Tag: Canal Cafe Theatre

As Time Goes By or They Flew From Tuscany, NewsRevue Sketch and Medley, 10 October 1992

This was the version of this sketch/medley that was actually used. It is much better than the original version – click here for that – but the original version is interesting because I wrote it before Black Wednesday.

Pearls before swine, my economic predictions, pearls before swine.

Anyway, this post crisis version is funnier. There is an in-between version written a week or so  before – click here – I’m guessing that the director suggested improvements, e.g. switching Gini Bottomley out and Lady Thatcher in, which did make for a funnier sketch.

The early evening show at the Canal Cafe at that time was called “As Time Goes By” – some sort of musical retrospective of 1940s material, which made this sketch/medley especially fitting.

AS TIME GOES BY – NEW IMPROVED VERSION

or THEY FLEW FROM TUSCANY (A Sketch and Medley of Sterling 1940’s Songs)

 

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

 

John Major (Johnny)

Gillian Shepherd (Jilly)

Lady Thatcher (Maggie)

Norman Lamont (Fartface)

 

THE SKETCH

 

(VOICEOVER:And now, for those of you who missed the early evening show – here is an exert from “As Time Goes By”)

 

(The pianist tinkles away at the Second Movement of Rachmaninov’s Second Piano Concerto – a la Brief Encounter.  The music is adagio sostenuto, the voices are staccato.  Paula Tappenden knows all about it.  We start with just Johnny and Jilly on stage.)

 

JILLY:Johnny.

 

JOHNNY:Jilly.

 

JILLY:Oh Johnny.  What’s happened to the economy?

 

JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving us a bally barney, Jilly.  The pound’s doing terribly.

 

JILLY:What about Yankee Doodle Dandy?

 

JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving Yankee Doodle Dandy a bally barney too, Jilly.  The dollar’s doing awfully.

 

JILLY:Oh Johnny.

 

JOHNNY:Oh Jilly.  What are you doing for the old effort?

 

JILLY:I’m in employment.

 

JOHNNY:Gosh, that is unusual these days.

 

JILLY:In the ministry.  Oh Johnny,  this darned economy’s simply ruining all our lives.  I’m sorry.  I’m acting like a bally fool.

 

(Enter Maggie)

 

MAGGIE:Johnny, the economy’s going horribly.

 

JOHNNY:Terribly.

 

MAGGIE:Awfully.  And what about the Treaty?

 

JOHHNY:(offers her a sweety)  Have a choccy, Maggie.

 

MAGGIE:I mean the Maastricht Treaty.  (Maggie pokes her finger at Johnny’s lapel as she says) Johnny, I’ve warned you before, it is a ruinous straitjacket.

 

JOHNNY:(Brushing his lapel)  I thought it was rather trendy.  I got it on special offer in Marks and Spencer’s.

 

MAGGIE:Oh this is hopeless.  Where’s Normy?

 

JOHNNY:Out there in the treasury battling it out with Gerry.

 

MAGGIE:Oh God, I hope he isn’t going to do something silly.

 

(Enter Normy)

 

JOHNNY:Here he comes now, and I rather think we’re all going to do something silly.

 

JILLY:You don’t mean……

 

NORMY:Yes, we’re all going to sing a medley.

 

FALLING IN ERM

(In the Style of Marlene Dietrich to the tune of “Falling in Love again”)

 

I often stop and wonder, why stripy shirted men,

Financial markets plunder, sell pounds and buy yen.

We offer them low taxes, but still those city sharks,

With mobile phones and faxes, dump pounds for Deutchmarks.

 

Falling in ERM,

Sterling’s down the drain,

Valueless again,

So don’t hold it.

 

Falling in ERM,

Sterling is the pits,

Norman’s got the shits,

And can’t help us.

 

DON’T FUCK UP THE ECONOMY

(To the tune of “Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree”)

 

Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,

Anyone else but me, anyone else but me (no, no no);

Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,

We’re screwed financially.

 

We’ve devalued the currency with countries like Germany,

We’ll struggle internally, from now till eternity (no no no);

We’ve devalued the currency to purchasing parity,

With Spain and Italy.

 

WE’LL ERM

To the tune of “We’ll Meet Again”)

 

We’ll ERM don’t know why don’t know when,

But I know we’ll ERM our money pay.

Make Sterling true to the Mark and ECU,

Till the interest rate is ten percent a day.

 

Now we are not in at all,

But the pounds in free fall,

While the Deutchmark’s still strong;

And though Sterling’s now small,

Some of us still recall,

When we used to belong.

