least the 1992 Christmas run.

I also recall running into Jacqui and her more serious theatre work in subsequent years.

I wonder whether Harriet remembers much about this tiny incident or indeed whether this short piece might be a magnet with which to re-establish contact with Jacqui, as part of our “class of ’92” reunion project?

Picture Tits, NewsRevue Lyric, 22 August 1992

Heck, I was having a quiet weekend – it was the weekend between ossobuco with Janie and our first proper date.

There was a titillating royal story in the news: Sarah Ferguson and John “Johnny” Bryan (subsequently “explained” in this link).

Ironically, for me, just embarking on a relationship with a chiropodist, this was the toe sucking story.

I remember asking Janie soon afterwards whether the toe sucking saga was good for her business.

Janie said it was. Very good for business.

I don’t think this lyric was good for my lyric writing business; I don’t recall it being used, although it does have its moments.

I also tried combining the lyric in a medley with the Princess Diana lyric I wrote a week or so later – click here.

                                                              PICTURE TITS

(To the Tune of “Picture This”)

 

VERSE 1 – NEWSHOUNDS

 

NEWSHOUNDS:All I want is a picture of boobs,

A shot of Fergie, a nipple or two,

All I want is a picture of boobs;

Wo-oh-oh, wo-wo-wo.

 

NEWSHOUNDS:All I want is some photos in the Mirror,

Of Fergie and her financier with ‘er,

All I want is to fill the Mirror,

 

CHORUS 1 – FERGIE AND JOHN BRYAN

 

FERGIE & BRYAN:Picture tits – all over the papers,

Picture tits – and all of our capers;

FERGIE:Done in front of the kids,

I’d end up on the skids,

If it weren’t for my suites at Windsor, Buck House and Balmoral wo-oh-ho;

FERGIE & BRYAN:Picture tits – and our peccadillos,

Picture tits – sucking ones big toes,

Now the Sun is really selling news – oh yeh.

 

VERSE 2 – FERGIE & JOHN BRYAN

 

FERGIE:All I want is financial advice,

JOHN:You raise the finance, I’ll raise the vice,

FERGIE:All I want is some sugar and spice,

Oh-oh -oh,

If you can…..

 

CHORUS 2 – NEWSHOUNDS, FERGIE & JOHN BRYAN

 

NEWSHOUNDS:Picture tits – with lenses and zoom tubes,

Picture tits – Fergie’s final boobs,

She’s got nothing to lose,

Since she jacked in Andrew’s,

Quiet life with his feet up reading Beano with a mug of hot cocoa;

FERGIE:Picture tits – oh my God it’s vital,

Picture tits – I may lose my title,

Johnny Bryan says he’s goanna sue,

He will instruct Carter-Ruck,

If the papers claim that we fuck – yeh.

If you want to see Blondie singing Picture This, click below:

…and/or click this link for the Picture This lyrics.

Mama Mia Farrow, NewsRevue Lyric, 18 August 1992

This lyric ran and ran in NewsRevue in the second half of 1992 and was also recorded by Ben Murphy the following year (recording below).

It was still early in my NewsRevue “career” so I have a few very clear memories about the writing and initial performing of it.

The first memory is that the Woody and Mia rift story broke early in the week and the song popped into my head very quickly. I recall jumping in the car and dropping a lyric sheet and cassette at the Canal Cafe Theatre, probably on that very (Tuesday) morning.

I also recall Jonny Hurst confronting me on the Thursday evening, when the song was first performed, because he had also used the rhyme “Manhattan…shat on” (in a lyric that resembled Maria from West Side Story); Jonny found it hard to believe that I might independently have had the same thought. Fortunately I had a good evidence trail that my lyric had been submitted independently and indeed earlier than his; Jonny not only went on to become the chant laureate but he is also a lawyer!

Here is my lyric:

MAMA MIA FARROW

(A Song for Mia Farrow, Woody Allen and Sprogs To the Tune of “Mama Mia”)

 

VERSE 1

 

MIA:Woody’s cheated on me since I don’t know when,

WOODY:I like Mia’s daughters once they’re nine or ten;

MIA:Look at him pry at them lustily,

WOODY:I’m goanna try to get custody,

I have thought,

I might fancy a ward of court;

MIA:God you look a bit like Bernard Levin,

WOODY:Sling your hook go back to Andre Previn.

