Tag: Canal Cafe Theatre

Norman the Chancellor, N M Rothchild Version, Topical Lyric, 20 September 1993

I’ve said most of the things I want to say about this story and song in the posting for the original, May 1993 version of this song, so you can follow this link if you wish.

In May, I had a hunch that Norman Lamont would make a subsequent pile in the City and by September it had been announced that he was joining the Board of N M Rothchild.

The line about Lamont buying stuff in Threshers was based on a big news story a few months before alleging that Lamont bought cheap champagne and cigarettes in The Praed Street branch of Threshers on an over the limit credit card; a story that it seems was partially fabricated – click link for The Independent factual account.

Soon after, Lamont must have moved even closer to my W2 residence, as I went through a phase of seeing him on the main strip of Notting Hill Gate, shuffling along in his inimitable manner. We even had a branch of Threshers along there at the time, which added to my fun at the sightings. But I never saw him go in to Threshers.  On that N M Rothchild stipend, I suspect that Norman was buying more expensive booze than the Threshers kind and that his credit limit was, by then, more manageable/much bigger.

In truth I prefer the simplicity of the May 1993 original version, but I do recall the cast making hay with the “children and teacher” setting of this N M Rothchild version of the song:

♬ NORMAN THE CHANCELLOR – N M ROTHCHILD VERSION ♬

(To the Tune of “Nellie The Elephant”)

TEACHER:Gather round children.  I’m going to tell you a story about a nasty grey man who made your mummies and daddies all very poor.  And who made himself very very rich.

 

VERSE

One grey day,

A cabinet shuffle came;

The people said they were badly lead,

And Norman got the blame.

Some may say,

Lamont is a merchant banker; (children giggle, TEACHER:  settle down children)

So Norman smiled, joined N M Rothchild,

And called Major to say…… “thank ya”.  (perhaps children mouth “wanker”)

 

CHORUS

Oh, Norman the Chancellor left the bunch,

And said goodbye to John’s circus;

Since the pound had gone bumpety bump, bump, bump, bump.

Norman the Chancellor did some lunch,

And said hello to the city;

He’ll get rich in the slumpety slump, slump, slump, slump.

 

MIDDLE BIT

Directorships were calling far far away,

He stopped and bought,

His cigars and port,

In a Threshers on the way.

 

OUTRO

So, Norman it’s evident had a hunch,

To make himself pots of money,

When he screwed up the country’s account,

Count, cunt, cunt.

(TEACHER:children, really!)

BLACKOUT

Johnny Maggie, NewsRevue Lyric, 19 September 1993

Some good lines in this one but I have a feeling it wasn’t used. I had plenty in the show at that time and perhaps this wasn’t my strongest political lyric when taken as a whole.

JOHNNY MAGGIE _

(To the Tune of “Johnny Reggae”)
 
INTRO
 
CHORUS:What’s he like Margaret?
MAGGIE:He’s a real dreary geezer.
 
VERSE 1 – MAGGIE THATCHER
 
He’s going bald a bit and he’s been in power much too long;
And he wears a nylon tie with the label “C&A” on;
He always makes a cock up when decisions cross his path,
He’s stupid over cricket,
And he couldn’t run a bath.
 
CHORUS 1 – CHORUS
 
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie,
Slag off Johnny Maggie,
Johnny Major Maggie,
Lay it on him;
Maggie, Maggie, Maggie,
In your memoirs Maggie,
Slag off Johnny Maggie,
Blame it on him.
 
VERSE 2 – JOHNNY MAJOR
 
While still in power she promised she would go on and on;
And most of Maggie’s memoirs are like a dose of Mogadon;
Her publishers were anxious cos they want a best seller;
They told her “spice it up a bit,
Slag off that Major fellah.”
 
CHORUS 2 – CHORUS
 
Maggie is a menace,
She slurs more than Dennis,
Her book shook John then it’s
Hit the stalls;
Johnny tried to cage her,
But he can’t upstage her,
Maggie’s got John Major by the balls!!!

Below is a video of The Piglets singing Johnny Reggae:

Here is a link to the lyrics of Johnny Reggae.

Thank Devon For Liberals, NewsRevue Lyric, 19 September 1993

Paddy Ashdown was the leader of the Liberal Democrats at that time. The party wasn’t doing very well. Plus ca change (he writes in 2019)…

THANK DEVON FOR LIBERALS

(To the Tune of “Thank Heaven For Little Girls”)
 
INTRO
 
When Paddy Ashdown took the lead,
In 1987;
He saw the Parliamentary map,
And smiled and said,
 
CHORUS – PADDY ASHDOWN
 
Thank Devon for Liberals,
For Devon has the seats we tend to get;
Thank Devon for Liberals,
Tho’ my own Yeovil seat’s in Somerset.
 
