Tag: Canal Cafe Theatre

I can see why I wrote this and I can see why, in all probability, it didn’t make it into NewsRevue.  One or two good lines though.

IT’S MENS HEALTH WEEK
(To the Tune of “It’s Good News Week”)

INTRO

BBC ANNOUNCER: And now, as part of the BBC Mens Health Week., a documentary for men with testicular cancer and gonorrhoea; “Great Balls of Fire”.

VERSE 1

It’s Mens Health Week,
BBC’s new festival, about an enlarged testicle,
That looks odd when you streak;
It’s Mens Health Week,
Prostate gland is getting big, and balding men won’t wear a wig,
To hide their ugly peak.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Have you seen the shows? What did they say?
Men under stress. One in ten at least is gay.
(One in ten at least is gay)

VERSE 2

It’s Mens Health Week,
BBC’s huge influence, will tackle British impotence,
Of which we seldom speak;
It’s Mens Health Week,
Phone the helpline, read the book, but don’t look down and take a look,
In case you are a freak.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

Have you courted help? Which way to turn?
Claire Raynor’s crap. So’s that cow Anna Raeburn.
(Not that cow Anna Raeburn)

VERSE 3

It’s Mens Health Week
BBC afflicting men, with fears about their little friend,
Which dribbles when they leak;
It drips all week,
Alan Yentob’s master plan, to paint himself as superman,
And spare us from repeats, and spare us from repeats, yes spare us from repeats.

Below is a video of It’s Good News Week by Hedgehoppers Anonymous:

Click here for lyrics to It’s Good News Week.

Penguin 60s were little précis of bigger books.

In late 1995 and early 1996 they were “a thing”.

Hence, a miniature lyric.

PENGUIN 60S
(To the Tune of “When I’m 64”)
VERSE 1

When I get older,
Losing my brain,
And attention span;
Will I still be reading War and Peace or Proust?
A la
Recherche
De Temps Perdue?

Will I stay up till quarter to three,
Reading Chapter 4?

Give me a racey,
Miniature précis,
(What are) Penguin 60s for??

MIDDLE EIGHT

Every summer we shall read a dozen on the Isle of Wight,
Cos they’re not too dear.
We shall…………
(perhaps flick through several pages to the ending)

THE ENDING

…….read cheaply,
But ever so briefly,
(What are) Penguin 60s for??

Here is a half-decent cover of When I’m 64 (originally by the Beatles) with lyrics on the screen:

I must have had a bit of a love-hate thing with Oasis at that time. I’d bought their albums – perhaps I just wanted to make full use of them for NewsRevue. I rather like this one, taking advantage of the somewhat derivative…sorry, I mean “tribute”…nature of Oasis’s oeuvre. 

HALITOASIS
(To the Tune of “Whatever”)

 

VERSE 1

Free of any copyright,
Whatever you wrote,
I change the odd note,
That’s my lot.

VERSE 2

Free of any royalties,
I just have to sneeze,
The damned NME
Studies my snot.

MIDDLE EIGHT

It always seems to me,
That half our tunes are from 1973;
And also lyrically,
Like “stay on the bus, forget about us”,
Is from “Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round The Old Oak Tree”.

OUTRO

Free!!

Below is a video of Oasis singing Whatever with the lyrics on the screen:

Protesters tried to prevent the building of the Newbury Bypass by intervening in the process. I merely wrote this lyric, which i don’t think even made it into NewsRevue.

THE NEWBURY BYPASS
(To the Tune of “Winchester Cathedral”)

 

VERSE 1

The Newbury bypass,
Will go round the town;
You stood and you watched as,
Our treehouse came down.

You could have done something,
But you didn’t try,
Now our bivouac will,
Become a lay-by.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Now everyone knows just how much we hated that road,
It wouldn’t have gone through that quick if it wasn’t for that Mawhinney toad.

VERSE 2

The Newbury bypass,
Who knows what it’s for?
It’s circumlocating,
The A34.

The Newbury bypass,
We’re blocking it hard,
Don’t knock down our shelter,
Not in our back yard.

MIDDLE EIGHT 2

Then the local fuzz dragged us out of the snow and hail;
We’re one of the few groups around to be better off in a British gaol.

VERSE 3

The Newbury bypass,
Now you’re a done deal;
Once we’re out of prison,
We’ll go and stop veal.

Below is a video with The New Vaudeville Band singing Winchester Cathedral:

Click here for the lyrics of Winchester Cathedral.

I had written several versions of “Don’t Fuck Up The Economy” a few years earlier, not least the version included in this one:

As Time Goes By or They Flew From Tuscany, NewsRevue Sketch and Medley, 10 October 1992

Anyway, when Tony Blair decided that an idea referred to as The Stakeholder Economy was going to be the election winning idea, I got to work on that lyrical idea again:

STAKEHOLDER ECONOMY
(To the Tune of “Don’t Sit Under The Apple Tree”)

 

VERSE 1 – JOHN MAJOR

Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,
Anyone else but me, anyone else but me (no, no, no);
Don’t fuck up the economy with anyone else but me,
We’re screwed financially.

MIDDLE EIGHT – FEMALE CHORUS

You’ve heard the word from the Tory nerd,
With a pre-election curse;
So hear the tune from the God Squad goon,
Now the Labour party’s worse.

VERSE 2 – TONY BLAIRE

Don’t stakeholder economy with anyone else but me,
Anyone else but me, anyone else but me (no, no, no);
Don’t stakeholder economy with anyone else but me,
We’ll screw you equally.

Below is Glenn Miller & His Orchestra performing Don’t Sit Under The Apple Tree with the lyrics on the screen:

One of my most successful songs of all time. There was a sort of goatee beard thing at that time. I exploited it.

GOATEE
(To the Tune of “Swanee”)
INTRO

I’ve been bare-faced for such a long time,
I never thought I’d grow a beard;
Somehow I feel, so juveneel,
Bristly I long to be.

There’s nothing growing on my neck line,
There’s nothing growing on my lip;
But there’s some thin, hairs on my chin,
Goatee’s, the style for me-ee.

VERSE 1

Goatee, how I love you how I love you,
My dear old Goatee.
It makes me look obscene,
Just like those blokes in,
That crap band East 17.
My rabbit has a shaved patch on his back,
That’s shaped like my goatee.
The folks up north think we are all weird,
Cos they prefer their ZZ Top beards.

MIDDLE EIGHT

Fanny, fanny
My beard looks like a fanny;
Bum fluff, bum fluff,
Or a smear on George Michael’s chin.

VERSE 2

Goatee, I look grown up, I look grown up,
Now I’ve a goatee.
My balls have not yet dropped,
But there’s this small patch,
On my chin that I’ve not cropped.
My gerbil has an unrequited crush,
On my dear old goatee.
It might be gone once I learn to shave,
But now I’m off to join my rave.

The above lyrics contain a minor revision and were published 29 January 1996. The original version assigned the intro & verses to men, but the middle eight to women. The first couplet of the original middle eight read:

Goatee, Goatee,
Don’t tell me that’s a goatee;

Anyway, it ran and ran in the show. I remember Gerry Goddin in particular saying it was his favourite of mine.

Here is Al Jolson singing Swanee:

 

I think this one could have done very well in the show, but no-one other than me believed…

HOORAY FOR BOLLYWOOD
(To the Tune of “Hooray For Bollywood”)
(The more Indian paraphernalia the better for this one)

CHORUS 1

Hooray for Bollywood, Bombay’s equivalent of Hollywood;
Where any actress name of Shah or Patel, can be like cattle,
A holy cow who can’t act;
A punkawallah can leave his squalor,
To join a crowd scene that is at least as packed.
Hooray for Bollywood, we’re making movies, they’re no bloody good;
Where any caste may have Sudras and Brahmans to sing like Carmen,
And dance around their manhood,
They’re worse than Bombay duck but no-one gives a fuck;
Hooray for Bollywood; Hooray for Bollywood!!

INTERMISSION

And now for a commercial break.
“You don’t have to go to England to try genuine English cuisine. Merely three minutes walk from this Bombay cinema and you are in the Buckingham Palace Fish and Chip Restaurant. Peter Parker and his friendly staff serve you fish and chips in typical Northern English style. Batter flavours include Madras and Vindaloo. Peter Parker’s Pukka Palace Place”.

CHORUS 2

Hooray for Bollywood, where women sing and dance more than they should;
They howl and shriek in Tamil and in Urdu, they sound like nerds who,
Have just got their privates nailed;
They sound more arty in Gujarati,
Cos then the wailing sounds like they’ve been impaled.
Hooray for Bollywood,
Get it on cable in your neighbourhood;
Now Rupert Murdoch can broadcast a channel, That’s so much flannel,
It makes Sky One appear good;
Subscribe your weekly pay,
And watch these films all day;
Hooray for Bollywood,
That cow’s half naked,
Hooray for Bollywood,
Is nothing sacred?
Hooray for Bollywood!!

Here is Benny Goodman and his Orchestra with Johnny ‘Scat’ Davis & Frances Langford, performing Hooray For Hollywood:

…and here is a link to lyrics for Hooray For Hollywood.