 

CHORUS 1

 

SPROGS:Wo oh oh oh, Mama Mia, here they go again,

My my, listen how they bicker;

Mama Mia, hear them blow again,

My my, like one of his flickers.

WOODY:Central Park came between us,

MIA:He has a massive – genius,

SPROGS:Why why, do they have to argue so?

Mama Mia, now we really know,

Why you’re name is still Mia Farrow.

 

VERSE 2

 

WOODY:I’ve been dating Soon-Yi and we’re both having fun,

MIA:You’re an aging loony and she’s just twenty-one;

WOODY:I’m sorry I’ve broken etiquette,

MIA:You’ll go to gaol in Connecticut,

Yankee States,

Won’t allow you to have young mates;

WOODY:Our love tryst should have been in Tennessee,

MIA:Analyst is who you should go and see.

 

CHORUS 2

 

SPROGS:Wo oh oh oh, Mama Mia, here they go again,

My my, like the film Manhattan,

Mama Mia, hear them blow again,

Mia, thinks she has been shat on;

WOODY:We both shunned matrimony,

MIA:But still found acrimony,

SPROGS:Why why does this have to carry on?

Mama Mia now he has done wrong,

Shove him up his own Orgasmatron.

Here is Ben Murphy’s recording of the lyric:

And just in case you want to see Abba singing Mamma Mia, here is a vid:

Or if you’d sooner see the Abba lyrics:

Postscript: I have subsequently noticed that my creative process is captured on my diary page for 18 August 1992:

I Feel Petty, NewsRevue Lyric, 9 August 1992

The day after I met Janie for the first time, I wrote this little critter. Coincidentally about someone named Jani.

Jani Allan was a journalist who had allegedly been consorting with the white supremacist Eugene Terre’Blanche (he immortalised in an earlier lyric of mine, which was currently in the show). I thought this additional little piece might complement his song.

It’s a bit all over the place (much like its non-evil twin song), but I think it was used a couple of times over the summer, if for no other reason to reprise (reuse) the springbok masks from the Terre’Blanche song. If you want to know more about Jani Allan, some of the newspaper headline links – here – are at least as funny if not funnier than my lyric.

I FEEL PETTY

(To the Tune of “I Feel Pretty”)

 

VERSE 1 – JANI ALLAN

 

I am Jani, yes I’m Jani, I am canny, my man ‘e is white,

And my fanny, is with Eugene Terre’Blanche tonight;

I feel Nazis, private parties, though my heart is not party to crimes,

Even tarts see that the Nazis are bunch of slimes.

 

See the article in the Mirror there,

Why does everyone libel me?

I shall sue the Sun, and sue Channel 4, and the Guardian and I shall sue me.

 

I am petty, oh so petty, but I bet ‘e can get me a pile,

Cos I’m now the most soughter reporter for miles.

 

MIDDLE BIT – CHORUS

 

Have you seen my friend Michael Jackson,

The crazyist guy on the screen,

The strange parts that his surgeon tacks on,

Have made him look so weird and some say obscene.

 

He thinks he looks good, he thinks he’s a brain,

He doesn’t look good, he’s really insane.

 

Write a word or two about Michael, and he’s bound to sue you for libel;

 

VERSE 2 – MICHAEL JACKSON (LOOKING IN A MIRROR)

 

Woooo,

I look pretty, woooo so pretty, though this city is shitty I’m white;

It’s a pity that the papers libel me through spite.

 

See that pretty boy in that mirror there {CHORUS WITH PAPERS: this mirror here};

Doesn’t he look slightly like me {CHORUS: who what where who}

Such a pretty nose such a pretty face such a pretty hair pity its not me.

 

Woooo,

I am petty, oh so petty, like Paul Getty I’ve earned mega bucks,

I don’t care if I look like the back of a truck.

If you want to hear Natalie Wood sing I Feel Pretty and see the lyrics to that song, see below:

 

Mick’s Unpleasant Things, NewsRevue Lyric, 1 August 1992

25 years ago to this very day (I am writing on 1 August 2017), I wrote this rather nasty little lyric, which was very successfully used in NewsRevue for many weeks.

I’m hoping someone out there can name the two performers who made this their own for the first few weeks; I can picture them but not name them. I think Jonathan Linsley and Dot Atkinson were also in that cast, but I’m pretty sure the other two played Mick and Jerry…

Postscript: I found a running order and cast list in my own pile of antiquities – Peter Anthony Graham was “Mick” and Vanessa Peers was “Jerry”.