Those by-election gains elsewhere that so astonish,
When it’s a general,
They stall,
And quickly vanish.
 
Thank Devon for Liberals,
Be thankful for Torquay,
Where we can hold our photo jogs,
Forget about the Fascist
Isle of Dogs.

Here is Maurice Chevalier singing Thank Heaven For Little Girls:

Here is a link to the lyrics of thank Heaven For Little Girls.

The Yasser Kissing Song, NewsRevue Lyric, 12 September 1993

This lyric ran and ran in NewsRevue, done by several different casts performed in various ways.

There was a sense of optimism about the Middle East peace process that autumn. Yitzhak Rabin was pushing hard for a peace deal on the Israeli side and Yasser Arafat was also doing the diplomacy rounds. The Oslo Accord was signed the day after I wrote this lyric.

I press the above point, because, writing in 2019 with peace seeming further away than ever, such a lighthearted and irreverent lyric would seem inappropriate; unhelpful even.

But the fact of the matter was that peace seemed ever so close, Rabin was the distant handshake type and Yasser was definitely the kissing type. Perhaps unfortunately, a kiss never happened between those two leaders.

I have found a 2018/2019 equivalent asymmetric kiss between Theresa May and Jean-Claude Juncker, which has the requisite lack of mutual enthusiasm as I envisaged it for Rabin and Arafat. And let’s face it, the kissing doesn’t seem to be helping the Brexit process – click here.

Below is the actual, famous September 1993 handshake, with all that hope and promise that went with it, the day after I wrote the Yasser Kissing Song lyric:

Next up, the Yasser Kissing Song lyric:

THE YASSER KISSING SONG

(To the Tune of “It’s In His Kiss”)
 
INTRO
 
He’s so ugly, slimy and fat,
I don’t wanna kiss from Yasser Arafat.
 
VERSE 1
 
{Does he shake your hand?}
Not in the Middle East,
{We don’t understand}
You’ll get a snog at least;
If you have a chat with Yasser Arafat,
You’ll get a kiss {smack on the lips},
Oh yeh, you’ll get a kiss {that’s how it is}.
 
VERSE 2
 
{One day he’s in Amman}
Embracing King Hussein,
{Then kissing in Oman}
Then schmoozing on his plane;
Watch those Sultans glow once that Yasser goes,
Back to Tunis {that’s where he lives},
Oh no, they don’t want his {dalliances}.
 
MIDDLE BIT
 
Kiss him and squeeze him tight,
To influence the PLO – vote;
Just make sure that he doesn’t stick,
His tongue down your throat.
 
VERSE 3
 
{About his huge tea towel}
Oh no, it’s a keffiyeh,
The way he wears it is awfully queer;
But the PLO have got Jerico,
And Gaza strip {we want his peace},
Oh yeh but not his kiss,
Smack on the lips !!!!!

Below is Cher singing It’s In His Kiss with the lyrics on the screen:

Submission To Paul McQuirk’s NewsRevue Run, 12 September 1993

LIST OF SONGS SUBMITTED AND TAPE TRACK LISTING

PAUL MCQUIRK SEPTEMBER-OCTOBER 1993 RUN
 
Dear Paul
 
I enclose your starter pack of lyrics and tape for my current offerings.  The pack includes some very new ones, some rewrites of older ones and some that have been cruelly overlooked before but still have life in them. 
 
Please do call me and let me know if you are short of any subjects or styles and I shall try to oblige.  Also, if any of these need a bit of rewrite then I shall be happy to change them on request.
 
See you soon.

The Labour Chorus, NewsRevue Lyric, 8 September 1993

For some reason, the Labour Party had chosen the main theme from the fourth movement of Brahms’s first symphony as its party anthem at that time.

I like the symphony and the tune but wasn’t sure about it as a Labour motif.

I’m not sure when or if this one was used. The log says I wrote it 8 September but the electronic file is dated 23 October, so I might have tinkered or just resubmitted to the next run.

Some good lines, I think. And Brahms.

THE LABOUR CHORUS

(To the Tune of Brahms Symphony No 1 Mov IV, “Labour Theme” bit)
 
CHORUS 1
 
We’re the Labour chorus,
We’re not really that left wing;
The voters ignore us,
Because of the songs we sing;
As,
They find it a drag,
To hear the red flag,
They hate it irrational-ly;
And get a fright,
When the workers unite,
To sing the Internationale…….
 
