Fellow writer Neil Watson directed in the autumn of 1995. Unusually no record of the submissions I made to him; perhaps we’d had a very specific conversation at the writers’ meeting.
Neil Watson 28 September 1995
(Hammersmith W6 address redacted)
Dear Neil
THAT STUFF I PROMISED YOU
I finally got round to printing out an up to date pack of songs for you. Obviously there are many others which could either be updated, revised or simply ignored. This pack represents the most likely lot.
My “Old Boys” Lyric, which will be Ogblogged in the fullness of time, ran and ran and ran.
This one was an attempt to write something else on the subject. Didn’t work, I ended up tweaking “Old Boys” and it ran some more.
STAR SPANGLED OLD SCHOOL TIE
(To the Tune of “Star Spangled Banner”)
VERSE
I say, can you see by the club’s faded light,
What so proudly we wear since the day we ceased schooling?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the commercial plight,
Copped us all the top jobs even if young and foolish.
MIDDLE EIGHT
The school tie got us there,
Even young Tony Blaire,
Isn’t so much hot air,
So he sends his kids there.
OUTRO
I say, does that spangled old school tie hold sway,
O’er the land of the free if they can afford to pay.
What this lyric lacks in subtlety it makes up for with…perhaps it doesn’t.
Pretty sure it was never used, although I like the sentiment and it is a good lyric, I feel.
LOTTARIA
(To the Tune of “Rockaria”)
INTRO 1 – THE DIVA
I’m imploring the lottery,
The opera house needs all your cash.
VERSES
Just got back from the Covent Garden,
Where the Opera House won pots,
And the staff’s already startin’,
To spend it;
Yeh yeh yeh they can spend it,
Eighty million they’ll spend it,
And a bunch of toffs get plusher seats.
Big chubby lady sings like a songbird,
So she’ll milk the Opera House for all it is worth,
Cos she’s greedy,
Yeh yeh yeh she is greedy,
Loadsamoney she’s greedy,
So fat that she takes up three seats.
MIDDLE EIGHT
She’d cheat on Wagner,
I think she’d lie for Beethoven,
She loves the way Pucchini is compromised,
And Verdi’s always bleeding subsidised.
INTRO 2 – DIVA AGAIN
I need ten thousand instantly,
Won’t leave my bed for any less.
OUTRO
And so we’re forking out for opera instead of other things,
And this subsidy ain’t over after the fat lady sings,
And the orchestra can fiddle their expenses if they choose,
And the weak and sick and homeless are again the ones to lose,
And as the stars get richer Diva’s also put on weight,
And its only hooray henries think that opera grants are great,
Cos she’s an opera singer taking home a load of dosh,
And the lottery priorities are such a load of tosh,
Cos the third world’s starving.
Here is Rockaria by ELO, with its lyrics on the screen:
A big submission at the end of the summer, with some strong indication of what had and hadn’t been used.
Usual blah blah about Amipro tables – this was a neat one page letter in its day, but you can see what it said, that’s the main thing.
Zoe Klinger
News Revue
LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
SEPTEMBER to OCTOBER 1995 RUN
Dear Zoe
Welcome!! It was good to meet you last night. This starter pack consists of some songs currently in the show, some previously unperformed ones and revamps of one or two which have come back into fashion as it were. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.
Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.
Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.
Song Title / Original Title/Artist on Tape
Aprox. No. of weeks performed 7+ 4-6 1-3 New
side 1
ebola / maria/west side story – 4-6
we’re in the mood for grafting / i’m in the mood for dancing/nolans – 1-3
i’m not in power / i’m not in love / 10cc – 1-3
i can sing a rainbow warrior NO RECORDING – SORRY – 1-3
The Web was pretty new, changing rapidly all the time and only just starting to become a big thing in 1995.
I wrote several versions of this lyric – the first in August, the other two in November. I think Version 2 is the best so I am showing it first. I think this got a fair old run in the show, hence the upgrading.
Prescient lyric, I’d call it. Prescient.
SURF THE INTERNET – NOW UPGRADED!! – VERSION 2
(To the Tune of “Surfin’ USA”)
VERSE 1
If everybody had a modem and PC to connect,
Then everybody’d be surfin’ across the Internet;
You bet their wearing their shell suits, and baggy anoraks,
And greasy, smelly, streaked hair-dos,
Surf the Internet.