 

We’ll ERM don’t know why don’t know when,

It’ll cost us fourteen billion a day.

The above material was used quite a lot, not least the “Don’t Fuck Up The Economy” snippet which found its way into other medleys and even was sandwiched in a Ben Murphy medley in 1993 – I take no credit, nor demerits, for Ben’s other bits:

Here is a link to Marlene Dietrich singing “Falling In Love Again”…

…and below a link to the Andrews Sisters singing “Don’t Sit Under The Apple Tree”…

…and here’s Dame Vera Lynn singing “We’ll Meet Again”:

Snatchbroker, Snatchbroker, NewsRevue Lyric, 4 October 1992

This song was used in NewsRevue in late 1992 but I don’t think it made the Christmas run nor was it used in the early 1993 Bowden run.

Not my most subtle lyric.

I’m not sure it was especially topical either, other than (presumably) a revival of Fiddler on the Roof was on the go…but then there usually is a revival of that musical on somewhere.

 

♬ SNATCHBROKER SNATCHBROKER ♬

(A Song for Madame and Fresh Tart to the Tune of “Matchmaker Matchmaker”)

(MADAME:There’s no use you working here if you’re fussy, luv.  We have to put up with all sorts.  Accountants, judges, MPs, sports commentators, MPs who are also sports commentators…..)

 

FRESH TART:Snatchbroker, snatchbroker, hire out my snatch,

To men who’ll sleep, in the damp patch,

Snatchbroker, snatchbroker find one who’s clean,

With no germs that I may catch.

 

MADAME:Snatchworker snatchworker I’ll find the match,

Swallow his pride, straight down the hatch,

Snatchworker snatchworker he may well be,

A man who once worked for Thatch.

 

FRESH TART:Oh madame make him a lawyer,

Cos at least then he’ll stick to the rules;

MADAME:But my God the bastard will bore yer,

Cos they rarely know how to use their tools.

 

FRESH TART:Snatchbroker snatchbroker find me a man,

Who doesn’t need taking in hand;

MADAME:Fresh Tart, there’s one thing you must understand,

There’s not even one, in the land.

 

MADAME:Accountants won’t please you, cos they like to work in teams,

They take double entry to logical extremes,

But always pay the right money, true? true;

Try a politician, I may have the man for you,

Was in the cabinet (Aside: in ’62).

It is never easy cash, cos their ego’s hard to stand,

With their speeches and families and early day motions they don’t stay up for long.

 

FRESH TART:Snatchbroker snatchbroker thanks all the same,

I think that I’ll, keep off the game,

I’ll make some cash when I kiss and tell names,

BOTH:So tease your MPs,

No nights of vice,

No sucking toes,

No tax advice,

Until men come up to scratch.

Click here for a link to Matchmaker Matchmaker in the film of Fiddler On The Roof, with lyrics as subtitles. 

 

Midnight Plane To Jordan, NewsRevue Lyric, 3 October 1992

This one was too complicated by half. It would have been very difficult to sing/choreograph. It was a tricky subject (peace talks) and the choice of tune is slow for a comedy song.

I remember trying this out on/with work mates at a BDO Consulting training course. It didn’t go well, although we did have a laugh…at ourselves trying to sing it.

Still I submitted it a few times, including the January 1993 Bowden submission. I’m pretty sure to no avail.

If someone had simply come up with the guts to perform this lyric, I’m pretty sure that peace would have broken out in the Middle East. “Okay, okay, we’ll freeze settlements, we’ll stop terrorising people, just don’t sing us that dirgey song”.

 

♬ MIDNIGHT PLANE TO JORDAN ♬

(To the Tune of “Midnight Train to Georgia”)

VERSE 1

(VOICEOVER:Ladies and Gentlemen, Caesar’s Palace Las Vegas is proud to present, Gladys Flight and the Tips).

 

BA flew too far from Amman {too far from Amman, he couldn’t get there},

So he’s chartered a flight all of his own, oh-oh,

{He said he’s goin’} Said he’s goanna find the man {goanna find the man}

Ohhh-ohhh who runs Jordan land,

That peace talks left behind in the desert sand, oh no.

 

CHORUS 1

He’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan

{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh

Said he’s goin’ out to find {goin’ out to find}

An old King who’ll change his mind,

{Wherever he takes that flight, he’d better go and see that Hashemite}

Peace will be with him {I know it will}

On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}

He’d rather give up his oil {give up his oil}

Than let the peace talks decline {crude oil for peace this is not refined}

 

VERSE 2

He kept dreamin’ {dreamin’} ohhh that soon he would see Hussein

{that’s King Hussein, cos Saddam is insane}

And he’ll ask that Sunni whether he’ll come round soon for Dinar

{cash could make his dreams come true, ah-ha, oh-oh}

He’ll invite al-Assad {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}

And even Yitzhak Rabin {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}

But poor Yassar Arafat, has to take, the other’s scraps,

Oh yes he does, that’s how it is.