25 years later Mick Jagger and Jerry Hall are both still surprisingly newsworthy.

MICK’S UNPLEASANT THINGS

(To the Tune of “My Favourite Things”)

 

JUDGE:Dearly beloved.  We are gathered here today to conduct the divorce proceedings of Mr Michael Jagger and Ms Jeremiah Hall.  Ms Hall.  Will you please explain to this court why you wish to divorce this man.

 

VERSE 1 – JERRY’S TESTIMONY

 

Prancing about like a twelve year old wanker,

Marianne Faithful and loyal to Bianca;

Hundreds of other girls now wear his rings,

These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.

 

VERSE 2 – MORE OF JERRY’S TESTIMONY

 

Ogling at photographs of Dolly Parton,

Trips with Bill Wyman to the Kindergarten;

Look how he dances and hear how he sings,

These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.

 

CLIMATIC BIT 1 – JERRY’S CLIMAX

 

When a Mars bar, extra large size, is placed by my bed;

I think of Mick’s bulging and expectant eyes, and go for a walk instead.

 

JUDGE:Is she not radiant?  Is she not fragrant?  Would you care for a Twix, Ms Hall?  Now, Mr Slimy Toad, what do you have to say for yourself?

 

VERSE 3 – MICK’S TESTIMONY

 

Slow Texan drawl that drives me to distraction,

With girls like her I can’t get satisfaction;

Fights over Carla and my other flings,

These are a few of her unpleasant things.

 

VERSE 4 – MICK’S TESTIMONY

 

Honky Tonk Woman you’ve gone way past your prime,

Get off my cloud, paint it black for the last time,

I want some action, I don’t want the strings,

Least of all I want her unpleasant things.

 

CLIMATIC BIT 2 – MICK’S CLIMAX

 

When my lips purse, and I’m strutting, then its time for bed;

I think about Jerry’s aversion to rutting, and screw someone else instead.

 

JUDGE:Divorce granted.  Next case please.

Just in case you don’t know the song My Favourite Things from The Sound of Music…or even if you do know it but want to hear and see it again, here it is:

 

On 1 August 1993, I wrote a 50th birthday remix of this lyric:

MICK’S UNPLEASANT THINGS – 50th BIRTHDAY REMIX

(To the Tune of “My Favourite Things”)
 
ANNOUNCER:And now, in honour of Mick Jagger’s fiftieth birthday, we go over now to Mick & Jerry’s palatial residence in Richmond upon Thames.
 
VERSE 1 – JERRY HALL
 
Prancing about like a twelve year old wanker,
Marianne Faithful and loyal to Bianca;
‘Tho Mick is fifty he still has wild flings,
These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.
 
VERSE 2 – MICK JAGGER
 
Slow Texan drawl that drives me to distraction,
With girls like her I can’t get satisfaction;
I’m fifty so Jerry now clips my wings,
These are a few of her unpleasant things.
 
CLIMATIC BIT 1 – JERRY’S CLIMAX
 
When a Mars bar, extra large size, is placed by my bed;
I think of Mick’s bulging and expectant eyes, and go for a walk instead.
 
VERSE 3 – JERRY HALL
 
Ogling at photographs of Dolly Parton,
Trips with Bill Wyman to the Kindergarten;
Look how he dances and hear how he sings,
These are a few of Mick’s unpleasant things.
 
VERSE 4 – MICK JAGGER
 
Honky Tonk Woman you’ve gone way past your prime,
Get off my cloud, paint it black for the last time,
I want some action, I don’t want the strings,
Least of all I want her unpleasant things.
 
CLIMATIC BIT 2 – MICK’S CLIMAX
 
When my lips purse, and I’m strutting, then its time for bed;
I think about Jerry’s aversion to rutting, and screw someone else instead.

Note To Paula Tappenden, NewsRevue, 1 August 1992

This note speaks for itself.

So the other female in that cast (other than Dot Atkinson) was named Vanessa. Can anyone remember or find out what her surname is/was?

(Postscript: Vanessa Peers.)

I remember absolutely nothing about the stupor-filled weekend in South London referred to in the note…

…so it must have worked.

The diary helps; I went to see Little Voice with Bobbie on the Saturday evening and played bridge (presumably at Daniel’s place) at 5:30 on the Sunday. I’ll write up the Little Voice presently but the bridge I don’t recall but it sounds as though it would have been well wacky.

