Tag: Canal Cafe Theatre

Others were better at sports stories than me, usually, but I think this quickie was used for a while. I wrote a companion piece to go with it, about Eurosceptics – click here.

EURO 96 – QUICKIE
(To the Tune of “Ode To Joy”)
CHORUS

Friends down Wembley at the football,
Tossed out of the stadium;
We’d been drinkin’ such a skinful,
We threw up our Heineken.
Used our seasons went back to Neasden,
Mooned with our bums and showed our dicks,
(Went) down the pub with Sky that evening,
We watched Euro ’96.

Started heavin’ then for no reason,
We threw some chairs and then some bricks;
(And) now we’re down the cells in Willesden,
This is Euro ’96.

Here is the sound of Ode To Joy – a little bit of Ludwig Van:

 

At some point I’ll trawl through my old jotters and find all sorts of fragments in illegible scrawl.

This fragment found its way onto the PC, so I’m dealing with it now.

Clearly I wasn’t convinced then that it could go anywhere and I’m certainly not convinced now.

Coal Digger (1992) was a far better candidate for the Goldfinger song and one of those is surely enough?

JAMES GOLDSMITH
(To the Tune of “Goldfinger”)

VERSE 1

James Goldsmith (blah blah blah)
He’s the man, the man with a minor putsch,
Jemima’s pop’s,
Such
A strange Goldsmith (blah blah blah)

This little lyric will be exactly 21 years old tomorrow, as I wrote (24 May 2017). Is that perhaps a sign?

GAY PRIDE
(To the Tune of “Downtown”)
VERSE 1

When you’re a queen,
And you are feeling unseemly,
You can always go….
Gay Pride.
If you like quiche,
And all those tight-buttocked breeches,
When you’re marching slow……..
Gay Pride.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Listen to the speeches about HIV and herpes,
Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual and Transgender Pride is,
Now what it’s called;
The tights are much brighter there,
You can forget all your troubles, like unwanted hair and go…..

CHORUS 1

Gay Pride,
(Things will get better, oh)
Gay Pride,
(No time for heteros)
Gay Pride,
Queens will be mincing for you.
(Gay Pride, Gay Pride, Gay Pride, Gay Pride)……

Here is Petula Clark singing Downtown:

 

 

I revived my Royalties In The UK lyric…

Royalties In The UK, NewsRevue Lyric, 4 April 1994

…in a slightly different guise 25 May 1996:

SEX PISTOLS REVIVAL SONG
(To the Tune of “Anarchy in the UK”)

 

(The strained rhymes are deliberate and should be done Pistols style, e.g. “has-bin”,”nase” etc.)

INTRO

Right…….now………(well, twenty years ago to be more precise………..)……ha ha ha…..

VERSE 1

I was so anarchic,
Now I am archaic,
I’ve blown all me dosh and me voice has grown posh,
I wanna make cash and play trash;
Cos I wanna be wealthy.

VERSE 2

Anarchy for the UK,
I used to be blonde, now I’m grey,
I’ve done the Marquee now its Wembley,
I’m an “has-bin” with a safety pin;
But I wanna be trendy.

VERSE 3

We’re history from the punk days,
Use a safety pin through your “nase”;
The punters liked Sid its a shame that he’s “did”,
We’ll have him exhumed and well “illumed”;
Cos I wanna be predatory.

OUTRO

Cos I wanna see royalties,
(And I don’t mean the monarchy);
And I wanna be eternally,
(Like that bastard McCartney),
Cos I wanna be wealthy!!

Here is a video of the Sex Pistols singing Anarchy In The UK with lyrics on the screen:

Below is the official video of the Sex Pistols singing that iconic song:

Gosh this was a tough topic to take on for a comedy lyric and an attempt to be even-handed. Not quite sure what made it topical right then – yet another Syrian/Southern Lebanese/Israeli skirmish I suppose.

The reference to Assad back then was to Hafez al-Assad, Bashar al-Assad’s dad.

I’m pretty sure the lyric never got used in public performance, which is probably just as well.

 HIZBULLAH  HIZBULLAH (To the Tune of “He’s So Fine”)

VERSE 1
Salaam salaam salaam, salaam salaam;

Hizbullah (salaam salaam salaam),

Waging a war (salaam salaam salaam),

That hunky boy over here,

The one with the galabia;

But now he’s deep in the mire (salaam salaam),

Down in Southern Lebanon (salaam salaam),

With Katyushas and rocket fire (salaam salaam),

Till all the people are gone (salaam salaam).