CHORUS 2 (which starts two notes before the end of chorus 1)
 
…..We’re the Labour chorus,
The unions are up in arms;
Cos John Smith implored us,
To sing you a tune by Brahms;
Who,
Was bourgeois and dead,
And not very red,
Which is much like the Labour move-ment;
John Smith will gloat,
As he dumps the block vote,
To start to build Labour’s improvement………
 
CHORUS 3 (which starts two notes before the end of chorus 2)
 
…..We’re the Labour chorus,
We sing when we’ve drunk some jars;
This tune ought to bore us,
Cos we’ve only learnt twelve bars;
But,
We’re up in the polls,
And wait for our roles,
In the Government bathed in glor-y;
‘Tho’ in the end,
Half those voters intend,
To swop sides and vote bloody Tory!!!!

Here’s the Chicago Symphony Orchestra under James Levine playing that Brahms movement. The Labour Chorus theme emerges for the first time after 5’10”. Then it reappears periodically.

https://youtu.be/JWuVEFwT5fw

I tweaked this lyric and re-released it in the autumn of 1994:

THE LABOUR CHORUS AUTUMN 1994 REMIX
(To the Tune of Brahms Symphony No 1 Mov IV, “Labour Theme” bit)
CHORUS 1
We’re the Labour chorus,
We’re not really that left wing;
The voters ignore us,
Because of the songs we sing;
As,
They find it a drag,
To hear the red flag,
They hate it irrational-ly;
And get a fright,
When the workers unite,
To sing the Internationale…….
CHORUS 2 (which starts two notes before the end of chorus 1)
…..We’re the Labour chorus,
The unions are up in arms;
Cos Tony implored us,
To sing you a tune by Brahms;
Who,
Was bourgeois and dead,
And not very red,
Like John Smith, whom we gave applause for,
Tories will gloat,
Now we’ve dumped the block vote,
And started to row over clause four………
CHORUS 3 (which starts two notes before the end of chorus 2)
…..We’re the Labour chorus,
We sing when we’ve drunk some jars;
This tune ought to bore us,
Cos we’ve only learnt twelve bars;
But,
We’re up in the polls,
And wait for our roles,
In the Government bathed in glor-y;
‘Tho’ in the end,
Half those voters intend,
To swap sides and vote bloody Tory!!!!

I did another minor rewrite of this lyric in 1997. The reference to “Such” is Screaming Lord Such, who ran as a Monster Raving Loony in every election for decades.:

LABOUR CHORUS 1997 REMIX
To the Tune of Brahms Symphony No 1 Mov IV, “Labour Theme” bit)
CHORUS 1
We’re the Labour chorus,
We’re not really that left wing;
Some voters ignore us,
Because of the songs we sing;
As,
They find it a drag,
To hear the red flag,
They hate it irrational-ly;
And get a fright,
When the workers unite,
To sing the Internationale…….
CHORUS 2 (which starts two notes before the end of chorus 1)
…..We’re the Labour chorus,
The unions are up in arms;
Cos young Blaire implored us,
To sing you a tune by Brahms;
Who,
Was bourgeois and dead,
And not very red,
Which is much like the Labour move-ment;
Tony was sure,
That to chuck out Clause Four,
Was the way to Labour’s improvement………
CHORUS 3 (which starts two notes before the end of chorus 2)
…..We’re the Labour chorus,
We sing when we’ve drunk some jars;
This tune ought to bore us,
Cos we’ve only learnt twelve bars;
But,
We’re up in the polls,
And wait for our roles,
In the Government bathed in glor-y;
We’ve changed so much,
Might as well vote for Such,
Or swop sides and vote bloody Tory!!!!

Broken Glass/Heineken Voiceover, NewsRevue Lyric and Quickie, 28 August 1993

What a gift for the satirists during the slow news part of the summer – glass found in lager. All a bit obvious, but it had to be done.

BROKEN GLASS

(A quickie song to the Tune of “Breaking Glass” plus voiceover)
 
The voiceover may be useable after another song or sketch on this news item.
 
The song and voiceover are independent of one another.
 
THE QUICKIE SONG
 
Lately,
There’s been;
Broken glass in my Heineken.
 
See.
 
(Takes a glass of cooled Heineken and drinks from it)
 
It’s such a wonderful lager.
 
(starts to choke)
 
But it’s got problems:
 
Ugh, ugh, ugh, ugh
 
THE VOICEOVER
 
(Chirpy Danish voice)
 
Only Heineken can do this.
 
Because Heineken defleshes the parts other beers cannot reach.
 
 

Here is David Bowie singing Breaking Glass with the lyrics on the screen.

