Tag: Canal Cafe Theatre

Paula & Daryl Letter, NewsRevue Submission, 16 July 1995

Paula will be Paula Tappenden of course, but can I for the life of me remember Daryl’s surname? I have a mental picture of him, but no surname. I’m hoping that John Random spots this one and puts me right.

Update: John Random has given me the Boot – i.e. reminded me (on The Shit Of Araby lyric as it happens) that Daryl was, of course, named Daryl Boot. An excellent performer as well as director.

Usual blah blah about the neat table becoming a list because Amipro tables won’t convert.

Paula & Daryl
News Revue

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
AUGUST – SEPTEMBER 1995 RUN

Dear Paula & Daryl

Great to have you both back!! This starter pack consists some songs currently in the show, some previously unperformed ones and revamps of one or two which have come back into fashion as it were. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing you both soon.

Song Title / Original Title/ Artist on Tape

Aprox. No. of weeks performed 7+ 4-6 1-3 New

side 1

i’m not in power / i’m not in love / 10cc – New

i can sing a rainbow warrior / NO RECORDING – SORRY – New

jimmy knapp / jimmy mack/martha & the vandellas – 1-3

sealed syphilis / sealed with a kiss/brian hyland – New

vanessa mae / enola gay / omd – 4-6

jumping mick jagger / jumping jack flash / rolling stones – 4-6

crap tarantino man / son of a preacher man / dusty springfield – New

the shit of araby / the sheikh of araby / spike jones – New

posy band / perfect day / lou reed – New

Letter To Maggie, NewsRevue, 14 July 1995

I assume this was Maggie Danylewycz, who directed several times. Usual apologies for the shoddy looking list where the neat and tidy Amipro table used to be, but the facts about the submissions are all there to be seen. I think Maggie used a few of mine that year in Edinburgh.

No idea what her pricing problems were. Someone might know and chime in one day.

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
EDINBURGH 1995 RUN

Dear Maggie

This starter pack consists mainly of songs which have been in the show and have a good chance of still being topical or becoming topical again for Edinburgh (e.g. VE Day stuff becomes VJ Day stuff). There are also one or two unperformed ones. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know. I’ll send you brand new ones as I write them.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

I hope you have resolved your pricing problems; do let me know what you finally resolved. I look forward to seeing you soon.

Song Title/Original Title/Artist on Tape

Aprox. No. of weeks performed 7+ 4-6 1-3 New

side 1

i’ll never find another job/i’ll never find another you/seekers 7+

newt gingrich/moon river / danny williams New

privatise/bright eyes/art garfunkle 7+

oj’s girl/bobby’s girl/marcie blaine 7+

have i the right? / have i the right? / honeycombs 4-6

bye bye barings / bye bye baby / bay city rollers 4-6

crap tarrantino man/son of a preacher man/dusty springfield New

the shit of araby/the sheik of araby/spike jones New

posy band perfect day/lou reed New

lilley the prick lilley the pink/scaffold New

side 2

ve day medley x 2 many ghastly ww2 songs sung badly by soldiers 4-6
vanessa mae / enola gay / omd 4-6
jumping mick jagger / jumping jack flash / rolling stones 4-6

The Redwood Challenge, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 June 1995

Another Tory rebel lyric, this time about John Redwood. I really like this one, but I’m not sure it was used much, if at all. Hard to perform.

I have subsequently met John Redwood. While I would sometimes change my opinion on a person (e.g. the extent of their humourlessness) after meeting them, in this case I wouldn’t change a single word.

THE REDWOOD CHALLENGE
(To the Tune of “Whip Crack Away” with optional ejaculations by Mr Redwood)
VERSE 1

Oh the Redwood challenge’s comin’ on over the place,
He’s a right wing humourless Tory from outer space;
Don’t take a poke – he won’t get the joke
(REDWOOD: What joke?),
Whip John away, whip John away, whip John away.