CHORUS 1
They’ll all be surfin’ in Cambridge, {CHORUS: inside jargon Internet}
And up in Milton Keynes; {CHORUS: Gopher and Kermit the Internet}
The latest wheeze for accountants, {CHORUS: Birdshit and Dogspoo the Internet}
Instead of counting beans; {CHORUS: just made up some crap on the Internet}
In the house or the office, {CHORUS: Website analysis the Internet}
The flat or maisonette; {CHORUS: Virtual paralysis….}
ALL: Everybody’s gone surfin’
On the Internet.
VERSE 2
We’ll all be planning out a Web, with Netscape front, no doubt,
We’re waxing down our Barbours although we never go out;
Upgrading our hardware for Windows ’95,
And if we didn’t send you e-mail, you wouldn’t know we’re still alive.
CHORUS 2
They’ll all be surfin’ in Oxford, {CHORUS: inside jargon Internet}
And down in Basingstoke; {CHORUS: Gopher and Kermit the Internet}
Better key in a smiley, {CHORUS: Birdshit and Dogspoo the Internet}
So readers know its a joke;-) {CHORUS: just made up some crap on the Internet}
In the house or the office, {CHORUS: Website analysis the Internet}
The flat or maisonette; {CHORUS: Virtual paralysis….}
Everybody’s gone surfin’ on the Internet.
BTW surfin’ across the Internet,
IMO they’re surfin’ on the Internet,
FYI we’re surfin’ on the Internet,
TTFN surfin’, surf the Internet.
Here are the Beach Boys singing Surfin’ USA, with lyrics:
For completist collectors of my lyrics, here are the other two versions of this lyric – you can pick’n’mix if you wish.
Version One:
SURF THE INTERNET
(To the Tune of “Surfin’ USA”)
VERSE 1
If everybody had a modem and PC to connect,
Then everybody’d be surfin’ across the Internet;
You bet their wearing their shell suits, and baggy anoraks,
And greasy, smelly, streaked hair-dos,
Surf the Internet.
CHORUS 1
They’ll all be surfin’ in Cambridge, {CHORUS: inside jargon Internet}
And up in Milton Keynes; {CHORUS: Gopher and Kermit the Internet}
The latest wheeze for accountants, {CHORUS: Birdshit and Dogspoo the Internet}
Instead of counting beans; {CHORUS: just made up some crap on the Internet}
In the house or the office, {CHORUS: Website analysis the Internet}
The flat or maisonette; {CHORUS: Virtual paralysis….}
ALL: Everybody’s gone surfin’
On the Internet.
VERSE 2
We’ll all be planning out a Web, with Netscape front, no doubt,
We’re waxing down our Barbours although we never go out;
We’re all into the jargon, and smiley epithets,
BTW surfin’ across the Internet,
IMO they’re surfin’ on the Internet,
FYI we’re surfin’ on the Internet,
TTFN surfin’, surf the Internet.
Version Three:
SURF THE INTERNET – NOW UPGRADED FOR WINDOWS 95!!
(To the Tune of “Surfin’ USA”)
VERSE 1
If everybody had a modem and PC to connect,
Then everybody’d be surfin’ across the Internet;
You bet their wearing their shell suits, and baggy anoraks,
And greasy, smelly, streaked hair-dos,
Surf the Internet.
CHORUS 1
They’ll all be surfin’ in Cambridge, {CHORUS: let’s all go surf the Internet}
And up in Milton Keynes; {CHORUS: jargon and stuff on the Internet}
The latest wheeze for accountants, {CHORUS: what’s it all worth on the Internet?}
Instead of counting beans; {CHORUS: how ‘ja’ kill a smurf on the Internet?}
In the house or the office, {CHORUS: meet lots of Yanks on the Internet}
The flat or maisonette; {CHORUS: porn for your wanks, hmmmm ……..}
ALL: Everybody’s gone surfin’
On the Internet.
VERSE 2
We’ll all be planning out a Web, and dreaming of Sandra Bullock’s,
We’re loading up new software, Netscape’s a load of bollocks;
Upgrading our hardware for Windows ’95,
And if we didn’t send you e-mail, you wouldn’t know we’re still alive.