 

Dear Paula,

 

 

Here is one new song and some changes to bring some others more up to date.

 

MICK (see enclosed)

 

Vanessa wanted a leading role in a number from a big musical – so here it is.  I’m actually very pleased with “Mick’s Unpleasant Things” and hope you like it too.  I think you could do a lot with it.

 

STERIODS (see enclosed)

 

The twists in the Olympic drugs story have helped me to tighten up the Steriods (sic) number.  I think it is better than it was, but I won’t be disappointed if you drop it for something better.

 

TERRE’BLANCHE (see enclosed)

 

The Terre’Blanche libel case gets more bizarre and more coverage in the papers each day.  I have tweaked the intro to bring it up to date with the case and added an extra “middle bit” couplet that pre-empts the ANC general strike (due to start Monday) and the Boipatong enquiry (due to start on Thursday).  You have done a really marvellous job with this number – I was very impressed.  It is just a shame that the writers could hardly see at the back last week!

 

LABOUR (not enclosed)

 

I agree with you’re swopping Dave Blunkett for Paul Boeteng in “Come Back Labour”, but I think the intros should now read:

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, let me introduce:

Neil Kinnock on keyboards,

Margaret Beckett on do-dos,

Harriet Harman on wop-bops,

Dave Blunkett on eye-drops,

And me, John Smith, on (pointedly) lead vocals.”

 

One small hint on performing “Labour”: – the Wilson couplet can be made to scan by leaping in a fraction early on the second line – the emphasis is as indicated    thus:

 

“Come back Wilson, whatcha leave for?

We last won elections in ‘74,”

 

(I keep meaning to mention this when I see you – I know its a bit petty.)

 

ME (not enclosed)

 

I’m off now to spend the weekend in a stupor with various friends in South London.  I may well get some good ideas there – but am unlikely to remember many of them and am even less likely to write anything down.  If anything else does come to me I’ll bring it in Monday night.

 

You are all doing a grand job and I hope to see you next week.

 

Eugène Terre’Blanche, NewsRevue Lyric Actually Used, 26 July 1992

I like to think of Ogblog as the fifth emergency service. So when John White texted me on 1 January 2017 to say that he had my old Eugène Terre’blanche/Sweet Gene Vincent song giving him earworm and could I please Ogblog it sharpish…no sooner the word than the deed – click here for that hurried rescue piece.

But in truth, I wanted to write more about this lyric and in any case that original version from February 1992 was pre-NewsRevue (from my point of view) and never professionally performed.

By the summer of 1992 I was writing quite regularly for NewsRevue and, fortuitously (for me and for NewsRevue, not for the people of South Africa), Terre’blanche was back in the news.

Stalwarts of the show that summer were Jonathan Linsley and his then girlfriend Paula Tappenden. Both had a go at both acting and directing the show; at that juncture, Paula was directing and Jonathan was acting. That was good fortune for this song, as Jonathan was able to personify the ghastly Eugène Terre’Blanche very well.

I recall some excellent business in the intro where they would take the line “I like to watch springboks rutting” and get a member of the cast to do some suggestive puppetry with a pair of sneakers, only for Linsley/Terre’Blanche to yell, “I said springboks, not Reeboks”.

The female members of the cast would don deer masks and then dance around as a chorus of springboks. I recall that Dorothy (“Dot”) Atkinson was one of the springboks in that song but more importantly one of the supremely talented members of that cast.

Perhaps you had to be there – it was great. Paula and Jon (and indeed Dot); you were and are stars. It was one of the golden eras for NewsRevue.

In my delight and excitement at this triumph, I found, in Record and Tape Exchange, which is/was around the corner from my flat, an utterly ghastly album of Afrikaaner Oom-pah-pah music by Johnny Saffer and his Afrikaaner Pennywhistle Brass Band. OK, perhaps the band wasn’t called that, but the jolly looking chap on the cover “boer” a passing resemblance to Linsley/Terre’Blanche.

I gave the album to Paula and Jonathan. I think Jonathan and Paula enjoyed the wheeze. I wonder what became of that memento when they split? Perhaps this Ogblog piece will uncover one or both of  those lovely people and my question might even be answered.