 

CHORUS 2

I know he’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan

{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh

Said he’s goin’ out to plan {goin’ out to plan}

A partition of the land

{He had better mediate, else it’s goanna be like ’48}

Peace will be with him {It better had}

On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}

He’ll have to find an accord {find an accord}

Where land is in high demand

(Repeat favourite bits  with ooh-oohs and aah-aahs while dancing off)

copyright © Ian Harris 1992

Click here or below for Gladys Knight and the Pips singing Midnight Train To Georgia with the original lyrics on the screen.

Here’s a revised version of the lyric which I tried again in September 1993:

MIDNIGHT PLANE TO JORDAN – PEACE TALKS VERSION

(To the Tune of “Midnight Train to Georgia”)
 
VERSE 1
 
El Al flew too far from Amman {too far from Amman, he couldn’t get there},
So he’s chartered a flight all of his own, oh-oh,
{I say he’s Warren} Say he’s Warren Christopher {Warren Christopher},
Ohhh-ohhh to see Mustapha,
Who is the guest-of-a, Jordan desert king, oh oh.
 
CHORUS 1
 
He’s leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan,
{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh
Said he’s goin’ out to find {goin’ out to find}
An old King who’ll change his mind,
{Wherever he takes that flight, he’d better go and see that Hashemite}
Peace will be with him {I know it will}
On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}
He’ll have to give up his oil {give up his oil}
Or let the peace talks decline {crude oil for peace this is not refined}
 
VERSE 2
 
Warren’s dreamin’ {dreamin’} ohhh that soon he will see Hussein
{that’s King Hussein, cos Saddam is insane}
And he’ll ask that Sunni whether he’ll come round soon for Dinar
{cash could make his dreams come true, ah-ha, oh-oh}
He’ll involve al-Assad {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}
And even Yitzhak Rabin {ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh}
And Hannan Ashwari, and Ya-sser Arafat,
Unless he sends, some other pratt.
 
CHORUS 2
 
Amd they’re all leavin’ {leavin’} on that midnight plane to Jordan
{Leavin on the midnight plane} yeh
They’re all goin’ out to plan {goin’ out to plan}
A partition of the land
{Someone better mediate, else it’s gonna be like ’48}
Peace will be with them {It better had}
On that midnight plane to Jordan {leavin on the midnight plane, bing-bong}
It’s hard to find an accord {find an accord}
Where land is in high demand.

As Time Goes By or They Flew From Tuscany, NewsRevue Sketch and Medley, 2 October 1992

This version of the sketch/medley came between the prophetic pre Black Wednesday original version – click here…

…and the improved version that was eventually used.

This version for completists only – hence published as an aside.

AS TIME GOES BY or THEY FLEW FROM TUSCANY (A Sketch and Medley of Sterling 1940’s Songs)

 

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

 

John Major (Johnny)

Virginia Bottomley (Gini)

Gillian Shepherd (Jilly)

Norman Lamont (Fartface)

 

THE SKETCH

 

(VOICEOVER:And now, for those of you who missed the early evening show – here is an exert from “As Time Goes By”)

 

(The pianist tinkles away at the Second Movement of Rachmaninov’s Second Piano Concerto – a la Brief Encounter.  The music is adagio sostenuto, the voices are staccato.  Paula Tappenden knows all about it.  We start with just Johnny and Gini on stage.)

 

GINI:Johnny.

 

JOHNNY:Gini.

 

GINI:Oh Johnny.  What’s happened to the economy?

 

JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving us a bally barney, Gini.  The pound’s doing terribly.

 

GINI:What about Yankee Doodle Dandy?

 

JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving Yankee Doodle Dandy a bally barney too, Gini.  The dollar’s doing awfully.

 

GINI:Oh Johnny,  this darned economy’s simply ruining all our lives.  I’m sorry.  I’m acting like a bally fool.

 

(Enter Jilly)

 

JILLY:Hello Gini.

 

GINI:Hello Jilly.  Do you know my friend Johnny?

 

JILLY:Hello Johnny.

 

JOHNNY:Hello Jilly.  What do you do for the old effort?

 

JILLY:I’m in employment.

 

JOHNNY:Gosh, that is unusual these days.