Blame It On The Parents, NewsRevue Lyric (Probably Unused), 25 August 1993

More than 25 years later, as I write in March 2019, the topic of Michael Jackson and his unacceptable behaviour with children is still in the news. If anyone tells you that nobody knew and/or that nobody criticised “back then”, you can at least point to this 1993 lyric.

BLAME IT ON THE PARENTS

(Quickie to the Tune of “Blame it on the Boogie”)
 
VERSE 1
 
Most people say I’m funky,
‘Tho’ I look like a junky,
And I love my pet monkey,
That’s no lie.
 
I played my gigs in Thailand,
It really should be my land,
Cos messing round with kids out there is fine.
 
CHORUS 1
 
Don’t blame it on the skin graft,
Don’t blame it on the face lift,
Don’t blame it on the bleach bath;
Blame it on the parents.
 
Don’t blame it on the child star,
Don’t blame it on the fruit cake,
Just blame it on the bad pa,
Blame it on the parents.
 
OUTRO
 
(Dance off singing)
I just can’t, I just can’t, I just can’t control my prick;
I just can’t, I just can’t, I just can’t control my prick….

Below is a video with Michael Jackson singing Blame It On The Boogie with the lyrics on the screen:

Someone Else, NewsRevue Lyric, 23 August 1993

This was a story that ran and ran. John Demjanjuk was, over many decades, tied up in the judicial system in many countries accused and at times convicted of war crimes and crimes against humanity dusing the Nazi era.

This lyric covered but one of the many wrangles over those decades, when Demjanjuk’s conviction for being a particular Ivan the Terrible was overturned. It is quite possible that he was some other Ivan The Terrible though. He died in 2012 with elements of the matter unresolved/still pending appeal.

I’m not sure the lyric was ever used. The idea of jurisdictions trying to avoid having to ddeal with tough cases of this kind seems as relevant as I write in 2019 as it did in 1993. I think the closing line of this lyric is pretty darned good, though I say so myself.

SOMEONE ELSE

(To the Tune of “Something Else”)
 
VERSE 1
 
Well looky there,
In Tel Aviv;
There goes that Demyanuk,
If he’s a Nazi he would make me puke;
But judges have their doubts in Israel,
The evidence was terrible that sent him to jail;
So now those judges are a-sayin’ to themselves;
“He sure ain’t Ivan, man,
He’s someone else”.
 
VERSE 2
 
Well looky there,
In USA;
They thought the case was dead,
They want Demyanuk like a hole in the head;
The locals will protest and Jews complain,
The Fed will extradite Demyanuk to the Ukraine;
So now those frightened nations are all sayin’ to themselves;
“We sure ain’t trying him,
Try somewhere else”.

Given the context, the Sid Vicious version of the song “Something Else”, with lyrics on the screen, seems suitable:

Ain’t Got No…I’ll Revive, NewsRevue Lyric, 16 August 1993

The log says I write this 16 August 1993 but I certainly revived it in Amipro 17 October 1994 – doesn’t look as though I changed it much if at all.

Probably unused in 1993, possibly unused full stop.

I rather like it.

AIN’T GOT NO….I’LL REVIVE
(To the Tune of “Ain’t Got No…I Got Life” from “Hair”)

(Outrageous Hair type wigs and costumes could make this number. The song works equally well in plural as in singular….we ain’t, we got, etc)

AIN’T GOT NO…

I ain’t got no tune, ain’t got no tone,
Ain’t got no rhythm, ain’t got no score,
Ain’t got no beat, ain’t got no chorus,
Ain’t got no music, ain’t got no key, ain’t got no chords.

I ain’t got no texture, ain’t got no structure,
Ain’t got no drama, ain’t got no lyric,
Ain’t got no pitch, ain’t got no scale,
Ain’t got no tempo. ain’t got no gusto, ain’t got no plot.

MIDDLE BIT

Ohhhhh what have I got, I’ve no new hit musicals?
Ohhhhh what is in stock, all the new ones are balls.

I GOT……

I got Hair, I got Grease,
I got Cats, I got Chess;
I got Mame, Guys and Dolls,
And Joseph and Kiss Me Kate.

Got Annie and Gypsy,
And Gigi, and Tommy,
Carmen Jones, Carousel,
And Cabaret to reinstate.

I got Evita to repeat,
I got Starlight to reignite;
I may get Show Boat back afloat,
I’ll redo Godspell’s, Chorus Line.

I’ll reprise,
I’ve got old chest-nuts,
To revive!!!!

Here’s Nina Simone singing Ain’t Got No…I Got Life, with lyrics on the screen: