Tag: Canal Cafe Theatre

Back in 1997, the Taliban were not that well known and this story about their behaviour towards women was news in the West. Janie thought the story so awful she found it hard to believe that I could try and write a satirical lyric for NewsRevue about it. This lyric didn’t see the light of day until now.

TALIBAN
(To the Tune of “Carrie Anne”)

 

INTRO – CHORUS OF INFIDELS

Do do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do,
Do do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do,
Hey Taliban, hey Taliban.

VERSE 1 – A BEARDED BELIEVER (POSSIBLY A FEMALE CAST MEMBER)

In Afghanistan our laws are simple,
Men are the warriors, Women are all indoors;
New Shariah courts enforce this curfew,
What’s the attraction in what we’re doing?

CHORUS 1

INFIDELS: Hey Taliban, What’s your game now, Can anybody pray?
BELIEVER: Afghanistan, Let’s face east now, And everybody pray.

VERSE 2 – AN INFIDEL

You were always something special to me,
I got my bone up, You got all stoned up;
I attend the public executions,
Where are our women disappearing?

CHORUS 2

INFIDELS: Hey Taliban, What’s your game now, Can anybody pray?
BELIEVER: Afghanistan, Cover up now, And never show your face.

MIDDLE EIGHT – INFIDELS

(Examining the bearded believer)
You’re so, so unlike a woman to me (unlike a woman to me),
You’re so, so unlike a woman to me (unlike a woman to me).

CHORUS 3

INFIDELS: Hey Taliban, close your girls schools, and hide your girls away?
INFIDELS: Afghanistan, you thought Russia, took liberties away.

OUTRO

ALL: Taliban, be a man, if you can, while Afghan, is Taliban!!

Below is The Hollies performing Carrie Anne:

Click this link to read the lyrics to Carrie Anne.

Not much to say about this one. I cannot remember whether or not it was used.

TWINKLE TWINKLE
(Quickie to the Tune of “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”)

VERSE 1

Twinkle Twinkle little comet,
How this bother makes me vomit.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Hale-Bopp in the sky so high,
Loony Heaven’s Gate folk die.

OUTRO

Twinkle Twinkle little comet,
Head like Wallace, arse like Gromett.

Below is a video of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star with the lyrics on screen:

I’m not sure whether or not NewsRevue used this lyric, but I do know that, 21 years later, we alumni NewsRevue writers had a sort of moral Christmas ourselves with John Random’s Moral Maze crackers:

An Amazing Week Of Grazing And Moral Mazing, 1 to 7 December 2017

MORAL CHRISTMAS
(To the Tune of “Merry Xmas”)

 

VERSE 1

Politicians wear their ethics on their sleeve,
And in politics that’s dead hard to believe;
They pretend that they are worthy,
And that they believe in God,
Deep down, we know, each one’s an evil sod.

CHORUS 1

So here it is, moral Christmas,
Major, Blair and Ashdown pray,
Here’s to the public,
Who just wish they’d go away.

VERSE 2

When the politicians try so hard to please,
You can bet they’re on the make or deep in sleaze;
They might ride a red nosed reindeer,
Not a sexual delight,
They’d do anything when told the price is right.

CHORUS 2

So here it is moral Christmas,
When hypocrisy’s a smash,
Pay for your questions now,
With Barclaycard or cash.

CHORUS 3

So here it is moral Christmas,
When MPs seek the high ground,
Here’s to the future graft,
In Euros not in pounds.

Below is Merry Christmas Everybody by Slade with lyrics on the screen:

Marjory Proops was a very well-known agony aunt, said to bear an uncanny resemblance to my mum. Frankly, I think it was just the cruel spectacles combined with some ethnic stereotyping.

Anyway, point is, Proops died in November 1996 so I wrote the following lyric for NewsRevue, which, I think, went down well.

MARGE PROOPS
(To the Tune of “High Hopes”)

 

VERSE 1

If you want vice at a newspaper price,
There was lots to be learned from Proops’ advice.
Just what made that agony aunt,
Want to write with a sexual slant;
Editors thought an old aunt can’t,
Make their readership pant.

CHORUS 1

But she was Marge Proops,
She was Marge Proops,
She was back of a barge, nose too large Proops.
If you’d a dud relationship,
‘jaculation’s quick,
Or you’d done a Hugh Grant.
You’d tell all to Marge the agony aunt,
{You’d tell all to Marge the agony aunt,}
You’d tell all to Marge the agony aunt.

VERSE 2

If you gave head or were no good in bed,
She was not too much help and now she’s dead.
Just what made that agony aunt,
Make folk think her advice was extant?;
Anyone knows an old aunt can’t,
Do much other than rant.

CHORUS 2

But she was Marge Proops,
She was Marge Proops,
She was light brigade charge, specs too large Proops.
So now if you are cryin’ she’s,
Not replyin’ cos,
She’s a stiff so she can’t;
Oops there goes another agony aunt,
{Oops there goes another agony aunt,}
Oops there goes another agony aunt.

Ker plop!

Below is a video of Frank Sinatra and a chorus of kiddies singing High Hopes with the lyrics on the screen:

I don’t recall this one making the show, but I was attending NewsRevue a bit less often by late 1996, so it might have done without me seeing it. It shows due reverence for the fag end of that Tory government, and for the rock group Oasis.

WHAT’S THE STORY, BORING TORY
(To the Tune of “What’s the Story, Morning Glory”)

 

VERSE 1

All our dreams are made,
When were chained from the goolies by a chambermaid,
This is Conservative morality;
Another conference afternoon,
Listening to the crap from our favourite loon,
The public only hope it’ll all be over soon.

CHORUS 1

Need some little lies to make up, Need some little lies to make up, make up,
Need a few more lines to fake up, Need a party line to bend your mind,
We’ll get your vote in the end so might as well.
What’s the story, boring Tory, Well?
We need a few more lies to make up make up, Hell?
What’s the story, boring Tory, Hell?
Need a few more lies to make up make up.

VERSE 2

All our votes are won,
When the press gets all jingoistic, read the Sun,
We’re sprouting on so Eurosceptically;
Another low opinion poll,
Another gaff and minister deep in a hole,
Tomorrow no-one knows what was the controversy.

CHORUS 2

Need a minister to scapegoat, (Ken Clarke), Need a good excuse to scapegoat, Ken Clarke,
Need to exorcise the turncoat, Not the party line, so just resign,
Not one of us, so we guess you might as well.
What’s the story, warning Tories, Well?
Just hold the party line and wake up wake up, Well?
What’s the story, boring Tories, Well?
Need a few more lies to make up make up, Well?

OUTRO

MAJOR: Why can’t we be successful like Oasis?
CLARKE: We’re very much like Oasis, Prime Minister. Always squabbling, consistently failing to please the public, and no-one outside Britain takes us even faintly seriously.

Below is Oasis singing What’s the Story, Morning Glory with lyrics on the screen.