 

JILLY:In the ministry.  Gosh, Johnny, economy’s going horribly.

 

JOHNNY:Terribly.

 

JILLY:Awfully.  Where’s Normy?

 

JOHNNY:Out there in the treasury battling it out with Gerry.

 

GINI:Oh God, I hope he isn’t going to do something silly.

 

(Enter Normy)

 

JOHNNY:Here he comes now, and I rather think we’re all going to do something silly.

 

JILLY:You don’t mean……

 

NORMY:Yes, we’re all going to sing a medley.

 

FALLING IN ERM

(In the Style of Marlene Dietrich to the tune of “Falling in Love again”)

 

I often stop and wonder, why stripy shirted men,

Financial markets plunder, sell pounds and buy yen.

We offer them low taxes, but still those city sharks,

With mobile phones and faxes, dump pounds for Deutchmarks.

 

Falling in ERM,

Sterling’s down the drain,

Valueless again,

So don’t hold it.

 

Falling in ERM,

Sterling is the pits,

Norman’s got the shits,

And can’t help us.

 

DON’T FUCK UP THE ECONOMY

(To the tune of “Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree”)

 

Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,

Anyone else but me, anyone else but me (no, no no);

Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,

We’re screwed financially.

 

We’ve devalued the currency with countries like Germany,

We’ll struggle internally, from now till eternity (no no no);

We’ve devalued the currency to purchasing parity,

With Spain and Italy.

 

WE’LL ERM

To the tune of “We’ll Meet Again”)

 

We’ll ERM don’t know why don’t know when,

But I know we’ll ERM our money pay.

Make Sterling true to the Mark and ECU,

Till the interest rate is ten percent a day.

 

Now we are not in at all,

But the pounds in free fall,

While the Deutchmark’s still strong;

And though Sterling’s now small,

Some of us still recall,

When we used to belong.

 

We’ll ERM don’t know why don’t know when,

It’ll cost us fourteen billion a day.

We’re A Member As Well, NewsRevue Lyric, 27 September 1992

Twenty five years ago to the day (as I write) the EU was problematic for many of its members. Denmark had voted no to the Maastricht Treaty. France had voted yes by a whisker. The pound had bundled out of the exchange rate mechanism the week before and the French Franc looked vulnerable.

More importantly (from my point of view), I wrote this little “pseudo-reminiscence piece” for NewsRevue,which ran for a good few weeks:

WE’RE A MEMBER AS WELL

(A Duet to the Tune of “I Remember it Well”)

(HIM:I can remember 1992 as if it were yesterday;

Le Maastricht treaty, les trucker strikes, la political infighting, le virtual collapse of the French Franc……..)

VERSE 1

HIM:I voted oui,HER:You voted non,

HER:To set us free,From Mitterand;

HIM:Ah yes, I remember it well.

HIM:You voted non,HER:I voted oui,

HER:To harmonise,The EEC;

HIM:Ah yes, we’re a member as well.

HIM:French truckers blocked the rails,

HER:And they blocked the road,

HIM:Francois Mitterand had to dump his load;

HER:I am so glad that he said “non” to that old bag Edith Cresson,

HIM:Ah yes, I remember her well.

MIDDLE BIT

HIM:How often I’ve thought of that Sunday night,

When France agreed to put up with Maastricht;

But several days later we caught a fright,

When we learned that the Franc is now worth…..

HER:…..nicht.

VERSE 2

HIM:The Franc went up,HER:The Franc went down,

HER:You bought the Mark,And sold the pound;

HIM:Ah yes, I remember it well.

HIM:We had to plead,HER:With begging bowl,

HER:The Bundesbank,And Helmut Kohl;

HIM:Francois tasted his member as well.

HIM:It’s a partnership,HER:One man’s in control,

HIM:Francois Mitterand?HER:Uh, uh, Helmut Kohl.

HER:You’re back in bed with Germany,

Just like Petain in 43,

HIM:Ah yes, this surrender is hell.

Here is a vid of Maurice Chevalier and Hermione Gingold singing “I Remember IT Well” from the film Gigi:

The lyrics to “I Remember It Well” can be found here.

Maastricht Voice Over, NewsRevue Submission, 13 September 1992

This one didn’t even make my print out file, but is there in the electronic file.

It is about the 20 September French Referendum on the Maastricht treaty…

…you know the one…

…when the French said “oui”…by a whisker…after the Danes had already voted “nej”.

Jokes that need to be explained are not usually the very best jokes. This isn’t a great voiceover and I don’t think it got used.