CHORUS 2
They’ll all be surfin’ in Oxford, {CHORUS: let’s all go surf the Internet}
And down in Basingstoke; {CHORUS: jargon and stuff on the Internet}
Better key in a smiley, {CHORUS: what’s it all worth on the Internet?}
So readers know its a joke;-) {CHORUS: how ‘ja’ kill a smurf on the Internet?}
In the house or the office, {CHORUS: meet lots of Yanks on the Internet}
The flat or maisonette; {CHORUS: porn for your wanks….hmmmm}
Everybody’s gone surfin’ on the Internet.
BTW surfin’ across the Internet,
IMO they’re surfin’ on the Internet,
FYI we’re surfin’ on the Internet,
TTFN surfin’, surf the Internet.
This material is a bit all over the place – I have a feeling it was not submitted in this form but a holding pen waiting for some other material and a bit of mix and match. Other medleys had done well for me that year.
I did submit the Star Spangled School Tie separately at one point. I quite like the Al Gore short.
SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP MEDLEY
(To various US and UK patriotic tunes)
LAND OF HOPELESS TORIES
(To the tune of “Land of Hope and Glory”)
Land of hopeless Tories,
Mother of all teams;
How can we extol thee,
Who art born for greed?
Wider still and wider gulf twixt poor and rich,
God who made John Major can’t you make him less kitsch,
God who made Mag Thatcher, can’t you silence the bitch?
AL GORE’S BODY
(To the tune of “John Brown’s Body”)
Al Gores body stands a-sweating in his suit,
Al Gore’s body stands perspiring in his suit,
Al Gore’s body stands a-sweltering in his suit,
And it is a Gucci one.
Gore-ee, Gore-ee, Al and Tipper
Gore-ee, Gore-ee, Al and Tipper
Gore-ee, Gore-ee, Al and Tipper
In a Fiarucci thong.
RULE NEWT GINGRICH
(To the tune of “Rule Britannia”)
While Clinton never never never toked or poked,
Newt Gi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ingrich was acquiring the right wing vote,
In order to so gently shake Bill by the throat;
This was for starters, as violence stormed the land,
And Guardian A-a-a-angels steamed the train.
Rule Newt Gingrich,
He thinks he rules the States,
Newt and Clinton never never shall be mates.
STAR SPANGLED OLD SCHOOL TIE
(To the tune of “Star Spangled Banner”)
I say, can you see by the club’s faded light,
What so proudly we wear since the day we ceased schooling?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the commercial plight,
Copped us all the top jobs even if young and foolish.
The school tie got us there,
Even young Tony Blaire,
Isn’t so much hot air,
So he sends his kids there.
I say, does that spangled old school tie hold sway,
O’er the land of the free if they can afford to pay.
SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP
(To the tune of “God Save Our Gracious Queen” and/or “God Save America”)
BRITS: Special relationship,
YANKS United Nations quip,
BRITS: Lend us some dosh.
YANKS: You’ve had your Marshall aid,
BRITS: Come on, you’ll be repaid,
ALL (indicating towards the nuptial couple) This couple’s wanting to get……home,
While the rest get sloshed.
The Al Gore snippet reminds me of (was probably inspired by) Allan Sherman’s wonderful “The Ballad of Harry Lewis”:
Here also is a slightly different version of that medley page, designed as a solo:
N SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP MEDLEY N
(To various US and UK patriotic tunes)
LAND OF HOPELESS TORIES
(To the tune of “Land of Hope and Glory”)
Land of hopeless Tories, mother of all teams;
How can we extol thee, who art born for greed?
Wider still and wider gulf twixt poor and rich,
God who made John Major can’t you make him less kitsch,
God who made Mag Thatcher, can’t you silence the bitch?
AL GORE’S BODY
(To the tune of “John Brown’s Body”)
Al Gores body stands a-sweating in his suit,
Al Gore’s body stands perspiring in his suit,
Al Gore’s body stands a-sweltering in his suit, and it is a Gucci one.
Gore-ee, Gore-ee, Al and Tipper
Gore-ee, Gore-ee, Al and Tipper
Gore-ee, Gore-ee, Al and Tipper, in a Fiarucci thong.
RULE NEWT GINGRICH
(To the tune of “Rule Britannia”)
While Clinton never never never toked or poked,
Newt Gi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-ingrich was acquiring the right wing vote,
In order to so gently shake Bill by the throat;
This was for starters, as violence stormed the land,
And Guardian A-a-a-angels steamed the train.
Rule Newt Gingrich, he thinks he rules the States,
Newt and Clinton never never shall be mates.