Meanwhile, the lyrics that were actually used in NewsRevue follow:

                              EUGENE TERRE’BLANCHE – JULY 1992 VERSION

(To the tune of “Sweet Gene Vincent”)

 

INTRO BIT

 

{CHORUS:Eugene baby}

I like to get out of Cape Town sometimes and drive round the Karoo,

I like to eat Boerwors with right wing reporters who claim we don’t screw;

I like to watch the springboks rutting, I like to eat them barbecued.

Eugene Terre’Blanche, Neo-Nazi baas, Eugene Terre’Blanche.

{CHORUS:Who, who, who’s that baas?}

 

1st MAIN BIT

 

White face-black shirt, whites rich-blacks poor, Afrikaner-Hottentot, white’s right-black’s not:-

Eugene Terre’Blanche,

There’s one in every town;

I’m fond of dressing up like the Ku Klux Klan,

In a pointed hat and gown.

 

Eugene Terre’Blanche,

I am a crashing Boer;

Before we cede power to the ANC,

We’ll fight a civil war.

 

Well, the Nationalist Party is much too soft,

I think they’re Botha jerk,

But I’d still sooner have to take my Pik,

Than F.W. de Klerk.

 

2nd MAIN BIT

 

White Meneer-black Kaffir, whites vote-blacks don’t, Afrikaner-Bantu, hate blacks and Jews:-

Eugene Terre’Blanche,

They say that I’m like Himmler;

I haven’t yet caused as much violence as him,

But our accents sound quite similar.

 

Eugene Terre’Blanche,

I’m the baas laager lout;

We’re gonna cause trouble in the RSA,

Until we get thrown out.

 

Eugene Terre’Blanche,

I’m just a big fat git;

I’d like to end this song on a profound note,

But I’m afraid that’s it.

 

Click here or below for the Ian Dury and the Blockheads version.

 

Build A Rocket Or Two, NewsRevue Lyric, 26 July 1992

In truth I had no recollection of rewriting this one in the summer of 1992 nor of seeing it performed in NewsRevue – I simply remembered the generic version of it (shown at the bottom of this piece, dated 4 February 1991 in my jotter) as one of my earliest efforts of writing parody lyrics and performing them to friends.

Still, there it is in a running order I have rediscovered from Week Four of Paula Tappenden’s run – (w/e 31 July 1992).

I vaguely recall the subject of Saddam and his missiles being in the news again and discussing it at the writers’ meeting the week before, so I must have thought to myself, “I have a little something that will easily adapt to this story”.

The notion that Saddam had really nasty weapons squirrelled away somewhere seems to have been part of the general consensus amongst the savvy as early as 1992; an interesting note for the many historians who are surely reading the NewsRevue section of Ogblog as part of the authoritative historical record of the 1990’s era.

BUILD A ROCKET OR TWO – JULY 1992 VERSION

(A song for Saddam and Chorus to the tune of “Pick a Pocket or Two”)

 

VERSE ONE

In this world one thing counts,

On defence, large amounts;

Missiles like these, don’t grow on trees;

You’ve got to build a rocket or two,

You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,

You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

{CHORUS:Guns like these don’t grow on trees

You’ve got to build a rocket or two.}

 

VERSE TWO

Take a tip from Saddam,

Losing war is a sham;

Shrug of the loss, I’m still the boss;

But better hide a rocket or two,

I’d better hide a rocket or two, boys,

I’ll hide a vicious rocket or two.

{CHORUS:Yankee nerds can’t save the Kurds,

Saddam has hid a rocket or two.}

 

VERSE THREE

Iraqis, pay their tax,

For warheads, with Anthrax;

Splat Kurds en masse with mustard gas;

So build another rocket or two,

You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,

I’ll build a Shiite rocket or two.

{CHORUS:Germs like these don’t spread with ease,

So build another rocket or two.}

 

VERSE 4

UN force, who will lose,

Can my Scud, beat their Cruise? (Saddam looks worried, then has a thought)

Kill with aplomb by Neutron Bomb;

I’ll buy another rocket or two,

I like to buy a rocket or two, boys,

A very nasty rocket or two.

{CHORUS:Fallout?  These last centuries,

We’d better build a bunker or two.}

Here is Ron Moody singing “Pick A Pocket Or Two” from the movie version of Oliver!:

…and here are the lyrics to Pick A Pocket Or Two.

If by any chance there are some completists keen to see the original (February 1991) version of my “Rocket” lyrics, here it is:

BUILD A ROCKET OR TWO

(A Song to the tune of “Pick a Pocket or Two” from “Oliver!”)