MAASTRICHT VOICE OVER

(This quickie is a mock French commercial for the Maastricht referendum)

The music Je t’aime plays while the following voice over is read in a cross between mock Frenchman and mock commercial voice over:

The Maastricht Treaty……

Vote oui to Maastricht on September 20th…..

and get shafted by the rest of Europe.

Snowbush, NewsRevue Lyric, 13 September 1992

The 1992 US Presidential Election provided a rich source of material for satirists.

Bill Clinton’s flaws as a candidate and an individual were well known before the election. It all feels a bit familiar writing 25 years later, except not quite so awful as the Trump election last year and the prevailing shower in  its aftermath.

Anyway, this lyric did well in NewsRevue, running for many weeks over that election period.

I recall one duo reprising the first line through gritted teeth as an additional last line – excellent idea:

SNOWBUSH

(A Duet for Bill and Hilary Clinton to the Tune of “Snowbird”)

VERSE 1 – BILL AND HILARY GAZE LOVINGLY INTO EACH OTHERS EYES

We Clintons live in harmony and sing,

While George and Barbara Bush have both mislaid the vision thing;

George sells war planes to Saudi Araby,

But still the dollar falls deep in our slump economy.

CHORUS 1 – GOSH, BILL AND HILARY MUST REALLY LOVE ONE ANOTHER

Dump your running mate or you will fail,

Cos we’ve got beefy Albert Gore and George Bush has Dan Quayle;

When George says “no more taxes” it’s untrue,

Cos if he could we know that he would try to raise a few.

VERSE 2 – SOME FRICTION MAY BE CREEPING IN TO THE SONG

BILL:Old George believes abortion is a sin,

And no-one’s homosexual in his 4,000 kin;

HILARY:But George and Bill’s morality concur,

When they both take a shine to chicks who are named Jennifer.

CHORUS 2 – HILARY SINGS ALONE

(While Hilary sings the final chorus, Bill slopes off into the audience to chat up any pretty females he can find there)

Girls like men with presidential powers,

But Bill don’t send me Gennifer when I ask for some flowers;

The man that I’m supporting is untrue,

And if he could I know that he would try a casual screw;

Yes, if he could I know that he would try-ay-ay-ay-ay a casual screw.

In October 1996 I wrote an update of this lyric, re-titled “Snowbill”:

SNOWBILL 1996 ELECTION REMIX
(To the Tune of “Snowbird”)

VERSE 1 – BILL AND HILARY GAZE LOVINGLY INTO EACH OTHERS EYES

BOTH We Clintons live in harmony and sing,
While Bob Dole cannot raise a vote and sure can’t raise his ding;
HILARY: We’re gonna get elected one more term,
BILL: Which gives me four more years to jog around and dump my sperm.

CHORUS 1 – GOSH, BILL AND HILARY MUST REALLY LOVE ONE ANOTHER

Spread your tidy lead and grow apace,
Bob Dole and Ross Perot are nowhere in this one horse race;
Republicans have near thrown in the towel,
Cos if they could you know that they’d have run with Colin Powell.

VERSE 2 – SOME FRICTION MAY BE CREEPING IN TO THE SONG

BILL: Bob Dole has many accidents and falls,
HILARY: At least the voters know that he don’t play much with his balls;
BILL: We all can make mistakes, just see our daughter,
HILARY: And please don’t ask to much about our profits from Whitewater.

CHORUS 2 – HILARY SINGS ALONE

(While Hilary sings the final chorus, Bill slopes off into the audience to chat up any pretty females he can find there)

Spread your tidy lead and stuff Bob Dole,
And try to keep your golf balls out of eighteen different holes;
The man that I’m supporting is untrue,
And if he could I know that he would try a casual screw;
Yes, if he could I know that he would try-ay-ay-ay-ay a casual screw.

[BOTH: (with irony) We Clintons live in harmony and sing]

Below is a YouTube link to Anne Murray singing Snowbird, with the lyrics on the video screen along with some sweet pictures of birds…the flighted variety:

Stand By Your Bank, NewsRevue Lyric, 6 September 1992

This is not one of my greatest lyrics but it is 25 years old on the day I am writing this Ogblog piece.

I wrote the lyric in response to some banking cartel activity (allegedly) long since forgotten, upping bank charges for everyone.