STAR SPANGLED OLD SCHOOL TIE
(To the tune of “Star Spangled Banner”)
I say, can you see by the club’s faded light,
What so proudly we wear since the day we ceased schooling?
Whose broad stripes and bright stars, through the commercial plight,
Copped us all the top jobs even if young and foolish.
The school tie got us there,
Even young Tony Blaire,
Isn’t so much hot air,
So he sends his kids there.
I say, does that spangled old school tie hold sway,
O’er the land of the free if they can afford to pay.
Celebrating a Brit, Jonathan Edwards, winning gold in the triple jump…or something. (I added an E to Edwards name back then, much like my extra E for Tony Blair).
THREE STEPS TO RECORDS
(To the Tune of “Three Steps to Heaven”)
[You’ll have to supply all the do wap waps yourselves, I’m afraid]
VERSE 1
Now there are three steps to records,
Jonathan Edwardes has seen;
Cos sport is not much fun,
Unless you’re number one,
Just follow steps one two and three.
CHORUS
Firstly, you choose a sport unlikely,
Three legged race or egg and spoon,
Don’t be put off if it’s unsightly;
Cos then you might win the world soon.
VERSE 2
Now there’s only three steps to stardom,
If you trust the hype that they pump,
You’d think this sport we’ve won,
Was the highest, fastest one,
Instead of the hop skip and jump.
CHORUS 2
Step one you hop and hold your vitals,
Step two you skip like you are bent;
Step three you jump for the world title,
But only Britain has watched the event.
Here is Eddie Cochran singing Three Steps To Heaven – if you load YouTube fully you can read the lyrics in the first comment:
By gosh this one ran and ran. I updated the lyric later in the year for the Xmas Special (see below the YouTube) and casts themselves tweaked the lyrics as they went along, of course.
NEWS REVUE TONIGHT
(To the Tune of “Comedy Tonight”)
VERSE 1
MAJOR: Someone familiar,
PAISLEY: Someone peculiar,
GIRLS: Wierdos from everywhere at News Revue tonight;
BLOKES: Lee Clegg’s appealing,
GIRLS: Aitken’s appalling,
ALL: No pardons anywhere at News Review tonight.
MIDDLE EIGHT 1
GIRLS: Nothing that brings share options down,
BLOKES: Bring on Ken Clarke in place of the clowns
GIRLS: Old exploitations,
BLOKES: New corporations,
ALL: Something to make the boss contrite;
CLIMAX 1
ALL: Barbican tomorrow,
News Revue tonight.
VERSE 2
GIRLS: Naff social diaries,
BLOKES: The Scott enquiry,
ALL: Sleaze factor everywhere at News Revue tonight;
BLOKES: Serbs’ revolution,
GIRLS: Scots’ devolution,
ALL: Side splitting everywhere at News Revue tonight.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2
GIRLS: Nothing with French nuclear tests,
BLOKES: Show us Paul Gascoigne’s Liz Hurly breasts.
GIRLS: News that reflects life,
BLOKES: Bill Clinton’s sex life,
ALL: Satire that puts the world to right;
Below is my Xmas Special lyric, dated 30 November 1995:
NEWS REVUE TONIGHT – XMAS SPECIAL VERSION
(To the Tune of “Comedy Tonight”)
VERSE 1
MAJOR: Someone familiar,
PAISLEY: Someone peculiar,
GIRLS: Wierdos from everywhere at News Revue tonight;
BLOKES: Tax cuts appealing,
GIRLS: Budget’s appaulling,
ALL: Christmas is coming here at News Review tonight.
MIDDLE EIGHT 1
GIRLS: Nothing that brings share options down,
BLOKES: Bring on Ken Clarke in place of the clowns
GIRLS: Old exploitations,
BLOKES: New corporations,
ALL: Something to make the boss contrite;
CLIMAX 1
ALL: Barbican tomorrow,
News Revue tonight.
VERSE 2
GIRLS: Di’s social diaries,
BLOKES: The Scott enquiry,
ALL: Sleaze factor everywhere at News Revue tonight;
BLOKES: Serbs’ revolution,
GIRLS: Scots’ devolution,
ALL: Side splitting everywhere at News Revue tonight.
MIDDLE EIGHT 2
GIRLS: Nothing with French nuclear tests,
BLOKES: Show us exploding silicon breasts.
GIRLS: News that reflects life,
BLOKES: Bill Clinton’s sex life,
ALL: Satire that puts the world to right;