VERSE 2

John Redwood’s tough on Europe and tough on crime,
Attilla The Hun with buckets of right wing slime;
Cane folk who mug – and seize cocaine drugs,
Whip crack away, whip crack away, whip crack away.
(REDWOOD: Is that meant to be funny?)

MIDDLE EIGHT

His challenge will be fought, I’d have thought,
For his right wing think tank;
And when at home alone he likes a quick wank.
(REDWOOD: Are you coves lampooning me?)

VERSE 3

John Redwood’s policies sound like a heap of shit,
Not takin’ the piss cos the bastard’s a humourless git;
(REDWOOD: Ha. That’s a joke. I think.)
Birch marks go septic – with this Eurosceptic,
Whip John again, whip John again, whip John again.

(REDWOOD: Could you repeat the line about cocaine please, I think I got the joke)

Seize more cocaine – that bad pun again,
Whip crack away, whip crack away, whip crack away.

(REDWOOD: No, I still don’t get it)

Whip John away!!!!! (Chorus drags Redwood off)

Here is a YouTube of Doris Day singing The Deadwood Stage, with the lyrics in the text area below the vid:

A Precise Letter To Robert Miles Regarding Vanessa-Mae, NewsRevue, 13 June 1995

Some attention to detail here, on my part, viz my Vanessa-Mae song.

They did use the song, but whether or not they corrected the mistake without further prompting I have no idea. The version I saved on my machine and have upped to Ogblog – here – was already corrected.

It seems I was unable to spell her name 100% right though – her hyphen is missing. Oh well.

Robert Miles                        13 June 1995
News Revue
Dear Robert

VANESSA MAE

Hope all is going well towards the new show.

I have just read that Vanessa Mae is in fact sixteen (not eighteen as stated in verse two of the song). As sixteen also scans and rhymes, please substitute correct age if you are going to use the song.

See you all shortly.
Cheers
Ian Harris

Vanessa-Mae, NewsRevue Lyric, 10 June 1995

This one did very well in NewsRevue. I’m not sure that the then teenager Vanessa-Mae deserved quite such harsh treatment, but life’s not always fair and by gosh did she strike gold as a star despite.

Writing in April 2017, I realise that this lyric wouldn’t need too much work to be topical and nasty about a certain prime minister…

…wouldn’t help/can’t be bothered.

VANESSA MAE
(To the Tune of “Enola Gay”)

VERSE 1

Vanessa Mae,
Prancing about just like an easy lay;
It’s such a sin,
The way you desecrate the violin.

That piece you slay,
I’d like to hear it done the proper way,
Oh, oh Vanessa Mae,
It’s such a fiddle with the crap you play.

INSTRUMENTAL 1

(Vanessa comically fiddles away at the instrumental bit of the tune)

VERSE 2

Vanessa Mae,
Why do they have to dress you up that way,
You pout and fawn,
As if your instrument is the French horn;

You’re just sixteen,
But heaven knows where on earth you’ve been,
I saw you pouting on the video,
Like an exponent of the pink oboe.

INSTRUMENTAL 2

(Vanessa even more comically fiddles away at the instrumental bit of the tune)

VERSE 3

Vanessa Mae,
Now JS Bach is turning in his grave,
Your awful goal,
Is scratching out Baroque and Roll;

Those ancient strains,
Sound like the soundtracks of computer games,
Vanessa Mae,
Just wish the stupid cow would go away, hey.

Here is Orchestral Maneuvers In The Dark (OMD) singing Enola Gay, with lyrics on the screen. If you don’t like synthesised music, don’t click:

Sealed Syphilis, NewsRevue Lyric, 5 June 1995

Sexually Transmitted Infections don’t particularly lend themselves to comedy. I’m not sure this lyric breaks that rule either.

Still, it is a summer song – from June 1995. The version below was re-submitted (perhaps tweaked) in November 1995. I don;t think it was used then either.

SEALED SYPHILIS
(To the Tune of “Sealed With a Kiss”)
CHORUS 1

‘Tho’ we’re gonna get well laid for the summer,
Darling I promise you this;
I’ll give you all my love but I’ll wear a French letter,
So you won’t get Syphilis.

CHORUS 2

Yes it’s gonna be a gel coated rubber,
And I’ll fill its emptiness;
I’ll give you my pork sword, but I’ll wear a French letter,
Cos it hurts me when I piss.

MIDDLE EIGHT

You won’t get any herpes,
I’ll spare your parts from my Trich;
We’ll catch the germs in my clap trap,
And darling you’ll miss the Itch.

CHORUS 3

I don’t wanna wear this cold, lonely rubber,
Knowing the love I’ll miss;
So let me make a pledge to clean up my member,
No more urithritis.

CHORUS 4

Yes its gonna be a cold lonely rubber,
But I’ll fill it none the less;
And I shall soon attend the STD clinic,
And clear my syphilis,
And have a painless piss.

Here’s Brian Hyland singing Sealed With A Kiss, with lyrics on the screen:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pFEu_fVMe0

Oh My Papa, NewsRevue Lyric, 5 June 1995

The Maxwell trial. Big news in 1995. Not sure if this lyric was used, but for sure the story featured in the show.

“OH MY ” – PAPA
(To the Tune of “Oh My Papa”)

And now we go over to the Old Bailey, where Ian and Kevin Maxwell are about to sing the case for the defence.

VERSE 1

Oh my papa, to me he was so wonderful,
Oh my papa, Bob Maxwell was his name;
No one could be, so bent and so corruptible,
Oh my papa, he’s left his folks with shame.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Gone are the days,
When he would rape his pension funds,
And with a smile,
He’d change his bucks to bad debts.

VERSE 2

Oh my papa, so fat and so detestable,
Always spoke loud and treated staff like slaves;
Oh my papa, he made our lives so comfortable,
Here in the dock I wish he’d gone away.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

Gone are the days,
When he would take me on his yacht,
With just one leap,
He dumped his sons up shit creek.

VERSE 3

Oh my papa to pensioners so criminal,
I’m in my cell while he burns deep in hell;
Oh my papa, oh my papa.

Here is Eddie Fisher singing Oh My Papa:

Here is a link to the original lyrics.

Submission To Robert Miles, NewsRevue, 5 June 1995

Usual blah blah about neat letter with table that won’t translate from Amipro properly…

Robert Miles
News Revue

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING
JUNE-JULY 1995 RUN

Dear Robert

This starter pack consists of songs currently in the show, previously unperformed ones and revamps of one or two which have come back into fashion as it were. If you want me to work on a rewrite of an old chestnut of mine that you might have uncovered in the archive, just let me know.

Call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige. Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I am happy to change them on request.

Good luck and I look forward to seeing you soon.

Song Title Original Title/Artist on Tape

Aprox. No. of weeks performed 7+ 4-6 1-3 New

side 1

“oh my” papa / oh my papa/eddie fisher – New

i’m not sure / are you sure/the allisons – New

sealed syphilis / sealed with a kiss/brian hyland – New

sunbed / sunny/bobby hebb – 1-3

i’ll never find another job / i’ll never find another you/seekers – 4-6

jimmy knapp / jimmy mack/martha & the vandellas – 1-3

rugby love / puppy love/paul anka – New

matchinner, matchwinner / matchmaker, matchmaker/fiddler on the roof – New

we’re in the mood for grafting / i’m in the mood for dancing/nolans
– no recording, sorry – New

We’re In The Mood For Grafting, NewsRevue Lyric, 23 May 1995

Sometimes I tweaked and resubmitted lyrics because the song was being used and needed updating. Sometimes I tweaked in an attempt to get a song used. This was the latter. Unsuccessfully, I am pretty sure. July version below the vid.

WE’RE IN THE MOOD FOR GRAFTING
(To the Tune of “I’m in the Mood For Dancing”)
ANNOUNCER: And now we present, that well known all singing all dancing Government enquiry: the Nolans.