Actually, rereading mine yesterday reminded me of one of Ivan Shakespeare’s great lyrics, written not long after. The opening line of Ivan’s piece:

Sometimes it’s hard to be a new man…

…building to the cracking initial chorus line/title…

Stand by your flan…

Mine seems pale in comparison, but here it is:

STAND BY YOUR BANK

(To the Tune of “Stand by Your Man”)

 

VERSES – PAUPER

 

(Perhaps the chorus, offstage during the verses, could harmonise by making “slide guitar wowing sounds” during the verses.  The pauper should probably be “music hall cockney”)

 

Sometimes it’s hard to stay in credit,

When the wolves are knocking at your door;

The banks all tried to impress,

By paying me some interest,

And 5p made me feel less poor.

 

Then thoroughbreds lost on the bourses,

The better off dumped third world debt;

Those banks need easy action,

We’ll pay for each transaction,

They’ll charge whatever they can get.

 

CHORUSES – A WUNCH OF BANKERS

 

Stand by your bank,

We listen and we say yes,

This wunch of bankers largesse,

Extends to all our charges.

 

Stand by your bank,

We shall recoup our losses,

We’ve banked so much our assets shrank,

Stand by your bank.

 

Stand by your bank,

Don’t bother looking elsewhere,

Our charges all went up in rank,

Stand by your bank.

Here’s Tammy Wynette singing Stand By Your Man:

…and here is a link to the Stand By Your Man lyrics.

Kate Adie, NewsRevue Lyric, 31 August 1992

The rule of three suggests that any good story or slogan contains three characters or messages.

This Kate Adie Ogblog piece obeys the rule of three in several (indeed, three) ways.

It is one of three 31 August anniversary posts I have written today (31 August 2017), the other two being:

This lyric is also one of three pieces I wrote in a burst of creativity over the Bank Holiday weekend of 1992 after my first date with Janie – “had Janie become my muse so swiftly?”, I muse – the other two being:

It is also one of three pieces I wrote in August 1992 that Ben Murphy at least partially recorded, the other two being:

So to the matter at hand; the lyric, Kate Adie. Kate Adie was one of my more successful NewsRevue lyrics. Kim insists that it is her favourite of all of them.

Yet, in truth, I don’t think it is a very good lyric.

It is a bit like a deceptive cup of coffee – it smells superb at the very first instant, then the rest cannot possibly meet the expectations set by the wicked first sniff.

Proof of this, should you need it, is that Ben Murphy in effect only recorded the opening line:

Still, the piece ran and ran in the show; there was room for some good business, I suppose. It went to Edinburgh in 1993 and was used as a flagship piece when the cast performed some material on a TV show, Wire TV. Enough of my thoughts on it, dear readers, you judge for yourselves. The broadcast recording starts at 7’45” in the YouTube below:

https://youtu.be/zvNXwyzSHG0

KATE ADIE

(For Timid BBC Producer and Kate Adie to the Tune of “Dream Lover”)

(You’ll have to supply most backing oooh-ooohs and yeh-yehs yourselves)

VERSE 1 – BBC PRODUCER

Every night I hope and pray,

That Kate Adie gets blown away;

Though at the Beeb I’m her boss,

I run and hide when she gets cross.

I’d like to watch {yeh-yeh yeh} her {yeh-yeh yeh} sweat {yeh-yeh yeh} with fear,

I’m sending Kate Adie to cover every war this year.

VERSE 2 – STILL THE BBC PRODUCER

Kate Adie where are you,

In Sarajevo or Mogadishu?

Although the air’s diffuse with lead,

The shrapnel bounces off your head.

Where Martin Bell {yeh-yeh yeh} fell {yeh-yeh yeh} she’s {yeh-yeh yeh} swell,

I think that Kate Adie could happily report from hell.

MIDDLE BIT – KATE ADIE

Some day I don’t know how,

I shall give up stringing,

I’ll be a Movie star,

Both dancing and singing.

(Kate demonstrates her hidden talents throughout he rest of the song)

VERSE 3 – KATE ADIE

Kate Adie until then,

I’ll scare the shit out of my men;

Although I’m soft underneath,

I’ll catch hand grenades with my teeth.

And I shall put {yeh-yeh yeh} on {yeh-yeh yeh} a brave {yeh-yeh yeh} show,

Yes this is Kate Adie BBC News Sarajevo.

Here is Dream Lover by Bobby Darin with lyrics on the screen:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m_urVDCrf5A

For the completists amongst you/us, here is version two of the song tweaked for Christmas 1992:

KATE ADIE – VERSION 2

(For Timid BBC Producer and Kate Adie to the Tune of “Dream Lover”)

(You’ll have to supply most backing oooh-ooohs and yeh-yehs yourselves)

VERSE 1

Every night I hope and pray,

That Kate Adie gets blown away;

‘though at the Beeb I’m her boss,

I run and hide when she gets cross.

I’d like to watch {yeh-yeh yeh} her {yeh-yeh yeh} sweat {yeh-yeh yeh} with fear {yeh-yeh yeh},

I’m sending Kate Adie to cover every war this year.

VERSE 2

Kate Adie where are you,

In Sarajevo or Mogadishu?

Although the air’s diffuse with lead,

The shrapnel bounces off your head.

Where Martin Bell {yeh-yeh yeh} fell {yeh-yeh yeh} she’s {yeh-yeh yeh} swell {yeh-yeh yeh},

I think that Kate Adie could happily report from hell.

MIDDLE BIT

Some day the time will come,

That she gives up writing;

She’ll buy a Tommy Gun,

And take up street fighting.

VERSE 3

Kate Adie, mercenary,

Will not be more incendiary;

But when she gets blown up,

She’ll be rebuilt like Robocop.

(enter Kate Adie to sing the last two lines)

And I shall be {yeh-yeh yeh} a {yeh-yeh yeh} grave {yeh-yeh yeh} foe {yeh-yeh yeh},

Yes this is Kate Adie BBC News Sarajevo.

…and there was even a Version 3 in 1994 – I told you the piece ran and ran despite my reservations about it:

KATE ADIE – VERSION 3

(You’ll have to supply most backing oooh-ooohs and yeh-yehs yourselves)

VERSE 1

Every night I hope and pray,

That Kate Adie gets blown away;

Although she seems awful cross,

I don’t suppose she gives a toss.

I have to watch {yeh-yeh yeh} her {yeh-yeh yeh} snarl {yeh-yeh yeh} and sneer {yeh-yeh yeh},

Because old Kate Adie’s reporting every war this year.

VERSE 2

Kate Adie where are you,

In Sarajevo or Mogadishu?

Although the air’s diffuse with lead,

The shrapnel bounces off your head.

Where Martin Bell {yeh-yeh yeh} fell {yeh-yeh yeh} she’s {yeh-yeh yeh} swell {yeh-yeh yeh},

I think that Kate Adie could happily report from hell.

MIDDLE BIT

Some day the time will come,

That she gives up writing;

She’ll buy a Tommy Gun,

And take up street fighting.

VERSE 3

Kate Adie, mercenary,

Would not be more incendiary;

But if she got blown up,

She’d be rebuilt like Robocop.

(enter Kate Adie to sing the last two lines)

And I shall be {yeh-yeh yeh} a {yeh-yeh yeh} grave {yeh-yeh yeh} foe {yeh-yeh yeh},

Yes this is Kate Adie BBC News Sarajevo.

There was even a subsequent Version 3, which should, I suppose, have been named Version 4, in late January 1995:

KATE ADIE – VERSION 3
(You’ll have to supply most backing oooh-ooohs and yeh-yehs yourselves)

VERSE 1

Every night I hope and pray,
That Kate Adie gets blown away (or, for the faint hearted, “That Kate Adie will go away”);
Although she seems awful cross,
I don’t suppose she gives a toss.

I have to watch {yeh-yeh yeh} her {yeh-yeh yeh} snarl {yeh-yeh yeh} and sneer {yeh-yeh yeh},
Because old Kate Adie’s reporting every war this year.

VERSE 2

Kate Adie where are you,
In Sarajevo or Mogadishu?
Although the air’s diffuse with lead,
The shrapnel bounces off your head.

Where Martin Bell {yeh-yeh yeh} fell {yeh-yeh yeh} she’s {yeh-yeh yeh} swell {yeh-yeh yeh},
I think that Kate Adie could happily report from hell.

MIDDLE BIT

Some day the time will come,
That she gives up writing;
She’ll buy a Tommy Gun,
And take up street fighting.

VERSE 3

Kate Adie, mercenary,
Would not be more incendiary;
But if she got blown up,
She’d be rebuilt like Robocop.

(enter Kate Adie to sing the last two lines)

And I shall be {yeh-yeh yeh} a {yeh-yeh yeh} grave {yeh-yeh yeh} foe {yeh-yeh yeh},
Yes this is Kate Adie BBC News Sarajevo.

Here is a vid of Bobby Darin performing Dream Lover live on TV – so 1950s:

Ministerial Brief Encounter, NewsRevue Sketch and Medley Lyrics, 30 August 1992

The extraordinary thing about this sketch and medley is the date I first wrote it – two-and-a-half weeks before Black Wednesday.

My log records that I first wrote it on the August bank holiday weekend, ironically. I tinkered with it on the Tuesday (1 September) and called it Version 2 – only that tinkered version survives of the pre Black Wednesday versions.