VERSE 2
He’s an Israeli guy (shalom shalom shalom),

With an eye for an eye (shalom shalom shalom),

Makes me wonder why,

He don’t give peace a try;

Cos these people shouldn’t fight (shalom shalom),

They should get along together (salaam, salaam),

Be all sweetness and light (shalom shalom),

End the lunacy forever (salaam salaam).

MIDDLE EIGHT

CHORUS He’s Hamas (oh yeh), Blowing up a bus (oh yeh);

TERRORIST: See you all later (oh no),

CHORUS: He won’t be back later (oh no).

TERRORIST: My bombs and me together (oh no), Will pull the chicks for ever (oh no),

CHORUS: He just can’t wait, he just can’t wait, to get to paradise.

VERSE 3
If I were Assad (salaam salaam salaam),

I would end this Jihad (salaam salaam salaam),

I’d do anything appropriate,

Except, perhaps, kiss Yasser Arafat;

Or Hizbullah (uh-huh),

Or Hamas (uh-huh),

Or Mossad (uh huh),

They’re all mad.

Here is a video of The Chiffons singing He’s So Fine, with lyrics:

I don’t think this idea for a lyric worked very well and I don’t think NewsRevue used this lyric.

LIBERIA
(To the Tune of “America”)

 

CHORUS 1

Life is no good in Liberia,
Famine and war and hysteria,
Leprosy, AIDS and diphtheria,
Toss hand grenades in Liberia.

VERSE 1

Former American colony,
Product of trading in slavery (very);
Characters names sound like Mark Twain,
But soon as you learn them they’re slain.

CHORUS 2

Life is no good in Liberia,
Peacekeeping force from Nigeria,
Most would agree that’s inferior,
No-one feels free in Liberia.

VERSE 2

More fighting in Cape Mesurado,
Lining up forming a warfare queue (fa’ queue);
Roosevelt Johnson leads from the front,
But everyone says he’s a Krahn.
(That doesn’t rhyme with front??)

CHORUS 3

Life is the pits in Liberia,
Whole bunch of shits in Liberia;
Fight mercenaries in Monrovia,
Get dysentery and diarrhoea.

Below is America from West Side Story with lyrics on the screen, after a lengthy (circa three minutes) build up:

The Unabomber was apprehended in April 1996 and I thought to make a NewsRevue lyric out of it. Mercifully, I either thought better of the idea or ran out of ideas…or both. The fragment below might make you smile, though.

UNABOMBER I WANT
(To the Tune of “You’re The One That I Want”)

 

VERSE 1 – THE BOMBER, STRAPPED TO AN ELECTRIC CHAIR

I’ve got bombs, they’re worth applying,
Cos I’m out of control;
But the power I’m defying,
Is electrifying (electrifying, electrifying, electrifying).

MIDDLE EIGHT 1 – THE COPS

You’d better confess,
Cos we need our man,
Keep the public satisfied.
You’d better confess,
You’d better understand,
Vengance has to be applied.
BOMBER: Are you sure?
COPS: Yes we’re sure to have you fried.

CHORUS 1

Unabomber

VERSE 2

 

 

CHORUS 2

 

VERSE 3

 

CHORUS 3

 

Below is a video of You’re The One That I Want with John Travolta and Olivia Newton John prancing about, plus the lyrics in both English and Spanish:

A rare example of an unfinished lyric. Deservedly so, though. Not enough possible laughs in this tacky little idea. Nice, sordid pun on the song title though.

DON’T LET MY SON GO DOWN ON YOU
(To the Tune of “Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me”)
VERSE 1 – QUEEN

I can’t lie,
No more over Charlie;
All these Windsors,
Seem to chase a bit of fluff;
I’m grown tired,
Of the papers here before me;
Making fun, of our soap opera stuff;
Too late,
To save my Chuck from screwing;
He took a bitch,
Could not resist her muff;
She was on heat,
Camilla had no contest;
Charles prefered her showing up to throwing up.

CHORUS 1

Don’t let my son go down on you,
(Don’t let the son)
Although it sounds obscene, it’s something royals shouldn’t do;

Here is Elton John singing Don’t Let The Sun Go Down On Me, with lyrics.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lIA9_ur0awc