CHORUS 1

We’re in the mood for grafting,
Three in a bed shafting,
We do it the Tory way;
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Feeble excuse crafting,
We’ve all been caught out today.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Grafting grafting,
We’re in the mood;
Rafting rafting,
We’re also crude;
Shafting shafting,
You’ve all been screwed,
Die laughing.

CHORUS 2

We’re in the mood for rake offs,
Police accountant make offs,
With cash that could be a bung;
We’re in the poo for sharing,
Without declaring,
We’ve even ripped off this song.

(Enter policeman)

POLICEMAN: Oy, you lot. Is that huge wad of cash your royalty money for this song?

NOLANS: (reluctantly admit that it is)

POLICEMAN: Hand it over then. That’s vital police evidence that is.

(Nolans reluctantly hand over huge wad of cash and exeunt muttering displeasure)

POLICEMAN: (Exit, saying) Mmmm, nice wad. Should buy me two or three questions in the House of Commons that should. Or me entrance fee to the Masons.

Below are my tweaked July 1995 lyrics:

WE’RE IN THE MOOD FOR GRAFTING
(To the Tune of “I’m in the Mood For Dancing”)
ANNOUNCER: And now we present, that well known all singing all dancing Government enquiry into standards in public life: the Nolans.

CHORUS 1

Oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh-oooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh-h-h-ooh-ooh,
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Three in a bed shafting,
Oooh – we do it the Tory way;
We’re in the mood for grafting,
Feeble excuse crafting,
Oooh – we’ve all been caught out today.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Grafting grafting,
We’re in the mood, Tories, rack up director’s pay;
Oooh – shafting shafting,
You’ve all been screwed, lately, so underneath the carpet this must stay.

CHORUS 2

We’re in the mood for rake offs,
Police accountant make offs,
Oooh – with cash that could be a bung;
We’re in the poo for sharing,
Without declaring,
But you’ll never find, backshish that’s gone;
But MP’s don’t mind, we’ve even ripped off this song.
Oooh-oooh-oooh, oooh-oooh-oooh…………

(Enter policeman)

POLICEMAN: Oy, you lot. Is that huge wad of cash your royalty money for this song?

NOLANS: (reluctantly admit that it is)

POLICEMAN: Hand it over then. That’s vital police evidence that is.

(Nolans reluctantly hand over huge wad of cash and exeunt muttering displeasure)

POLICEMAN: (Exit, saying) Mmmm, nice wad. Should buy me two or three questions in the House of Commons that should. Or me admission fee to the local Masonic lodge.

Wheel Vera Lynn, NewsRevue Lyric And Beyond, 24 April 1995

The following quickie formed part of a medley – well in the end several different medleys, but initially a VE Day Labour medley – click here.

But I’m writing this up today, 20 March 2017, on Vera Lynn’s 100th birthday.

It is strange re-reading this quickie today.

At the time, 1995, when Vera Lynn was a sprightly 78 year old, I think it was funny and it certainly went down very well. It was used/reused many times in NewsRevue – the VE Day and general 50th anniversary of the war ending stories ran and ran in the news and this was ideal material for that.

But now that Vera Lynn is 100, the song no longer has the same humour to it. Usually the passage of time makes material easier to laugh about, but in this case, the passage of time has the opposite effect.

Still, imagine the 50th anniversary of VE day; imagine wall-to-wall Vera Lynn on the radio and TV and you should still get the jokes.

Wheel Vera Lynn, out again, what a din,

Yes they’ll wheel out Vera Lynn despite her years;

Keeps crooning through, although she’s ninety two,

But they wheel out Vera Lynn to raise the tears.

 

That Vera still bangs the drum, for a six figure sum,

She will sing you a song;

You’ll be moved and be charmed, even ‘tho’ she’s embalmed

And her talent’s all gone.

 

Wheel Vera Lynn, out again, what a din,

And they’ll wheel out Vera Lynn each fifty years.

Ben Murphy used it on one of his albums – a wonderful rendition at the end of a medley, which included my VE Day Labour Medley – click here – and some of his own material.

 

Click here or below for a lyric-strewn YouTube of the original song, We’ll Meet Again, sung by Vera Lynn.