VERSE ONE

In this world, one thing counts,
On defence, large amounts.
Missiles like these,
Don’t grow on trees;

You’ve got to build a rocket or two,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

Guns like these,
Don’t grow on trees,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

VERSE TWO

Why should we, pay more tax,
For warheads, with Anthrax?
Splat ’em en masse,
With mustard gas;

You’ve got to build a rocket or two,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

Germs like these,
Don’t spread with ease,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

VERSE THREE

If it’s Nukes, that you choose,
Build a Scud, or a Cruise.
Kill with aplomb,
By Neutron Bomb;

You’ve got to build a rocket or two,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two, boys,
You’ve got to build a rocket or two.

Fallout? These,
Last centuries,
You’d better build a bunker or two.

Steroids, NewsRevue Lyric, 25 July 1992

It was the Barcelona Olympics that summer and I thought the event needed the drugs treatment…

…as it were.

I remember Jonathan Linsley bellowing “Barcelona” at the end of the first line, to give the piece a topical feel, because it is, in truth, generic.

Still, it ran for several weeks and could run again. All it would need is a metaphorical shot in the arm.

STEROIDS

(To the Tune of “I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself”)

VERSE 1 – GIRL ATHLETE

I just don’t know what I’ve done to myself,

Don’t know just what I’ve done to my health;

Used to be soprano, now I’m baritone,

Once svelte, now I’m fourteen stone,

And chilled to the bone.

I can throw far and run like a shot,

Cos I’m built like a jet Aeroflot;

Where I once had bosoms, now I’ve large pectoids,

Don’t eat, I just take steroids;

I’ve great muscle tone,

Not human, more like hormone.

DRAMATIC MIDDLE BIT ONE – YOU CAN ALL JOIN IN

Barcelona games, we want to win the most,

We’ll do our best stuff to be first past the post.

VERSE 2 – A GROTESQUE BLOKE

I just don’t know what I’ve done to my glands,

Failed my drug test and now I’ve been banned,

Used to do athletics cos it kept me fit,

Now I just live for the hit,

When I put the shot,

It’s Cortisone in the bot.

DRAMATIC MIDDLE BIT TWO – YOU CAN ALL JOIN IN AGAIN

Barcelona games, there’ll be new records set,

We’ll take the most drugs in one Olympics yet.

VERSE 3 – TWO GROTESQUE BLOKES

We just don’t know what we’ve done to ourselves,

Get strange feelings in our brains and pelves;

Guess the trainer told us we would come in fast,

Girlfriends want our run to last;

A minute or two,

{GIRL – sounding a bit miffed}

But seven seconds won’t do.

In July 1996 I updated the lyric for the Atlanta Olympics, which gave it a new lease of life:

STEROIDS – ATLANTA 1996
(To the Tune of “I Just Don’t Know What To Do With Myself”)

VERSE 1 – GIRL ATHLETE

I just don’t know what I’ve done to myself,
Don’t know just what I’ve done to my health;
Used to be soprano, now I’m baritone,
Once svelte, now I’m fourteen stone,
And chilled to the bone.

I just don’t know what I’ve done to my glands,
Failed my drug test and now I’ve been banned,
Where I once had bosoms, now I’ve large pectoids,
Don’t eat, I just take steroids;
When I put the shot,
It’s Cortisone in the bot.

MIDDLE EIGHT ONE – YOU CAN ALL JOIN IN

The Atlanta games, we want to win the most,
We’ll do our best stuff to be first past the post.

VERSE 2 – TWO GROTESQUE BLOKES

We just don’t know what we’ve done to ourselves,
Get strange feelings in our brains and pelves;
Guess the trainer told us we would come in fast,
Girlfriends want our run to last;
A minute or two,
{GIRL – sounding a bit miffed}
But seven seconds won’t do.

MIDDLE EIGHT TWO – YOU CAN ALL JOIN IN AGAIN

The Atlanta games, there’ll be new records set,
Most cases of drugs in one Olympics yet.

VERSE 3 – MEDICS

We just don’t know why they’ve all done these drugs,
Cos they knew they’d get caught, they’re no mugs;
Maybe in Atlanta, something’s in the drink,
Athletes all land in the clink;
That’s why we all sing,
Try Coke, it’s the real thing!!

Here is Dusty Springfield singing I Just Don’t Know What To Do:

Here’s a link to the lyrics of I Just Don’t Know What To Do.