The NewsRevue cast didn’t use it at that time – it probably didn’t seem topical to them ahead of the crisis.

I subsequently changed and improved the piece a lot, post crisis, renaming it “As Time Goes By or They Flew From Tuscany”, so most of the material did get used eventually. The “Don’t Fuck Up the Economy” lyric in particular ran and ran.

Anyway, for those who like this sort of quirky thing, here is the sketch and medley in its original form, including the final lyric of the medley which (in its way) explains why Black Wednesday happened:

MINISTERIAL BRIEF ENCOUNTER – VERSION 2

(A Sketch and Medley from the good old 1940’s)

 

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

 

John Major (Johnny)

Virginia Bottomley (Gini)

Gillian Shepherd (Jilly)

Norman Lamont (Fartface)

 

THE SKETCH

 

(The pianist tinkles away, preferably the Second Movement of Rachmaninov’s Second Piano Concerto – a la Brief Encounter – or failing that some other slushy stuff.  The music is adagio sostenuto, the voices are staccato.  We start with just Johnny and Gini on stage.)

 

GINI:Johnny.

 

JOHNNY:Gini.

 

GINI:Oh Johnny.  What’s happened to the economy?

 

JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving us a bally barney, Gini.  The pound keeps going down.

 

GINI:What about Yankee Doodle Dandy?

 

JOHNNY:Gerry’s giving Yankee Doodle Dandy a bally barney too, Gini.

 

GINI:Oh Johnny,  this darned economy’s ruining all our lives.  I’m sorry.  I’m acting like a bally fool.

 

(Enter Jilly)

 

JILLY:Hello Gini.

 

GINI:Hello Jilly.  Do you know my friend Johnny?

 

JILLY:Hello Johnny.

 

JOHNNY:Hello Jilly.  What do you do for the old effort?

 

JILLY:I’m in employment.

 

JOHNNY:Gosh, that is unusual these days.

 

JILLY:In the ministry.  Gosh, Johnny, it’s all going horribly.  Where’s Normy?

 

JOHNNY:Out there in the treasury battling it out with Gerry.

 

GINI:Oh God, I hope he isn’t going to do something silly.

 

(Enter Normy)

 

JOHNNY:Here he comes now, and I rather think he is going to do something silly.

 

JILLY:You don’t mean……

 

NORMY:Yes, I’m going to sing a medley.  And you’re going to help me.

 

 

THE MEDLEY

 

 DON’T FUCK UP THE ECONOMY

 (To the tune of “Don’t Sit Under the Apple Tree”)

 

Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,

Anyone else but me, anyone else but me (no, no no);

Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,

‘Til I return from Tuscany.

 

Don’t devalue the currency with countries like Germany,

We’ll solve it internally, from now till eternity (no no no);

Don’t devalue the currency we’ve purchasing parity,

With Greece and Italy.

 

 FALLING IN ERM

 (To the tune of “Falling in Love again”)

 

I often stop and wonder, why stripy shirted men,

Financial markets plunder, sell pounds and buy yen.

We offer them low taxes, but still those city sharks,

With mobile phones and faxes, dump pounds for Deutchmarks.

 

Falling in ERM,

Sterling’s down the drain,

Valueless again,

So don’t hold it.

 

Falling in ERM,

Sterling is the pits,

Norman’s got the shits,

And can’t help us.

 

 THE ERM AND ECU ERK FROM NUMBER ELEVEN

 (To the tune of “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy From Company B”)

 

He is a chubby little chap from out West London way,

He rented out his flat to girls you have to pay;

He is in charge of treasury,

But he could never get through an economics degree,

He is the Chancellor of the Exchequer here,

He’s the ERM and ECU erk from Number Eleven.

 

He likes to blow his trumpet and he thinks he’s great,

But he cannot maintain the Public’s interest rate;

The people think he is a jerk,

Because the pounds up the creek and half the folks can’t find work;

We ought to chuck him out with a flea in his ear,

Cos our ERM and ECU erk can’t count to Eleven.

 

“We won’t, we won’t, we won’t we won’t we won’t”…..,

I think his needle is stuck,

…..”Devalue Sterling”;

He won’t say a word unless a Treasury crisis is unfurling;

Why don’t we terminate, this ministers career?

Change the ERM and ECU erk at Number Eleven.

Here are the Andrews Sisters singing “Don’t Sit Under The Apple Tree”:

…and Marlene Dietrich singing “Falling In Love Again”…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaZDiKRT1is

…and the Andrews Sisters again, this time singing “The Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy”: